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Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:01:05 AM   
MarkWilliam


Posts: 13
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:06:03 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Wear a t-shirt that says.. I am into D/s BDSM.. wanna share?? See who "gets it" <grins>

That would work in all situations except the workplace which should never be  aplace to discuss sexual activity anyways..(unless of course your kink is sexual harrassment lawsuits LOL)  unless of course your office is kink friendly in which case.. just come right out and discuss it.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:25:31 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		i have a small leather flogger attached to my key ring, that a friend of mine made for me.  Some think it is a Harley thang, and every so often, there have been those who have asked me if it was a flogger.  It gets lots of questions, and ya just gotta use your instincts when answering, either to keep the judgers at bay, or to invoke information out of someone.  There are similar things you could carry on your person, or have in your vehicle or even sitting on your desk at work, that will illicit questioning or curiosity. Just get creative. ;)
 
~rai

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:26:35 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Obviously, it would be inappropriate to bring up the subject of kink with someone you don't know...but if you are looking for submission, I think that sometimes there are small clues that present themselves...even if the presenter is unaware.

I once took a co-worker to lunch. He was from England and had just moved here to work a two year stretch with our company. My goal was to make him feel welcomed in the company and go over some things about the company and the area so that his transition would be easier.

At the end of lunch he told me that he was very glad that to have had the opportunity to get to know the "other" side of me. When I asked what he meant he said that it was nice to see me in a more relaxed atmosphere where I wasn't so "in charge". Then he said that at the office his impression of me was "tough as nails" but at lunch he realized I was really quite submissive. I have to tell you, this threw me off. I felt my face flush and was at a loss for words. He quickly said that submission is a beautiful thing and I shouldn't be embarassed.

We went back to work and I just tried to put the comments behind me really...but the question of how he saw that in me was burning in my mind. Finally a few weeks later I asked him. He laughed and said that at lunch that day he noticed that when the bread and salad came...I immediately buttered the bread and placed it in front of him. He then noticed that I waited for him to begin to eat before I took my first bite. I refilled his water from the pitcher several times over the course of the meal. And I was intently focused on what he was saying and didn't allow myself to be distracted by what was going on around me.

I'm not sure if I was amused or embarassed more. I had no idea that I had done any of that....some things are just habits.

Now I am not saying that this is a sure fire way of telling...but it does seem that Dominant men have often seen the submission in me...even when I didn't realize it was there.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:36:19 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Have a conversation with the person.  See how they interact with others.  Watch their body language...it is all a giveaway.
No kink having to ever be mentioned at all.

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 7:46:24 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I met my sub in an online game, neither of us at the time knew the other was into BDSM. We were talking one night and I asked "What kind of women do you like?" his reply was "I like really submissive women." I said "Ah too bad. But I'm sure there are plenty of them around." to which he replied "You aren't submissive?"  to which I stated "I am as far from submissive as you could possibly get."  I was up front about it with him and said that I'm into BDSM, I'm a Dominant female. He at the time was a Master in a relationship he was going to end.
Now two years later we are still together and he is now my sub.  I was just upfront about it and so was he. Maybe for us it was just luck or maybe fate had a hand in it I'm not really sure. My advice is look for subtle hints in their dress, their speech. But I think you would find out more through verbal communication then anything else.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 8:29:47 AM   
calamitysandra


Posts: 1682
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		What is it about online games? I met my Dom at one, too.
All he needed was a casual 30 min chat, and he had at least a strong suspicion that I am a submissive.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 9:18:38 AM   
MasterRoissey


Posts: 40
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		Personally I usually have a pretty fair sense quite quickly when talking to people.  .While I wear no outward sign, My slave leaves little question, if one is aware. she always wears both a discrete public collar as well as her "o" ring. Makes for such lively conversations. I think she got that from "how to make friends and influence people".

< Message edited by MasterRoissey -- 8/2/2006 9:20:09 AM >

_____________________________

"I have no hard limits...and yours are only temporary." Master Roissey

(in reply to calamitysandra)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 9:22:30 AM   
MasterRoissey


Posts: 40
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		Gosh I just saw I've been given a promotion...no more ice cream cones for ME. I'm moving up in this world!!

_____________________________

"I have no hard limits...and yours are only temporary." Master Roissey

(in reply to MasterRoissey)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 3:38:19 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The kink community isn't THAT small- in that finding someone isn't REALLY that hard.  In fact in terms of proportions to the vanilla world, I think there are as many kinky people looking for other kinky people as there are vanilla people looking for other vanilla people.

I don't approach kink topics unless it brings itself up (kinky commercial on tv or a movie we've both seen) or until I've really learned them well enough to take the risk.  And I never do it in a work environment.

You can look for body language, but that really won't tell you anything for certain, and certainly not whether they'd make a compatible partner for you.

I generally just do what I do- go to kink events, go to vanilla events, chat people up as they come along.  If I spark, I go with it.  I don't worry about numbers- all that matters is the one I spark with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 8:07:07 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?


Okay, well the best advice I've ever seen on this came from CrappyDom ( I hope I'm attributing that correctly!). 

