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RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 10:02:14 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		As long as all the cards are on the table, and everyone is ok with the arrangement, then go for it.

Poly is not a problem - cheating is.  Since you are open about the fact that you are married and not trying to hide it, then the naysayers can go stuff themselves.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 12:42:57 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		The issues with folks who are married and seeking are primarily those who disrespect their partners and step out without their knowledge.  This hurts the target partner as well as the one at home.

However, some of us here actually are seeking a partner and not just someone for play.  Read profiles carefully and know the expectations of the person before you make a first contact.  Save yourself and the person on the other side some time and consideration!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 3:30:04 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		 I would definitely agree with MisPandora.

In regards to the sneering... I think you may have misinterpreted people being disgusted with the idea of lying and hiding behind the 'freedom' of this lifestyle to justify dishonesty and cheating, not the idea of people having more than one partner, in an open and consensual dynamic.

I have ranted at a few here who have come to these boards moaning about the worries they have over cheating on their unknowing spouse/partner, or boo-hooing about not knowing what to do or to whom to turn, etc.  To me, it has very little to do with what manner of commitment they have (marriage, hand fasting, or just committed life partner of whatever variety).  What is so offensive is their trying to justify what they already know is wrong, by their very deceit. 

If you have to hide it, then you are doing something that not only I feel is wrong, but which you feel is wrong, or you would own it and handle your situation and the people you supposedly care for with honesty. Don't drag it on a forum and expect me to pat your back and hand you a tissue when you have chosen to victimize (to whatever degree) someone in your life whom you call your partner.

There is an entire board dedicated to the poly lifestyle, and many here who post to it and to all the forums with more than one partner, who do not get flamed for their choice of lifestyle.  The issue is about honesty and integrity, not about how many people you want in your life, and in what manner.  I do not think it is fair to say that the many of us who have called a lying, cheating (and often times predatory) spade a spade is a fair stroke of the brush on your part, Kahri, to be honest.

< Message edited by puella -- 9/6/2006 3:31:08 AM >

(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 4:51:51 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I'd also like to add.. to the Marrieds.. leave the singles alone!  We found our mates- they are still looking..  If you are not happy in your marriage.. get a divorce and THEN look around for fresh meat.


Very well stated Ma'am. It is a phenomenon that can be very disturbing and emotionally traumatic for the single person that gets attached to someone she can never have. I've personally wondered in the past if some target singles intentionally due their unattachment and freedom. Many that I've encountered typically prefer that the single party devote themselves exclusively to the married person. We are all free to relate as we choose, but admittedly I can only scratch my head on that one.

porcelaine


Boy, did I get ragged on for my opinion  that I posted in this thread!  I'm glad there are those out there that understand what I was actually saying.
Thanks for "getting it"

I guess I should have added the rosey disclaimer:  "Whatever works is all good.  I've just stated MY thoughts on the topic."

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 5:03:38 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

One thing I don't quite get is being married and having a "slave" who is married to someone else.

I just don't see how a "slave" status is achievable here. I guess its a part time slave thing.

I could never classify myself as a slave to my own Mistress because my first loyalties are to my wife --- so about the highest I can go on the meter is submisssive.



Cloudboy, i understand where you're coming from, but i thought i would just pop in with..  i used to feel the same..  but when i got working with Master.. i saw the diffs and advantages, and now i am noting a lot of couples who have the  Dom/sub dynamic at the house, and the external relationship is Master/slave.

He has a wife/sub for 20 some years, and T/they haven't used the M/s dynamic because of her role as a parent and such, she needs the freedom to make independant choices and not have to worry over His overseeing or directing.  Since her love relationship needs and sexual needs are met there, she needs the right to negotiate for her pleasure and do all the give and take needed to run a successful home.

i need those same rights with my spouse, so i am sub to Hubby, not slave.  

Master has clear lines of authority that have been hashed out between Him and myself, ANd betwen Hubby and Him.  Once those lines are demarcated, i need no right to negotiate within that framework.  (as always, slave votes with her feet if needed)  Having areas the Master is not in control of isn't that unusual, in the case of a single parent w/ unmentionables, a Master often has a hands-off stance in that one area of slaves life.

Master having "Masters rights"  rather than Domly rights over me allows Him the freedom to manage His time and resources without having to answer to me for His choices.  It's clear i come after His sub and family, my role is distinctly different, and i can "keep my eyes on my own paper" as He puts it.

(the above is O/our choice to use the terms sub to mean "with negotiating rights" and slave to mean "negotiated once, then set."  i understand, and so should readers, that this is not the only way sub and slave are defined)

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 5:04:25 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

One thing I don't quite get is being married and having a "slave" who is married to someone else.

I just don't see how a "slave" status is achievable here. I guess its a part time slave thing.

I could never classify myself as a slave to my own Mistress because my first loyalties are to my wife --- so about the highest I can go on the meter is submisssive.

No matter what, though, open marriages require a good deal of ingenuity and trust. If you have spousal support, I think you can succeed.


Know how D/s is mostly "mental"?  That "slave" part of him.. belongs to me.  In vanilla land- it interprets into "friendship".  I am very careful not to interfear with his marriage.  I prefer to be last on the list.  We both agree that the spouse and family comes first.  If I need him, I can call him..  If he can- he accomodates me.

