domination, boundaries, and respect

domination, boundaries, and respect (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

just2cute2care -> domination, boundaries, and respect (7/25/2006 10:08:23 PM)
Granted, I'm pretty new at this whole fascinating scene. Granted, I'm a big boy - being a submissive is no excuse! - and I am responsible for my own decisions and for taking care of myself, for my own body and health (physical or otherwise), for my own needs, and for my own feelings and emotions. No argument from me there. Here's the complication I'm struggling with: while I am comfortable (even enjoy) acquiescing to a more dominant personality, especially sexually, I have been clear from the beginning about the boundaries I need, specifically, to what extend I am comfortable allowing that "domination" to extend into day-to-day life - in a relationship (which is also, at 9 months, pretty new, too). I am finding it very difficult to maintain those boundaries, am finding that, increasingly and in subtle ways (and sometimes NOT so subtle), this domination is being extended into areas of life with my partner that I am not/never was comfortable with. I am increasingly on the receiving end of flashes of anger and rage, followed by rationalizations for them, even turning the responsibility back onto me ("it's your fault I got angry because you did......." or "we're doing this Thursday night, so make sure you're free" or "I've decided we're going here on our vacation"). Sounds more co-dependent than dominant to me (at least what I THOUGHT a dom/sub relationship would look loike). And yes, there is a sadomasochistic quality about our relationship that we BOTH enjoy – to a POINT. At times I feel like an emotional punching bag - humiliation was NOT what I was/am interested in (sorry to those that enjoy it, I don't), especially out of the bedroom. But, perception is everything. I'm feeling awkward, confused, and increasingly distrustful, not only of where all this is headed, but whether or not this is something I should EXPECT from an explicitly dom/submissive relationship? How to you negotiate in a relationship where the domination (at least in one aspect of life: sex) by one party is one of the components of the attraction in the first place, and is an integral part of the relationship? How to you balance "equality" and domination in the same relationship - it sure doesn't feel like there's a switch that can be turned on and off when interactions shift from the bedroom to the street. Is this just my own anxiety about submitting and giving up power on any level? Jesus, I feel like I'm coming out of the closet all over again, and that's not an experience I enjoyed or care to experience again. Self-discovery is fine, but I could use a few less "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" this time around. A little practical observation about life/shared experience would be MUCH appreciated as I grapple with the balance of exploring the hitherto darker recesses my sexual identity against the by-product of now having to lie in my bed. <<sigh>> I hate this..........

MasterFireMaam -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/25/2006 10:32:59 PM)
Welcome! It's very hard to be in a situation such as yours and I can sympathize at how it feels like you're 16 all over again, so to speak. However, you should never have to accept anything less but a partner who cares for you and treats you with respect, unless those are the dynamics you are looking for. There are people out here who believe that Ds and Ms relationships ARE based on equals coming together in a defined relationship. Not everyone feels that Dominants are inherently superior beings just because they're Dominant. Just because you're submissive and he's Dominant doesn't mean that he has the right to be abusive to you. To cut to the chase, if he isn't respecting your agreed upon limits, emotional boundaries and/or is treating you in a abusive manner, you have to realy look hard and see if he's really a match for you. you seem to be self aware and have an idea about what a relationship is about, Ds/Ms or not. Have you: 1) Talked to your Dominant about these issues. If not, ask for some real one-on-one time. 2) Written down what you do and don't want in a Ds relationship? 3) Thought about a contingency plan for continuing the relationship? 4) Thought about a contingency plan for ending the relationship? I hope some of this helps...and I'm sure that others will add some great advice. Master Fire

