D/s interrupted by illness (Full Version)

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pqwinny -> D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 7:16:21 AM)

Let me apologize in advance for the length of this post, but i want to be clear about my intent and it may take a lot of words to do that.  i'm hoping for some input from others who may have had an experience similar to the one i am about to describe. 

my Sir has OCD.  i have known this all along.  He had an experience 20 years ago which was devastating and interrupted his daily life significantly but with professional help and medication, He recovered and has been able to keep the condition 'in check' successfully since, until just recently.

Last week he had an experience which has triggered a significant reaction in Him (though not as bad as the previous episode, by His descripton.)  We are very close and are working through this together.  Part of how my submissive needs are satisfied is through service, so that is a good thing.  However, He is in no condition to exercise dominance right now in terms of play or specific control or direction and that is the other main means of submissive gratification for me. There is no way to know how long this may affect Him before He feels He is Himself again and that is where my concern comes in.  i'm not feeling stressed by this yet but am concerned that i may begin to and would like to be prepared to respond to that, should it occur, rather than find myself simply reacting to it. 

i'm wondering if there are others who have had, and are willing to share, experience with going through and dealing with extended periods of interrupted D/s interaction because of illness or medical conditions. 

Thanks in advance for your help.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 7:27:19 AM)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_84833/mpage_1/key_illness/tm.htm#84833
serving in the presence of illness

http://www.collarchat.com/m_83526/mpage_1/key_illness/tm.htm#83526
living with a dom who has a chronic illness/disability

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202770/mpage_1/key_illness/tm.htm#202770
Mental Health Issues

You are still serving by being yourself, helping him and both of you working towards the long term of being happy together with what you can.  OCD, or almost all mental issues, is not a death sentance.  Even with setbacks or specific episodes, there is a lot out there to help people be strong and have very functioning lives.



pqwinny -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 7:37:05 AM)

thanks LA...i was hoping for a couple of good links from you... :)...and i appreciate your words of encouragement.  i don't see it as a death sentance, in fact it has brought us closer.  i just want to make sure i stay healthy throughout, for as long as it takes.  i don't want to contribute to His anxiety.  So far so good.  Thanks, again



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 8:22:05 AM)

Serving isnt just for the good times, it is for the bad as well. I had a Master once that fell and had to hip replacement surgery. This was a long revovery with rehab and such. For me serving isnt just about the physical. I made a comittment to serve a followed through. Helping take care of him during his recovery was also a way for me to serve.



LotusSong -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 8:43:18 AM)

quote:


i'm wondering if there are others who have had, and are willing to share, experience with going through and dealing with extended periods of interrupted D/s interaction because of illness or medical conditions. 

Thanks in advance for your help.


It's called LIFE!  Either you are going to stand by your Master or you are going to dismiss him in favor of getting your "needs" met.

Ask let me ask you this.. if the tables were turned and it was YOU that had this situation.. would you think He should stand by you?

Dom/mes are not toys you throw away because they "broke".  Sometimes you need to drop the master/slave thing and just be a FRIEND.  Friends stand by each other.

Sorry it it sounds harsh..but then.. this situation upsets me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 8:55:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong
Sorry it it sounds harsh..but then.. this situation upsets me.

Why does it upset you?  It's very normal that when life throws a harsh curve at someone, for them to think "Wow, what can I do?  Can I deal with this?  How?"

I don't think we should criticize people for being honest about their doubts and questions when it comes to serious life changes.  She seems to be addressing them sincerely, not trying to find a way to escape or blame or even vent.



kitty2MLoneWolf -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 8:56:26 AM)

It is too bad that the postings are focusing on "HER getting her needs met" when in reality what she was asking for was experiences from others to help her know what to expect in the future.. <sigh> 

The key statement in her post was this " i'm not feeling stressed by this yet but am concerned that i may begin to and would like to be prepared to respond to that, should it occur, rather than find myself simply reacting to it."
 
Hopefully others will be able to help her with this question rather than flaming her for admitting a need. As for me, I have no experience in this area..but I do wish you health and happiness as you and your Sir work through this period.



LotusSong -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 10:01:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Why does it upset you?  It's very normal that when life throws a harsh curve at someone, for them to think "Wow, what can I do?  Can I deal with this?  How?"

I don't think we should criticize people for being honest about their doubts and questions when it comes to serious life changes.  She seems to be addressing them sincerely, not trying to find a way to escape or blame or even vent.


It'd be far more honest for her to say... she just doesn't want to deal  this reality of  life because it just doesn't fit into her concept of submission. I'm not like you LA.... I don't see everything as all sunshine and roses.. some of it stinks.

