Posting Goals (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:29:15 PM)

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?



utterlybutterfli -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:43:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


Hi.
I haven't posted much on here. but I did ask for advice on something I was struggling with very hard. I truly wanted to hear as many individual opinions on my issue and that was because I didn't definitely know I was right (as it turns out, happily - I was wrong) And what very well thought out and considered advice it was - even if some of it was a little tough to take. Certainly, I think its sometimes hard for people to accept home truths - I'm not always great at it, myself but we're all only human after all.

In the same vein, I hope that when offering my opinion, that I am honest with the person. Maybe, in life, I'm a little err..blunt..sometimes and I see regular posters on this board all the times responding in a both gentle and effective manner. My view, probably is though, that it doesn't really matter what you say  to some people - they're quite likely to just pick out the bits that they want to hear and disregard the rest.





cuddleheart50 -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:46:20 PM)

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

I want their honest opinions......sometimes I may not like it, but I do want to hear what they really think.

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


I say what I feel is right, what is in my heart., and hopefully that will make them feel better.



porcelaine -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:48:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


If I pose a question I am seeking a truthful response in all instances. Even those circumstances when the answer may greatly differ from what I might have anticipated. When sharing an opinion I base my thoughts upon experiences and my personal ethics. While it may not register with the intended party, we can never anticipate who our words will touch.

porcelaine



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:50:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

The few times I've started threads, it's because I really do want different perspectives.
quote:


When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?

It's rare that I will just give full blast what I really think and how I got to that point.  Usually I tone it down a few notches.

You can usually tell by how a person words their post which tactic they want people to take.



TNstepsout -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:50:53 PM)

I want honest answers. The thing I don't want, and I see happen sometimes, is that instead of answering the question asked, is that people will give advice in areas where it was not requested. It seems that simply because someone asks for advise on one thing, that suddenly they are bombarded with advise on everything. That's why I really try not to ask questions that relate to me personally and usually keep things kind of general.



MistressWolfen -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 6:51:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

I have only posted a few times and yes I genuinely sought the members input, thoughts or experience in the matter.
quote:


When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?

I have never been accused of sugar coating, I try to be polite and offer the best advice or share what little knowledge I may have on the subject. I do admit to getting very impatient and short with people that are searching for wank fodder or that are unproductively aggressive.



Homestead -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:04:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


I post my perceptions from my perspective. sometimes I am correct sometimes not.[;)]  When I post a thread, I'm not usually asking for personal advice. I'm interested in an aspect.



MrMister -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:08:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

we can never anticipate who our words will touch.

porcelaine


You are absolutely correct porcelaine. There are in fact so many posters in this forum that possess the uncanny ability to touch others in the most profound and wonderful ways. Enlightening, educating, entertaining seemingly with the greatest of ease. If it were humanly possible (and I believe it is), one can truly become quite enamored with another simply from reading their prose. And you definitely fall into that catagory as well dear lady. I have immensely enjoyed what posts I have read of yours. Someone is apparently very fortunate to have you in their life in whatever capacity.

Anyway, don't mean to ramble along here. Sorry.

To the OP. I am of the opinion that an honest answer is always the best policy. But sometimes it is in the best interest that I simply remain quite and say absolutely nothing for fear of deeply hurting someone to merely get my point across. And in my humble opinion that is never a good thing to inflict pain and hurt in any form that can be percieved as being malicious in nature. For as the years go by we may not remember the persons name, or what exactly was said, but we will never forget how that person made us feel.




ChainedExistence -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:16:14 PM)

I don't always expect a validation of my points or anyone else's, but I also don't enjoy someone setting out to slam the poster either. There's a fine art to thoughtful debate. More often my opinions have been swayed by the very well thought out points that someone makes- things that may not have occured to me. Too often people resort to name-calling, and snide remarks when others don't agree. The people who garner my attention are the ones who have something different to say, but do so in a way that does not diminish them in the process. I don't have to agree with them, but I can respect that they have a differing opinion,. " Being Honest" isn't a license for rude behavior.