Essentially, his thing was, while in casual conversation, to say something like, "Wow, it's so hot out there!  I wish I could safeword out of it." or something of the like. 

Brilliant!!  If the person you're talking to has any bdsm knowledge, they will immediately know you do too.  If not, then it'll likely just pass right by them.  That is one of my all-time favorite posts ever and I'm STILL looking for an opportunity to use it! 

That CrappyDom is one smart MoFo. 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 8:36:09 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		If you know what is good for you, you won't take my
advice.   I haven't tried any of these suggestions
except for the first one:
 
I simply say, "Do you mind if ask, if you are into
anything exotic or kinky."  If they ask, "Why?"
Say, there is something about you that made
me curious.   If they ask what, "Say, you just
couldn't put your finger on it."  

If you know someone well enough to broach
the subject of sexual preferences, say, "Just
out of curiosity, do you have any unusual
or kinky fantasies." 
 
Hang a pair of S&W handcuffs from your car mirror.
 
In Miami I notice a lot of cars with balls hanging
from the rear bumper.  Have no idea what it means.
 
Wear the bdsm emblem or ring.
 
Wear an Indiana Jones hat and carry an Indiana
Jones whip around with you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 8:38:01 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, a quote from Bertrand Russell. I'm impressed. He is one of my idols.

(in reply to joyinslavery)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 8:56:05 PM   
joyinslavery


Posts: 955
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Wow, a quote from Bertrand Russell. I'm impressed. He is one of my idols.


Yes, mine as well and thank you!  It's a partial quote but gets to the meat of what he is saying.  Glad to meet another Russell fan here!! 

_____________________________

"...we must learn, each one of us, that the world was not made for us, and that, however beautiful may be the things we crave, Fate may nevertheless forbid them."
-Bertrand Russell

Mainstream...The New Alternative

*Beware of dog*

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Raising the issue - 8/2/2006 11:17:19 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?


I've met submissive women throughout my life.  They weren't a part of the BDSM lifesyle, they were simply being themselves.  I think it's much easier to find a naturally submissive woman and introduce her to BDSM than it is to find a suitable partner who understands what BDSM is and embraces it.  All other things being equal, there are plenty of fish in that particular sea.
If you want to increase your odds of meeting the right woman who is already knowledgable about BDSM and hasn't run screaming from it, attend the events.  I don't know how "out" the community is in Lisbon, but your presence here suggests that there are like-minded souls in your neck of the woods. 
Best of luck,
Timothy

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Raising the issue - 8/3/2006 2:04:05 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?

Could be me, but I have always found that the honest approach works the best. After that, they can either take it or leave it.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Raising the issue - 8/3/2006 9:01:00 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		MarkWilliam.
i think there are many hints that can be put out there in the appropriate settings that will get interest by some and just passed over by others.
For instance, if someone tells a bad joke, laugh and say you should be flogged for that one, in a joking manner.  If someone is into what you are saying, they can get more into depth if they wish, and if they have no interest or don't understand it fully they will let it pass over their heads.
i think simple things will stick out like red flags to those in the lifestyle.
Just my opinion  on this anyhow.
aintbehavin

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Raising the issue - 8/3/2006 10:55:31 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Obviously, it would be inappropriate to bring up the subject of kink with someone you don't know.


LOL why not?  Worse case scenario is: when you ask that cute little blonde with the long legs if she likes to be on her knees and being tied from the ceiling from her toes...  is being slapped.

and if yer a masochist.. you're actually doing pretty good!


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Raising the issue - 8/3/2006 3:10:39 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Just d/s tendencies? Identifying whether a person is dominant or submissive to you is easy. We (we people, not we kinky people) do this regularly and often effortlessly in social interactions. A solicitous manner, like Erin described, may be a hint of submissive inclinations, but, as she noted, it isn't foolproof. By buttering her tablemate's bread, Erin served her tablemate, but she also controlled whether his bread was buttered and how thickly it was spread. I tend to look for deference and obedience. If I'm making most of the decisions when I'm in another's company, that person is necessarily submitting to me. If I have successfully persuaded someone of something or to do something, I'm dominant in the most measurable sense, because, well, I won.

This, of course, has nothing to do with whips and chains. However, if a person behaved submissively toward me, and we were in a sexually interested relationship, I imagine it would not be difficult to get that person to do what I wanted in the bedroom, even if "what I wanted" involved whips and chains.

Monica

(in reply to MarkWilliam)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Raising the issue - 8/5/2006 1:20:33 PM   
subinutah


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe it's because I'm a female, and can get away with it, but I always seem to make wise-cracks, and they're usually kinky. I've said things like, "That beam looks strong enough to tie you from..." to a cute stranger or, "Man, I'd rather be kneeling then sitting in this hard chair." which isn't too kinky, but always makes my Dom smile at me while everyone else looks confused. Or if I do something and feel the need to apologize, I'll say something like "I'm sorry, shall I grab the whip?"

Always good for a conversation starter.

(in reply to mp072004)
Profile   Post #: 20
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