It's this kind of thinking that makes the concept of "submission" all about the play aspect. If I can't play.. I can't submit.

Let me share another real situation.  A sub married a male dom 20 yrs her junior.  She is now 60 and has fibromyalgia.. she is in terrible pain.  Her "master" has now balloned up to 400 lbs from his dainty 300 pounds when they married.  He has such a heart problem he has trouble walking.  I hope they loved each other.. and I hope they can also be friends..because guess what.. the BDSM is out the window.

PEOPLE get SICK.. People done't  stop having problems because of the BLESSINGS of the Lifestyle!  I have seen "devoted" couples bale on each other in this lifestyle as much as in the vanilla life.

Should she bale on him in favor of her needs? Absolulely!    It'd be better than having someone attached to him that didn't want to be there because he is "non-functional" for them.

So GO.. LEAVE.. Run FAST Run FAR!  and hope the situation is never reversed on you.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 10:46:27 AM)

Such bitterness usually comes from a bad experience and i am sorry that this reaction to the post was so intense for you.  Sometimes i agree that in the long run it is best to leave, however she did not ask for anything other than advise on how to deal with the situation when it occurs.  It may not happen for her it is possible that everything will turn around quickly and life will go on.  However either way i think she is doing the responsible sub thing to do and that is seeking help before the situation hits B/both of them.  Read the information LA gave you and keep posting and getting help with a difficult situation.  Best wishes that Y/you both find Y/your way.  It is not just the sub that needs the help it is also the Dom.



LotusSong -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 11:42:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove

Such bitterness usually comes from a bad experience and i am sorry that this reaction to the post was so intense for you. 


A very inaccurate assumption on your part.  I'm IN the type of situation..and the man who is my submissive stuck by me..even with my attempts to tell him to just be on his way.  He made me realize that it ISN'T all about play and getting his "needs" met.  What an eye opener :)  I was relating my feelings as I would if I were her Dom.  So bitterness has no part in this at all (Shock maybe.. but bitterness-no).  I don't dance around a topic. :)

"If you want to know what lies on the road ahead.. ask those coming back".



SusanofO -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 12:41:15 PM)

To the OP: Well, I've got mild to moderate OCD. I also will be taking anti-depressant meds for the rest of my life; I have a biological depression that isn't going to go away. If something really devastating happened to me, I am sure even the anti-depressants meds would not necessarily prevent me from becoming suicidal, so whomever I end up with as a partner is going to have to understand that: I cannot stop taking my meds (and I take a fairly high dose of them on a daily basis), and I also cannot (ever) drink alcohol, and I have a need to have a clean house.

I am not obsessed with the clean thing, as much as I used to be, but little things can still get to me (someone here mentioned not being allowed to do the dishes immediately after dinner driving her crazy, and I feel and react to stuff like that). So, it's something to contend with that some people might not appreciate having to contend with in a partner. But, I do consider myself to be very sociable and intelligent and willing to invest myself in a relationship, when the time comes, so - there is hope for your relationship, I think. Also, good meds and medical attention can help tremendously. I remember a time when I would have considered myself as not being relationship material, due to depression and OCD. Those days are loooong gone, though, and have been, for over twenty years. Good luck.  

- Susan



pqwinny -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:11:47 PM)

i appreciate the comments and especially those who have come to my defense and understood that i am not looking to bale now or down the road--quite the opposite.  Because i have made the decision to be in this for the long haul i am intereseted in making sure that i am well prepared for the potential worst case scenario (emotionally and psychologically speaking). 

BTW; He has offered to release me nearly daily since this occured and sometimes more than once a day.  i have declined and reassured Him that i have no desire to leave repeatedly, unless of course He orders me to do so and even then i'm pretty sure He'd have to remove me by force. 



SusanofO -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:19:15 PM)

Well, I think it's great he has such an understanding partner. And thank God, you agree with taking meds. I remember about 3-1/2-4 years ago, when I first started delving into e-mailing others about this bdsm life-style, I started corresponding with a potential Dominant for me, who made it clear that he thought me taking medication was un-necessary, and how if I was with him, I would be using alternative herbal remedies only.

I was highly insulted by his assumption I would even consider going off my medication for him, and also by the fact he was willing to gamble with the health of someone whom he had never met, and didn't know the medical history of (my depressions were very severe, I had shock therapy, which is a last resort for most doctors who treat depression). I stopped communicating with him after that, gradually. I certainly stopped considering him as a potential partner, after those comments he made.

I'd ask your partner re-visit their doctor, if that is an option, if they haven't done this already. There are some medications now that were not available as little as even five years ago, that might help - who knows? Sometimes the right meds can make all the difference in the world. 