Level -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:17:14 PM)

I want honest responses, and try to give the same. I will often try to find something positive to offer, especially if I like the poster.
 
Don't just tell me what you think I want to hear.... what good does that do?



mstrjx -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:31:20 PM)

When anyone posts for advice here, they need to realize that sometimes they're trying to work a 'tough room', and to be prepared.  I would think it is always best to generalize when all possible to not make things 'get personal', but I also understand that when some people attempt to do that in their threads, that they leave out potentially vital information.

In posts that I start, I don't know that I've looked for advice.  A different viewpoint of things, certainly, but not necessarily for anything myself.  I might think up a question that I feel other might find interesting from the 'reading' standpoint (the lurkers) as well as the viewpoints of the people who might be likely to reply.

Perhaps it's that I'm a little newer to this environment and a wild card at times (you never know quite which Jeff you're going to get) that my threads don't get quite the 'action' I think they might.  No matter.  Regardless, I prefer the honesty, no matter how it comes.

When I reply to others, I generally do so depending on a) the nature of the thread, b) the seriousness of the thread, c) how deep the thread has gone, and d) whether I feel I can truly 'lend a perspective'. 

I know some of my posts tend to be lengthy, but I want to make certain I give a clear viewpoint, even if I have to address an issue a couple of different ways in the same post.  It's not that I have been exactly in the situations of the OPs, but I have often been in the minds of the people 'like' the OPs, so I feel I can give the appropriate perspective. 

I look at this forum as a form of community service (no, I'm not doing prison time, spending my days breaking up rocks) where I can touch others while I am between situations of my own.  And touching others is nice, even if it isn't in person.

Jeff



Mavis -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 7:34:34 PM)

i have asked questions when i needed to hear different perspectives because i was only leaning one way or another, but still gathering data.  i've also done it when i knew the right thing, but my own self-talk wasn't making impact, so i wanted to hear other ways to tell myself what i already know.. if that makes sense.

i have also posted struggles that touch on common threads to A/all of us, because i really think it's helpful for those that come after U/us see the real issues in this lifestyle, not just the CastleRealm version.  i want newbies to know that down the road, things that seemed so clear cut on day 300 seem greyscale on day 3000, and that's ok too..  That while there is no "right way" to do everything, there are definately better choices, IF we have had O/our eyes opened to several options.

i try to avoid wasing too much reading space to Just post "i agree"  or to unduly poke at someone i disagree with..  only wading in if i think a point could be honed better with a bit of debate.  i try to be polite and respectful to other opinions and mind-sets, but i have to say, a couple of the recent "cock-fights"  have me perched right on the edge of jumping in to smack SomeOnes upside. 



amayos -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:00:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?



When I answer threads, I speak truth as best I may, either of things I have come to know or of my own ways. Truth, I have found, can be difficult for human eyes to see; it can take as much mettle to reveal some truths as it does to twist others.



Lashra -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:04:01 PM)

I am a very blunt person and I tell it like I see it. It has caused some people to get upset from time to time, but that is just too bad. I have an opinion and I am entitled to it. I refuse to sugar coat anything and I call a spade a spade. If they want someone to agree with them ALL the time, they need to talk to the person in the mirror.

~Lashra



nefertari -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:13:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?


I want honest opinions and advice or why bother.  I don't need validation.  I'm secure enough with myself to trust my own instincts.  If I am truly uninformed about something or truly don't understand, I ask.   How else do you learn?

quote:


When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


I try  not to respond unless I have something useful to offer.  If a lot of people have already responded with what I would have, I just leave it at that.  Unless I have something to add or a different perspective I refrain from posting.  I don't talk just to hear myself speak.  I never tell anyone something just because it's what they want to hear.  Whether one wants to hear it or not, I will tell them what I think is right, best and in my heart and with as much compassion as the situation calls for. I figure if they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked. 