I call him "slave" because that is how he identifys himself. 

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 5:08:13 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		LostusSong,  i have to agree with you on this.  When i did see single Doms (casually) when i was first looking, i was very clear that i hoped They dated others, and continued Their search for their life mate. i had mine, why shouldn't they?   Besides, someone who isn't moving forward in their life isn't too interesting to follow.

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 5:51:04 AM   
Kahri


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I do not think it is fair to say that the many of us who have called a lying, cheating (and often times predatory) spade a spade is a fair stroke of the brush on your part, Kahri, to be honest.


I did not refer to anyone in particular, so I don't think there's any reason for you (or anyone else) to take it personally.  As I said, if someone has lied about their marital status then I don't have any sympathy for them.

On a more general level, I guess it never occurred to me to think of myself as being involved in a "poly" situation, though now that I do think about it I suppose the label fits.

The married vs. single question is a good one, and one that's a bit of a dilemma.  I would never want someone who is single to get so involved with a relationship with me that they were not still looking for a mate and knowing how intense the emotions can be, that could ve a problem.  On the other hand, finding a married person who is honest and open, on a similar level as myself, and who I have chemistry with sounds about as likely as finding an honest politician.  They might be one out there, I suppose, but it ain't gonna be easy to find them.

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 6:12:02 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kahri

quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

I do not think it is fair to say that the many of us who have called a lying, cheating (and often times predatory) spade a spade is a fair stroke of the brush on your part, Kahri, to be honest.


I did not refer to anyone in particular, so I don't think there's any reason for you (or anyone else) to take it personally.  As I said, if someone has lied about their marital status then I don't have any sympathy for them.

On a more general level, I guess it never occurred to me to think of myself as being involved in a "poly" situation, though now that I do think about it I suppose the label fits.

The married vs. single question is a good one, and one that's a bit of a dilemma.  I would never want someone who is single to get so involved with a relationship with me that they were not still looking for a mate and knowing how intense the emotions can be, that could ve a problem.  On the other hand, finding a married person who is honest and open, on a similar level as myself, and who I have chemistry with sounds about as likely as finding an honest politician.  They might be one out there, I suppose, but it ain't gonna be easy to find them.


I can see a married MENTORING a single.   I'd never collar one.  I feel they need  their options.   Know that old Pensylvania Dutch saying "Kissin' don't last.. cookin' do"?  Same with BDSM. My advice is..enjoy it but don't hang your hat on it.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 6:15:46 AM   
LothianBob


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/20/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Kahri,

I agree with the general direction of the responses that married and looking is fine, my situation has changed recently in the fact that I have just split from a 30+ year vanilla relationship. Yes we played some BDSM and I guess it was played - my wife lost interest and my continued interest in the scene was deemed a problem.

I am in the process of a divorce and know want to return to the scene to explore my dominant side. I know that I would be confortable to have a married sub. However Im an old school dom who believes you need honesty, trust and respect for a successful D/s relationship. If that can fit with a sub's marriage then I can't see the harm.

Feel sure this will raise some responses

LB 

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 6:22:55 AM   
Kahri


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong


I can see a married MENTORING a single.   I'd never collar one.  I feel they need  their options.   Know that old Pensylvania Dutch saying "Kissin' don't last.. cookin' do"?  Same with BDSM. My advice is..enjoy it but don't hang your hat on it.


Exactly.  I think I could play with a single from time to time and enjoy that, but I'd never want the relationship to get to the point where either of us were thinking of a collar.  If that happened, it would be a sign that things had gone too far.

Thank you LotusSpring - you've really helped me to clarify my thoughts on the situation.  I had had a vague thoughts about the kinds of issues you bring up, but I hadn't articulated them to myself.  You're very helpful.

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 6:42:54 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LothianBob

Hi Kahri,

I agree with the general direction of the responses that married and looking is fine, my situation has changed recently in the fact that I have just split from a 30+ year vanilla relationship. Yes we played some BDSM and I guess it was played - my wife lost interest and my continued interest in the scene was deemed a problem.

I am in the process of a divorce and know want to return to the scene to explore my dominant side. I know that I would be confortable to have a married sub. However Im an old school dom who believes you need honesty, trust and respect for a successful D/s relationship. If that can fit with a sub's marriage then I can't see the harm.

Feel sure this will raise some responses

LB 


I'm no expert..but I do have suggestions. 

In my case.. my submissive and my husband are on the same page.  Both are married.. I am in EACH of their lives but  in polar opposite situation.  He does not want to be where slave is..and slave does not want to be where my husband is.

They meet in the middle with me as thier focal point.  I step back and let them get to know each other.  We do vanilla things together.  When I use the analogy of a bowling buddy- that's pretty accurate.   Do I have a feeling of ownership and affection for Slave? You bet I do, in this one corner of our lives.

And another thing were I benefit his life.. he is no longer dropping "tribute" to the alternative options. 

