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RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:10:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		fast reply,

I was thinking about writing a thread such as this because KyraofMists asked me on another thread if someone was ill and it made them "different", like harsh or cruel, if they would still remain my dominant. I answered that if the impairment was big enough as to change them from being a dominant/master that I think this would negate that dynamic... but I would not leave them. Someone cannot do the things that a master does it doesn't mean you do not love them or stay, but it is a valid question after so many years have gone by, is it Ds anymore? I would bring up someone who suffered brain damage that made them childlike, would they be a dominant anymore? I personally do not think so. It doesn't make a submissive less responsible to remain to serve them if that was their agreement. It does not negate the relationship completely.

My mom cared for her spouse for a couple of years after he suffered such a calamity. Their intimacy as it existed ended, but the relationship remained, and a different intimacy replaced the old as he saw her as more of a mother than a wife. It is a fact of life these things happen, it is how we deal with them that defines us.

To the OP, I do not blame you for addressing your needs here. I can imagine you are feeling hesitant about expressing them to your dominant because you do not want him to feel more poorly than he does, this does not make you a horrible person, it makes you human. It is more healthy to have an outlet to express your feelings than to "suck it up" and not express these things. We all have needs, even if we feel we want to forego fulfilling them because we are dedicated to another.

I hope everything works out for you..

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 8/23/2006 2:12:27 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:13:12 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Ah, ok, I understand it better now.
I don't know anyone who has it.
And yes, if it's neuro transmitters in the brain I can see how anti-depressants would help it from the way that those medications were explained to me by the Nurse Practitioner at the V.A.
They're much better at explaining things like that than the Doctors are, I guess the Doctors just don't have the time to sit down with you for a half hour or so.
If that manifests itself in you wanting a clean house I don't think that would be a "bad" thing at all!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:19:28 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		What a beautiful reply, julia.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:26:48 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

What a beautiful reply, julia.

- Susan


Susan I helped my mom care for him, and at times if we did not laugh about his illness I think we would have just cried, you do what you have to just to get through. Unless someone has experienced forgoing their own needs for years to see to another person'a needs I just do not think they should be judging them. It is hard enough to cope with someone's illness to then turn around and have someone tell you how terrible you are for expressing needs of your own.

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge them... I have been in her shoes, put off my education to help my mother take care of someone she loved, and I can tell you I will never regret that.. but as a family it put much stress on us. I do not think people fully understand unless they have done it. Enduring through someone else's OCD, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, or cancer... these are all things that hugely impact you. Those willing to honor their commitments have nothing but respect from me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:28:31 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Julia, lovely reply!
Susan, I've never had any type of "anxiety" disorders so it's kind of new ground to me.
After being in the military for so many years and being in dangerous situations as a matter of course I find life out here in "Civland" pretty easy actually.
I would think, to me anyway, that if I did have that type of disorder that I'd try to turn it into a "strength."
I kind of wish I did have a "cleaning" OCD! lol

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:29:49 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		julia: I know, I remember my dad almost burning out when he was caring for my mom before she died of cancer a few years ago. Heck, there is even a medical term for it now: Caregiver burn-out.

- Susan


_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:31:16 PM   
pqwinny


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		Susan, thanks for that great synopsis of OCD.  my Sir is very intelligent and suffers from the uncontrollable thoughts resulting in extreme anxiety version.  He is on medication, is scheduled to have it re-evaluated and is embracing behavioral-cognitive tools for the first time.  (i've been sharing things i've learned on my personal healing journey...which included meds for a brief period).  Overall, He is coping well considering how extreme His anxiety is.  i am happy to be able to be there for Him but realistically, i know that this could go on for a long time and it is important for me to prepare myself for how that will impact me...in many ways, not just in terms of submissive needs. 

I decided to post here because i have many tools and skills already available to me to deal with the other ways in which i may be impacted so that i may still be useful to Him.  (if i start to get too overwhelmed, i 'll be of little use to Him)  But when it comes to my submissive needs, i am far less experienced.

For me, submission is as much a part of me as any other aspect of my personality.  It is not something i do, it is part of who i am.  i feel it would be unwise and unhealthy for me to ignore or be unprepared for long term loss of this in my life.

thanks again to all who are offering support

_____________________________

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:31:53 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Most people with OCD are better than average, intelliegence-wise, and also not the type to "let things slide" and not get things done, if they think they are required, or just need to be done. If anything, I think they can be "overly responsible". That's been my personal experience, anyway And it is a generalization (gotta be careful with those generalizations).

