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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/13/2006 11:48:47 PM

Tikkiee

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Personally, for myself, I am not interested in a long-term-love-relationship. I am quite happy to go out once in awhile and play a bit with some that I know; then go home by myself

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/13/2006 11:51:42 PM

littlemissub

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The only pressure I feel to finding a partner is not feeling complete. My Mentor often tells me to be patient and not worry but I feel like I am missing out not having a Dom. I feel like I need my other half to be completely whole and happy.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/13/2006 11:57:49 PM

leakylee

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The pressure is so/so. Between family, friends, work, remodeling my house, I dont really have time for the "hot and heavy" I dont want children. I am still in that age range where some males expect those darlin's. (This is why I have nieces and nephews. I can give them back) About the only time that the pressure for the relationship hits, is when the strong desire to serve hits. The wanting to be all slavey, to just be owned and property again.

These blurps just get slammed back under the lid..hehe..

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 2:40:46 AM

LadiesBladewing

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Our experience is that a very Zen approach to the whole "partner-finding" thing is usually the best approach for us. We are present in places where the kinds of people we'd like to associate with are. We live our lives, doing the things we -need- to do, and the things we -want- to do, and, like a martial art, we use that "pressure" as its own release -- where pressure shows up, we bend like a reed, absorbing the energy instead of stiffening to it and becoming hard.

We had two incredible partners, whom we loved and cherished. The four of us were the core of one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had in a relationship. Two of our members have been gone now for longer than we had the joy of being together, and nobody has come into our lives to fill the place where they sat. We have no fear -- to be honest, we're not really even "looking"... everything changes, and we've met and spent time with some incredible people in the process of getting to where we are. We've changed, and been part of the energy that allowed others to change (or not). The older I get, the more I realize that -this-... this calm and peace with whatever happens ... is what it means to find heaven.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 3:20:33 AM

bandit25

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I loved this topic. I never felt a lot of pressure, but I was married and I have all the kids I want...lol. I feel very lucky to have found the perfect Dom for me, but I didn't feel any pressure.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 3:42:27 AM

feastie

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I used to feel pressure. After my divorce, I felt a lot of pressure to find someone new and start over. I felt and really still feel, that my marriage was a sham and a waste of time, other than Thing One and Thing Two. However, a couple of relationships later, with men who lied and cheated as much as my husband, has cured me of the feeling. I am happy as I am. It takes a lot to impress me these days. I'd take it, certainly, if it came along, but I'm not actively searching for it. I can grow old alone, though I really hate the thought. My Things deserve the best me that I can give them, and that's not a mom that is feeling lonely and depressed because she can't find a man that suits her.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 6:38:55 AM

mistoferin

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I can't honestly say that I feel much pressure. Maybe that is because I have been involved in 3 long term relationships since I was 15 and there was very little alone time in between them. This is the first time that I have been single really in my whole life...and to be honest, I'm rather enjoying it.

I know that eventually I will be in a relationship again...because I do still have that desire to be. But for right now I am happy. This may sound a bit crass but I have had several opportunities to be involved with someone on the live in relationship level in the last couple of years....and I am sure that with some effort it could have at least been "workable"...but for one reason or another it just didn't seem to be completely right, so I declined. I feel like at this point in life, I know myself certainly better than I ever have before, I know what I want out of life and out of a partner...and the things that I am not willing to forego. I don't think that my goals are unrealistic and I don't feel any pressure to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one if I have to lose sight of what I ultimately want in order to do so.

