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how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 2:35:37 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
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In the beginning of my previous relationship we played a lot. Unfortunatly that didn't last very long. It got less and less to the point of the last couple of years there was almost no play because he was more interested in what was on tv. i know it's not all about the play but for me it is part of it.

This isn't a whine or a rant. i really want to know what Dominants do to keep from getting bored and uninterested and what i might do differently in a future relationship to help prevent it?
lil_joy

Post #: 1

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 2:41:29 PM

Estring

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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In the beginning, focus on what values and likes you have in common with the other person that are seperate from BDSM. The play will usually slow down after time in most instances, and then you are left with nothing else. This will fuel resentment and make things even worse. Then there will be less of a chance for any play at all.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to liljoy)

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RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 2:42:54 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Keep it part of your everyday dynamic...but have other interests, too.

Don't make it something that comes down off the shelf from time to time...make dates for time together so 'life' doesn't take over; keep a journal together? TALK

And keep the TV outta the bedroom!

That's what I'd try, anyway...
beverly

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 3

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 2:46:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Learn to enjoy the highs and the lows of energy equally. Go out in the world together, create new experiences together. Make a conscious effort to share and include eachother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 4

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:01:40 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
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Yes, of course you need to have other interests in common.
I'd like to have a live-in slave taking care of me and the house but you can't stay in the house all the time.
Go out to the Mall, go for long rides, the beach is always nice, have a picnic, play chess, take music lessons, go to the local sex shopes(we have one here that's Huge!) do volunteer work, ride your bicycles together and also take time for yourselves apart for an afternoon.
As for play it will slow down but I have a good imagination and I like to do different things and buy different toys to play with and also do role play and experiment with different positions.
I like objectification and I can think of one scene that could last for a few hours and could be a "regular" thing.
There are things that you can do in public that only the two of you will know about for instance. All kinds of things!
I have a high sex drive so we'd probably be playing every day but may take a day "off" here and there.

< Message edited by popeye1250 -- 8/24/2006 3:08:04 PM >

(in reply to Bearlee)

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RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:02:53 PM

CreativeDominant

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Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

In the beginning of my previous relationship we played a lot. Unfortunatly that didn't last very long. It got less and less to the point of the last couple of years there was almost no play because he was more interested in what was on tv. i know it's not all about the play but for me it is part of it.

This isn't a whine or a rant. i really want to know what Dominants do to keep from getting bored and uninterested and what i might do differently in a future relationship to help prevent it?
lil_joy

I couldn't agree more with what has been said here already.
Find those interests you share and enjoy them together. Find those interests you don't share and enjoy them individually and then share that joy with each other, even if you do not share the interest. A life shared and enjoyed outside the bedroom really can help the life inside the bedroom (caveat: though I can also be one of the firsts to say "Not Always") in most cases.

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 6

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:25:44 PM

liljoy

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Joined: 3/25/2004
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Some very good advice here thank you all. i can were common things outside of play is a good thing. We had those things at first too but those too faded as the tv became more and more important to him.
Is there anything that a submissive can do to to bring the Dominants attention at least partially back to the relationship when something else or every thing else seem to be more important? i ask this question because while i hope i'm the only one that dealt with this situation something tells me that i'm not.
i did talk to him about it and made suggestions of things we might both enjoy but nothing changed. Finally i just accepted it. i wasn't angry or bitter about it but i was sad

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 7

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:38:00 PM

foxglove716

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Appreciate the insignificant and notice detail. See things as if it were the first time youve seen it, then you won't make the same tired associations and every day will be filled with new experiences.

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:43:05 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

how do you keep it fresh?

Keep it authentic. A game is a diversion, and all diversions sour.

