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Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:09:07 AM   
Kahri


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		No this isn't an ad, I swear!

Browsing through the forums I've seen several rather sneering references to married people seeking Dom/mes or subs. Now if the person is deceptive about it, I can totally undrestand it. Lying is unattractive, and lying about being married means you deserve to be doomed to a totally bland vanilla relationship for life. But what about those of us who aren't lying, are open and upfront about it? Are we even welcome here?

I'm married to a man I adore. He can get into a little spanking and light bondage, but anything beyond that he just doesn't get. We've tried. It doesn't work. But he doesn't mind me seeking an outside play partnet, and in fact encourages it.

Should I close my profile and go away? Are there others like me out there?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:26:21 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kahri
Should I close my profile and go away? Are there others like me out there?
No, you shouldn't close your profile. And there are plenty out there in just the same situations. It just takes some patients in finding them.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:36:12 AM   
Chloelicious


Posts: 1078
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: belgium, Brussels, Forest
Status: offline 		Karhi,

Hello and welcome to Cm, No one can judge you cause all stories are different and i encourage you to stay here and  give yourself some time.

chloé


_____________________________

If the Evil spirit arm the Tiger with Claws, Brahman provided wings for the Dove...... Guns and roses

If global warming continue, we will have SOLAR bears !!!
( unknown)

If love is blind......I guess I will buy myself a cane (guns and roses

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:43:16 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kahri

No this isn't an ad, I swear!

Browsing through the forums I've seen several rather sneering references to married people seeking Dom/mes or subs. Now if the person is deceptive about it, I can totally undrestand it. Lying is unattractive, and lying about being married means you deserve to be doomed to a totally bland vanilla relationship for life. But what about those of us who aren't lying, are open and upfront about it? Are we even welcome here?

I'm married to a man I adore. He can get into a little spanking and light bondage, but anything beyond that he just doesn't get. We've tried. It doesn't work. But he doesn't mind me seeking an outside play partnet, and in fact encourages it.

Should I close my profile and go away? Are there others like me out there?


Actually, I was in the same exact situation as you.  Being married, I chose a married partner.  It keeps your perspective.   You both have the same risks.  My slave and I were not looking for other  people to marry.  We were looking to enjoy BDSM D/s with someone who would enjoy it equally.  We both gave our partners first dibs.  In my case, my hubby tried it.. I met slave in a fund raise and the local dungeon.. Hubby saw what I did and said "Better Him than ME!"  So we actually sat down .. all three of us, and let my husband set the boundaries  Slave's wife feels the same.  She is "I won't ask.. just do what you gotta do". 

I will tell you I feel this situation is a rarity.  In the begining it was a very bumpy road for me and mine.  Also..this is NOT a cuckhold situation. I keep my D/s  life separate from my vanilla life.  We do merge the two.. (for example: We imvited Slave over for pizza and Saturday football viewing this weekend).

I find that single people have the most problem getting their mind around this concept.  "HOW can you be married and involved with another in D/s???!!!"

I have a marraige of 33 yrs.. Slave has celebrated his 38th anniversary.  If our spouses don't know our hearts by now..they never will.  We  both confirmed our intentions that we were NOT looking for new partners.. just a "bowling buddy" per se :)

So those that question married playing together..  or sneer at "vanilla".. it's time for a review I think.  "Vanilla" is far more open-minded than you think.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 9/5/2006 6:34:18 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:52:50 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		I am in a similar position as you.  I am married and seek other slaves.  While my husband is not vanilla, I do wish to have another slave.  I have the knowledge and consent of my spouse to do so and anyone who has a relationship with me will meet my husband so just in case they think I was lying they can hear it from him also.  Hang in there and don't let those who judge you bother you.  There are only a few opinions that matter in your case and the nameless, faceless people who look down on married people for having additionl relationships are not included in those. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 5:58:06 AM   
Kindred2Evil


Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline 		I'm happily married as well, hubby and I both have profiles here.  I personally don't give a rip (and neither does he) what others think about our relationship and the fact that we are here looking for submissives.  I know my marriage is secure, we have no doubts about each other.  He's my best friend and we talk about everything.  We are both dominants and know that what we want outside of our marriage (from this lifestyle) doesn't mesh.  We've both played with others and enjoy watching each other do so.
It gets frustrating at times when people slam on the married couples, but I just ignore them and move on.  They don't live in my house or know  how my marriage works so what they say isn't worth a pinch of salt.  I've never lied about being married to anyone I've talked to here or anywhere else either.
Don't let it get to you Kahri.  You're life is your own and I encourage you not to give up :)
I've gotten to talk to quite a few here who are in the same situation (married and looking) so you're not alone.  Just continue to be honest and open and who you are, you'll find what you seek eventually.  As for the others who have a problem with it, what does that matter?  They are just names and words on a screen and have no power unless you give it to them.

