Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (Full Version)

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ohdomduo4u -> Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 8:52:32 PM)

This might be long and I apologize for that, but I need to explain what has been going on so I can get some advice.

We met a girl. We have emailed and talked with her for almost a month now. She unfortunately is in the Netherlands, but her Dad lives here in the states. She has plans to move back to the states at the end of the year. I thought this was fine, and would give us plenty of time to talk and get to know each other before meeting her. Anyway. We've been talking for a month and everything seemed to be going really well. She seems like she would fit into our family wonderfully. We all like the same things, and have the same views on things and such. We were spending about 3-4 hours about every other night talking on IM. Ben and I had a vacation scheduled, and we told her about it, when it was, when we would be back. The last time we talked before leaving for vacation everything was fine. She told us she would look forward to talking to us when we got back, and signed off with "hugs and kisses" as she normally did, and we left for vacation.

When we got home I emailed her to let her know we were back. I waited 3 days after seeing she read the email that same day, and didn't hear from her. I emailed again, adding some questions, such as how you doing? how was work? and a few other general questions we normally asked when talking thinking that she would email to at least answer the questions. I waited another 4 days, and no response. Now we had agreed that if either of us decided that we were no longer interested that we would be honest with the other and tell them rather than keep them wondering. So I then emailed her and asked if we had said or done something wrong? Had she found someone else while we were gone? I reminded her that it was ok to be honest with us if this was the case. We would rather know so we can continue our search rather than waiting around. She did finally respond to that email telling us "No way, I haven't changed my mind, I would tell you if I did, just been busy, and yahoo isn't working,"  I thought ok that's understandable, and told her so, and asked her to just answer our email next time and let us know she is busy or at least let us know what is happening with her.

That was a week ago. I sent another general "Hi, How are you doing?" type email today. She read it minutes after i sent it, and no response.We are really starting to wonder what is going on now, but want to give her the benefit of the doubt, because we really do like her. However it is getting really frustrating not knowing what is going on, and whether to wait or continue searching. Are we just being impatient? or over thinking the situation?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
Heather and Ben



Lashra -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 8:56:04 PM)

I wouldn't contact her anymore, let her contact you. It sounds like something is going on though hard to say what. If she is TRULY interested she will find a way to contact you. In the meantime I'd be looking into another sub just in case this falls thru.

Good luck,
~Lashra



alwayshis1 -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:07:13 PM)

id move on,,,, you have to admit it was a long shot it would ever be more then online to begin with, why continue to email someone that doesnt reply?



Rule -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:09:11 PM)

I second Lashra.



juliaoceania -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:12:04 PM)

Here is the deal, when I was reading your post I wondered whether she was ill or something dire had happened, I can imagine how it would feel and how you would worry for her welfare because she had dropped off the face of the earth. When you related her "excuses" to you I was a bit cynical.. but hey... you really like someone you give them the benefit of the doubt. But now she is establishing a pattern of flaky behavior..be glad you know now rather than later

Good luck



collegebeauty -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:12:26 PM)

She can clearly get to her e-mail if she reads the e-mail moments after you've sent it.  She also clearly isn't that terribly busy if she's sitting in front of her computer often enough to open your every e-mail instantaneously.  It only takes a few seconds to type out an e-mail at least acknowleging that she's gotten yours.  I'd move on.  This sub clearly isn't sure what she wants.



mstrjx -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:13:27 PM)

I agree with Lashra.  You've 'reached out and touched' enough for her to understand your interest.  It is now time to find out if there was anything there to begin with.

There might be temptations to 'tweak' every once in a while, but you probably don't wish to stalk or be thought of in that manner.

Watch and wait, and weigh other options when appropriate.

Jeff



RexLongBeach -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:13:48 PM)

I hate it when people do stuff like that.

It's one reason I really, really prefer meeting people face to face. Why? Because IMing and phone don't tell you nearly as much about a person as seeing them. In person, you can see how they take care of themselves, note how much they're able to focus on you instead of themselves, watch body language, and notice other subtle details that just aren't there on the phone.

Now, you're learning her true style, after you've dumped untold hours into developing the relationship with her. Turns out she's disrespectful and a liar. It is hard to find the right person to be in a relationship with, but seriously - why put up with it? She's moved on and doesn't have the ovaries to tell you.

Time for you to move on too.

Good luck,

Rex



ohdomduo4u -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:18:59 PM)

Thank you all for your thoughts. This was kind of what I expected to hear, but just wanted to make sure it wasn't just us over reacting.

quote:

ORIGINAL: alwayshis1

would ever be more then online to begin with?

Yes actually it was supposed to be live-in. She has plans to move to her dad's the end of the year, and was the reason she was looking into finding someone in  the USA. She is a US citizen already, and She planned to stay with her dad for a while until she could meet us in person, and go from there.

Heather and Ben



marieToo -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:19:42 PM)

I dont want to sound too harsh, but reading your mail then simply choosing to not respond, even briefly, is downright rude, especially considering the situation you had been in, making plans to meet etc.  Im thinking she doesnt sound worthy of your attention and care.  I would write her off and move on.  If she does eventually contact you again, and its in your heart to give her another chance, Id give her a lecture on manners and lay down the rule that you expect emails promptly responded to.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:32:17 PM)

i agree with everyone,but i would let her know why too, and that this stings.



ohdomduo4u -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:41:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i agree with everyone,but i would let her know why too, and that this stings.


Thank you! That is what I was trying to figure out the most! I want so bad to email her and tell her how disappointed we are with what is happening. I am trying to be patient just incase she is in fact having some problems in her life that is causing this problem, and didn't want to seem pushy or make her think we are acting as if we already own her, because we don't yet. So I am kind of at a loss as to how to approach this without pushing her away if she has been honest with us. Does that even make any sense? It's late here, and I think I am getting tired and not making sense to myself...lol 



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:51:40 PM)

On rare occasions, people get too busy with life and events to get online and respond.
Most of the time in my opinion, people start online things feeling like "it'll never really become anything more anyway" and they disappear when it begins to look like a reality.

Like Lashra said, I wouldn't contact her anymore.  If she wants to be a part of your family, she will/should make more of an effort in my opinion.   I   don't frown on online as a meeting medium, but one has to take everything said with a grain of salt until the individual makes the effort to stay in regular contact, and actually meets in person.
Good luck,  M



kc692 -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:56:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

On rare occasions, people get too busy with life and events to get online and respond.
Most of the time in my opinion, people start online things feeling like "it'll never really become anything more anyway" and they disappear when it begins to look like a reality.

Like Lashra said, I wouldn't contact her anymore.  If she wants to be a part of your family, she will/should make more of an effort in my opinion.   I   don't frown on online as a meeting medium, but one has to take everything said with a grain of salt until the individual makes the effort to stay in regular contact, and actually meets in person.
Good luck,  M


Not trying to hijack the thread, but hot new pic on the other side, M, smiles.....You're looking good!!!!



SadistCpl4fslv -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 9:59:08 PM)

Amen and pass the sauce to the all the comments.  Would just like to add a few thoughts because we have been in exactly this same situation, but for a much longer period of time.  We had contacted and even formed what we thought was a very close relationship with a girl in the UK.  We were led to believe that she had every intention of moving to the states to be with us.  But over a long period of time (2 years), we were given nothing but excuses.  While they all seemed more than logical and understandable (broken leg, father had a hard attack, entered trade school and needed to finish first), it seemed like when it came down to actually making plans to relocate, something always came up.  The short of it was, we were able to find out through a mutual acquantance that lived in her neck of the woods, that not only was she not who she pretended to be but in fact she might also be a he!!  We have learned the hard way to judge situations such as  this the same way as how normal people would respond in real.  If this girl was really interested and cared enough to make a move to you, she would contact you as soon as possible and let you know of her difficulties.  But my gut feeling is that she is just tying one over on you.

