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Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 7:34:15 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Inspired by KoM's thread on pressure to find a partner....

Have you ever had a friend in your life that you thought would be a great partner...but your friendship was so wonderful that you weren't willing to risk losing it for the chance of having a relationship with them?

I have two such people in my life. Both are Dominants. We have had long and in depth discussions about getting more involved with each other, but the thought of losing the friendships is greater than the desire to take that chance.

My one friend and I have an amazing connection. He lives a few hours away but we make time to see each other a few times a month. He frequently comes and stays for weekends. If I think of him the phone will ring...and vice versa. We finish each other's sentences. We have many of the same views on life and many of the same things that we value. We enjoy each other's company and he is the kind of friend where silences are never an uncomfortable thing. We have been friends for a good number of years now and we have talked on more than a few occasions of the possibility of more....but neither of us is willing to risk it.

My other friend is in my life on a very constant basis. Many people assume that we are a couple. We are at each other's homes at least 3 to 5 times a week. He lets me get my submissive "fix" if you will. He knows how much I enjoy service...and he is more than happy to let me fix dinner for him most nights...or clean his house, run errands for him or help with paperwork and such. He helps me out a great deal too. He helps me to keep my car maintained, helps me with my yard work, home repairs...help with the dogs. We just enjoy the heck out of being around each other...trips to the country, sitting by a bonfire or just watching movies. We too, have talked many times about the possibility of more....but in the end we always come to the same place....what if we risked it and got more involved...and it didn't work out....would we lose what we have as friends?

Now I don't think that either of these men would ever be an enemy if we did risk it and failed. I'm not like that and I know they aren't either. We would most likely remain friends for the duration. But the thought of the friendship being somehow changed is the scary part.





_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 7:48:35 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Erin, I've told you before and I'll say it again... Life isn't about not taking chances and risks. You pays your money and takes your chances. If the friendship wouldn't end then tell me what the risk is? That you may find happiness? Scooter is my best friend in the whole world and I love the fact that we can be best friends as well as husband and wife. What exactly do you think a good relationship starts with? Aren't you supposed to be friends?
 
Do what makes you happy.. you know what that is... now all you have to do is sum up the guts to go for it. If it fails (which I doubt, you are tooooo damned lovable) then you still have your friendship, but at least you tried.
 
But then again, you knew I was gonna say that, didn't you?
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:07:51 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
But then again, you knew I was gonna say that, didn't you?


With the utmost respect.....shhhhhhh.......lol.

Ah if I could only possess just one ounce of your impulsiveness. Yes, I knew what you would say....just teach me how to shut off this rationalizing brain I've got....or give me a lobotomy....whichever you think will be most effective.

Loveable I may indeed be...but I'm also frustrating as shit are I not????? (Ya know there have been times ya just wanna choke me!!!....trust me, there are times I wanna choke myself!)


_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:17:47 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Jewel.  What is life if not for taking risks?  Where is the excitement?  This is not like the two of you are strangers and you are taking a risk getting killed or something.
Think about it, we are ten year's down the line and you still have these two in tow, would'nt it have been nice to have shared your bed with the love of your life the last ten years?
Worse yet, one of them dies.  Will you have regrets? 

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:21:29 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		To put this rather crudely, it's amazing just how much the expectations of a 'friend' change as soon as you stick your cock in one.

I wonder why they immediately seem to think they "own" a person when that happens. It's only sex. Not a freaking paid title.

< Message edited by Caretakr -- 7/14/2006 8:22:04 AM >

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:23:47 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Erin,

I would sit back and look at the patterns in the relationships you chose to make sexual.  Why those men?  Why did they fail?

Then look at these two and others and decide what about them makes you not see them as sexual partners.

It could be something along the line of you pick jerks and since these guys are nice, you don't see them as partners.

It could be that you pick jerks but these guys don't make you wet so the sexual side wouldn't work

It could be you pick fine partners but don't see something in these two that ignite the spark.

It is probably something that I have no way of knowing but to me this screams of an upcoming "growth opportunity" for you on some level.  Step back and look at this.  You have two men who you love spending time with and are clearly compatible on some level with.  Do the partners you pick have the same or different qualities?  If not, why not?  I could go on and on but I think this is one you need to think about and if you have some dear friends who you could ask for their honest assessment of you, your lovers, and your friends you might be in for some interesting and rewarding surprises.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:28:14 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Erin, just go for it! You will never know until you try, you may fall off the horse reaching for the brass ring or you may catch it and win the prize, but if you never try you will only sit on the horse getting saddle sore. 

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:33:21 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: twicehappy
Erin, just go for it! You will never know until you try, you may fall off the horse reaching for the brass ring or you may catch it and win the prize, but if you never try you will only sit on the horse getting saddle sore. 


Well of course I know you're right....maybe it's just that part of me knows just how bad that fall hurts and I'm really scared to ever hurt that bad again. I know that's irrational but knowing it doesn't make it go away.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to twicehappy)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:45:14 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		I've only got good female friends after the lust has burnt out. All the other females are potential lovers.

It's the animal in me. It doesn't work any other way.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:51:54 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		I waited 11 (yes 11!!!!) years after my divorce to get involved with anyone more than a friend or "play partner".  Never the twain should meet.  Wasn't willing to risk my friendships, regardless of how hard they hinted, nor was I going to allow my "play " interests into my heart.  Screw the person who said it was better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

Nope, *I* wasn't stupid enough to get hurt again!  LOL!  So here I am 12 1/2 years later, with my Dom, my friend, my lover.  Take the jump.  Decide which one attracts you romantically and sexually as well as being a friend and go for it.  If neither excites you in this way, well, I suggest you stay friends.  I have male friends I'd never contemplate having sex with too. 

