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Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:38:47 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
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A little background first:

I recently told one of my best friends about my 'lifestyle choice'.

She was more than supportive. And now i'm experiencing jealousy towards my best friend.

She's decided that the lifestyle is for her too, and has begun her quest for the 'perfect dominant'

I'm jealous because in my circle of friends this was my thing. I know this is selfish, and stupid. But i thought it made me special; within my group of friends, obviously.

And now i don't even have that. She has a history of 'taking' things that were mine and even our other friends' first. And i get the impression that's what she's doing now.

I talked to her about this, and now we're on a strictly 'no talking' basis.

I need advice on how to get over my feelings, and patch things up with my friend.

Post #: 1

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:43:25 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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If your friend does this sort of thing on purpose, is she the type of person you truly want as a friend?

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 2

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:43:37 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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I think you need to consider that if a baby is born into the world, you should not feel trammeled that it draws breath from the round's supply.
Each must make their own way, and the only thing in this world that is truely original is the inside of a duck.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 3

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:44:29 AM

zenofeller

Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
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well, are you only here because it gives you some measure of being special ?

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 4

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:45:59 AM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

You know where your heart is and what you seek. Someone who is just jumping in bercause they think it might be cool will never last and it will soon fall by the wayside (probably the first interaction wiith an actual dominant and not a bed room spanker). As they say, don't sweat the small stuff.

K

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 5

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:46:14 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
I'm jealous because in my circle of friends this was my thing. I know this is selfish, and stupid. But i thought it made me special; within my group of friends, obviously.

And now i don't even have that. She has a history of 'taking' things that were mine and even our other friends' first. And i get the impression that's what she's doing now.

I talked to her about this, and now we're on a strictly 'no talking' basis.

I need advice on how to get over my feelings, and patch things up with my friend.

We all like to be special. Music fans are quick to point that "I liked the band back when they were playing junk bars and putting up their own fliers, WAY before that 15 year old punk could buy their CD on Amazon" Being first, and being serious are elitist and marks of passion...and we feel something is being taken away when we have to "share" with the world.

Last night I was at Coldstone and the woman in front of me was an obvious newbie and was confused about not being able to just order a regular sundae. I was getting miffed and muttering to my partner how she needed to just go to McD's or Baskin Robbins if she wanted standard ice cream sundaes. My elitism over Coldstone reigns.

My partner then chuckled and pointed out how I was sounding a lot like Jack Black in High Fidelity when he refused to sell a CD to a random person on the street because it was obvious the customer wasn't a music afficionado like Black's character was.

All this is just to say- what you're experiencing is normal and common and we've all got a bit of that "But I was here first!" within us.

First, evaluate if your friendship with this person is really worth having. There's nothing wrong with going from "friend" to "friendly person you know" if your interests and desires for eachother change. Sometimes letting things cool to another level is the best way to find balance between eachother.

Secondly, if you do want to still be friends, then talk to her. Since she's not the reasonable sort, then let her play out what she needs to play out. Try and see it as flattery. Try and see it as someone you can now talk to about your common interests. Try and realize that her now wanting a fudge sundae will not in any way prevent you from having a foodgasm over your own breathless boston creme pie...ok I might be getting personal there. Call her on the phone and tell her that you realize this and hope you can enjoy things together.

Do your own thing and laugh politely at her doing her own thing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 6

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:47:07 AM

lisa1978

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

I simple apology should do the trick if she is a good friend. We all do things sometimes that we regret to friends and coming clean is a nice and noble thing.

If she truly is a chameleon about taking friends interests and turning them into her own, then I am sure she will quickly realize this life is not for her and move on leaving you to feel special again.

I do think you need to work on that feeling though. We all want to be/feel special to a certain extent, but when it effects thoughts and actions then to me that is a sign of a problem. I would try concentrating on being happy for your friend and to have someone close to you to talk about these things for as long as she is interested.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 7

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:50:08 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

She has a history of 'taking' things that were mine and even our other friends' first. And i get the impression that's what she's doing now.

I had a similar situation happen with my best friend, and other friends. When they find out about my lifestyle they want to 'get into it,' but I have found, more often than not, that they are jealous of *me* being so content, happy and uber-confident with myself that they want *that* not the lifestyle.

Consider what you said, above, and give it some time. This lifestyle is not something that comes easily, and if she is a true sub/Domme then embrace that and help her along. You get the chance to be the bigger person here... if what you said is true, then she is the one that need the help, not you.

Don't be jealous that she will take something away from you. That can't happen unless you allow it to. You *are* special, as are all subs... remember that and move forward with confidence. Besides, you were first... she's obviously just a follower.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 8

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:50:43 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I would look at it from the perspective that she must think you are pretty cool if she is trying to emulate/copy things you do. I would not worry about it, if BDSM is just something she thinks is "cool" and not truely her thing I am quite sure she will find out as soon as she meets up with it face to face.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/29/2006 10:52:09 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 9

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:53:33 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If we choose to look at it like this then it is much more positive than looking for the negative. Is the glass half empty or full?

I had a friend for many years (since high school) that sabatoged many of my intimate relationships in different ways... why? because she didn't want someone to take me from her, she was possessive of me. It sounds as though this might be her malfunction. We have friends that are flawed, we love them anyways. If it is truly toxic for you perhaps you should let the friendship go.

