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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 11:27:15 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		fast reply

Look not at only what you may lose, but what you may gain. They have to be weighed to come to a decision about whether or not to take a risk intelligently. In my view you have far more to gain than to lose as your friendship will evolve and become something different without a sexual or intimate relationship aspect.. all our relationships grow and change over time... Good luck to you Erin.

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 11:33:23 AM   
ShiftedJewel


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Joined: 12/2/2004
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quote:

just teach me how to shut off this rationalizing brain I've got....snip... I know that's irrational but knowing it doesn't make it go away.


I think you know how... you just refuse to do it. You are the "worst case scenerio girl"....  Here's a couple of ideas... one... tell it to shut the fuck up and go live life. Or ... two... (and you knew this was coming) sit there and rationalize till you're old and gray then wake up one morning and say to yourself... damnit... how could I have wasted all this time?
 
There are too many people in this world that live for the "but something could go wrong" bullshit. Well, tomorrow I could walk a few blocks and get hit by a train (it's feasible... nothing is more then a few blocks away here) but today... I am LIVING. My goodness girl, you have faced death a few times... didn't it teach you anything?? Live life NOW... later isn't guaranteed. I know getting your heart broke hurts like hell, been there done that too many times... and you know what I learned? I learned that it doesn't stay broken. Besides, growing old alone and full of regrets isn't exactly a bed of roses either. So stop making excuses.. you've heard some great advice on this thread... listen to it.

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 11:37:22 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Erin,

First off, I wasn't looking for good or bad, simply patterns.

You "seem" to jump from one relationship to the next.  These men have been around you for how long and yet you didn't make relationships with them before, why now?

I sympathize because I am in a similar place and am actually considering stopping dating/playing for a while, at least on some level.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 12:11:51 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmmmm.....can't wait to hear what Level has to say about that!

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 12:53:32 PM   
TNstepsout


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Joined: 8/3/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

No I don't believe that either of those things would come to pass. It would be different in the respect that the dynamic that motivates us would be far different than it is now and the commitments to one another and the expectations we have of each other would come from a different place.


I think that would only happen if you fail to discuss your expectations and know that you're both on the same page with them. If you percieve a relationship one way, and he another, it could be a problem, but if you both talk about it and agree I don't see why it would. It seems to me you have all the most important things covered. The only thing left is the level of committment and expectation. If you've already found a comfortable level of committment to him as a friend, it doesn't really have to change unless both of you want it to. A relationship can be as intense or casual as you want it to be.

I guess that's just a really wordy way to say that a person doesn't have to stop being a friend when he becomes a lover. He's both and it seems to me that's the best of both worlds.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 1:06:45 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Gosh Jewel you make it sound like I'm sitting here wasting away...lol. Just because I'm not partnered doesn't mean I'm not living life. I get out on a real regular basis and just plain have fun...and I'd say that is an accomplishment considering my current medical status. If I was really the "worst case scenario girl" I wouldn't be in the health I'm in now. Actually, if you really look at the big picture I would say that I've lived more life than most ever dream of and taken more risks than the next five people in line. But I'm older now and I have learned a few things along the way...and risks involving my heart I give more consideration to these days.

Anyway....gosh I started this thread over a thought I got from reading another one....not because I am at some pivotal point in life and need to make a decision...or am even heavily contemplating one. As I said on the other thread, the biggest reason I am not hell bent for a relationship at this point is that it is simply not a good time in my life to be in one. Considering the fact that I spent at least some portion of each of the last 7 days in either a hospital emergency room or a doctor's office....I'd have to say that drives that point home. The fact that sex of any kind isn't something that I am even allowed to think much about for at least a few more months only serves to reassure me that I'm right. For the very first time in my life the most important person I am trying to take care of is me.

When all of this is behind me will I be ready to get more involved...be it with one of my friends or someone else? I think that is a very likely possibility. I'm not one of those who would enjoy being alone forever. But I really am ok for now just how it is. I am blessed with some really great friends ya know . And right now I can be the one who decides how much of myself I can give depending on how well I feel on any particular day. Believe it or not, loveable as I am there have been days during the course of this illness where I haven't exactly been as much fun to be around as a barrel of monkeys...lol.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/14/2006 1:10:02 PM >

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 1:09:31 PM   
mistoferin


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Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
I guess that's just a really wordy way to say that a person doesn't have to stop being a friend when he becomes a lover. He's both and it seems to me that's the best of both worlds.