_____________________________

Her touch is on the breeze that brushes your cheek, Her voice rides the thunder as the storm breaks, Her tears will clean your heartache when the rains come, Her sun will light the darkest times when you feel alone...She is the Goddess.

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 6:17:31 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		My situation is a little different, but still falls within the 'married and looking' category.  We're looking together rather than apart.  This won't be a separate Dom per sub sort of situation.  It will be both of us submitting, or neither of us doing so.
 
zuma

(in reply to Kindred2Evil)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 6:30:58 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

I am in a similar position as you.  I am married and seek other slaves.  While my husband is not vanilla, I do wish to have another slave.  I have the knowledge and consent of my spouse to do so and anyone who has a relationship with me will meet my husband so just in case they think I was lying they can hear it from him also.  Hang in there and don't let those who judge you bother you.  There are only a few opinions that matter in your case and the nameless, faceless people who look down on married people for having additionl relationships are not included in those. 


In April,. I will have hung in there with Slave for 10 years :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 6:43:35 AM   
SaphireLynn


Posts: 145
Joined: 2/15/2005
Status: offline 		If you are married and the spouce knows that you need this and allows you to do it then I say go for it... now to those that are married and try to hide it from the spouce why would We want you... you can not be truthful and faithful to your spouce why would We expect you to be faithful to Us... you are a proven cheater and lier...

