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Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 4:01:03 PM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		The thread on safewords prompted this post.  So many times on here or other online bdsm pages I see ideas that seem to suggest that anything other than full blown TPE M/s relationships are somehow "less" and those who are not interested in such relationships are somehow missing something, lacking something, at any rate are "less" than those in those relationships.

The flip side we do get posters who uphold everyone's right to make those choices for themselves.  I've always seen this as kind of a banquet of choices.  You can choose chicken or beef or fish and none is less than the other simply what that person prefers at that time. 

It seems more important to me to be true to who you are than to accept some notion that somehow some choices are not as valid as others.

opinions and flames welcome

< Message edited by sharainks -- 7/21/2006 4:29:25 PM >
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 4:09:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

.

It seems more important to me to be true to who you are than to accept some notion that somehow some choices are not as valid as others.

opinions and flames welcome


No flame, just agreeing. I do adamently argue my view regardless of the fact that someone else's view or intrepretation doesn't matter to me. For one they may argue their point in such a way as to illuminate something I missed. But on the big questions, I am going to trust my Dom to guide me.

At the end of the day the people that post here aren't going to do BDSM with me  so I had better be sure of the one I am doing it with and feel comfortable within our dynamic.

What I have noticed is a lot of people thinking that if you do not do it their way then you are doing it wrong. It almost becomes like a prophecy on high, "I hope you don't have <insert bad outcome here> happen to you, when the person in question is very comfortable with their choices.

To each their own though

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 4:19:21 PM   
KennelDeSade2


Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline 		I call it the Porche effect.  Everybody claims thay want one, but overlook the fact that a real race ready sports car is brutal to drive on a daily basis.  Unless, you love it, then nothing else will do.  But, those without experience, still claim that is what they really want.

_____________________________

Rules? Just one: I say, she does.
Everything else, is just details.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 4:51:56 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		Since learning who I am as a submissive and finding messages boards like Collar Me and others where there are lots of people not like me, I have learned to be who I am with my kink and to let others be who they are in theirs. I really don't care what anyone thinks about me and what I do and I expect others to feel that way about themselves. I do think we should treat one another with respect and if we don't agree then let it go and move on to what we do agree about.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 5:02:17 PM   
deltadawn


Posts: 224
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		What is best is we all live in a way that makes us happy and fulfilled.  Some D/s, no D/s..some BDSM play, no BDSM play....some with life time commitments, others who just want to play, and everyone in between.

Just be who you are, we will be who we are, and not a soul should question it.  If they do......their problem!!

dawn

_____________________________

Beneath his wings, I can fly.

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 7:17:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The bdsm culture is what is it- there are a million ways people try to establish heirarchy and make themselves feel more special than others.  A common ploy doms will play on novice subs to get their attention is to talk about how their "true nature" is so "much more" than just a sub or slave or whatever.  Yes, people do believe that slaves are "more than" submissives are "more than" bottoms and pretty much everyone is better than a switch.

The reality of course is that we're all just doing what we're doing and what matters is that we are true to ourselves.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 7:26:16 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

So many times on here or other online bdsm pages I see ideas that seem to suggest that anything other than full blown TPE M/s relationships are somehow "less" and those who are not interested in such relationships are somehow missing something, lacking something, at any rate are "less" than those in those relationships.


Thank you for addressing this.  This is a huge peeve of mine.  People making judgments about others' relationships.  The assumption that having a non 24/7 or a long distance relationship somehow lessens what it is we do.  Nonsense.  People need to find involvements that work for them.  I know people who have read so much about 24/7 that they can't seem to wrap their mind around a D/s relationship that is not 24/7, that somehow it's not *real* or they question how it can be done.  And this is good thinking:
quote:

It seems more important to me to be true to who you are than to accept some notion that somehow some choices are not as valid as others.




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 8:46:12 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I give this topic a lot of thought in my search for a partner.  I've been an owner, as in Master of slaves (one at a time, thanks), and I've been a dominant to submissives.  I have found the Master/slave dynamic quite interesting, but in its way no better or worse than a dom/sub relationship.