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:57:55 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: liljoy

Some very good advice here thank you all. i can were common things outside of play is a good thing. We had those things at first too but those too faded as the tv became more and more important to him.
Is there anything that a submissive can do to to bring the Dominants attention at least partially back to the relationship when something else or every thing else seem to be more important? i ask this question because while i hope i'm the only one that dealt with this situation something tells me that i'm not.
i did talk to him about it and made suggestions of things we might both enjoy but nothing changed. Finally i just accepted it. i wasn't angry or bitter about it but i was sad

It takes both parties to make a relationship work. It doesn't seem like he is intererested in changing the way things have progressed. It either is something you can live with or something you cannot. My guess is the resentment will build and eventually be too much to take. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 10

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 3:58:12 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I am not a Dominant, but will answer anyway, because I have personal experience in a similar situation.
In my one and only relationship with a Dominant, we did not live together, and when we did see eachother, I considered it a great treat and definite respite from the world...part of the reason is that he would always "surprise" me by never telling me just how we were going to "play", or what we were going to do that week, until I got to his house. This was great for me, because I love surprises. Even if it was something we'd done before; it was not elaborate, just a nice surprise. I trusted him a lot, and he knew me pretty well - and what I'd like. He definitely knew what he'd like.

This might put a greater burden on the Dominant, having to think up things to do all the time, but he didn't seem to mind (it was his idea), and it did make me feel that he was definitely in control, which felt good to me. And Dominants like being in control, I've heard. Also, he knew me well, and never (except once) did anything I'd consider "out of bounds" (limits), and that one time it was exciting, and not particularly dangerous, because he knew what he was doing, so it didn't really matter.

*So - Maybe you could switch off times deciding what to do for bdsm activities?
In any case, I'd ask him if you could have a chat about it - I know from experience how this feels (not with that Dominant I was talking about, but with someone else). I'd let him know that from your perspective, you mean no disrespect, but that what he is not doing is damaging your relationship, and the "ball" is in his court (because it is).
But, he may not be aware, at all, of just how much this is hurting you, if you've never discussed it.

For me, this kind of thing can be a deal breaker if it goes on for too long. But, sometimes talking helps. He sounds like he is due for a "wake-up call" . Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/24/2006 4:18:25 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:09:55 PM

liljoy

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Joined: 3/25/2004
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well that relationship ended memorial day weekend. Not because of the lack of play but certainly because i was smacked over the head with how little i and our relationship mattered to him and i couldn't pretend anymore that it did

quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

It takes both parties to make a relationship work. It doesn't seem like he is intererested in changing the way things have progressed. It either is something you can live with or something you cannot. My guess is the resentment will build and eventually be too much to take. Good luck to you.

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 12

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:12:45 PM

Estring

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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Well I think in time you will understand that you are better off without him. Learn from this and you won't see yourself in the same situation again.

< Message edited by Estring -- 8/24/2006 4:14:05 PM >

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:14:00 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Ahhhh! Just "refreshed" myself with a nice bikeride around the golf course!
Man, I'm so full of energy I feel like putting my foot right through a t.v. set!
Ahhhhhh!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 14

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:21:45 PM

SusanofO

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liljoy: Wow, great. More time for you to potentially spend with someone who actually gives a damn about you.

Understand - I don't know the ins and outs of your specific situation, but, like I've heard at so many 12-step meetings: "We all have the same 24 hours".

He chose to spend his in front of the tv, and to ignore you. Fine - you have a right to make your choices, too. Not your fault, sounds like. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/24/2006 4:23:35 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:24:44 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

i already realize it. it took me about a week to really soak in and another couple of weeks to get over the feeling like an idiot thing. i'm good now better than i've felt in a long time

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 16

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:26:55 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Good for you baby, hope you keep feeling great.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 17

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:28:29 PM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

lol a foot through the tv what an idea!! i love it

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 18

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 4:35:16 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Liljoy, I certainly hope he wasn't watching OPRA!

Susan, yes, I've heard that Dominants like to be in control too!

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 19

RE: how do you keep it fresh? - 8/24/2006 6:21:49 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

Bearlee my tv's in my room and it never created a problem in my relationship, however that's not so for my pc lol, My bf often felt neglected in favor of the pc, I never realized tho cause he never said anything.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

Keep it part of your everyday dynamic...but have other interests, too.

Don't make it something that comes down off the shelf from time to time...make dates for time together so 'life' doesn't take over; keep a journal together? TALK

And keep the TV outta the bedroom!

That's what I'd try, anyway...
beverly

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 20

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