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RE: Family Drama - 3/3/2013 8:07:00 PM

Notsweet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: Notsweet

I think I've had two out of those three conversations with my mother at some point.

She's been gone two years. I miss the bitch. She would say, "Queen bitch."

If not for the 'gone two years' I would wonder if you were my daughter....

I'm old. Probably could be your mother....

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RE: Family Drama - 3/3/2013 9:23:12 PM

TheHeretic

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From: California, USA
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I say, leave your mom with toddler, and you and your daughter go get a cup of coffee, and some pie.

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 3:14:42 AM

Muttling

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How old is your mom?

Is it possible that she's experiencing the very early stages of dementia? As they begin to have memory problems they often get very crotchety.

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 3:58:15 AM

TheBanshee

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Yes, I should have set the boundaries with mom from the get-go. I take the blame that I should have planned a little better - but they actually got there before I got home from work so I didn't have the opportunity to fix dinner (I suppose I could have done some sort of crock pot dinner though). I too have been working a lot (I have two jobs myself). My daughter and I both wanted Mom to be happy and tried to appease her despite not wanting to go to the restaurant ourselves. The kicker was her comment that she was put off because the baby was getting fussy. That was just the cherry on the sundae. Its her little comments and her "advice". She does I believe have a certain amount of dementia so all of us have learned to let things roll off. She has no filter anymore. Large doses of her sage advice and company can wear the most patient of saints. To be fair to Mom, however, my daughter can also get a little difficult when she is overwhelmed too. It was supposed to be a nice weekend (sigh).

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 4:00:00 AM

TheBanshee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

"I can't wash my hair at your house. The water in New Hampshire leaves a film on me."

"You know, my friends' children all have second houses and beautiful cars. Where did I go wrong with you?"

"Boy, (my ex-husband's name) looks good. I mean, he looks really good. I mean, wow, I can't get over how great he looks."

Mothers.

This made me laugh - I wonder if we might have the same mother.

< Message edited by TheBanshee -- 3/4/2013 4:04:14 AM >

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 4:02:04 AM

TheBanshee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

"Should you be eating that?"

Yep, sounds like her there too.

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 5:19:24 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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FR

I'm somewhat of an expert in dealing with toxic family members -- I have so many of them !

The next time you have Mom as a guest, look ahead to her potential behavior and set limits ahead of time. If you think you will have any problems saying no, role play being firm about your boundaries in your head (this can work wonders).

When push comes to shove (b/c crap will emerge that you didn't plan for), be prepared (again, you may need to role play) to very firmly say no. As in this is not where we are going to go, this is not a topic of conversation we are going to have, and BTW Mom, that toddler is looking fractious, why don't you take her off her mother's hands for a few hours (great lashings of shame and guilt might actually work with this one).

Sure, you want to show kindness and patience, but all too many people reach a certain age and think it gives them a right to be passive/aggressive in their behavior and to speak their mind, whether people want to hear their 'advice' or not.

Once they are convinced you won't move your boundaries for them, some will push it less often. Others, sadly, never will.

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 5:34:14 AM

Hillwilliam

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I left the house to go to college when I was still 17. Except for visits, I was pretty much gone for 18 years.
During the time I lived in my parents house, I heard "My house, My rules" at least once a week. When my parents started visiting me after I graduated from college, guess what I got to tell them?
I also had the gumption to make it stick much to my mom's chagrin. My dad just kinda gave a 'that's my boy' grin.
Fast forward. I moved back to TN (my own house again) in '96 (I'm 46 at the time) and for some reason, I'm fucking 17 again. I'm going to assume it was a 'home turf' issue and an attempt to reassert control.
Let's just say that there was an "I'm foing to TALK and you're going to LISTEN" conversation.
This may be what's happening here. Sometimes parents, after a long physical separation, regress your relationship to when you were 17 and hadn't left home yet. You are the only one who can set this thing straight and it won't be easy. Just remember, "My house, My rules" and make it stick. if you don't, God help you if she ever becomes infirm and has to move in with you.

Allie, I hope you read this too as I see some of the same things.

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 5:49:39 AM

Lynnxz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: erieangel

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It sounds like both you and your daughter need to set boundaries with your mom. You both need to tell her that sometimes your daughter has way more to handle than she can sometimes deal with and she needs a break sometimes.

Next time, you both need to say "no...we can't go out far away. The baby is tired, I'm tired and it's been a long drive and we all need to sleep" and stuff like that. Tell her it's the final word and that if she wants to go or do something when you both can't or won't, she is more than welcome to go alone and hand her the keys to the car.

You both need to speak up and let her know how it's going to be. Yeah, she'll get mad for a little bit and pout but she will get over it. It's not all about her.

Ditto

Put your foot down

Sometimes dealing with an old person is similar to dealing with the 2 year old.

This is so correct it's scary.

I shouted this one down my hall today at 3 am....

"MS. A I NEED YOU TO CUT THE DRAMA AND GO BACK TO BED. MISS B STOP EATING THINGS OFF THE GROUND.... AND MR Q PUT YOUR PENIS UP FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!"

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RE: Family Drama - 3/4/2013 12:49:22 PM

LeatherBentOne51

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quote:

Sure, you want to show kindness and patience, but all too many people reach a certain age and think it gives them a right to be passive/aggressive in their behavior and to speak their mind, whether people want to hear their 'advice' or not.

I agree with ChatteParfaitt. I think passive/aggressive is at play here.

I'm medically disabled and live in an apartment building with tons of senior women. Personally, I'm not a senior but I have observed the attitude that most feel entitled simply because of their age.

I don't let them get away with that when they try it on me. I've told a few of the that just because of their age, it doesn't give them license to act ugly. Or, especially to the religious ones that are constantly going to church but don't walk the talk, I've told them that God doesn't like ugly.

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Post #: 30