- Susan   

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 2:32:43 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:36:13 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		pqwinny: I think it's smart you wrote in and asked about how to deal with it, and am also always grateful when someone writes in about how they are dealing with something maybe they fear might be "off-beat" or that others might not be contending with - because my guess is that usually someone will read their thread and benefit from it somehow, in ways they might not ever imagine. Good luck to you and I hope keep up writing in and let people know how it's going!

I am not sure what I'd do in your shoes that you are not already doing. But - I do know there is such a thing as Caregiver burnout - so if you need to get away and go out with friends or somethng sometimes, I'd just do that and not feel the least bit "guilty" about it. You're only human.

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 2:38:00 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to pqwinny)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:37:44 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Julia, I had to take care of my mother for 18 months during a terminal illness and I had a lot of help( Visiting Nurses, cleaning ladies, Hospice people) but it was still overwhelming!
My siblings were useless during that time.
On the day of her funeral I just layed down on the couch in my suit after everyone had left and slept like that for about 6 hours.
It was nice just to get an afternoon off to take a walk! Or even to go grocery shopping to get out of the house!
I guess I was kind of "burned out" by it but didn't know it at the time.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:42:33 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, it is very hard and I think the one in the caregiver role needs to arm him or herself with as much knowledge as possible.  There are so many ways some else's illness impacts the caregiver....I give the OP all the credit in the world for determining to stand by her Dom.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 2:50:03 PM   
pqwinny


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		in reply to juliaoceania...thanks for you shared experience and kind words.  i expected nothing less from you.   You've been a help to me in the past with this relationship and i was looking forward to seeing you post on this topic.  Your gentle spirit and honesty are always appreciated.

_____________________________

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 3:00:34 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If you ever need to talk, you know how to message me...smiles.. I might be invisible, but I am usually around

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to pqwinny)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 3:21:47 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		pqwinny, and let me just echo Bandit's statement above about you sticking with your Dom. Good for you!
To my way of thinking you don't just get rid of someone because they're having problems. You help them work through those problems.
It's life, things happen.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/23/2006 6:51:21 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Yes, it is very hard and I think the one in the caregiver role needs to arm him or herself with as much knowledge as possible. There are so many ways some else's illness impacts the caregiver....I give the OP all the credit in the world for determining to stand by her Dom.


I am in a full time caring role and during the times when Master is at the hospital having dialysis is "me" time. I go shopping, have a facial, or just get online and surf. I watch the hospital/medical dramas I have to tape cos Master hates watching them I've just joined a gym and will be working some of my frustrations out in there. I even go back to bed sometimes.

Even though I love Him very much He also understands I need to have time for myself away from the stresses of caring. It can really get you down sometimes, knowing that whatever you do it still can't make them better, especially when it's a bad day.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/24/2006 4:24:45 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pqwinny

i'm wondering if there are others who have had, and are willing to share, experience with going through and dealing with extended periods of interrupted D/s interaction because of illness or medical conditions. 



I applaud your honesty and strength for speaking openly and reaching out for support. This is often a very big issue for many in similar situations and they unwisely bear the weight of the illness on their shoulders alone. It is good to see that you are seeking support and it is my hope you have plenty around you on and offline.

An unexpected or long term illness can be difficult for all parties involved. Regardless of the orientation of the relationship. I have had to be very open about my health and any possible conflicts or issues that may arise. There have been instances when I have felt burdensome and sincerely believed that my partner would be better suited with another. However, the loyalty and continued care often reiterated and deepened the feelings I had for that person. When we are ill we're vulnerable and a little frightened. I have found through my own experiences that the one that is able to love me through these moments is usually the person that has my best interest and heart in mind.

As the caretaker you will probably feel torn on occasion and believe you must be at his side at all times. Part of your responsibility of taking care of him is to keep in mind your own welfare as well. When he is resting do indulge and enjoy the quiet moments or merely the opportunity to pamper yourself in some small way. It may seem meaningless at present but it does help to contain the tension and renew the fatigue you undoubtedly feel. Although you would never ask for compensation or even the smallest thank you, for you believe it is your duty to care for him no matter what. I believe the greatest reward one can receive is the smile and quiet thank you looming silently in their eyes. I wish you both the best.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/24/2006 4:57:57 AM   
pqwinny


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for you compassionate and insightful input, porcelaine.  i know i must make sure i take care of myself as well as Him, though it is sometimes a challenge.  i feel i must be ready and available for Him to an even greater extent than ever.

