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Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:38:46 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
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I've run into this for the ??th time. I'm a person who manages her life in a responsible manner and is used to coping with what life throws at me without asking for outside help.

Here's the thing, I've gotten comments along the lines of "oh there is something I can do for you."

Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her? IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

< Message edited by sharainks -- 7/10/2006 3:39:24 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:50:48 AM

ClassAct2006

Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Tell any man you need something whether it's the car fixed or to life some heavy cases and they immediately want you more, whether you're submissive or otherwise. I'm sure a lot of dominant men find vulnerability and weakness to some extent attractive in a submissive woman. Some of us have to root around to find any vulnerability to highlight. I thnk I'll limit mine to needing assistance when I'm walking in high heels though... On the other hand most sensible men want women whose lives function well and are competent at life so I wouldn't be concerned about it. Mine is managed fine although I always like some male advice but that's the kind of D/S dynamic I like.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 2

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:55:12 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I've always been the same way...coping with what life throws at me; however, I also know that no one is good at everything. Plus, I've also found it very helpful to be able to talk things over with my Dom. Of course, I feel that I am extremely lucky as He has great common sense, a logical mind and excellent advice. For example, He gave me some wonderful financial advice that I could have found out on my own...just didn't and probably wouldn't have. All doms are different...find one that you are compatible with,

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 3

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 5:14:58 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I agree with what's been said. But it would be nice to hear from Dominants, probably. Personally, when I seek a partner, I am hoping I don't experience much of this (you have my sympathy), although if I do I will keep right on seeking. I've been handling stuff alone for so long now and am so used to doing that, that I am thinking it might be a turn off for some folks. But that doesn't mean I want to handle everything myself; I'm just used to doing it. I definitely consider myself submissive.

There are areas of my life where I can imagine gladly "turning over the reigns" so to speak, to someone else or closely following advice given - but because I am used to handling things, there are areas I don't ask for advice about. Maybe I'll end up getting it anyway - who knows?

There is someone out there for you - keep looking.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 5:17:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 4

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 7:17:33 AM

MistressWolfen

Posts: 578
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks
Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her?
IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

Great questions sharainks; to address the "straighten out their life", no this is not something I seek, want or need. I feel that if a submissive (male or female) is of an age and life station that I would be considering them as a potential they will have acquired the sensibility and control to have their life on an even keel. This is not to say I would reject someone because, for example, their finances were out of control, but I would definitely invite them to get handle on them (offer advice if I could) and then after I had seen an improvement negotiate more seriously with them. If the "straightening out" that was needed was greatly emotional, I doubt I would be willing to become intimately or closely involved with the individual.

I suppose these are really moot points as I doubt very much I would be attracted to, or consider, an individual that lacked control of their life to such a degree as to need my "straightening out" of any depth or breadth of circumstances. So it is NOT a monkey wrench for me as I admire self sufficient, capable, holistically balanced people. I firmly believe that one can not exchange power if one does not have it (this applies to the submissive/slave as well). My thoughts; for what they are worth before the second cuppa coffee Monday mornin'

_____________________________

Quoth the raven

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 5

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 7:24:33 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

I've run into this for the ??th time. I'm a person who manages her life in a responsible manner and is used to coping with what life throws at me without asking for outside help.

Here's the thing, I've gotten comments along the lines of "oh there is something I can do for you."

Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her? IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

Not to throw a monkey wrench into the works ... or seeking a flame-job...I know that in D/s, things are negotiated to a great extent and dictionary definitions are 'adjusted', but if submission is "yielding control over one's will to another" and yet you do not wish to yield control of hardly any of your life to a dominant, what exactly is the submission taking place?

This question is not meant to be an insult. It is an honest question.
I prefer submissives who do not want me to micromanage their lives and I get that there are many large areas of their lives that they want/need no help from me in...but if there is nothing for me to control other than behavior within the very limited confines of our interactions with each other...what am I "accepting control of"?

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 6

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 7:30:30 AM

TxBadMan

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

I've run into this for the ??th time. I'm a person who manages her life in a responsible manner and is used to coping with what life throws at me without asking for outside help.

Here's the thing, I've gotten comments along the lines of "oh there is something I can do for you."

Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her? IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

Some do, some don't. Personally, I perfer that a girl know how to handle things in life by herself without constantly having to bring her troubles to me. It tells me that she's strong; emotionally and mentally.
I enjoy that they tell me when something is bothering them; but I perfer to let them handle it themselves.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 7

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 7:45:35 AM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

I've run into this for the ??th time. I'm a person who manages her life in a responsible manner and is used to coping with what life throws at me without asking for outside help.