I've played with a lot of different toys, and have tried lots of different things, some harsher or more painful or more this or more that.  And all for good reason, as I've been a practicing (almost continuously) member of this community for 15 years.

Having said all of that, as I find myself looking for a partner, none of that seems to matter.  It doesn't really matter to me if she views herself as submissive or slave, or whether she likes certain types of activities or toys, or not.  For me, compatibility with the person in what I am looking for (and sure, some level of kink) is what is paramount for me.  I go through days even thinking I might change orientation if the right woman were to come along (which some people find makes no sense, but perfect sense to me).

The bottom line relative to your post is that we who have these interests are individuals, with the things we like and the things we don't care for.  We might alter our feelings about certain activities after we experience them, and we might become addicted to them or not.  It doesn't really matter.  Swinging a longer or heavier whip doesn't make an individual more special.  Although in a group setting one can sense competition between dominants and submissives, these aren't games to find winners and losers.  We are who we are individually, and we find our own path.  I've been on mine.  I want to help another with theirs, with their interests and eventual growth.

Is that so wrong?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:04:19 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I have always said neither is better, and it's not a competition.  There will always be those who judge, in either direction.  There will also be those who receive non-judgmental statements as judgements.  Written communication is imperfect like that. Personally I think being true to yourself and finding a relationship that you are at home is is "best." Be it vanilla, kink-only, D/s or M/s or anything else for that matter. Who am I to say what kind of relationship someone else should have, after all?  There may be opinions or statements written that I do not agree with for myself, but that doesn't mean it is not the truth for the person who posted it.

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:14:50 PM   
fyrekittyn


Posts: 282
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: Memphis, TN
Status: offline 		I am a firm believer in being true to myself. That is what I consider more important than anything. If you cannot be true to yourself, you shouldn't be doing whatever it is. I firmly believe there is room in this lifestyle for those that like TPE, those that like occasional play, and everything in between.