There is a new development.  When i came home from work last night, He told me He had done something very bad and needed to tell me about it.  my heart sank as i anticipated what He would confess.  He told me He read my journal.  When i first started keeping a journal at His house we discussed whether He would read it or  not.  i did not care if He wanted to have access to it or not.  i just wanted to know what He wanted.  He did not want or need to read it, He said we speak about everything in depth and that those pages could be private and for me.

It is not the fact that He read the journal that disturbs me, i have no secrets.  What upset me was the feeling that my trust had been violated.  We had discussed the topic, came to a joint agreement and i trusted that He would uphold that agreement.  If He had asked me or told me that He wanted to read it, i would have gladly agreed.  But He did not and that has shaken my ability to trust Him unconditionally at present.

i asked Him why He did it and He said He's not sure, that He knew it wasn't right and yet couldn't seem to stop Himself.  He feels it is linked to the relentless level of anxiety He is experiencing and how it is affecting His focus and judgement.   i cannot comment on the viability of that from a clinical standpoint.  Perhaps He is correct.

He asked me to forgive Him and i did.  Forgiveness can be granted in an instant but trust, once broken, needs to be rebuilt.  So now i am faced with the added challenge of caring for a wound of my own while continuing to support and care for Him.  i did not anticipate a twist such as this. 



_____________________________

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/24/2006 4:58:08 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		You keep loving them and do what you must to take care of them until they are better or at least stable.

My partner of 18 years was severely bipolar and he was my Master.

His genius in motorcycle design came from the manic side of the disease so we had to walk a fine line with his medication, let him get too far to the depressive side and he could not think and could not build which drove him crazy. But let him become too high ended and he was a very dangerous human being, when i say dangerous there were those times when you would only find plastic sporks in my house for eating utensils.

We got around it, he was intelligent enough not to hold those times that i took away his bullets (if you took the guns he went berserk) had him hospitalized, made him eat, take his meds, pinned him to the floor while he raged until the ambulance came or would not let him drive had nothing to do with the M/s dynamic, i was doing what i had too for him.

Do not think because he was this way we had a bad life, on the contrary as long as his meds were well regulated a kinder , gentler more loving old man and dad you will never meet. He was my soul, the best part of me and i would never be who i am now if it were not for his steady heartfelt devotion.

If you love this man the lack of play or D/s will wait until it is possible again. You love them no matter what happens.


< Message edited by twicehappy -- 8/24/2006 4:59:54 AM >

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to pqwinny)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/24/2006 5:43:24 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		pqwinny,

I think he read your journal because he is afraid of being abandoned and needed reassurance that what you say by word is actually the same as what you feel in your heart. 

I have a rare and chronic, life-threatening illness that, at this point, hardly affects me physically so that Im able to play and have my presence of mind intact.  My sub was made aware of my medical condition immediately since Id met her after my diagnosis and my battle between life and death a few years ago.  Still, she accepted my collar and in Sept we will be living under the same roof.

There are no guarantees in life.  I may have medical "episodes" in the future that call for months of hospitalization and perhaps up to 2 years in recovery.  Or, I could end up dying from my illness, unexpectedly.  No doubt, she had much to consider before accepting my collar as I did in the offering.  Although we've discussed certain aspects of  my disease, sometimes it's hard to know how we will react should the inevitable become a reality for us.  We know how we would hope to react, but the reality of a situation can, and sometimes does, alter what we hoped for.

My dear, all I can hope that my sub will stick by me should the time come when I need her the most.  I'm aware that she has needs just like we all do but honestly there are no guarantees that she will.  I must also consider what's best on her behalf since my fate may have already been sealed.  But, nothing is guaranteed.  For me, I've always been one to look for the balance in life, measure the pros and cons, objectively and look for a win/win solution.  I guess I'll continue to reason this way if and when the time comes.

I think, since neither of us has a crystal ball to see into the future, it's necessary for us to just take a day at a time and be grateful we have another day to enjoy each other.  Tomorrow is never guaranteed.  So make the best of today because who knows what tomorrow brings?  Be positive-minded but realistic and have faith.  I'm a walking miracle who was told I had 3-5 days to live almost 2 years ago when I was diagnosed and I looked my mortality in the face of death. 

You can do this !!!!!

LeatherBentOne

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: D/s interrupted by illness - 8/24/2006 5:48:43 AM   
pqwinny


Posts: 117
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		thanks for the perspective...i will keep you in my prayers

_____________________________

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 40
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