Raising the issue (Full Version)

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MarkWilliam -> Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:01:05 AM)

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?



JessieMe -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:06:03 AM)

Wear a t-shirt that says.. I am into D/s BDSM.. wanna share?? See who "gets it" <grins>

That would work in all situations except the workplace which should never be  aplace to discuss sexual activity anyways..(unless of course your kink is sexual harrassment lawsuits LOL)  unless of course your office is kink friendly in which case.. just come right out and discuss it.



raiken -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:25:31 AM)

i have a small leather flogger attached to my key ring, that a friend of mine made for me.  Some think it is a Harley thang, and every so often, there have been those who have asked me if it was a flogger.  It gets lots of questions, and ya just gotta use your instincts when answering, either to keep the judgers at bay, or to invoke information out of someone.  There are similar things you could carry on your person, or have in your vehicle or even sitting on your desk at work, that will illicit questioning or curiosity. Just get creative. ;)
 
~rai



mistoferin -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:26:35 AM)

Obviously, it would be inappropriate to bring up the subject of kink with someone you don't know...but if you are looking for submission, I think that sometimes there are small clues that present themselves...even if the presenter is unaware.

I once took a co-worker to lunch. He was from England and had just moved here to work a two year stretch with our company. My goal was to make him feel welcomed in the company and go over some things about the company and the area so that his transition would be easier.

At the end of lunch he told me that he was very glad that to have had the opportunity to get to know the "other" side of me. When I asked what he meant he said that it was nice to see me in a more relaxed atmosphere where I wasn't so "in charge". Then he said that at the office his impression of me was "tough as nails" but at lunch he realized I was really quite submissive. I have to tell you, this threw me off. I felt my face flush and was at a loss for words. He quickly said that submission is a beautiful thing and I shouldn't be embarassed.

We went back to work and I just tried to put the comments behind me really...but the question of how he saw that in me was burning in my mind. Finally a few weeks later I asked him. He laughed and said that at lunch that day he noticed that when the bread and salad came...I immediately buttered the bread and placed it in front of him. He then noticed that I waited for him to begin to eat before I took my first bite. I refilled his water from the pitcher several times over the course of the meal. And I was intently focused on what he was saying and didn't allow myself to be distracted by what was going on around me.

I'm not sure if I was amused or embarassed more. I had no idea that I had done any of that....some things are just habits.

Now I am not saying that this is a sure fire way of telling...but it does seem that Dominant men have often seen the submission in me...even when I didn't realize it was there.



sub4hire -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:36:19 AM)

Have a conversation with the person.  See how they interact with others.  Watch their body language...it is all a giveaway.
No kink having to ever be mentioned at all.



Lashra -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 7:46:24 AM)

I met my sub in an online game, neither of us at the time knew the other was into BDSM. We were talking one night and I asked "What kind of women do you like?" his reply was "I like really submissive women." I said "Ah too bad. But I'm sure there are plenty of them around." to which he replied "You aren't submissive?"  to which I stated "I am as far from submissive as you could possibly get."[:)]  I was up front about it with him and said that I'm into BDSM, I'm a Dominant female. He at the time was a Master in a relationship he was going to end.
Now two years later we are still together and he is now my sub.  I was just upfront about it and so was he. Maybe for us it was just luck or maybe fate had a hand in it I'm not really sure. My advice is look for subtle hints in their dress, their speech. But I think you would find out more through verbal communication then anything else.

~Lashra



calamitysandra -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 8:29:47 AM)

What is it about online games? I met my Dom at one, too.
All he needed was a casual 30 min chat, and he had at least a strong suspicion that I am a submissive.



MasterRoissey -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 9:18:38 AM)

Personally I usually have a pretty fair sense quite quickly when talking to people.  .While I wear no outward sign, My slave leaves little question, if one is aware. she always wears both a discrete public collar as well as her "o" ring. Makes for such lively conversations. I think she got that from "how to make friends and influence people".



MasterRoissey -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 9:22:30 AM)

Gosh I just saw I've been given a promotion...no more ice cream cones for ME. I'm moving up in this world!!



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 3:38:19 PM)

The kink community isn't THAT small- in that finding someone isn't REALLY that hard.  In fact in terms of proportions to the vanilla world, I think there are as many kinky people looking for other kinky people as there are vanilla people looking for other vanilla people.

I don't approach kink topics unless it brings itself up (kinky commercial on tv or a movie we've both seen) or until I've really learned them well enough to take the risk.  And I never do it in a work environment.

You can look for body language, but that really won't tell you anything for certain, and certainly not whether they'd make a compatible partner for you.

I generally just do what I do- go to kink events, go to vanilla events, chat people up as they come along.  If I spark, I go with it.  I don't worry about numbers- all that matters is the one I spark with.



joyinslavery -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 8:07:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?


Okay, well the best advice I've ever seen on this came from CrappyDom ( I hope I'm attributing that correctly!). 

Essentially, his thing was, while in casual conversation, to say something like, "Wow, it's so hot out there!  I wish I could safeword out of it." or something of the like. 

