RE: Interrogation

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MsDDom -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:15:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke My partner is dominant and won't ask me any questions. Just doesn't seem interested... Since you made this statement, I think you should renegotiate your dynamic with your Dominant...respectfully so. Perhaps clarity is needed.

angelikaJ -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:29:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke Maybe I should just see a therapist, and break up with this guy because he clearly has very little interest in me apart from my use, and that's not what I'm after. The nagging issue for me is that he doesn't seem interested in me or learning about me, what I like, what I want, who I am. The idea of asking about me seems foreign to him. And that hurts a lot. I got something out of being interrogated. I got a sense of order to my words, my mind seemed to work simply and clearly under the pressure, sorting out what I was feeling, what I knew, and I hoped maybe the guy would like to know these things that I find difficult to unjumble into words and sentences. It was a sort of breakthrough. But maybee I should just see a therapist instead. Regardless of what else you decide, get a therapist. I don't know how long you have been with this partner. You think he cares about you, but he doesn't ask questions. He may just be as bad at responding as you are at revealing. If you don't want to be just a hook-up, then you need to clarify what this relationship is and where it is going. And if you discover that yeah, it was just a hookup, when you are in therapy you can learn how to choose partners whose needs are compatible with yours. But relationships aren't any sort of substitute for therapy. And BDSM isn't therapy.

GoddessManko -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 8:35:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke Throughout my life I've always found it very difficult to put what I have to say into words. One day, someone tied me up to a chair and started asking me questions, sort of interrogating me. I found this very relieving... that someone was interested enough in me to go to all this effort to get to the bottom of matters. I'm just wondering, am I alone in this? My partner is dominant and won't ask me any questions. Just doesn't seem interested, and I feel bad volunteering stuff because it either comes out wrong or I only tell half of the truth... the half that isn't difficult to say. I feel like he lacks interest in me, that if he really cared he'd be pushing me for information, that he'd not be going "ok" to the few deep things I told him about my past that are very difficult for me to discuss, like abuse and stuff, and then the next moment acting like I'd just told him the sun is out outside. Am I stuffed up for wishing the guy would push me, and interrogate me to get me to open up? And should I tell him about this, that it's helpful? I feel like I'm just basically telling a dominant how to get through to me, and he'll do it just cos I asked. Whenever I suggest things, he seems to just do them as a matter of courtesy. I feel like he'll be doing this as lip service... like if he cared he'd actually try and find out this stuff instead of having it handed to him. You are being extremely selfish. You are expecting your Dom to fulfill a hidden interrogation fetish you've discovered you have by purposefully giving half truths and using excuses like "it comes out all wrong". You are not at all respecting his authority as your Dominant and it's unfortunate he hasn't discovered that you're trying to guide his dominance and your submission only towards fulfilling this interrogation kink. Stop saying he doesn't care, it's YOU who doesn't and I really do hate when a sub tries to measure the value of a Dom based on previous experience with a completely different individual. Maybe your previous Dom has what I have which is LLI. It allows you to see through people's deceptions easily, both a blessing and a curse. It prevents you from getting too close to people because people lie all the time. Like you are now. You either have to let this kink go or come clean. Edited to add: Or maybe he sees right through this game you're playing and decided he's going to lockstep walk in the opposite direction of what you expect, and chose not to feed into it.

SwitchBloke -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 12:20:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko You are being extremely selfish. You are expecting your Dom to fulfill a hidden interrogation fetish you've discovered you have by purposefully giving half truths and using excuses like "it comes out all wrong". You are not at all respecting his authority as your Dominant and it's unfortunate he hasn't discovered that you're trying to guide his dominance and your submission only towards fulfilling this interrogation kink. Stop saying he doesn't care, it's YOU who doesn't and I really do hate when a sub tries to measure the value of a Dom based on previous experience with a completely different individual. Maybe your previous Dom has what I have which is LLI. It allows you to see through people's deceptions easily, both a blessing and a curse. It prevents you from getting too close to people because people lie all the time. Like you are now. You either have to let this kink go or come clean. Edited to add: Or maybe he sees right through this game you're playing and decided he's going to lockstep walk in the opposite direction of what you expect, and chose not to feed into it. Hey um... This is extremely rude. You've made a lot of assumptions. So anyone who has difficulty communicating and is trying as best they can and just said "I think xyz would work" is being manipulative? How is that fair at all? And you suggest I'm "disrespecting someone as my dominant"? No, no dominant deserves any extra respect from me. They're a person, not somehow better than I am. They don't deserve extra respect. I deserve just as much respect "as a submissive" and I've been used as a fucktoy under the guise of a relationship for a while. I thought he cared but I told him I need time to work out my issues and he spat in my face and told me to go fuck off and I wasn't worth him caring about. He wasn't interested in anything more than using me, and fuck this, I'm never trying anything like this again. Vanilla all the way, no matter how much it hurts, because dominants like him and you are awful and act like I'm always in the wrong.

FieryOpal -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 1:08:22 PM)
That one stuck in my mind also: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4652447 quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama Kana made a good post about interrogation recently but the blasted search feature won't uncover it >.< I'm thinking of the one where LW was telling him "fine" when he knew she wasn't. I could have sworn it was under "subs' take" re using safe words and not that "slave positions" thread.... But here's another golden nugget uncovered about getting emotional and talking it out. http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4653550 This prompts me to ask you, SwitchBloke, do you allow yourself to express your emotions non-verbally during play, or are you acting stoic with your Dom? You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart convo with him instead of making assumptions. He may be wanting more responsiveness from you and doesn't know how to tell you this. You have needs, he has needs, and the both of you have a communications barrier. Interrogation play might help resolve some of your inchoate issues, but it's not the solution. Please do read through the thread about safe words connected to the above link, before entertaining thoughts about finding another Dom. Because no matter where you go...there you are. [&:]

SwitchBloke -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 3:02:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal I could have sworn it was under "subs' take" re using safe words and not that "slave positions" thread.... But here's another golden nugget uncovered about getting emotional and talking it out. http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=4653550 This prompts me to ask you, SwitchBloke, do you allow yourself to express your emotions non-verbally during play, or are you acting stoic with your Dom? You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart convo with him instead of making assumptions. He may be wanting more responsiveness from you and doesn't know how to tell you this. You have needs, he has needs, and the both of you have a communications barrier. Interrogation play might help resolve some of your inchoate issues, but it's not the solution. Please do read through the thread about safe words connected to the above link, before entertaining thoughts about finding another Dom. Because no matter where you go...there you are. [&:] I told him that I had stuff I wanted to talk through, and he said he wasn't interested in talking. I asked if there was anything wrong and he said no, he was happy. When I told him I wanted to leave he said that's fine. That hurt a bit. I thought he actually cared. Then I told him why and he told me "I don't care about what you have to say, you're meat for me to hurt, that's all. I don't want to know how you feel, and I don't care about your life story." I don't want another dom. I won't trust anyone like that again. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I'm sorry I bothered you guys.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 3:41:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke I told him that I had stuff I wanted to talk through, and he said he wasn't interested in talking. I asked if there was anything wrong and he said no, he was happy. When I told him I wanted to leave he said that's fine. That hurt a bit. I thought he actually cared. Then I told him why and he told me "I don't care about what you have to say, you're meat for me to hurt, that's all. I don't want to know how you feel, and I don't care about your life story." I don't want another dom. I won't trust anyone like that again. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I'm sorry I bothered you guys. He sounds like an honest asshole, and you sound like a not-as-honest nice person. Did he ever lie to you about what he was interested in? I doubt it. There might be a possibility that you told yourself lies about him, though, because you wanted him to be more to you than he was. Frankly, this is what to expect when you try to recruit a sadist to fix your emotional problems. Fix your own problems, with the help of medically certified professionals. It isn't your kink partner's job to fix you. There are plenty of dominant men who are attracted to broken birds. Those men tend to be pretty fucked in the head. Get healthy, and find yourself someone healthy, who is attracted to your health.

kalikshama -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 5:15:49 PM)
Sweetie, I know it hurts. {{{{{ hugs }}}}} After a breakup, I always spend a lot of time at the gym, and once I joined the military and another time a yoga retreat center. I also got therapy and learned how to make better choices in men. And spent a little time hanging out with my buddies B&J: [image]http://testdb.msmagazine.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Ben-and-Jerrys-Collage.jpg[/image]

FieryOpal -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 6:03:59 PM)
Aw-wwh, where's Chunky Monkey? [:D] quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama [image]http://testdb.msmagazine.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Ben-and-Jerrys-Collage.jpg[/image] OP, don't let this experience shut you down. I don't know what you're into, but find yourself a warmer Dom or Switch instead of a cold bastard. quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke <snip> I don't want another dom. I won't trust anyone like that again. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Look for a Kind Sadist next time, one who won't treat you like a piece of meat. Uphold the same standards you would have in a vanilla relationship and don't settle for less. Make the guy "date" you first, or however that works.

DesFIP -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:29:53 PM)
You know, lots of people do this for just that reason. They can't both care about someone and do nasty things to them. This is their issue, not yours. Where your responsibility comes in is in getting involved with him without finding out that all he wants is the hot play and sex. Next time, become friends first. And if they are clear that they don't want to be friends and lovers as well as kinky fuck buddies, then wish them good luck and move on. All dominants don't do this. You picked the wrong person. But that's your problem to solve, how to pick the right person in the future. Just as it's your problem to solve learning how to talk to partners about vulnerabilities in the future. I suggest therapy for both.

littlewonder -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 8:00:31 PM)
I can't say I have a problem opening up to people. If someone asks me something I just tell them. Now there are times when I may tell Master I'm not ready to talk about something right now but that's just because I'm not sure how to word it or I feel it's just not the right time but when I'm ready and the time is ready then I have no problem opening up to him.

GoddessManko -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 8:58:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko You are being extremely selfish. You are expecting your Dom to fulfill a hidden interrogation fetish you've discovered you have by purposefully giving half truths and using excuses like "it comes out all wrong". You are not at all respecting his authority as your Dominant and it's unfortunate he hasn't discovered that you're trying to guide his dominance and your submission only towards fulfilling this interrogation kink. Stop saying he doesn't care, it's YOU who doesn't and I really do hate when a sub tries to measure the value of a Dom based on previous experience with a completely different individual. Maybe your previous Dom has what I have which is LLI. It allows you to see through people's deceptions easily, both a blessing and a curse. It prevents you from getting too close to people because people lie all the time. Like you are now. You either have to let this kink go or come clean. Edited to add: Or maybe he sees right through this game you're playing and decided he's going to lockstep walk in the opposite direction of what you expect, and chose not to feed into it. Hey um... This is extremely rude. You've made a lot of assumptions. So anyone who has difficulty communicating and is trying as best they can and just said "I think xyz would work" is being manipulative? How is that fair at all? And you suggest I'm "disrespecting someone as my dominant"? No, no dominant deserves any extra respect from me. They're a person, not somehow better than I am. They don't deserve extra respect. I deserve just as much respect "as a submissive" and I've been used as a fucktoy under the guise of a relationship for a while. I thought he cared but I told him I need time to work out my issues and he spat in my face and told me to go fuck off and I wasn't worth him caring about. He wasn't interested in anything more than using me, and fuck this, I'm never trying anything like this again. Vanilla all the way, no matter how much it hurts, because dominants like him and you are awful and act like I'm always in the wrong. You said "he doesn't care". "My first Dom tied me to a chair and interrogated me". You stated in your OP LITERALLY that unless this Dom does the same you're going to purposefully miscommunicate until he fulfills this kink. It is incredibly dishonest and yes, you should come clean. Saying "he doesn't care" is extremely rude, to your Dom. I feel sorry for the guy. It's not his fault you have issues with communication or an obsession with interrogation kink. And lmao, I love how YOUR trying to bait a Dom into fulfilling your fetish like a circus performer suddenly turns into "he's not better than me" as if I remotely suggested such a thing. Taking your dishonesty to another level I see. Now if this guy is spitting in your face or degrading you in a manner which IS a hard limit for you, then you should definitely part ways. Some Doms enjoy verbal degradation, some subs don't. Maybe his kinks and your kinks just don't line up or MAYBE as I said before he realizes you are trying to guide his methods and is reacting. Either way doesn't sound like you two are a good match and if communication is important to you, you should be doing it before anyone decides to take you on a sub, EFFECTIVELY. And you should let this interrogation kink go unless you find a Dom caring enough to fulfill this but don't blame me or this Dom for not following through and doing it just to get you to tell the truth. You think there won't be some minimal form of frustration or apathy derived from that? Everything in your OP suggests some level of deception, whether on purpose or not, by you. You can dislike me all you want but my subs love me. That works for me. RedMagic1 is spot on with his advice.

pg4g -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 9:34:35 PM)
Was he being deceptive? I think the OP was trying to see if the dom had any interest in him at all, and held things back. He seemed to suggest this guy really didn't want to talk and he was trying to let the dom come around to it, rather than handing it to him on a silver platter, and I can identify with that. You want someone interested in you - not someone who you basically have to wave yourself in front of naked to take any interest. I don't think there was anywhere he was being deceptive at all, except just saying not much, and I get the feeling it wouldn't have mattered if the interrogation thing really happened, or if he just showed interest. The OP was seriously just in need of care and wasn't going to beg a cold sadist for it. And I DO think you were rude, GoddessManko. You put this all on the sub, and completely absolved the dominant of any responsibilities, much like I see you do extremely often. Get off your high horse - dominants make mistakes. quote: Saying "he doesn't care" is extremely rude, to your Dom. I feel sorry for the guy. It's not his fault you have issues with communication or an obsession with interrogation kink. Well it's sort of clear now that he actually didn't care - he just wanted a toy. And where on earth did you see the OP suggest that he was really only wanting to be open during interrogation? He seemed to be saying he just thought it would be helpful to him. I think you assumed the worst and he was just playing the dom off. I saw no evidence of that. Was this sub act stupidly? Definitely: get some therapy to learn how to talk and open up, and check your partners far more thoroughly for a match. Don't jump for any dom who makes you shudder and jizz your pants. But I don't believe he was being deceptive. I believe he was trying to see any interest from the dom, and thought the interrogation scene would be most helpful. I see his point: if your dom would rather sit at the TV than say a word to you, the last thing you'd do is tell him you'd want his attention. You crave the dominant WANTING to GIVE that attention, unprompted, to show he cares.

GoddessManko -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 10:01:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pg4g Was he being deceptive? I think the OP was trying to see if the dom had any interest in him at all, and held things back. He seemed to suggest this guy really didn't want to talk and he was trying to let the dom come around to it, rather than handing it to him on a silver platter, and I can identify with that. You want someone interested in you - not someone who you basically have to wave yourself in front of naked to take any interest. I don't think there was anywhere he was being deceptive at all, except just saying not much, and I get the feeling it wouldn't have mattered if the interrogation thing really happened, or if he just showed interest. The OP was seriously just in need of care and wasn't going to beg a cold sadist for it. And I DO think you were rude, GoddessManko. You put this all on the sub, and completely absolved the dominant of any responsibilities, much like I see you do extremely often. Get off your high horse - dominants make mistakes. quote: Saying "he doesn't care" is extremely rude, to your Dom. I feel sorry for the guy. It's not his fault you have issues with communication or an obsession with interrogation kink. Well it's sort of clear now that he actually didn't care - he just wanted a toy. And where on earth did you see the OP suggest that he was really only wanting to be open during interrogation? He seemed to be saying he just thought it would be helpful to him. I think you assumed the worst and he was just playing the dom off. I saw no evidence of that. Was this sub act stupidly? Definitely: get some therapy to learn how to talk and open up, and check your partners far more thoroughly for a match. Don't jump for any dom who makes you shudder and jizz your pants. But I don't believe he was being deceptive. I believe he was trying to see any interest from the dom, and thought the interrogation scene would be most helpful. I see his point: if your dom would rather sit at the TV than say a word to you, the last thing you'd do is tell him you'd want his attention. You crave the dominant WANTING to GIVE that attention, unprompted, to show he cares. I would never take on a sub that could not communicate or miscommunicate with me. That is flirting with disaster and slightly insane. Especially how the spitting and verbal degradation seems to be a hard limit but somehow this Dom is unaware. This sub has the freedom to say "fuck this" and move on yet is here wondering why he won't tie him up and interrogate him for HOURS and keeping the charade of a "relationship" going, and that's not selfish? Also saying that without an interrogation kink specific a Dom doesn't care? Is silly. And he is lamenting the loss of his previous Dom WHILE with this one. If I was his current Dom I'd be pretty pissed too, it's a form of betrayal. And I think the only thing keeping this relationship together is the deception/perception of D/s because at any time they could have parted ways. That is what resonates with me here. But instead he is asking us how he can get THIS Dom, the same one who "doesn't care" to tie him up to a chair and interrogate him. Also, my high horse? I'm glad your true colors are finally resonating pg4g, took long enough. (Had me waiting too long). If you check previous threads, I have criticized irresponsible Doms before. I'm sorry your subtle baiting didn't work and finally you had to throw out such a bizarre and inaccurate statement out there.

pg4g -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 10:30:18 PM)
Ok, I'll take this a few pieces at a time... quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko I would never take on a sub that could not communicate or miscommunicate with me. That is flirting with disaster and slightly insane. Especially how the spitting and verbal degradation seems to be a hard limit but somehow this Dom is unaware. This sub has the freedom to say "fuck this" and move on yet is here wondering why he won't tie him up and interrogate him for HOURS and keeping the charade of a "relationship" going, and that's not selfish? I got the impression that it was when he said he needs time apart (as in, this is over, I am taking the door) that he then spit in his face, and told him to leave. Consent just got withdrawn, the relationship is over, treat the guy with dignity: he isn't a sub anymore and he's broken it off. Then, legally, that's assault. At least that's what I got out of that. And anyone can say "fuck this" and move on at any time. It's called consent isn't it? If they can't do that, it's illegal. quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko Also saying that without an interrogation kink specific a Dom doesn't care? Is silly. Where did the OP say that? He just said the guy didn't seem to care, and he wanted to see the guy care. He also said, unrelated, that he'd find an interrogation helpful. Also, why did you jump to this being an interrogation "kink"? The OP just said he found it helpful to order his thoughts, not arousing. quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko And he is lamenting the loss of his previous Dom WHILE with this one. If I was his current Dom I'd be pretty pissed too, it's a form of betrayal. And I think the only thing keeping this relationship together is the deception/perception of D/s because at any time they could have parted ways. I didn't see him lamenting the loss of a previous dom. He said someone did that, not a dom, and I didn't see lament, I read that he found it helpful. quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko Also, my high horse? I'm glad your true colors are finally resonating pg4g, took long enough. (Had me waiting too long). If you check previous threads, I have criticized irresponsible Doms before. I'm sorry your subtle baiting didn't work and finally you had to throw out such a bizarre and inaccurate statement out there. Ok, now I'm confused. I've had issue with your assuming the sub is wrong before, and I mentioned it at the time. I had no problem with you, but I did notice the theme in your posts. I had no "true colors" to show here. I just said it as I saw it. I didn't "subtly bait you" at all. I actually often find what you say to be extremely insightful. I had no idea that I "had you waiting" and I actually had quite a bit of respect for you apart from that. So what exactly are these true colors? And what did I have you waiting for?

GoddessManko -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 10:31:38 PM)
LOL...right...

pg4g -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 10:53:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko LOL...right... From re-reading his and your posts, you took everything SwitchBloke said, and turned it into something else. He said he has trouble communicating. You said he was being deceptive. He said he held back cos he didn't want a dom to go through the motions for his sake. He wanted the dom to actually want to do it. You said he was being manipulative. He said he found someone pressuring him in an interrogative sense to be helpful to order his thoughts. You said he had a kink and he was twisting his dom to do it. If he was twisting his dom, why didn't he even mention it? He said he wasn't mentioning anything at all! Specifically BECAUSE he didn't want a som to go through the motions for his sake. You said this: quote: You said "he doesn't care". "My first Dom tied me to a chair and interrogated me". You stated in your OP LITERALLY that unless this Dom does the same you're going to purposefully miscommunicate until he fulfills this kink. It is incredibly dishonest and yes, you should come clean. Actually, he didn't say that at all. He said that he couldn't form what he felt into words, it always came out wrong, or he'd only be able to get out the easy portion. That's not "purposefully miscommunicating" - that's being UNABLE to do so. All I see is you taking everything he said out of context.

AlexisANew -> RE: Interrogation (3/14/2014 4:21:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr I minored in Psychology in college. Now, I do not engage in interrogation as part of play so, I agree with you, here. I will say that I really enjoy being a support mechanism for the ladies in my life but, I always warn that while I have a compassionate ear and broad shoulders, I have no desire to be their therapist. There's a fine line. I am not a therapist because my psychology professor begged me to avoid it at all costs but, I have, very informally, helped acquaintances on several occasions/issues. Thanks for the reply DaddySatyr You are a lot more qualified than me and I imagine those previous studies and qualifications pay dividents when it comes to how you get someone to open up and reveal their inner most secrets. Kudos to you. I wish I had that tool. One thing I have found since being into this lifestyle and interacting with a lot of submissives is, many of them are open books about their past traumas. I have to wonder if this has become part of their submission, why they are submissive. If not then how can they be so open? I had one female sub approach me in a club and say, 'if you knew about my past you would weep for days'. I found myself saying, 'I'm not your therapist so don't tell me' and then kicking myself after for being so heartless. At the time I just felt she was being needy and anyone would do. I try not to think like that now but I'm always baffled that people can speak so openly to wide audiences. Those thoughts though, come from lack of education in the field you talk of. The thing I suppose we should keep in mind is, dominants have a past too and its not always a positive one but dominants are the ones who are seen as the tower of strength, the one who can make everything right, the one who is their to comfort and console. Perhaps this dominant in question hadn't yet sorted out his own internal issues so was unable to listen to the problems his submissive has. Maybe he's listened to problems a thousand times before and has become jaded. Whilst we may give ourselves titles like dominant and submissive, the reality is, we are merely human and whilst some humans can be open books or need to talk about their past, others can't. That doesn't make them deceitful, it doesn't make them any less dominant or submissive, it just means they are different.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Interrogation (3/14/2014 4:31:44 AM)
Many highly introverted people have trouble talking about their emotions, what they want, what's bothering them, etc. They may have a few things they can converse about (like a favorite hobby) but it tends to be an issue across the board when trying to communicate. Even trained therapists can have a hard time with this type of person. If this sounds like you, you're not alone. I suggest buying a cheap notebook and calling it your journal. Write in it everyday, it can be basic stuff like where you went, what you ate, anything you can come up with. If you get in the habit, I think eventually you will find your journal is a place you can say anything to anyone. I would make a point to keep that journal private, unless you come up with something you want to share with your dominant. Over time that sharing might become easier. As for wanting your dom to interrogate you, you could want that for a long time if you can't tell him about. I did get a bit of you thinking your dom should be able to read your mind about this. That's an unrealistic expectation in my book.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Interrogation (3/14/2014 4:51:23 AM)
Thank you, very much for the kind words. I'd like to take a bit of what you said: quote: ORIGINAL: AlexisANew The thing I suppose we should keep in mind is, dominants have a past too and its not always a positive one but dominants are the ones who are seen as the tower of strength, the one who can make everything right, the one who is their to comfort and console. Perhaps this dominant in question hadn't yet sorted out his own internal issues so was unable to listen to the problems his submissive has. Maybe he's listened to problems a thousand times before and has become jaded. Of course dominants also have issues to overcome. As you said we are all just human but, here (I think) is where we're going to disagree. I think a lot of what goes into making one dominant is that they have taken their pain, faced it and owned it. They haven't just gotten past it. They use it to their advantage. They grow in the personal traits that many see as being "dominant ones". This sort of takes into account growing as a person so, when I say "use it to their advantage", I am really saying that they use it as a roadmap to help their partner. While I may not have been through the exact same things that she has, I've been through a lot and I've owned it. I think one of the things that people "do wrong" that gets them accused of not caring is when they listen to their partner, they compare; as if it's some kind of "show your warts" competition. I tend to try to find a way to identify. That's how I can turn my past pain into a way to make my lady(/ie)'s life easier. However, I think some don't grow as people and just kind of face their pain but never own it. They become callous and uncaring (as I mentioned, above) they are comparing. They're response is more like: "That's nothing. When I was a kid, we had to walk five miles to school, too but it was uphill, both ways *and* we had no shows". They're still looking for someone to validate or alleviate their pain. quote: ORIGINAL: AlexisANew Whilst we may give ourselves titles like dominant and submissive, the reality is, we are merely human and whilst some humans can be open books or need to talk about their past, others can't. That doesn't make them deceitful, it doesn't make them any less dominant or submissive, it just means they are different. I grew up in a family where secrets were kept and I learned, early on, that while telling the truth would get me another beating, it would eventually bring light onto the subject and the behavior would stop. Secrets allow our crap to fester. Our issues are able to eat our guts out or, as I said before; not only do we face them but we resolve them or beat them down.

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