crouchingtigress -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/25/2006 10:35:35 PM)
first off, anyone, dominant or vanilla, who blames another for their own angry out bursts, is not only not in control of them selves at the time, but also is unable to accept personal accountability. That worries me because being personally accountable, personally responsible is such and important aspect to a Dominants role in the relationship because if you think about it this way, the normal checks and balances are removed as in vanilla and He is the only one who can keep himself in check. second off, resistance is normal, after all suddenly you dont have freedoms you did not even know you had, such as asking to go to the bathroom ect so resiting that is part of the "slave experience" if you will, finding ways to align yourself with your Masters will.... Which is all fine and good except in your situation you dont sound like you are ready to move to this level of servitude...Put your foot down. Say No. And be clear where your boundaries extend to. Some folks find a contract useful for this exact reason to have things in black and white, clear lines in the sand. and last off, you do not deserve to be a whipping boy, dominants dont get to use slaves for their personal emotional punching bags, i personally think play even lifestyle play should be fun.(not to be confused with easy because being a slave is not easy) but if it is not fun, if you are getting painful "slings and arrows" of another's emotional baggage then you should really consider options of remedy, maybe the contract, maybe a mentor for him or you or both, maybe some down time ect..but make some sort of plan because i have lived this situation and it does not get better by itself... i wish you well and bid you peace...and welcome to the fora!

nefertari -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/25/2006 10:43:17 PM)
Sounds like your Dom has crossed the line from dominating into abuse. You stated that you are feeling increasingly distrustful. As trust is such an integral part of any D/s situation, that should be your guide. It is not your role as submissive to be, as you put it, an emotional punching bag for your Dom. A true Dom/Domme is secure enough in him/herself to be able to own their own feelings, mistakes, etc. and doesn't need someone to take it out on.

Homestead -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/25/2006 11:33:35 PM)
Show her this, and ask her to answer it point by point. Then tell her that this is headed down the drain-unless she makes enough concessions for your comfort zone to be maintained. Don't put your self into a living hell just to satisfy another's fantasies. It's not worth going there for anyone-no matter how cool they think they are.

abytchgoddess4u -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 12:34:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: just2cute2care ~I have been clear from the beginning about the boundaries I need, specifically, to what extend I am comfortable allowing that "domination" to extend into day-to-day life - ~this domination is being extended into areas of life with my partner that I am not/never was comfortable with. ~I am increasingly on the receiving end of flashes of anger and rage, followed by rationalizations for them, even turning the responsibility back onto me ("it's your fault I got angry because you did......." ~At times I feel like an emotional punching bag - humiliation was NOT what I was/am interested in ~ But, perception is everything. ~I'm feeling awkward, confused, and increasingly distrustful, not only of where all this is headed, but whether or not this is something I should EXPECT from an explicitly dom/submissive relationship? ~<<sigh>> I hate this.......... You are correct, perception IS everything. You are perceiving that you are being at the very least, pushed beyond your limits...and in my estimation, I perceive you are in an abusive relationship. Of course, I don't know you, but the warning signs and red flags are there. Ask yourself what you would say to your best friend if you knew they were in the exact same situation...then do it. This is a very good site from the National Lerather Association about BDSM and domestic violence... http://www.nlaidvproject.us/ They can help you find local resources. Here is another source that has very informative articles... http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/nla/nla1.htm You have the right to express yourself and have your wishes respected, please remember that...:)