On Edit:
My best friend is a submissive, and we found out after we were already good friends that we each had doms...smiles.. it just made us better friends then we already were because now we could talk about BDSM too. Some of those talks are pretty damn funny!

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/29/2006 10:56:52 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 10

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 10:55:22 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I agree with Em (as usual).

All I would suggest is if you really want to be this persons friend if it is recurrent thing that she 'takes' from you. Is the friendship worth that?

quote:

I simple apology should do the trick if she is a good friend. We all do things sometimes that we regret to friends and coming clean is a nice and noble thing.

I am unsure who lisa means, but I am assuming she is recommending you apologise to the friend? If thats the case, I would disagree. There may be no reason for you to apologise, just to save a friendship that may not be in your best interests. Thats something you have to work out for yourself and if apologising feels right - then do it, but not for the sake of saving a friendship, but because it feels right for you.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 11

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:14:07 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

In response to zeno: i'm not here to feel special. Obviously, i'm not the only one into BDSM.

But the fact that i was the ONLY person in my group of friends that was into it made me feel special.

I have talked to my friend about this not being right for her. I also told her that i would be here when she realizes this. I think i might have made things worse (she's incredibly stubborn).

And i just got an e-mail from her, not five minutes ago, saying she's doing this partly to prove to me that she can, and that she would be better at it than me.

This is obviously not someone i want as a friend.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 12

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:20:32 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

From the limited information you provided your jealously stems from losing a friend and gaining a competitor. You may not be able to reestablish that friendship until one of you is in a relationship.

If you agree that having her as a competitor is the cause of the problem maybe disclosing and discussing is with her will break the ice. At least you can be a "friendly" competitor; at best you'll have a companion to share a ride and conversation on the way to a party, event, or club function.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 13

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:21:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
I have talked to my friend about this not being right for her. I also told her that i would be here when she realizes this. I think i might have made things worse (she's incredibly stubborn).

And i just got an e-mail from her, not five minutes ago, saying she's doing this partly to prove to me that she can, and that she would be better at it than me.

This is obviously not someone i want as a friend.

LOL you both sound like treasures. You telling your best friend that she isn't who she says she is, her telling her she's doing something just to prove you wrong.

Who knows, maybe it's not who she is. But who are you to tell her that at this stage of the game? I won't even tell a blind clueless newbie I've never met online that when it's screaming at me from all angles- it's just not my place.

And her choosing to do things to prove someone else wrong- yeah THAT's the best way to find fulfillment.

It sounds like you both need to review exactly what you consider a "friend" to be and to knock off the feeling that you're each THAT important and all-knowing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 14

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:28:10 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Hello litle

Really, its not up to you who she is and what she may or may not be able to do. Let her work that out on her own.

If shes really doing this to prove she can do it better than you, the most humble thing you can do, is write and wish her well. You don't have to be there for her if she fails - you don't have to be there for her if she does well. Concentrate on yourself and don't allow her to turn this into a pissing contest and try to 'beat her to it'... just move at your own speed and show humility in the lessons you can learn.

Just move on.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 15

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:31:26 AM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

This is what I was thinking too. Who needs a "friend" who always has to one-up you in everything you do?

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
If your friend does this sort of thing on purpose, is she the type of person you truly want as a friend?

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:33:37 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

I know i spoke out of place; and i'm not going to defend it because everything LA and dark said is true.

It was never my place to tell her who and what she is.

Thank you both for making me realize that.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 17

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:34:57 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i am in awe that you would write such a vulnerable and heartfelt post at your age....i am jealous of you because i am not nearly so unguarded...*grin*

i hear that this is some what confusing and destabilizing, and i know that is scary....but may i offer the perspective that you dont need to feel any one way about it?

How can you shift your perspective to creating this experience as something that makes you stronger more self assured person?

maybe...

to see her following in your footsteps, makes you a good leader that you would inspire folks like that
to know that you wrote this post, a type of post i would guess at least 80% of folks here would be terrified to post
to know that there is plenty to go around, there is no scarcity only the perception of it
to see your self as in control. ie; make an accurate evaluation that she is or is not a good friend to you (base it on all the good things too)and then act accordingly

no experience is inherently good or bad, although it may seem that way, we always have the choice to perceive it in what ever way we choose.

Ps i am a firm believer that you can and should do anything you want to to make yourself feel special....nothing wrong with that...

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 18

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 11:43:11 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Glad i did not have a friend tell me bdsm was not for me but then few of my friends know about my interest. It is personal to me and i treasure it, however it does not make me feel special. I am special but not because of bdsm, atleast not because of it alone. To lose a friend over an argument such as this is truly sad. But sad things happen and life goes on. Let her decide her own desires as you decide upon yours. Both of you will have to decide upon the path you choose to follow for yourselves. Forget the jealousy and stubborness not sure there is really a place for either in this world. LOL at least that is what my favorite Dom would tell you as He has told His long term slave and myself.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 19

RE: Jealousy (it's not what you think) - 6/29/2006 12:27:28 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

It was never my place to tell her who and what she is.

Thank you both for making me realize that.

Sad part is you should of realized that without anyone telling you. Frankly, you based your feeling special on the choices of others. As long as they made choices that didn't threaten your feeling everything is fine. But, her someone in your circle made a choice and out goes your feeling special. It might be a good idea to base your self-esteem, self-image and general feeling of being special on "Your" choices and actions not someone elses. Until you do that... you are always going to have jealousy and envy issues.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 20

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