_____________________________

Whip me, spank me, beat me, fuck me, all if it and more!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, come on now. You can hit harder! *THWACK* OW! BASTARD! See, I was right!
~~~~~~~~~~~
fyrekittyn - the sweet, innocent, angelic, virgin princess!

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:19:29 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

The bdsm culture is what is it- there are a million ways people try to establish heirarchy and make themselves feel more special than others.

It's not just BDSM -- it happens in any subgroup. Folks are gonna find ways to award themselves psychological "merit badges" for being more hard core than someone else.

For example, I really enjoy cycling. Some folks I ride with tried talking me into joining them for the Mt. Washington hill climb in NH. Top pro cyclists can do it in about 50 minutes; it takes really fit amateurs another half hour. I flat out refuse to even try it because it just sounds like subjecting myself to driving 6 hours each way so I can suffer for 2 hours trying to get up, and for what? The only objective I can see is to be able to say I did it. My pals may think my refusal to do it makes me less of a hard core cyclist, but as far as I'm concerned it only makes me less of an idiot.

So anyway, I get suspicious of folks who seem seem so motivated by bragging rights. Perhaps they really enjoy doing such stuff, but I wonder if they really know what they do enjoy. Doesn't matter whether we're talking about BDSM, cycling, or other past times -- there will be some fanatics who seek the extremes; only they know if they truly enjoy it or they are just after merit badges.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 7/21/2006 9:22:15 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:33:18 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
There will also be those who receive non-judgmental statements as judgements. 


Yes there will be. And this is often times the core of the conflict. I find that if you stand up for your own personal view or way of doing things, it almost never fails that someone will be offended by it or take it as though you are personally directing it at them and expecting them to do it your way. And it doesn't matter how many disclaimers you throw in for good measure.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:33:52 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		As long as all parties are happy, what difference does it make what form of bdsm they practice? top/bottom, master/slave, dom/sub. Gorean, online, 24/7, sadist/masochist, whatever, are all just different ways of fulfilling needs, one is not a higher level than another as far as i am concerned.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:40:11 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

People need to find involvements that work for them. 



Can't be said any better than this!!!!!!!

(in reply to KatyLied)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:42:41 PM   
Owned1


Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline 		Great question and topic!  i have found what works for me and luckily for me it also works for Him.  We go to public events and see a varity of kinky people,  honestly they are all different, what a surprise!!  Is that to say they are better than Us or are We better than them?  Neither is true, we are all individuals with a similar like--Kink.  i think it is the same as your kink is not mine.  Everyone has different kinks, what turns their cranks.  As was said it is best to find one who is compatible with you as an individual, ensuring you find them in a kink aware forum helps as you know there is a greater possiblity of having that in common as well.

i am not any better than anyone, simply different.  If you are able to find one who is compatible, with similar Kinky desires even better.

owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to proudsub)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 9:46:41 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
There will also be those who receive non-judgmental statements as judgements. 


Yes there will be. And this is often times the core of the conflict. I find that if you stand up for your own personal view or way of doing things, it almost never fails that someone will be offended by it or take it as though you are personally directing it at them and expecting them to do it your way. And it doesn't matter how many disclaimers you throw in for good measure.

Very true, but there is also the art of conversation which looks at the delivery of what is said.  One can say, "Don't take this personally, but I think anyone with your opinion is stupid." and you can pretty much guarantee the higher odds of that person taking it personally.  Years ago through a work training course, a bunch of us went to a seminar on the different styles of communicating.  We all found it interesting that you can tell 5 people the exact same thing in the exact same way and some might take it very differently than others.  The ultimate point of the seminar was to teach us the value of speaking to your audience in such a way that the audience understands.  Mind you, that's really difficult to do when you have a large audience who all receive messages differently! 

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 10:31:30 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

The thread on safewords prompted this post.  So many times on here or other online bdsm pages I see ideas that seem to suggest that anything other than full blown TPE M/s relationships are somehow "less" and those who are not interested in such relationships are somehow missing something, lacking something, at any rate are "less" than those in those relationships.

The flip side we do get posters who uphold everyone's right to make those choices for themselves.  I've always seen this as kind of a banquet of choices.  You can choose chicken or beef or fish and none is less than the other simply what that person prefers at that time. 

It seems more important to me to be true to who you are than to accept some notion that somehow some choices are not as valid as others.

opinions and flames welcome


I personally do not see one end of the gamut to the other as better or worse (to each his own), though I will—when the mood so strikes me—insist on reserving the right of pointing out bad theory when I see it, even if that means I am painted as a smarmy, narcissistic contrarian. Tolerance, inclusion and the doctrine of relativism are worthy instruments in one's arsenal of cognitive dexterity, but there does arrive a point where such tenets, if pursued with excess heady fervor, conspire to distort the founding structure and truth of a thing. Mainly my disputations arise from this single weed. So if you see me make what at first glance appears to be a fetish out of certain words, or virulently defend an idea or way of life, kindly allow this poor but gentlemanly fool to say his piece in the banquet of choices.

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 10:36:14 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'll put it this way.

If someone has a kink for letting alligators eat thier feet.............I'll be all kinds of tolerant.

Please do,the gene pool can use an ocasional vaccuming out.

(in reply to amayos)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 10:39:24 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		hey amayos: I think you can say whatever you want. Personally, I like reading it, because it's always so well written (which counts for something I think, whether one is just expressing one's thoughts or trying to get some people to Awaken! already, to some idea). I know what you meant, and I agree.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to amayos)
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RE: Is more better? Even if its not you? - 7/21/2006 10:49:28 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

hey amayos: I think you can say whatever you want. Personally, I like reading it, because it's always so well written (which counts for something I think, whether one is just expressing one's thoughts or trying to get some people to Awaken! already, to some idea). I know what you meant, and I agree.

- Susan


Thank you, Susan. It's good to know my words are not lost to the void entirely, even though that would not keep me from writing them if they were.

(in reply to SusanofO)
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