Brilliant!!  If the person you're talking to has any bdsm knowledge, they will immediately know you do too.  If not, then it'll likely just pass right by them.  That is one of my all-time favorite posts ever and I'm STILL looking for an opportunity to use it! 

That CrappyDom is one smart MoFo. 



WhipTheHip -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 8:36:09 PM)

If you know what is good for you, you won't take my
advice.   I haven't tried any of these suggestions
except for the first one:
 
I simply say, "Do you mind if ask, if you are into
anything exotic or kinky."  If they ask, "Why?"
Say, there is something about you that made
me curious.   If they ask what, "Say, you just
couldn't put your finger on it."  

If you know someone well enough to broach
the subject of sexual preferences, say, "Just
out of curiosity, do you have any unusual
or kinky fantasies." 
 
Hang a pair of S&W handcuffs from your car mirror.
 
In Miami I notice a lot of cars with balls hanging
from the rear bumper.  Have no idea what it means.
 
Wear the bdsm emblem or ring.
 
Wear an Indiana Jones hat and carry an Indiana
Jones whip around with you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



WhipTheHip -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 8:38:01 PM)

Wow, a quote from Bertrand Russell. I'm impressed. He is one of my idols.



joyinslavery -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 8:56:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Wow, a quote from Bertrand Russell. I'm impressed. He is one of my idols.


Yes, mine as well and thank you!  It's a partial quote but gets to the meat of what he is saying.  Glad to meet another Russell fan here!! 



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Raising the issue (8/2/2006 11:17:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?


I've met submissive women throughout my life.  They weren't a part of the BDSM lifesyle, they were simply being themselves.  I think it's much easier to find a naturally submissive woman and introduce her to BDSM than it is to find a suitable partner who understands what BDSM is and embraces it.  All other things being equal, there are plenty of fish in that particular sea.
If you want to increase your odds of meeting the right woman who is already knowledgable about BDSM and hasn't run screaming from it, attend the events.  I don't know how "out" the community is in Lisbon, but your presence here suggests that there are like-minded souls in your neck of the woods. 
Best of luck,
Timothy



Tikkiee -> RE: Raising the issue (8/3/2006 2:04:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarkWilliam

The BDSM community is extremely small compared with the vanilla world, so the chance of finding a suitable partner is much more limited, obviously.

So when we do meet someone we like, be it in the office, in a bar, at a nightclub, down the gym, etc., how do we find out if they have any D/s tendencies without giving too much away about ourselves and/or scaring them off?

Could be me, but I have always found that the honest approach works the best. After that, they can either take it or leave it.



LL1aintbehavin -> RE: Raising the issue (8/3/2006 9:01:00 AM)

MarkWilliam.
i think there are many hints that can be put out there in the appropriate settings that will get interest by some and just passed over by others.
For instance, if someone tells a bad joke, laugh and say you should be flogged for that one, in a joking manner.  If someone is into what you are saying, they can get more into depth if they wish, and if they have no interest or don't understand it fully they will let it pass over their heads.
i think simple things will stick out like red flags to those in the lifestyle.
Just my opinion  on this anyhow.
aintbehavin



Devilslilsister -> RE: Raising the issue (8/3/2006 10:55:31 AM)

quote:

Obviously, it would be inappropriate to bring up the subject of kink with someone you don't know.


LOL why not?  Worse case scenario is: when you ask that cute little blonde with the long legs if she likes to be on her knees and being tied from the ceiling from her toes...  is being slapped.

and if yer a masochist.. you're actually doing pretty good!



mp072004 -> RE: Raising the issue (8/3/2006 3:10:39 PM)

Just d/s tendencies? Identifying whether a person is dominant or submissive to you is easy. We (we people, not we kinky people) do this regularly and often effortlessly in social interactions. A solicitous manner, like Erin described, may be a hint of submissive inclinations, but, as she noted, it isn't foolproof. By buttering her tablemate's bread, Erin served her tablemate, but she also controlled whether his bread was buttered and how thickly it was spread. I tend to look for deference and obedience. If I'm making most of the decisions when I'm in another's company, that person is necessarily submitting to me. If I have successfully persuaded someone of something or to do something, I'm dominant in the most measurable sense, because, well, I won.

This, of course, has nothing to do with whips and chains. However, if a person behaved submissively toward me, and we were in a sexually interested relationship, I imagine it would not be difficult to get that person to do what I wanted in the bedroom, even if "what I wanted" involved whips and chains.

Monica



subinutah -> RE: Raising the issue (8/5/2006 1:20:33 PM)

Maybe it's because I'm a female, and can get away with it, but I always seem to make wise-cracks, and they're usually kinky. I've said things like, "That beam looks strong enough to tie you from..." to a cute stranger or, "Man, I'd rather be kneeling then sitting in this hard chair." which isn't too kinky, but always makes my Dom smile at me while everyone else looks confused. Or if I do something and feel the need to apologize, I'll say something like "I'm sorry, shall I grab the whip?"

Always good for a conversation starter.



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