domtimothy46176 -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 12:47:22 AM)
I won't attempt to reply to the specifics of your situation but I will address some general points. As an owner, it's my responsibility to ensure the complete health and welfare of my girl, sofar as it is within my power to do so. This was also true before she was owned, although to a lesser extent as there were more areas that were off-limits to my authority. That responsibility, however far it extends, includes ensuring that I am not, either by action or by inaction, causing harm, physical or mental. This stricture necessarily prevents me from completely satiating my every whim. There are times and circumstances wherein what I want will be put on a back burner, sometimes indefinately. Sucks to be me, lol. It is not, howevermuch I may proclaim to the contrary, all about me. There are also times when I have done absolutely nothing wrong (few and far between, alas) and yet things are still not right. Part of my job is to discover what's wrong and what steps must be taken to remedy the situation. It all comes back to ensuring health and safety. Sometimes what is needed is a bit of a "breather", setting up some free time so that toy feels able to vent about all the little things that tax her patience and my headache will have to wait. Other times snuggle time is required and it doesn't really matter that I've been looking forward to watching the new episode since last season's finale. With power comes responsibility. If I'm going to exercise authority/power, I must be prepared to assume the responsibility that comes with it. That means playing by the rules, doing what I've said I will do. I can't expect all the fringe benefits if I'm not willing to do the job correctly. I think it's fair to expect the same sense of duty from my property. The best way I know to get good service is to be a good owner. It is, at its core a symbiotic relationship. If one gives and the other only takes, then the taker would, by definition, be a parasite. For what it's worth, there are, in my experience, many parasites on both sides of the whip. I don't know if my input will be helpful in any way but I do wish you the best of luck. If you do find yourself partnered to an emotional leech, do yourself a favor and tell him, "Suck off!" (Sorry folks, that one just begged to be loosed upon an unsuspecting public) Be well, Timothy Bodyscapes Body Jewelry

letcandb -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 1:15:19 AM)
This is my first time reading a forum post with responses. I like these responses; they show caring and seem logical and objective. I would like to hear how Just2cute2care feels having read these responses and what you plan to do now?

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 1:55:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u Ask yourself what you would say to your best friend if you knew they were in the exact same situation...then do it. Actually, sugar, this is a very good way to take a more objective view of things. What would you do if it were me? Considering how protective you are of me, I'm going to venture that you might want me to err on the side of caution. I'm so sorry I haven't been around to talk lately, but maybe we need to do a phone chat? You've mentioned this situation to me before, but maybe new things have happened since we last spoke? Damn, Philly is too far away, wish you guys were still here! Love you! [sm=flowers.gif]

RavenMuse -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 3:00:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: just2cute2care this domination is being extended into areas of life with my partner that I am not/never was comfortable with. I am increasingly on the receiving end of flashes of anger and rage, followed by rationalizations for them, even turning the responsibility back onto me ("it's your fault I got angry because you did......." or "we're doing this Thursday night, so make sure you're free" or "I've decided we're going here on our vacation"). OK one thing you seem to lack is viewpoint of how things work for others, so I'm going to take the three things you mentioned and relate them to how it would happen in My own situation. "I've decided we're going here on our vacation".... OK this hasn't happened yet, but is likely to in the future and has been discussed. helen knows there are some places I want to take her when finances and timing allows. When I have the finances and I know she can free up the time, we are going. Helen is afraid of flying.... however IF where I wish to take her requires a flight she WILL be facing that fear (With support from me obviously) "We are doing this Thursday night, so make sure you are free".... Not quite. helen does have some responcibilitys of her own that can not be avoided, part of the responcibility I took on in collaring her was to support and enable her to fullfill her obligations. If I already knew the Thursday night was free THEN I could require her to attend whatever I had planned if not then she would be asked to see if she could manage to free up the Thursday night. Her responcibilitys are as important to me as they are to her. "It is your fault I got angry because..." OK this is the one where no matter how I look at it, your dom looks in the wrong. I am responcible for my own anger, I don't unleash it on my girl and then try to pass off the blaim.... that sort of thing is atypical of abuse. Has she done things that has got me to be angry... sure... that means I either time out her whilst I calm down (Not happened so far with helen) or step away and time out myself so I can take a deep breath and return to rational thinking before trying to deal with it. An action that gets me angry is a potential problem with the relationship, me loosing my cool and taking that anger out on My girl would only make it worse. I am Master.... that starts with Mastering Myself. If I can't do that then I have no damn business trying to Master another. She maybe responcible for the action but only I can be responcible for my anger! So there you go... only one area where there is a massive diffrence.... BUT... the situation you describe your relationship as is one of sub/Domme (You expect only limited control in other parts of your life).... the one I have is Master/slave.... (Ownership. There is no part of her life off-limits except those I set out as being her responcibility) I think you maybe have some talking to do with your Domme because it looks like you and her maybe not viewing the relationship the same way. Is your discomfort actualy with the level of control or with the fact that it isn't what was expected? I do hope the pair of you have some channels of communication that make relationship problems easier to raise. I own my girl, but she is still free to appropriatly raise any problem or feeling for discussion. I would be a little concerned about any situation where the s-type felt they couldn't raise such things.