The other consideration that I have is that, quite frankly, I just simply do not have the time to devote to a relationship right now. Sure, if I felt that someone came into my life that was perfect for me....I'd certainly look to see if I could do some rearranging. But right now I am taking care of my folks...and I am still in the recovery process from my surgery and looking at another major surgery very soon. It would be unfair to any perspective partner to get involved and then expect them to have to wait out my timeline.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 7:19:11 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

I don't feel any pressure to find a mate. I'd like to have one but if it doesn't happen it doesn't. I am trying to put my self in a position to find someone that is more suited to what I desire in a mate though. With a small child that is proving a tad difficult hehe but such is life. Some of us are lucky and find Mr or Miss Right early in life. some of us find them later in life and some people try on alot of different models and never find the one that fits just right. Though I do sometimes wonder if those that never find the right one is it because they always think something better might come along

Thing is I like my life and my friends and myself. Having someone in my life would enhance it, but if i never find that supposed perfect "one" *S* then that's ok to.

Not hijacking the thread...just had to add this in: I know that for some, the reason they never find the right one is because even when he/she comes along, he/she finds that they will never find a time where they are the first priority in the seeker's life. And the seeker sees nothing wrong with that...which is why they keep seeking.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 7:28:36 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Not hijacking the thread...just had to add this in: I know that for some, the reason they never find the right one is because even when he/she comes along, he/she finds that they will never find a time where they are the first priority in the seeker's life. And the seeker sees nothing wrong with that...which is why they keep seeking.

I don't really consider this hijacking ... if it is...well... I going to hijack it as well.

I wonder if the pressure... or the desire to seek is actually neccessary to find that relationship. That pressure is like a motivation or drive to seek if you will. But, I think that too much pressure can actually cause people to get into relationships for the wrong reasons. I keep hearing that the best way to find a relationship is not to look.... but, I wonder do we tell that to people that are too pressured. Is as you say if you not motivated to seek you just will not find! It seems to me it's a balancing act too much pressure could lead a person to wrong choices for a partner and not enough pressure just keeps a person alone.

just a few thoughts

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 8:17:06 AM

losttreasure

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Interesting... does compacency lead to stagnation? If one is not actively seeking a partner, open and motivated to the possibilities, will the status quo remain? Human beings are generally resistant to change... if one is content with things as they are, it's not hard to see where potentially rewarding relationships might be overlooked and bypassed simply because the incentive to make the effort needed is lacking.

I don't know... at least for me, I consider that kind of relationship far too important to leave it up to chance and just wait for something to drop into my lap.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 8:51:14 AM

MistressLorelei

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I don't have a clock that is ticking... I have a child. I was married for many years, and have no desire to do it again, unless someone really special comes along. I am content with my life and those who are in it, but it would be nice to have the comfort of knowing that my soul mate who will be with always, is beside me (or at my feet). I don't feel pressured, but I can't help but wonder every once in a while, if the right person is out there... and if our worlds will collide.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 9:03:48 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

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I suppose in a manner of speaking the lack of motivation could be a deciding factor. Part of that, though, would depend on where the lack of motivation sprang from. Is it a product of frustration at failure - ie giving up? Or is it contentment that led to a desire to maintain the status quo? While both of them may ultimately lead in the same direction (passing up a potentially fantastic relationship with Mr/Ms Wonderful) - I can see where each would lead to completely different attitudes concerning remaining open to potential IF something Did happen to drop into our lap.

I'm like Erin in some respects. For years I was never really "out" of relationships that were (or at least were supposed to be) long term. Looking back, it was a bit like a perpetual rebound cycle with no time between one and the next to really recouperate and get back to a completely neutral point. The longest I was ever Single And Dating during that 18 year period was for a couple of months at a time. I specified "and dating" because I spent a 2 year period in there where I refused to date - I didn't want anything to do with humanity, male or female, that wasn't directly related to me by blood, and I didn't particularly want to deal with THEM, either, if I didn't absolutely have to. This is pretty much the first time in my life since I was 17 and entered my first ds relationship that I have been Single - and dating - intentionally, by choice, and without the specific intent of "replacement" for the previous relationship. I'm enjoying the hell out of it, since I'm finally getting to do some of the "stuff" that I missed out on while I was younger. Once I get some of the second childhood out of my system, catching up with myself, I may decide that it's time to consider settling in and making commitments again. I don't know. I won't know until I get this need to experience things from a fresh perspective out of my system a bit.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 9:06:23 AM

