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just2cute2care -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/28/2006 4:20:12 PM)
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Thank you everyone, for your thoughts.
Yes, there is a problem bubbling away. I know that, and unlike previous relationships, I'm addressing this one head-on. We had already (prior to my initial post) talked about this, and I very EMPHATICALLY made the point with him (we're a gay couple) that I'm not prepared to live in a fiery relationship based on fighting and making up. To be truthful, it's only happened 3 times, but all three have been in the past month. The irony in this situation is "M" has been victimized in the very same ways I'm experiencing FROM "M." -- what bothers me is "M" doesn't seem to see that his behavior is the same behavior he wouldn't live with in his previous relationships, and when it's pointed out, the apology is rudimentary, even dismissive at times. There is an emerging "it's never my fault" quality that just baffles me. It is very hard to sit down and express my issues when a large part of the work is making the other person see (and even believe) my point of view.
And your observations are correct, this started out a sexually D/s relationship, I am NOT someone who needs to be fixed, am quite capable of looking after myself, thank you very much, and have always been explicitly clear that I'm looking for a PARTNER in life, not a master. Whatever anyone else feels about that, that's where I'm at, and that's where I'm staying. Anything else, for me, would be psychologically damaging. I suspect my refusal to have my life and will subjugated to his may well make me less attractive to him, a risk I'm going to have to face.
So saying, I still have power over my own life, and I KNOW that I am certainly capable of doing whatever is necessary for my own well-being (even if that means the end of a relationship). I would just like to proceed by doing the least possible damage as I can, while ensuring that what unfolds in the future meets my needs. In other words, at this point, I'd prefer not to "throw the baby out with the bath water," so to speak. To that end, a good heart-to-heart is in order, whatever happens. Your posts have helped a great deal, not for their advice so much, as for their perspective as outsiders. I feel much more secure and solid in my resolve for what I must now do, which is to re-open a dialogue about the nature and direction of this relationship. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, and especially how I'm going to say it - perhaps writing it down is a good idea.
Life is nothing if not complicated.
2cute
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