SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I want an answer to my question - if I have asked one out-right.
The following are general statements , not meant to be taken personally by anyone
I think the answer to the question really depends in what people think the purpose of a message board is. Is it a chance to let your personality come through? A chance to maybe really help someone who may need it? To sort out your own thoughts, by reading and responding to what others have to say? To ask for help or information? Probably all four (for me anyway). I've been thinking about this, and I do not understand why some threads need to turn into a win-lose scenario when it comes to conveying comments to an OP (or anyone else) on a thread. I know people are simply expressing themselves, but there is no "contest" to see who has the "best" POV - but sometimes it seems like there might be.
I just think that people really are all different, but sometimes, I can find that hard to remember. Some people are naturally competitive.Some are more sensitive than others. Some are highly logical, some concise, some funny, and others more whimsical or meandering in getting their point across. But - (I think) it pays to remember that everyone else is not "just like me" as far as their thought process is concerned. I used to think everyone was just like me (I really did). They don't have to be. They don't need to "reform" to meet any "standard", either. Sure if I'm seeking a partner, or good friends, there are qualities I seek in people, but this is a general message board - the goal is different for me.
I see people get defensive and retaliatory sometimes on these boards. I've done it once or twice (but not often). But - I know it doesn't "work", really, as far as enabling better communication with someone else. I see it as a communication "killer". My point is lost when this happens. The other person has stopped listening because I've been perceived by them as misunderstanding what they've said, maybe even on purpose.
**I think maybe this partly has to do with D/s identities, and submissives and slaves perhaps, are extra sensitive when someone has a different POV, because some may really think it somehow implies theirs is "wrong", simply because someone else happens to have a viewpoint different from their own. Why would they react this way? Because some try hard to be "perfect". And they are used to pleasing someone else, (or trying to please everyone) and now, suddenly, it appears they haven't done that. They've "failed". I think that's a little sad, myself. Really? Have they "failed"? Are they now a "bad" submissive or slave? Not unless the random folks on the message board are alll their Master or Dominant, they haven't (I don't think). I do think submissives and slaves can be emotionally vulnerable to comments. Ditto for some Dominants and Masters (because they may think they need to be seen as, or are, invincible or perfect). I try to be sensitive to this (everyone has an "off" day or two, occasionally).
I can feel insulted if I think someone is "talking down" to me (especially if I know more than they may think I do about something, and they appear to be trying to shove their "knowledge" down my throat), but I also know there is a Lot I don't know, so I try hard to not simply assume someone is doing this, unless they are pretty blatant about it and it's pretty unmistakable. I think I usually try to make a little bit of effort, if not more, to see if there are some points I find salient in what they are saying, and respond to those. Because it keeps the lines of communication more open. I try to meet them halfway in any follow-up comment, unless they have been blatantly rude (which is very rare, but does happen). There have been times I've just been moody, and stopped making an effort to listen, but not often. And also, because I usually just like many people. Who wants to alieneate anyone else? Not many (not on purpose anyway).
I think anyone just assuming from the outset, that they are being personally attacked by anyone's comments is a losing proposition, If the goal is to not alienate other people, and you want to keep talking and them to keep listening at all. Also, I believe it's a "no-go" as far as it leading to much as far as actual learning, or exchange of ideas. I don't know why some seem to think that the only way someone will be able to absorb information is if they figuratively hit the OP or another poster over the head with a 2 X 4. It just isn't the way I think people accept and learn new information, I guess.
I feel people will actually listen to someone who has 1) Made thoughtful comments that show they've reflected on the matter
2) made an effort to listen to them and 3) Are approachable. Do I want to listen to listen to someone who "yells"? Not usually. It hurts me and I tune them out. Doesn't matter if I "should" be listening. I'm not. Communication break-down has occurred. Sometimes I will "yell", back to make a point if I am offended or ticked off enough, but it just leads to more of the same. And round and round we go. There are people who enjoy this. For some, it's simply the way they relate to other people. Problem is, some may truly not realize that not everybody else does that. They might instead be perceived as tiresome, "gamey", or just plain mean. Or, if they are writing to someone who does have some communhication skill, they might get a lucky break, and that person will give them the "benefit of the doubt" (but I wouldn't count on that).
There is another thread on these boards titled "Can People Learn"? I see lots of great communcators around these boards, not simply arguments and dissension (really). Or I wouldn't still be here. There are really sensitive, thoughtful, bright, concise, knowledgeable, and spot-on writers and people who are also (sometimes at the same time) humorous. They brighten my day.
There are many good people here, too. But, I do think assumptions can be prophetic. Treat someone, for example, like an idiot, insinuate they are "slow,"call them irresponsible, and sometimes that can help them actually become that way - especially if they are in an very emotionally vulnerable spot. Is that what we want here? I think not. I can be just as impatient as anyone - but it's not the goal to make people stop listening. *When they stop listening, they' have stopped learning.
Personally, I don't think that everyone who posts is asking for advice. Some people are, some aren't; they are simply trying to get a feel for other's perspectives. I try to operate on the assumption that they want to be treated like adults, in any case - and if I think they "aren't acting adult-like" I either try to make a polite exit, or continue treating them like one, and with a modicukj of gentleness (regardless of whether it is "warranted") simply because I think they might abosrb some new information better that way (in other words, I really do believe this can "work").
I've also noticed lately, that more people than I previously realized, appear to not read either the OP's original question, or statment that began a thread, when they post a reponse to that OP. I personally think it's ridiculous to try to answer a question, or post a response to an OP's opening statement, if the question has not been read thoroughly.
If people don't know what an OP is driving at, they are free to ask. And they should, I think. I can understand why they might assume circumstances that haven't been stated (but not really).
That being said, an OP (or anyone else, I think) , who is asking a question about a personal circumstance (or any topic) may need to give more detail and more pertinent facts about that, to really expect others to be able to help them or advise them, if they want an answer. Some can be so vague in describing their cirumstances, it's genuinely hard to answer them, and if people "assume" things that may or may not be true, in that case, yes maybe they should ask for more information from the OP, but - they might be assuming out of frustration, with an unclear question or circumstances. People can only work with the information they are given. If they're not given much, assumptions might ensue. But I don't think generally OP's do this "on purpose", as some do. Even if they do - If you want to answer them in any genuinely helpful manner, you'll still need to find out more. So ask.
This is going to sound very "judgmental" but -I think it can make people look kind of stupid when they don't really read the OP's question or statement. I am not saying they are stupid - I am saying it can make them look stupid. It can also lead to a communication break-down. How can anyone attempt to answer a question they have not read? When I am tired, I've done this - but it's been an honest mistake. I don't go on for pages, having never read the OPs question or statement. Occasionally, I "drop in on" the middle of a thread because it's so long I don't want to read all of it. I may respond to what some other poster is saying of this is the case, but usually not the OP, unless I read their original question or comment.
Those are my "two cents" re: What I interpret as an open-ended question, that not only applies to those "seeking advice" but to many who may be seeking advice, or may not be, who are simply posting threads, or responding to them.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/6/2006 1:15:14 AM >
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"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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