darkinshadows -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 4:21:44 AM)
I am going to respond, coming from a Dominant submissive pov. And I agree with what RavenMuse has stated. The issue of holidays - I am afraid of flying, but it has been discussed that I will be flying at some point, with support, to the places he wishes to go and show me. That does not mean, however, that I am not allowed to express an interest in visiting somewhere (Canada for example) - and this is duely noted and taken on board - even discussed. But in the end it is His decision. On the 'make sure you are available' issue. I have commitments that are already negociated. I have a duty to attend munches, art instalations, deadlines for work, parents, friends... any dominant who has their submissives best interests at heart would understand that. All things are taken into consideration. If it is vital I attend and be there for the dominant, this is discussed and dates rearranged with his support. As for responsibility on anger and reactions. Each person is responsible for themself. If she gets mad - her responsibility. If she loses control - that is on her head - passing the blame is passing the buck and denying her responsiblity. You are not to blame for her not being able to control her emotions and if she cannot control those, how can she possibly master someone else? Talk this through with her - listen and see her response, and take it from there. But to me, there are red flags and this relationship for me - just would not work. Peace and Rapture

sharainks -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 4:24:13 AM)
If you set clear boundaries of what areas you were not comfortable with her delving into then that needs to be honored. If she can't accept that you have limits in those areas then you need to move on. People can't live in ways that aren't working for them for very long. There isn't anything "wrong" with not wanting someone else to control more in your life than you want them to. Its just a limit that you have stated and she isn't abiding by.

LadyJulieAnn -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 5:01:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: just2cute2care Granted, I'm pretty new at this whole fascinating scene. Granted, I'm a big boy - being a submissive is no excuse! - and I am responsible for my own decisions and for taking care of myself, for my own body and health (physical or otherwise), for my own needs, and for my own feelings and emotions. No argument from me there. Here's the complication I'm struggling with: while I am comfortable (even enjoy) acquiescing to a more dominant personality, especially sexually, I have been clear from the beginning about the boundaries I need, specifically, to what extend I am comfortable allowing that "domination" to extend into day-to-day life - in a relationship (which is also, at 9 months, pretty new, too). I am finding it very difficult to maintain those boundaries, am finding that, increasingly and in subtle ways (and sometimes NOT so subtle), this domination is being extended into areas of life with my partner that I am not/never was comfortable with. I am increasingly on the receiving end of flashes of anger and rage, followed by rationalizations for them, even turning the responsibility back onto me ("it's your fault I got angry because you did......." or "we're doing this Thursday night, so make sure you're free" or "I've decided we're going here on our vacation"). Sounds more co-dependent than dominant to me (at least what I THOUGHT a dom/sub relationship would look loike). And yes, there is a sadomasochistic quality about our relationship that we BOTH enjoy – to a POINT. At times I feel like an emotional punching bag - humiliation was NOT what I was/am interested in (sorry to those that enjoy it, I don't), especially out of the bedroom. But, perception is everything. I'm feeling awkward, confused, and increasingly distrustful, not only of where all this is headed, but whether or not this is something I should EXPECT from an explicitly dom/submissive relationship? How to you negotiate in a relationship where the domination (at least in one aspect of life: sex) by one party is one of the components of the attraction in the first place, and is an integral part of the relationship? How to you balance "equality" and domination in the same relationship - it sure doesn't feel like there's a switch that can be turned on and off when interactions shift from the bedroom to the street. Is this just my own anxiety about submitting and giving up power on any level? Jesus, I feel like I'm coming out of the closet all over again, and that's not an experience I enjoyed or care to experience again. Self-discovery is fine, but I could use a few less "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" this time around. A little practical observation about life/shared experience would be MUCH appreciated as I grapple with the balance of exploring the hitherto darker recesses my sexual identity against the by-product of now having to lie in my bed. <<sigh>> I hate this.......... In my opinion, if you are feeling the things I highlighted, it doesn't matter what type of relationship you are in. It's obvious that this relationship is not providing you with positive feelings. Communicate your feelings to your partner, and if things don't change, I would say that it's time to move on. I think too often a D/s relationship is used to justify unhealthy behaviors and relationships, when really, if you strip everything down to it's basic foundation, it really is just unhealthy behavior. Be well, Julie