Kree -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:24:38 PM)

Erin,
Great question!
When I post something, I post my thoughts about what the OP asked/proclaimed.  I do not see any value in 100 replies of "Oh, me too"  or " I feel your pain, but dont have a solution or a cogent thought to add".  If someone is looking for validation, they easily find it, which doesn't really add to their knowledge or decision making options.  It tends to blind them to the possible realities they are facing, thus blocking them from working through real potential advice.

From my posts and the way that some love to wander around the edges to attack them rather than wading through the center of the thought, I feel that some OPs and some "Me toos" are not looking for advice or thoughtful discourse.  They prefer to try to nitpick trivial parts of an answer instead of thinking about what has been offered because it doesnt offer the validation they seek. 



KnightofMists -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:33:17 PM)

I want direct... I give direct





velvetears -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:47:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?

i always want and expect honesty from people. Not saying i always get it lol  It wouldn't be advice if they told me only what i wanted to hear, if they did that they would be commiserating with me.  That might feel good, and perhaps it's what you might get from a best friend when you are at your lowest point and not really ready to hear the truth.  Only a best friend would be able to tell what you need and are capable of hearing really. We can't do that here on a message board, so being honest and trying as best we can to give advice that would be helpful is the best choice.

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?

i try to gauge as best i can where they are at and from reading their post i try to read between the lines and figure out what type of personality they are.  When giving advice i think it's best to think of them and say what you feel is best for them.  i can't say what is right - how do i really know what is "right" from reading a post by a person i don't know. i don't even always know whats "right" for myself lol.  In some cases maybe you can say whats right - when it's a bit more obvious - like if a sub asked, "i just met Mr Dom Wonderful 2 weeks ago and he collared me, i have three children but he says if i really love him i would leave my family to go 3000 miles away and live as his slave" - in this case i would become more "emotional" about the issue and probably say whats right and whats in my heart. It's hard to seperate yourself at times like that from situatuon you feel strongly about.  i do think that no matter what we say to people - even if they are clueless, not getting it, or seemingly unbelievable in what they are asking, we should always consider our words carefully, try to be helpful and not make disparaging or hurtful, sarcastic remarks.   i think with patience a person can be gently led to awareness and doesn't always necessarily need a slap in the face to get there. 




HollyS -> RE: Posting Goals (9/5/2006 8:49:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you make a post asking for advice, do you want people's honest opinions and advice....or do you really just want them to validate how you are feeling about it by telling you what you want to hear?


I always want honest and diverse opinions when I post here. Often, if I'm starting a thread it's because I have a question about something that's presented me with multiple possibilities, maybe something I've seen or read or heard that got my brain going.  Those are the times I really welcome the thoughtfulness and insight from other posters. While there are certainly times when what I need is a sympathic/empathic ear... for those times, I don't come here.

Somehow I doubt you'll find anyone who will admit to saying "Yes, I want people to stroke my ego and say only what I want to hear," though often I think it's pretty clear that's what the thrust of the OP or follow-ups are.

quote:

When you give your opinion or advice on a thread....do you say what you feel is right, what is best, what is in your heart?....or do you just say what you think the person wants to hear and will make them feel better?


Again, I try to give the best advice I have based on what I know.  When I have some answers, I offer those, when I know little to nothing about the issue I don't post at all. I try to keep the signal-to-noise ratio high, for my part, by refraining from "me too" posts or replying to every single person who answers a thread. But that's just me.

I often wonder about people who profess to "say it like it is" when the primary result from the person getting the reply is either hurt feelings, confusion, or instant defensiveness. You know, you can tell the posts/replies that are clearly getting off on making the other person feel stupid or unwelcome or like a complete fool for asking whatever question they had.  There's a lot of "one-up" going on in posting, where people say things in ways that only serve to say "Look at me! See how much smarter I am than you! I know all these things that you clearly don't, you moron..."  There are plenty of ways to say "what is in your heart" without making a person feel awful for hearing it.

~Holly



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