Here's the thing, I've gotten comments along the lines of "oh there is something I can do for you."

Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her? IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

Not to throw a monkey wrench into the works ... or seeking a flame-job...I know that in D/s, things are negotiated to a great extent and dictionary definitions are 'adjusted', but if submission is "yielding control over one's will to another" and yet you do not wish to yield control of hardly any of your life to a dominant, what exactly is the submission taking place?

This question is not meant to be an insult. It is an honest question.
I prefer submissives who do not want me to micromanage their lives and I get that there are many large areas of their lives that they want/need no help from me in...but if there is nothing for me to control other than behavior within the very limited confines of our interactions with each other...what am I "accepting control of"?

For the most part,you are expected to accept "control" of the bedroom activities-hands off with the rest. And if that is all that is desired, it makes sense that they must have the rest of thier affairs in order.

For my part, I don't expect perfection-merely that someone puts in the needed work and effort to pull thier share of the weight in day to day living.

Romance, sex, and other such trivia will always take a back seat to the basics. So most of what I do is very business like, a manangment dynamic. But people don't want to talk about that-they want to navel gaze, and feel superior about thier "gifts".

Even when they really don't have squat, TO give anyone.

Or really want to.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 8

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 7:47:07 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am going to try and explain my feelings in some sort of way that makes sense to someone other than me.

I have a deep need to be needed. I think it is part of the reason I adopt rescued animals. I have no interest in buying a pedigree puppy, kitten, foal. I like bringing home a terrified creature and with love, nurturing and careful discipline, watching them blossom into their fullest potential. The animals I always seem to chose have a certain something, an intelligence, a survivor instinct that is still shining thru, damaged but not destroyed. I see it and want to nourish that. I think that says something about my dominant traits also.

I don't have any interest in just the physical play of BDSM by itself, it must be a part of a relationship even were it to be just a close friendship. The touchy weird part is that I don't do the clingy scary " I neeeeeeed you to survive!!" "You are my whooooooolllle world!" type thing either. That just creeps me out and makes me want to get the hell out of there fast. I don't want to be someone's WHOLE world, just a really important part of it. The women, one in particular, that have always intrigued me are those that are strong and together, basically in control of their lives, smart and funny BUT underneath all of that they hide a vulnerability, usually a past hurt. They are quite often very outgoing and not obviously submissive. It is only when we establish a friendship, some sort of rapport. Once they realize that maybe just maybe they can trust me that they begin to open up a little, show more of their vulnerabilities. It can be a slow process but the relationship that is created is indestructable. The nature of it may change in time but the foundation it was built on will always exist. That is what touches me.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 9

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 9:16:34 AM

marksl

Posts: 42
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Bdsm or not your life is your responciblitie never entrust it to someone else, This is no a rehersal dont have a second go at life.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 10

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 9:38:12 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

I think that most feel maybe they have to take control of those things to be a "true" Dom, or the sub/slave feel they much give over those things to be the "true" sub/slave they are.

In the end though, from either side it's nice to feel as though you have purpose, are wanted and a really bad word here "needed".

I just think it's very human to feel like we are wanted and therefore needed by the person we are with. It can be done in small ways, like a smile, a hug, talking to him about a problem you are having..ask for his input.. thing along those lines. It doesn't make you any less independent to ask for for those things, or allow them to be done. It gives so much of a good feeling for the other person, it's a small price to pay.

JMHO..... Andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to marksl)

Post #: 11

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 9:57:55 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It's a turn off for some. A lot of people have the Rescuer instinct...some for the wrong reasons, like they only feel good about themselves if they have rescued someone.

It's a turn on for some, like me. you having your life in order means that you've got your shit together enough in order to focus on service to me.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 12

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 10:58:36 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

It's a turn off for some. A lot of people have the Rescuer instinct...some for the wrong reasons, like they only feel good about themselves if they have rescued someone.

It's a turn on for some, like me. you having your life in order means that you've got your shit together enough in order to focus on service to me.

Master Fire

I just had to comment to this because I liked it so much. It made me stop and examine why I said what I did about the rescued animals thing and how it relates to my thoughts on BDSM in my relationships. For me, what I love about that comparison is not the "rescuing" act but what I see in the animal, or in my case, the strength of the survivor. That is what I mean about that glimmer that I see. A light that against all odds could not be quenched. They want to trust and love yet are afraid because of past hurts. I suppose some would see it as a rescue and so forth. I see it as potential. An opportunity for an even stronger relationship and level of trust and therefor service. I have never been attracted to obviously submissive women but the opposite. Nor have I ever enjoyed the lab, golden retriever type of dog. I have always been drawn to really smart aloof dogs, almost always female german shepherds. Slow to trust but omg, once they do they will defend you to the death even if they are afraid.
Perhaps its wrong to compare my relationship with animals to my relationship with people. Some may say its demeaning to the people. They do not know how important my animals are to me.
And maybe I am weird or wrong in not wanting a person that serves me just for the sake of their love of service. I love when a woman wants to serve me because of the relationship we have built, not because I was the first one that fit their shopping list of wants. I am not trying to offend anyone or say any way is better than another, just thinking myself thru this on here and giving someone else a reason to .....laugh, agree, disagree, think I am a freak, whatever floats their boat.......

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 12:44:45 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Today, I seem to be hyperfocused and the whole idea of relationships wasn't part of the question. LOL My answer was short and left out a lot of meat. I totally agree with you...a relationship is very important...for me, that needs to be there first. That's something I've learned the hard way.

I also totally get that seeing an improvement in someone/thing you've helped is a nice feeling. I don't think I'd equate that with the shadow aspects of the Rescuer archetype. http://myss.com/ThreeArchs.asp

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 14

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 2:30:25 PM

Submotive

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

I've run into this for the ??th time. I'm a person who manages her life in a responsible manner and is used to coping with what life throws at me without asking for outside help.

Here's the thing, I've gotten comments along the lines of "oh there is something I can do for you."

Do most dominants have a need/desire to be with a submissive that "needs" them to do things for her? IE straighten out her life, make choices for her that she doesn't seem to be able to make on her own? Is it a turn off or a monkey wrench in the works if a dominant feels the submissive is too self sufficent?

Although i'm not a Domme, i want to share my thoughts because this is a wonderful topic. Personally, i think if a person doesn't have their own life in order - Dominant or submissive - it prevents real connection because there is too much distraction with the chaos around T/them. Because my life runs relatively smoothly and so does Master's, W/we are free to notice, communicate and work with the internal feelings and reactions W/we have to each O/other as people and within the D/s and M/s dynamics.

In this respect O/our need/desire for the O/other is based on what W/we are not capable of supplying for O/ourselves because it's not possible, not because one of U/us is not handling the responsibility W/we need to handle on O/our own. i don't believe D/s or M/s should be an excuse to be co-dependent. If it is, the relationship is doomed.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 15

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 2:54:14 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Today, I seem to be hyperfocused and the whole idea of relationships wasn't part of the question. LOL My answer was short and left out a lot of meat. I totally agree with you...a relationship is very important...for me, that needs to be there first. That's something I've learned the hard way.

I also totally get that seeing an improvement in someone/thing you've helped is a nice feeling. I don't think I'd equate that with the shadow aspects of the Rescuer archetype. http://myss.com/ThreeArchs.asp

Master Fire

Thank you so much for sharing that website! I love it!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 16

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:25:35 PM

Bossandrew

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/23/2005
Status: offline

Feminism is deeply unattrative to most men. A vulnerable woman who needs help presses all the right buttons. QED

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 17

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:31:55 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bossandrew

Feminism is deeply unattrative to most men. A vulnerable woman who needs help presses all the right buttons. QED

Most of the men I know want a woman who can stand on her own feet and work as their partner. It's certainly worked in Libby and my relationship. She is submissive because she has a need for submission and she chose me because she sees me as worthy. Frankly, I wouldn't want a "vulnerable woman." She's simply hold me back.

I think you might want to delete "most men" from your post and make it more accurate by writing "me." Of course, I don't know what kind of "men" with whom you associate.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Bossandrew)

Post #: 18

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:43:34 PM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

CreativeDominant, I wasn't speaking about giving/not giving up control. I was speaking about people's need to be needed. How the comment about "you don't want to yield control of hardly any of your life" got into the mix is beyond me. Of course the initial comment about "Oh I can help you" often blows me away as well. Just because one can do things doesn't mean they would not appreciate relief from it or help with it.

Sleazybutterfly and Bossandrew appear to be on track with what I was asking. Also those who want a partner they don't have to parent, but who are adults and responsible are on track.

I tend to find that many men are intimidated by what I do for a living, the fact that my life isn't a mess, and seem to look past the submission part to feeling like they could not "help" me in my life because I'm competant on my own.

In reverse people seem to understand that a submissive man can cope with life and want to submit at the same time.

(in reply to Bossandrew)

Post #: 19

RE: Strong submissives/Doms feeling needed - 7/10/2006 3:45:00 PM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Point taken John Warren, excuse the "most" please.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 20

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