I think on this...you are absolutely right. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that I didn't consider to be my best friend also.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 4:22:51 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Erin, I never said you were wasting away... but I know that you have been thinking about this for a very long time. And honestly, with all that you've been through, I think you're amazing... but I also think you "logic" yourself out of too many good things.
 
Jewel

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 4:36:36 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		Erin, we have talked about this before and I do actually understand your concerns. By the same token, as Shifted stated, we (her & I) partnered up with our best friend and I can honestly say I have never been happier. In the end, you ultimately have to be the one to make the decision, but as good as you are at making decisions for the rest of the world, making them for you personally does tend to make you apprehensive (so I seem to have noticed anyway..lol). I think you should discuss it with your potentials, and get their input on it. It could be that everyone involved is just sticking their toe in the water, yet knowing deep down they would like to go for a swim, or maybe they are also afraid of the water. Perhaps just a reality check to see if the water is fine, might be a good starting point. Just a thought.

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(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 4:44:25 PM   
WyrdRich


Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline 		    I'll just tell a little story from my personal experience and let you take from it what you will.

    I was once terrific friends with a couple, babysat their kids,  rented a room from them for a few months, all that good stuff.  He started developing some psychological problems and she left him when he became abusive and wouldn't seek help.  We'd gotten very close during the time when his slide began and when she walked out, she moved in with me.  On the couch to begin with, but very quickly we decided 'what the hell' and went for it.

    Long story short, it didn't work and she moved out.  About a month later, she showed up at my place with beer one night and we tried again.  Didn't work.  We came together and split up horribly a total of six times.  We did AWFUL things top each other in those break-ups.  The last one involved me telling her to get the hell out at 2 am with 8 inches of snow on the ground.

       The final try was over 10 years ago and she and I are still the best of friends.  We see each other rarely because of distance but talk on the phone and still finish each others sentences.  Our explanation to others is that we know each other too well, but my opinion is that we are simply meant to be friends and nothing can break that.

    

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:54:50 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Erin, I never said you were wasting away... but I know that you have been thinking about this for a very long time. And honestly, with all that you've been through, I think you're amazing... but I also think you "logic" yourself out of too many good things.
 
Jewel


But don't you just love all the "told you so" opportunities I give ya??? Now If I could only logic myself away from Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream..........

edited to add a note to Scooter....the doc said NO "swimming" for a few more months! I feel kind of sorry for the first BODY of water I see when I finally get the green light though....lol.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/14/2006 8:57:23 PM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:59:53 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you Rich, it's good to see that friendships can weather some rough seas....I'm glad that you and your friend have remained close. I would hope that if I ever did get together with one of mine and things didn't work out...that we too would always be able to still share that bond and be there for one another.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to WyrdRich)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/15/2006 3:38:36 AM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Erin, I never said you were wasting away... but I know that you have been thinking about this for a very long time. And honestly, with all that you've been through, I think you're amazing... but I also think you "logic" yourself out of too many good things.
 
Jewel


But don't you just love all the "told you so" opportunities I give ya??? Now If I could only logic myself away from Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream..........

edited to add a note to Scooter....the doc said NO "swimming" for a few more months! I feel kind of sorry for the first BODY of water I see when I finally get the green light though....lol.
I'll remember to shout, "SURFS UP", so no one is caught off guard...roflmao.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/15/2006 3:52:13 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Erin, I don't have much to add (so I should prolly just shut up, right), but   I look at it this way.  My Dom and I didn't know each other before we entered this relationship, yet we have rapidly become friends.  So now I am in a relationship with a very dear friend.  Works for us.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/15/2006 5:04:48 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash
I'll remember to shout, "SURFS UP", so no one is caught off guard...roflmao.


Hmmmm....I'm thinking a Lifeguard might be a good idea too!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/15/2006 5:23:30 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I know that frustration. Not withstanding that there are only (on CM) two uncollared slaves oriented toward the Gorean Life stle im Queesnland and neither are prepared or able to relocate. I've been bitten with my last relationship going belly up in an unpleasant manner as did Neets's, I firmly believe that it is better to have an empty collar than one filled with the wrong person.. (refer to my blog and the poem "He Sits Fingering An Empty Collar"). 

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Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 36
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