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 9/6/2006 7:07:36 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to LothianBob)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 7:00:25 AM   
Nimkii


Posts: 67
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I say keep the profile open and welcome. Its nice to see more couples out there being honest and secure enough to be together as a couple and still time have fun and get whats needed when its needed.

Nimkii

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 7:37:44 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		There have been many good points expressed. I agree with the almost universal belief that full honest disclosure by both parties is essential. However one other thought should be kept in mind. It's part of the decision making process I call "projecting out". What is the best result and the worst result of making a successful contact coming from an open marriage.

The 'best' has gotten a lot of play. The relationship outside the marriage completes the puzzle, or fills in the gaps missing within the marriage. It assumes that the relationship will not evolve to a point where the married partner outside the relationship becomes resented. It also assumes that both parties have the exact goal  and exact physical, emotional, mental plateau within the relationship will never supersede whatever reason sited to stay formally married. The worst case is one or the other go in wanting, or thinking they want, one thing and find out the source of that one thing is also the source of "everything".

Playing out the "what ifs" for both these situations is something that should be considered. I don't know how you can experience the physical aspects of D/s without involving emotions. At least I know I am not capable of doing so. If you've never experienced a D/s or S/m dynamic because your spouse isn't interested and you go out seeking and wanting only the physical experience; you and your spouse should know that sometimes emotions come out even when you don't expect and/or want them to. If any of you have seen a intense physical scene, watch the eye contact. When there is an emotional or intense mental connection it's obvious. I don't think it can be controlled. It actually should be a session goal. Do you come out of such an experience, shower, get dressed, and go home to a married partner and not look at them differently because you know they can't make you feel the same way?

The draw to this lifestyle is intense and difficult to departmentalize at the emotional level. I'd say it's down right addictive. I've seen people come into clubs and just need the physical beating at one end of flogger or the other, and go home. It's the same as going to the gym after a tough day at the office. But it should be appreciated that the potential of something deeper is right below the service. If the potential of this is also on the table and discussed between the married partners and it's combined with the aforementioned "complete honest disclosure" then the decision becomes an equation of "risk/reward".

On whether a slave can be married to a person not their master, my opinion is that it's impossible. At the very least its mentally taxing to the potential of making the slave/master psychotic. The master and spouse have limits set by the complicated dynamic. The slave serves a minimum of 3 masters, the spouse, the master, and complex triangular gravitational relationship. Add responsibilities to any replicants and serving one aspect becomes a disservice to someone/somthing else. Only my opinion and my experience; my belief is that a slave can only serve one Master.

(in reply to Nimkii)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 8:23:24 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
I am not hugely into labels, so what is, is. Amayos, though, he wants people to get their semantics just right.

Anyhow, I can understand feeling slavey --- but when I think of actually being a slave --- I know I'm not one.

Could be...

Want to be...

Sort of feel like I am....

Don't qualify me.

The truth is, I feel relieved NOT TO BE a slave. (Which is good, b/c I'm not in a position to be one.)

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 2:34:18 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Let me make sure I understand...

It's all right for someone who is married to have a relationship with someone else who is married, but not someone else who is single?

I'm asking because, from what I've understood from your own posts, you're married and have a married slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I'd also like to add.. to the Marrieds.. leave the singles alone!  We found our mates- they are still looking..  If you are not happy in your marriage.. get a divorce and THEN look around for fresh meat.

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 2:48:54 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Let me make sure I understand...

It's all right for someone who is married to have a relationship with someone else who is married, but not someone else who is single?

I'm asking because, from what I've understood from your own posts, you're married and have a married slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I'd also like to add.. to the Marrieds.. leave the singles alone!  We found our mates- they are still looking..  If you are not happy in your marriage.. get a divorce and THEN look around for fresh meat.



You are correct.  My point in this post about the married/single connections have been discussed by those on this thread.  It just can be difficult if you don't have your head on straight.  My point is that I would not create a situation in which I hinder the single from attaining their own mate (if that is what they want).  You also run the risk of the single falling in love with you and wanting you for their own (unless THEY have their perspective in check).

I could see if  I had a single male as a submissive.. it could get sticky.  I preferred to have a married sub as  the risk was equal.. so we behave as negotiated :)

Seems to me that the guys are having a more difficult time getting their head around my situation than the other way around Male Dom/femsub.

I've already been ragged on by one Dom in private.. have at it. 

P.S.  I don't fuck my slave.. that may be another element that would clarify our situation. 

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 2:49:00 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		LordnMaster, yes, i think so.  It's to protect singles from falling for someone unavailable for 24/ 7 and creating feelings of obligation for the married who now has to choose whose need are to go unmet..? 

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 2:52:55 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Plus, I feel Female Domination is just a bit different from Male Domination sometimes.  (that's just my own personal opinion)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/6/2006 2:58:11 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Uh huh.  Sounds like it keeps getting more complicated the longer you explain it.

Don't any of you think it's up to the partners, and no one else, to decide whether they're comfortable with a married dom or sub?  I will never ever ever ever understand why we're all so eager to get involved in other people's relationships when they never asked us for our precious opinions.

How about this:

If you don't want a married partner, don't have a married partner.

If you don't care, choose whatever partner you'd like.

Simple, no?

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 40
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