Quivver

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I'm familiar with that pressure, but of late realized I can be very comfortable on my own doing what needs to be done for me and mine. I'm often viewed as too Dominant for most men, yet I know inside just how submissive I truly am when the chemistry is right. Sexual submission isnt the driving factor, that parts easy to fill if and or when required. I cant say when the driving desire to find ~the one~ left me. Possibly when I realized just how much of a mess my life was and felt veiwed as a libality which in turn snowballs into something that needs resuce. I'm out to rescue myself first then possibly find something long term.

Q

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 10:13:51 AM

Kree

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When one feels pressure to find a partner, they will not necessarily make their wisest choice. When people learn to love themselves and appreciate who they are, that aura will atract others far more than the aura that surrounds someone under pressure. Love yourself... then love will find you.

I have said this on this forum before, but will repeat it because it fits. One is never as alone as when they are with the wrong person.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 10:49:56 AM

LaTigresse

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I just don't feel any pressure at all. If it happens great, if not I am quite certain I will survive it.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 10:59:41 AM

SirKenin

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I have what I believe to be a controversial opinion on the topic. I believe that if you experience a "pressure" to find a mate then there is something wrong with you. Either you are needy, codependent, insecure or whatever.

The trick to relatipnships, which so many people miss in their quest to find a partner, is that you need to be able to live with yourself first. You need to be completely comfortable being alone. You need to be able to sit back, enjoy life and wait for the right opportunity to come along, but most people can not do this. I just wait for them to come along and they always do. Sometimes more than one at a time in fact.

Soooo. If you feel "pressure" to find a relationship, it is My belief that it is time to realize that you have a problem and that some introspection is in order.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 11:14:22 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
But, I am wondering how do we deal with the pressures of finding a partner. What pressures do you think exist, how do people deal with it. I wish to appreciate better the pressures that people feel in finding a partner.

How most people deal with it is latching onto the first person who gives them any semblance of actual attention and compatibility with their dear life and holding on months or years beyond any true fulfillment is gained from the situation.

Especially for newbies into bdsm (most of whom today are still over 35, and have gone through their first wave of relationships with marriage and children) they feel they have found "the answer" and "that answer" is "Being in a relationship as a dom/sub."

Sadly, this answer is not really an answer at all. The only answer to being fulfilled in who you are is to find fulfillment within yourself. Ds is just another path to get there- you still have to do the work.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 12:11:28 PM

DivaZya

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Nope, no pressure - it's like finding the right pet -
I -could- just accept whatever stray that's around, or I can jiggle My friends and look many places for one I believe will suit Me better.
Worth the time and effort, but it's not a stress thing - more like karma.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 1:46:35 PM

littlesarbonn

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For me, there's a sense that people are more distant from each other than they have ever been. We have all of this technology designed to allow us to connect easier, but in reality it allows us to distance ourselves from each other and hide behind technology. Because of this, I find myself often wondering if I'll ever find anyone because it is so hard to show someone who never actually sees the real you that you are in fact real.

As a result, I find myself distancing myself from people as well because it seems to be the norm, and it's a lot easier than trying to maintain a communication apparatus when no one else is trying as well. This is why I find myself losing myself in my writing, becoming other people in online computer games and simulations, and generally knowing fewer and fewer people as each day goes by.

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RE: pressure to find a partner. - 7/14/2006 2:32:50 PM

MasterCurios

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time is always the enemy whether or not your searching for the one or searching for other things(retirement,phsyical abilities)and yes we all will make some mistakes when trying to correct those we seek..everything we do has 2 roads to take...some seem better upfront yet not so good in the long run.while others seem to good to be true or far fetched yet later on we kick ourselves for thinking so...life is a game of chance and the only way to win is to be happy with the choices you made or make and make the best of them...also it helps to anylize the past and see where you were wrong for that helps to bring the present even that much clearer...

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