- Susan



mp072004 -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:43:53 PM)

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I know that it can be difficult when illness, mental or otherwise, gets in the way of the fun part of a relationship--BDSM or otherwise.

I don't know of any books or resources for family and friends of people with OCD. I have the vague impression that OCD, anxiety disorder, and depression have similarities in the way they impact relationships, but I'm no psychologist, and, more importantly, I don't know how your partner acts. If you think resources for family and friends of depressed persons would help, I would urge you to check out Anne Sheffield's two books: Depression Fallout, and How You Can Survive While They're Depressed. The former is geared toward marriages and partnerships; the latter discusses those relationships as well as parents and children. If you would be comfortable reading publications for psychologists and psychiatrists, you may want to look up some journal articles on OCD and interpersonal relationships and find out what the people who know know.

I suppose it may be a good thing that you're already in a d/s relationship, and that you go for service, because frequently, the healthy partner puts the needs of the unwell partner before his or her own, and you're likely already used to and okay with that. However, I would suggest that you still follow some of the dicta for people who haven't agreed to submit to their unwell lovers, including ensuring that you consciously develop and nurture hobbies and friendships that do not involve your partner or OCD. Spending time apart and dedicated to making you happy helps a great deal in resisting feelings of exhaustion or stress resulting from caring for your partner.

Good luck.

Monica



popeye1250 -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:45:19 PM)

Susan, I agree! It could be very dangerous for you (or anyone) to go "off their meds" just because someone doesn't like you taking them!
And, I would assume that that guy wasn't a doctor either.
Medications are very neccessary for some people and have to be taken in the correct dosage and at certain times to be effective.
I also cannot drink alchohol (Damn, I had a "drinking dream" last night that woke me right up!) (WHEW!)
Those can be scary.



SusanofO -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:46:22 PM)

Not only wasn't he a doctor, he was kind of an a__hole, popeye....hehe.

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:52:01 PM)

LOL! Susan, ...ah... yeah, it sounds like it!



SusanofO -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:53:44 PM)

I'd have a really hard time having a conversation with Tom Cruise. Remember how he criticized Brooke Shields (the actress), for taking meds to help her with post-partum depression after she gave birth to her child? What an idiot.

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 1:54:59 PM)

I'm not really that familiar with "O.C.D."
Is that when someone compulsively say, washes their hands or something like that?
Or maybe excessive cleaning?



SusanofO -> RE: D/s interrupted by illness (8/23/2006 2:04:29 PM)

My understanding of OCD is this: It is having to deal with "unwanted, intrusive thoughts", or severe anxiety, by resorting to some compulsive behavior that helps the person contend with the unwanted thoughts or anxiety somehow. Even though most (if not all) people with OCD tend to be intelligent, and know the compulsive behavior they engage in actually is not going to do realistically anything, perhaps, to keep the anxiety away, they do engage in the ritualistic behavior to ward it off anyway (because it's compulsive behavior for them).

Many doctors think it is caused by the way nuerons in the brain interact with eachother (which makes sense to me). There is alos some indication that a tendency to have OCD may be inherited (my mother was also a terrific "neat freak").  

For some people that means being a compulsive "neat freak". But, OCD can take many many forms. Some people have to check all of the locks on their doors before they leave their house, over and over (I know someone who does this). Some people engage in "hoarding" behavior (think of the people who collect animals - like the old lady who has 100 cats at her house, or collects lots of junk for no apparent reason). They can be the kids who count cracks in a wall or a sidewalk - because it distracts them from what they don't want to think about, that they can't seem to control thinking about (for some people).

These compulsive behaviors somehow lessen anxiety for the person. It is really only a problem if the person becomes less or completely unable to function due to having to enage in the compulsive behavior.  Otherwise, it might just be considered a bit  off or awkward (I think, anyway). 

I have to say, though, that any successful person I've ever met has been compulsive about what they wanted to achieve - and having OCD did help me in college. I was a compulsive studier. I read everything, and then some, about some topics, if I was taking a class. If I had to write a paper, it was a first-rate paper, you can bet on that. So, it can have some advantages, too. People who can use their OCD in ways like this will hardly ever be accused of being slackers.

And, I know plenty of people who do not have OCD who are also neat freaks. Not every "neat freak" has OCD, and anyone who jumps to this conclusion would be someone I'd think is just stupid. Personally, it doesn't interfere with my life. But I think it's because I take anti-depressants, and that is maybe helping me with it. In any case, for me, it is not a "big deal" - but it can be very difficult for many people who suffer from it. There is no "cure" for OCD (currently) - but it can be "managed", if the person is lucky, with medication and-or behavior therapy.

- Susan



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