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But he that dares not grasp the thorn
Should never crave the rose.
~~~Anne Bronte~~~
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:35:32 AM   
Kahri


Posts: 70
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the comments.  It's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation.

(in reply to SaphireLynn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:44:34 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SaphireLynn

If you are married and the spouce knows that you need this and allows you to do it then I say go for it... now to those that are married and try to hide it from the spouce why would We want you... you can not be truthful and faithful to your spouce why would We expect you to be faithful to Us... you are a proven cheater and lier...


Very understandable.  I actually think married should stick with married and singles with singles.  Because of the intensity of it all... you do get attached via heartstrings.  A single person has far more options than a married person does. For me there is a safety knowing the slave is not a "threat" to my husband.  We are what we are.  We have managed to compartmentalize feelings.  We share only that which our spouses have no interest in.  If he ever said "Divorce your husband and come with me.."   I'd be gone in a heartbeat . My husband means more to me than D/s.

I'd also like to add.. to the Marrieds.. leave the singles alone!  We found our mates- they are still looking..  If you are not happy in your marriage.. get a divorce and THEN look around for fresh meat.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 9/5/2006 9:25:30 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to SaphireLynn)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:13:03 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I'd also like to add.. to the Marrieds.. leave the singles alone!  We found our mates- they are still looking..  If you are not happy in your marriage.. get a divorce and THEN look around for fresh meat.


Very well stated Ma'am. It is a phenomenon that can be very disturbing and emotionally traumatic for the single person that gets attached to someone she can never have. I've personally wondered in the past if some target singles intentionally due their unattachment and freedom. Many that I've encountered typically prefer that the single party devote themselves exclusively to the married person. We are all free to relate as we choose, but admittedly I can only scratch my head on that one.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:24:08 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Hi Kahri,

As a person who is married and has the consent of your spouse, I believe you are in the minority of married people on CM.  I've been approached by many married men, and only one of them was above-board with his wife.  This has made me skeptical and hypervigilant.  You might be getting that same skepticism from others.

More broadly, it's interesting hearing about married folks who also have BDSM partners.  I am still puzzling out how much I want to incorporate D/s into my life and relationships (Do I want it in my primary relationship?  Do I want ancillary D/s relationship(s)?).  Having a spouse and a submissive seems like, with lots of work, getting to have your cake and eat it, too.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:41:24 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Kahri... my bottom denika is in very much the same situation... in fact her husband and I are very good friends.... so it can happen... and I think it is to your credit and your husband that you are opening the door to explore different ways to get needs met.  It will you take you time and many might not appreciate or understand your relationship and situation... but they can't take away your honesty! Bravo... good luck

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 8:47:55 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, I believe that trust and honesty are the most important things. As long as all parties are aware of the situation, then I see nothing wrong with it. However, the majority of married people I have encountered on CM are NOT open/honest with their spouse about the situation. They're married to vanilla spouses and lack the gumption to say, "My marriage is not making me happy, therefore I'm going to be honest with my spouse and try to solve the problem."

On a personal note, I do not believe I could ever have a married Master. I'm a highly monogamous minded person and the idea of him going home to someone other than myself would rip my heart out. For me, my submission is about finding the man who completes every part of me and giving him everything I have in exchange for his love, loyalty and eternal companionship. That's just me though, and I believe that whatever works for you and yours is your own business.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 9:04:26 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		i'm another one with an outside partner.   my spouse and i had an open relationship for a long time, but with that openness,  i sought a D/s relationship rather than a "nilla swing" partner.  After i started working with Master, the latent Dom in Hubby got a bit engaged and He began working with Master as well..   Now They share responsibilty and ownership of me (which They manage between Themselves, Who has authority in which areas, etc) 

Ways to keep your primary relationship truly primary.. as LotusSong  says, "We both gave our partners first dibs."   Don't withhold something from the spouse that you'd give to the other person.  Don't seek or accept time that the other person is taking from THEIR spouse..  Don't carry secrets between them, or from either.  If possible, have some "guy- time" together without you there.  it's AMAzing what happens when Master and HusDom do for each other as friends and joint-owners.

By the way, there is no reason physical intimacy has to be a part of it, some of us function quite well without the sexual or romantic overtones in side-bar D/s or M/s.  Do what works for A/all involved.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 9:18:31 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		I will echo what others have said on this thread, that marrieds can line up very well with other marrieds. My Mistress and I are both married and we have been together for over two years now. She's been married over 20 yrs and I've been married for about 10.

One thing I don't quite get is being married and having a "slave" who is married to someone else.

I just don't see how a "slave" status is achievable here. I guess its a part time slave thing.

I could never classify myself as a slave to my own Mistress because my first loyalties are to my wife --- so about the highest I can go on the meter is submisssive.

No matter what, though, open marriages require a good deal of ingenuity and trust. If you have spousal support, I think you can succeed.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 9/5/2006 9:19:56 PM >

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 9:27:37 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Wow how terribly simple it all sounds lol.  When i came here i had the consent of my nilla hubby.  I am not owned by choice but have a favorite Dom to play with and have had for quite awhile.  He is married and what He tells His wife or doesn't is not my business.  That said i will add that being married doesn't always last for whatever reason.  I became a widow July 30, 2006 and do not plan to stop playing with my married Dom.  And yes it does change the dynamic somewhat for me but not enough for me to want to give up this Dom.  Keep looking there are some wonderful Doms married and single on this site.  It is not the marital status that is important in D/s but the relationship between the D and s.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 9:32:33 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		No, you should definitely not close your profile and give up--and, in fact, lately all the sneering at married people is itself being sneered at.  Just be honest with yourself, and anyone with unsolicited opinions can go fuck himself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kahri

Browsing through the forums I've seen several rather sneering references to married people seeking Dom/mes or subs. Now if the person is deceptive about it, I can totally undrestand it. Lying is unattractive, and lying about being married means you deserve to be doomed to a totally bland vanilla relationship for life. But what about those of us who aren't lying, are open and upfront about it? Are we even welcome here?

I'm married to a man I adore. He can get into a little spanking and light bondage, but anything beyond that he just doesn't get. We've tried. It doesn't work. But he doesn't mind me seeking an outside play partnet, and in fact encourages it.

Should I close my profile and go away? Are there others like me out there?

(in reply to Kahri)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Married seeking same... - 9/5/2006 9:41:44 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove

It is not the marital status that is important in D/s but the relationship between the D and s.


Marital status may not be important but integrity is...For example, I cannot imagine playing with a married man who's spouse was not aware of the situation. If he lacks the basic integrity to be honest with his chosen spouse, then he is simply not the kind of person that I would consider worthy of my submission. In fact, I would generally consider him a slimeball,lol.


(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 20
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