myst2 -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 6:18:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: just2cute2care Granted, I'm pretty new at this whole fascinating scene. Granted, I'm a big boy - being a submissive is no excuse! - and I am responsible for my own decisions and for taking care of myself, for my own body and health (physical or otherwise), for my own needs, and for my own feelings and emotions. No argument from me there. Here's the complication I'm struggling with: while I am comfortable (even enjoy) acquiescing to a more dominant personality, especially sexually, I have been clear from the beginning about the boundaries I need, specifically, to what extend I am comfortable allowing that "domination" to extend into day-to-day life - in a relationship (which is also, at 9 months, pretty new, too). I am finding it very difficult to maintain those boundaries, am finding that, increasingly and in subtle ways (and sometimes NOT so subtle), this domination is being extended into areas of life with my partner that I am not/never was comfortable with. I am increasingly on the receiving end of flashes of anger and rage, followed by rationalizations for them, even turning the responsibility back onto me ("it's your fault I got angry because you did......." or "we're doing this Thursday night, so make sure you're free" or "I've decided we're going here on our vacation"). Sounds more co-dependent than dominant to me (at least what I THOUGHT a dom/sub relationship would look loike). And yes, there is a sadomasochistic quality about our relationship that we BOTH enjoy – to a POINT. At times I feel like an emotional punching bag - humiliation was NOT what I was/am interested in (sorry to those that enjoy it, I don't), especially out of the bedroom. But, perception is everything. I'm feeling awkward, confused, and increasingly distrustful, not only of where all this is headed, but whether or not this is something I should EXPECT from an explicitly dom/submissive relationship? How to you negotiate in a relationship where the domination (at least in one aspect of life: sex) by one party is one of the components of the attraction in the first place, and is an integral part of the relationship? How to you balance "equality" and domination in the same relationship - it sure doesn't feel like there's a switch that can be turned on and off when interactions shift from the bedroom to the street. Is this just my own anxiety about submitting and giving up power on any level? Jesus, I feel like I'm coming out of the closet all over again, and that's not an experience I enjoyed or care to experience again. Self-discovery is fine, but I could use a few less "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" this time around. A little practical observation about life/shared experience would be MUCH appreciated as I grapple with the balance of exploring the hitherto darker recesses my sexual identity against the by-product of now having to lie in my bed. <<sigh>> I hate this.......... Hello and sorry you are feeling so badly. The highlighted areas above scare the crap out of me......(sorry for the language its early and i have yet to have my juice) You have set boundaries and they are being crossed, already something that would make me question, may even send up a red flag to me. It is just as important for you to be comfortable in this relationship as it is for your dom to be. If the Dom is losing control and bursting in anger, how will you ever feel comfortable? Please feel my arms around you as feeling this badly is not good for you.....i know that i do not have any "smart advice" and am fairly new to things myself, but if i felt the way you are feeling, i would question the relationship enough to sit him/her down for a very serious talk........and no it probably would not be a respectful one. i wish you happiness and health always, myst

