NurseKitty
Posts: 33
Joined: 6/14/2006
From: Syracuse, New York
Status: offline
|
I find it interesting that for as overly intellectual as I tend to be (or at least think I am), I've not thought to actually 'answer' the question posed by DD in the initial post for myself. Not feeling the need to articulate an answer up til now is, I think, a very good sign.
I'm 34, divorced mother of one, and owing to my Irish heritage stubborn to a fault. I came from a place of not being able to say shit if I had a mouthful when I was younger (I wasn't fortunate enough to have strong advocates as a teenager) to being boisterously obnoxious and independent. To say this was a hard fought battle is an understatement; I literally scraped together what little self-respect I could muster round about the age of 22 and proceeded to build on it for several years. The result, while a much more self-assured individual was someone who was figured that if I was going to be happy in this life I had to do it myself (which turned into I had to do it alone), along with several other significantly Freudian personality quirks I won't bother to mention for various reasons, one being my propensity to talk wayyyyyyyyy too much. The downside to becoming so self-reliant is that although being forced to rely on myself was a necessary step in my development it didn't prove to be all sunshine and roses.
I spent several years after my divorce being mostly alone, although I did date. I never really found anyone who I felt measured up, but to what yardstick I was holding them against for comparison, I wasn't quite sure. Whenever I was in a relationship it tended to be with rather 'meek' men, or men who had difficulty with commitment, or oftentimes there wasn't even a relationship....just relations.
I came to the 'lifestyle' by rather unconventional means, having sent an offline instant message to a person who had a few Yahoo profiles, all stating quite bluntly his interest in 'BDSM' (my IM was basically 'hey I admire your boldness and just what the heck does 'BDSM' stand for?') . Much to my surprise I received a reply IM from a person who (also much to my surprise) was quite intelligent, articulate, funny, etc.....not what I was expecting. We began chatting online, him knowing full well I didn't have a damn clue nor did it occur to me to wonder what BDSM was, and me knowing that this was his lifestyle choice. We hit it off so well by the time we met for drinks a few months later, the sparks almost literally flew. 9 months later, I've gone from being as vanilla as the driven snow to His collared submissive, and i've personally never been happier.
So, what exactly does BDSM do for me? Firstly, it reminds me not to make judgments about people without getting to know them. Too often we discount people based on how they look or how they dress or the sort of job they have (or in my field of work, their insurance coverage). I grew up in an extremely bigoted/racist household, and it's been difficult to overcome this. I've found meeting people within the lifestyle constantly reminds me of just how beneficial it is to reserve judgment until after you've gotten to know someone and had the opportunity to decide for yourself whether or not someone's an asshole based on their own merit, and nothing else.
BDSM reminds me of the value of broadening my horizons, branching out, operating outside the safety zone. It helps me to remember the value of the journey, not just the destination. I pride myself on being openminded....but just how openminded is someone if they're not exploring the boundaries of their consciousness? I've certainly had several experiences I never would have even considered under other circumstances, partly from being somewhat sheltered and naive, partly from just never having thought to consider it as an option. Without exception, I'd say these experiences have helped me learn who I am as a person (and who I want to be), and have helped give me direction in the path I wish to take in this life.
BDSM has shown me the strength required in letting go, in trusting others enough to turn over control of certain aspects of my life. This is definitely a work in progress, something I struggle with on a continual basis but something I'm greatful to have the opportunity to work on. I'm the quintessential type A personality, one who would rather do it all myself than trust someone else to do it for me. I'm horrible at delegating responsibility because I don't trust that others will do it up to my standards.
Above everything else, BDSM has brought me an inner peace I didn't think was possible. The connection I have with my lover/Dom/boyfriend/hopefully life partner is stronger than anything I could have ever imagined, and far more intense than anything I've ever experienced. Being able to know without a doubt that I can trust someone to be in control, to spank me and to whip me and make me cry and all the while to know I'm ultimately safe in His arms, that is a very powerful gift he has given me. My family and friends have all noticed the change in me. I don't seem nearly as stressed. I'm not as frantic as I used to be. I handle stress at work and in my personal life much better than I ever have. And above all, those closest to me have commented that they don't remember me seeming happier for as far back as they remember.
While I endeavor to act in as selfless a manner as possible, it is with the knowledge that I have the trust and love and devotion and loyalty and strength of another. BDSM or not, never before in my life have I known such stability, such peace. My Sir and I are still working on figuring out how our relationship works, the ins and outs of this exchange of power so to speak. The arguements are so much more intense than I've ever dealt with, but so are the benefits. I'm quite willing to take the highs with the lows, because ultimately I have unending trust in Sir and in our relationship. While it's not practical for us to be D/s 24/7 we have managed to create something exceptionally special in our lives, a bond that simultaneously seems as fine as spider silk and as unbreakable as the strongest titanium. It is this security that is so new to me that I cherish, one that allows me to enjoy life much more fully, one that allows me to actually be happy. So basically BDSM itself doesn't make me happy, but all it has shown me and all it has allowed me to grow within its context has lead to a feeling of intense safety, one where I have the strength to explore life more fully knowing at the end of the day no matter what happens, Sir will place my collar around my neck and reaffirm His commitment to me as well as our relationship. I don't feel owned.....I feel as I belong--as never before and the gods willing, as never again. 
_____________________________
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~ Mae West
|
RE: Does BDSM make you happy? - 
Profile
RE: Does BDSM make you happy? - 
RE: Does BDSM make you happy? - 
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread