RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I disagree?

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 4:29:31 PM

slaveluci

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

But even if that's not the case, that's still how she feels. Accept that she feels that way, and just say "I'm sorry things are so hard at the office." You don't need to challenge her over the accuracy of her interpretation. What's that about?

Amen. I think that kind of response is a pretty shitty, self-righteous one and it's hard to imagine that those who feel compelled to use it have many close friends. I'm all for a policy of being as honest as possible in most cases with people but, damn it, sometimes we all are in such a state we just need a friend who supports us no matter what crazy thing we're currently feeling or dealing with. Once the initial pain and confusion passes, then we can be a little more blunt and "helpful."

luci

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 8:01:03 PM

NuevaVida

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~ Fast Reply ~

When I used to live with a victim-mentality, none of this "blunt talk" people are mentioning would have penetrated one iota; it would have distanced me from the people who are close to me. Which, of course, does happen when one has a victim-mentality. Something along the lines of what Kirata wrote would have gone a lot farther and told me enough, reading through those lines.

These days if a friend vents like that, I might gently suggest, "Do you think they could have meant _____?" instead of imposing my opinion on them. I value my friendships and don't want any of my friends to feel like I've diminished what they feel. Now, if it's the same thing over and over again, I will likely say I see things differently, or I'll start suggesting they let people do their own thing and not worry so much, and focus their energies on more positive things.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 8:02:59 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata
You don't need to challenge her over the accuracy of her interpretation. What's that about?

Well, I guess that is kind of what I am asking. Should I be challenging her, or should I not be? Her perceptions are that people are against her, and that makes her feel bad. Would it be more of a help to her to try to make her see that no, not everyone is against her? Or is it more of a help to her if I just shush up and don't contradict her thinking?

I actually liked Luci's suggestion. (Or maybe I'm putting a slight spin on what she said.) Just provide some support when she is feeling she emotionally needs it, but come back at a later time to maybe talk again about it.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 8:09:56 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Now, if it's the same thing over and over again, I will likely say I see things differently, or I'll start suggesting they let people do their own thing and not worry so much, and focus their energies on more positive things.

That's kind of the thing. This isn't a one-time occurrence. It's her general perception...quite often. Her self esteem is not good, and what she thinks people think of her just isn't true. She's in counseling for all her various issues, etc...so no need to suggest counseling. It's just...it pains me to see her beating herself up like this. But if I try to correct her, then I risk that she will see me as someone "against" her as well.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 8:20:02 PM

NuevaVida

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I'm glad she's in counseling, and if she has a good therapist, she will work these issues out there, in time. Those issues usually stem from very negative self esteem issues, which of course, stem from deeper stuff. So it's a delicate balance, and you're right - she may very well see you as someone "against' her if you correct her. On the other hand, it can also get very tiring to be on the receiving end to this kind of negativity.

But here's my thought - if she's in counseling and already getting help, any amount of correcting you're going to do isn't going to change her immediate perception. She needs her therapist for that (and I'm guessing she's sharing this stuff with the therapist, too). Since you can't honestly validate her perceptions, you can just say "it probably sucks to feel that way."

Not everyone is strong enough to receive the harsh and blunt approaches that have been mentioned in this thread, and I'm thinking someone in her state of mind would definitely not receive it well. Part of being a friend means not giving someone you love more than they can emotionally receive.

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