Also to take into concideration............While I don't think it is impossible to find someone from another country, it is a very buggy, expensive and complicated situation at best.  We have hosted friends from Europe in the past not even connected with the lifestyle and even tried to sponsor one to work in our business.  At that time it was a complicated and expensive propisition for anyone to legally immigrate or even visit for a lengthy period of time and our naivity of the matter was brought to reality when facing a bill of about ten thousand dollars in legal and other fees for that person to legally stay and work for us .  Since 9/11 all has changed and it is even more of a messy situation to even attempt.  My friendly advise is unless you are looking at a short term situation in which a visitors visa will safice, save yourself a royal headache and disappointment and try to find someone in the states.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 10:06:53 PM)

i really sympathize with your dilemma, i have lived it, and so have so many close to my heart...
 
the thing is this type of relationship involves enormous amounts of personal responsibility, accountability and emotional maturity.
 
you will learn oodles by writing her a letter telling her that her actions have caused you pain.
 
her next move will tell you all you need to know i think.
 
she may become sad in a poor me way,
she may blame circumstances beyond her control
she may blame you and your partner
she may get angry
she may go silent
she may act irrationally
she may become very dramatic
 
 
make no mistake this is who she is, and how she will handle every situation when put in the position of not living up to her end of the bargain, not taking her commitments seriously, or disobeying rules
 
this one of the best things that can happen: a chance to see who she really is and how she really operates under pressure when things start getting uncomfortable ie:the fantasy springs a leak.
 
if she is worth keeping she will take responsibility for her actions, she will apologies and she will work to get back in to your favor, after all mistakes do happen, and she may have underestimated the seriousness of this all.
 
but i have to warn you that is not very likely, she will most likely behave in one of the above listed ways...which will actually help take the sting out a bit because you wont be mourning her only the idea that she represents....
 
i wish you well and bid you peace..
 
Amy
 
 



closertonova -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 10:19:50 PM)

Knowing that a lot has happened in my own life that has left me moving things to the back burner
 honestly it does happen, and it hurts so bad to have all the connections you previously made wither away while you are too busy or sick to deal with the work of maintaining them, i would say this, don't hold your breath for her, but email her once in a few months just saying you miss talking to her, and if shes honest and telling the truth an occasional email will lift her spirits and you may later gain an amazing sub after she has delt with life and later moving to the US. And if shes a man or suddenly creeped out a sweet casual email does no harm either.

but don't expect miricles, just allow the possiblity for them to exist.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 10:23:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i agree with everyone,but i would let her know why too, and that this stings.
Seems to me that doing this is just playing her game more. She stopped contact, as much as that may hurt, you need to just be an adult, suck it up and move on. If you need "closure", write out your feelings in a hand written letter and put it in a drawer. If she ever writes you again, transcribe the letter to email and send it to her and let her know she needs to apologize if she wants to have a relationship again. Quite playing her game and start taking control of the situation.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 10:33:32 PM)

let her know she needs to apologize if she wants to have a relationship again

i think telling her to apologize wont gain them nearly as much ground as to wait and see if she does it on her own.
 
game playing to me is different then it is to you, i respect that, to me it is much more of a game to suck it up, and move on ( which i interpret as avoiding confrontation and bottling your feelings) then it is to be totally honest and let the chips fall where they may. your miliage may vary...[;)]
 
love tigress
 



MstrssScarlet -> RE: Potential Sub Question - Advice please! (9/15/2006 10:45:40 PM)

Lots of very good advice and I can relate to it all.  I am approached by female subs/slaves all the time.  In fact, my husband (who is also dominant) and I have been looking for 3 years now.  I've heard all the excuses and watched many of them disappear into thin air.  I have become very cynical and if I now refuse to im for more than a few days before I want to hear a female voice on the phone.  Quite often a lot of the profiles in any given site are not who they say they are.  In one instance early on I spent literally months instant messaging someone because I got a couple of very quick phone calls with a female voice.  Must have been a friend because in the end it turned out to be a man who wanted a Mistress and was hoping he could work his way in by having "the female" recommend  him to me over and over as an excellent slave.  I don't even consider anyone outside the U.S. because of stories I've heard from friends that paid tons of money to get their sub/slave from another country over just to have them leave as soon as they could.  They were simply looking for someone to foot the bill for their move.  I would agree with everyone else...move on and see if you can find someone who won't flee as soon as the fantasy starts to become reality.
Mistress Scarlet 



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