And if you (like me) are just protecting yourself from ever getting hurt again, remember how much you are cutting yourself off from.  Really, really remember.  Now, do you want this for the rest of your life?



_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:52:32 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		CD....I know you're right too.

None of the men in my life have been what I would consider to be jerks. My last Master became what some may consider that to be...but it was much more of adopting a way of acting than who he really is.

My first relationship ended because we met when I was only 15, he was 38. We were together 3 years. He ended it because he felt it was important that I find someone closer to my own age to live my life out with. We are still dear friends to this day.

My second relationship was my marriage. We were together 11 years. We met and were together within three months of the breakup of my first relationship. We really had a very good marriage. It ultimately ended because we grew in different directions...each wanting something different out of life. He's a great guy and we too, still remain close friends.

My last relationship was by far the most intense of all of them. My ex Master and I got together shortly after the breakup of my marriage. I can not even begin to describe to you how intensely we loved each other for there are simply no words. He was a recovering alcoholic. For the first 8 years we were together he was completely sober. One day he made the mistake of thinking he had beat it and picked up a drink. For the next 3 years he and I battled his addiction...and unfortunately each other. I could not "fix" him...and he couldn't fix himself. Ultimately, his downward spiral led to an event that caused the State to offer him free room and board for the next 8 to 10 years. We will always be very good friends, although I must say that it is friendship with one condition. He will never be welcome drunk.

All of those men had many of the same qualities that I valued then and still do today. All of the men in my life have been Dominant. They have all contributed positively to my life...and I think that if they were to be asked...they would indeed say that I also contributed positively to theirs.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/14/2006 8:56:01 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:55:56 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin


Well of course I know you're right....maybe it's just that part of me knows just how bad that fall hurts and I'm really scared to ever hurt that bad again. I know that's irrational but knowing it doesn't make it go away.


That i do understand but if i ever let it stop me 99% of the things i enjoy most in life would become off limits to me. One of my  favorite dirt shirts says;

"I would rather race giving 100% and fall than be a spectator all my life"

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 8:56:43 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

My other friend is in my life on a very constant basis. Many people assume that we are a couple. We are at each other's homes at least 3 to 5 times a week. He lets me get my submissive "fix" if you will. He knows how much I enjoy service...and he is more than happy to let me fix dinner for him most nights...or clean his house, run errands for him or help with paperwork and such. He helps me out a great deal too. He helps me to keep my car maintained, helps me with my yard work, home repairs...help with the dogs. We just enjoy the heck out of being around each other...trips to the country, sitting by a bonfire or just watching movies. We too, have talked many times about the possibility of more....but in the end we always come to the same place....what if we risked it and got more involved...and it didn't work out....would we lose what we have as friends?


How is this different that what you would have if you were "more involved". Would he suddenly become an uncaring ass or would you suddenly resent cooking dinner?

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 9:14:41 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		Well, I can go a bit backwards on this one. My best friend WAS my partner for many years; we split recently. Yet, we are still the best of friends, still live in the same house together; we just don't interact on that level anymore.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 9:34:30 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam
[How is this different that what you would have if you were "more involved". Would he suddenly become an uncaring ass or would you suddenly resent cooking dinner?


No I don't believe that either of those things would come to pass. It would be different in the respect that the dynamic that motivates us would be far different than it is now and the commitments to one another and the expectations we have of each other would come from a different place.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 9:45:55 AM   
Kree


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		Erin
You are fortunate to have the two friends you mentioned in your life.  I would think they are fortunate, as well, to have you for a friend.  Something that came to me in reading the comments and your replies was the interaction of the three of you.  Could your dilemna be that choosing one might cause the other to be out of your life?  Even if you did choose one and things worked, would the loss of that other friend be more than you wish to risk?  Strange thinking perhaps on my part, but that was what came to me in reading this. 

< Message edited by Kree -- 7/14/2006 9:48:21 AM >

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Author of "Nytewhispers"

Power whispers, it has no reason to yell

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 9:59:54 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kree
Could your dilemna be that choosing one might cause the other to be out of your life? 


No, that is not even something I need to consider. I can not foresee any situation causing either one of them to no longer be a huge part of my life. Jealousy would not be an issue either. I have absolutely no room or tolerance in my life for jealousy...either in myself or in those who are close to me. If I were to choose either of them...I know that I would have the blessing and support of the other. This may sound odd but they have both actually had long and positive discussions with me about the possibility of being a partner to the other.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Kree)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 10:02:44 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		OK...so the real question here is:  Does either of these people make your knees quake and you tremble with delight at seeing them?  Could you imagine your life without him?  If neither one causes you butterflies in your stomach, its probably justt a friendship.

But, there always is...........   lol!


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 10:53:07 AM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		I always take the chance.  I was good friends with My last ex before we dated, and I am still good friends with her now.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

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RE: Not willing to risk it? - 7/14/2006 11:17:40 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Have you ever had a friend in your life that you thought would be a great partner...but your friendship was so wonderful that you weren't willing to risk losing it for the chance of having a relationship with them?

In the past I have, but I don't think so in the future.  I've learned how to navigate and flow in so many different types of relationships and how to throttle a relationship up and back that I'm not really scared anymore.  So if I felt a new spark forming between myself and a friend, as long as there were no other issues (like lack of time and energy), I'd be much more open and happy to see where it could grow.

Plus I've learned that trying to stifle or burst the flow of energy in a relationship NEVER really works.

However, I'd understand if someone said "OK these are my feelings, but I do not feel good acting upon them."  You should definitely be honest to your friend about your feelings and present state of mind- I think as a friend they would deserve the honesty.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
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