iogikuma
Posts: 5
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline
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In my case, my long-term partner has been badly abused and traumatised in her past and as a result is virtually incapable of participating in any active way in her/our/my sexuality. All she can do (and does) is just lie there. The way she copes with her sexuality is not to acknowledge it - it's about seeing it in terms of it being forced upon her and hence she does not need to take responsibility for it. She has orgasms, but makes every effort to stay as quiet and motionless as possible - it's a denial that it's happening. She has great trouble coping with foreplay too - once again she doesn't want to be there and be involved.
Now you might say that she's being seriously submissive, and yes, she is, but that level of submission is NO fun. After all, you need 2 people there to play, and she's basically just not there while we are being intimate. I get zero feedback. In fact, it's making me feel bad, as it feels almost like rape, and that's not something I like or want to do. I know she recognises that there's a problem, and she feels bad about it, but that's the way things are.
So why am I telling you all this? Because faced with this in the long term, and not being willing to break up with her over what after all is not something that she can change, and is certainly not her fault, I have had to look at my options.
I need intimacy and sexuality. I can't get it with her, and I never will be able to. I also need D/s in my life. My first choice would be to have what I want and need with my life partner. If that were the case I would not be looking, as I'm basically a faithful and monogamous man. But Fate has decreed that it isn't going to happen with my partner, so all I can do is try to ignore my needs or seek a relationship outside my primary relationship.
The difference is that I don't see it as carte blanche to get out there and screw around. I have had several subs over the years, only ever one at a time, and they are always long-term liaisons. So I have always sought a liaison with just one woman apart from my partner. And it has to be the right woman. My last sub got married a couple of years ago and moved across the country. We still keep in touch and I have not found a suitable sub since that time. So I'm also fussy.
A couple of years ago my partner accidentally saw an email which contained an advert that I was sending to a local BDSM group. In it I had written that I was seeking a long-term D/s liaison with just one woman as I was unable to have that with my partner whom I love dearly. She raised the issue with me, and after a short discussion made it clear that she understood my need, understood that I was not seeking to break up our relationship (and in fact that I was doing this to keep our relationship) and told me that she did not want to know and did not want to come across such an email again. So that's where things stand now. She's not really happy about it, but she understands and accepts it. I keep things discreet, and it seems to be working out OK...
I guess that this story might be a bit different to a lot of others where someone might be bored, or "incompatible" with their partner etc., but in my case, it has really happened out of necessity as an alternative to being forced to go our separate ways.
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RE: How many of you are married and seek BDSM partners ... - 
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