BillsGalSusan -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 7:10:54 AM)
You deserve better. We all do. Another Susan

dsalphabunny -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 7:53:24 AM)
there is a lot of good advice here, i hope that some of it helps. other then that all i can say is i'm sorry. relationships of anykind take a lot of work and communication. maybe it will help if you look at it from the view of 'if i didn't consider Him my Dom, if it were a vanilla relationship, would i put up with this?" someone moving to take over parts of my life where they aren't welcome is an invitation for me to walk out the door. it goes all the way back to when i was young and the guys i knew all seemed to think that cuz they took me to dinner and a movie that not only should i sleep with them but i should do their laundry too. s nine months is a lot of time invested, but... isn't usually about now that the kid gloves come off and you start to see the true Them? bunny

agirl -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 8:58:24 AM)
Hello just2cute2care, There are a few things that spoke to me, in your post. One is the flashes of anger and rage. ..Well, ok....If I'm inspiring that in someone, they are NOT compatable with me. Doesn't have to be their fault, my fault..... just a personality thing. I do not want to be, or participate in a relationship where I have the POWER to inspire negative things like that. You have an awful lot of power if you can make someone angry. There's a limit and difference in the TYPE of sado-masochistic qualities that people enjoy or BENEFIT from in a relationship. You asked for shared experiences ...... so here goes... Being told * It's your fault I'm angry because....* is the type of behaviour that I have experienced......but NEVER with my Master. THAT is almost the entire reason that I chose him AND this type of PE relationship. Even though I'm a slave ....my Master will still say ..* What is happening on Thursday?.....He doesn't disregard my responsibilities, he JOINS me in dealing with them....so that maybe Thursday CAN be free..... and we can BOTH be happy. It is NOT something you need to expect* from a D/s relationship .........but it IS something that you may GET from ANY type of relationship. You mentioned negotiation in the type of PE relationship you have .........well, basically...it has to fit BOTH of you.....both of you has to be happy OVERALL with the amount and type of power you're exchanging..... and WHY. I may be very wrong........but this feels like domineering not domination. This feels like size ten boots stomping over your life and space. This feels like you, your ideas, your thoughts, your sensitivities do not matter that much. Regards, agirl

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 12:58:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse I think you maybe have some talking to do with your Domme because it looks like you and her maybe not viewing the relationship the same way. Is your discomfort actualy with the level of control or with the fact that it isn't what was expected? Since I know both these men, (just2cute2care is a longtime, close, real-time friend of mine), I think Raven that you have hit upon the first action 2cute needs to make. His dom is a lovely man, and although I don't know him well yet, I suspect his intentions are to take care of 2cute. The Dom, in this relationship, lets call him M., is used to helping his less-than-strong partners and 2cute, unlike M's past partners, is not needing help, just partnership. I think that M. needs to get very clear that there will be more equality in this relationship, and 2cute will have to lay down those boundaries. Thanks for the input Raven, (and everyone else), your responses are certianly food for thought for 2cute.

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 1:06:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse "It is your fault I got angry because..." OK this is the one where no matter how I look at it, your dom looks in the wrong. I am responcible for my own anger, I don't unleash it on my girl and then try to pass off the blaim.... Like you, Raven, this is the major issue that concerns me. I think M. is getting angry out of frustration that 2cute is not following directions and therefore not letting M. help or fix him. What M. needs to do is to decide if he is happy in a relationship where he is not the healthy one helping the weaker one. I know 2cute won't play helpless for him, and nor should he. They need to work out where D/s ends and codependancy begins.

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: domination, boundaries, and respect (7/26/2006 1:21:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sharainks There isn't anything "wrong" with not wanting someone else to control more in your life than you want them to. Its just a limit that you have stated and she isn't abiding by. This is an excellent point. I think part of the issue is that 2cute is still so new to this that he is still working out how much control is appropriate for him. Except for the anger issue, I don't think it's how his dom, M., is taking control but that he is assuming more control than 2cute is comfortable with. 2cute sees it as stepping over the line to co-dependency, and needs to talk to M., about this. Since I know these two men personally, I also know that they have both undergone major life changes. (Moving to another country and starting new jobs around the same time they met. Huge life changes!) I think there is a lot of stress factoring in, and a definite need to find their place in their new lives. Lots of communication is desperately needed here.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

4.785156E-02