Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I disagree?

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Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I disagree? - 12/22/2012 10:37:09 AM

Kaliko

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I have a good friend whose insecurities run very, very deep. With good reason. She's been more traumatized than anyone I know. If anyone has a right to be a little fucked up, it's her.

She is constantly looking for validation for...oh...pretty much anything. Sometimes, I lose patience with this. She told me something just the other day...something about her relations in the office...and I disagreed completely with how she is interpreting the situation. She interprets things based on her insecurities, not on how things actually are. I didn't immediately say "Yes, you're right, the entire office is scheming against you..." and so she got a bit upset and said "Can't you just validate me?"

Should I have? Should I validate someone's opinion because it's what they want to hear, even if I disagree? Or should I tell her I think she's wrong? What if I think she's wrong almost all the time when it comes her perception of how things are going down? I don't want to be an argumentative bitch that's constantly trying to prove her wrong, but I don't want to support her insecurities taking hold of her perceptions, either.

The thing is...she's a great person. We've shared so much and she has been, at times, my best friend. But when she starts down a path like this, it can sometimes take months before I again see a glimmer of that woman that I know. I don't know if I should speak plainly with her and risk pissing her off and pushing her away, or smile and support her - remain close, but watch her struggle with skewed perception.

Thoughts?

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 10:46:40 AM

RedMagic1

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Validate facts. It's a fact that she has that feeling. Based on what you wrote, I'm assuming it's also a fact that no one in the office is scheming against her. You could say things like, "Wow, I can totally see how your co-worker saying that could remind you of X thing from your past." "I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're my best friend. Want to make better-than-sex pancakes together?"

But don't lie. You would be reinforcing her paranoia, and that's not a friendly act.

My two cents.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 10:55:07 AM

Kaliko

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Two things strike me about what you've written.

1. Yes...I suppose I should try to acknowledge her feelings without agreeing with them...though that's going to be fine line to dance. I would still be concerned, though, with not trying to set her straight. I suppose if it were me, I would want someone to speak more plainly. But that may not be everyone's choice. And that's what I struggle with, I guess.

2. How come I don't know what better-than-sex pancakes are?

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 11:20:37 AM

LaTigresse

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Myself, I prefer the truth. Even if it pisses me off royally. I will respect the person pissing me off far more for it. I don't like 'yes' people.

I am weird in that regard I think. Most people seem to only want validation, agreement. Some sort of confirmation that they are 'right'. What it all boils down to, to me, is how important the relationship is.

It sounds to me like this person's identity is very solidly based on her being the victim. I doubt she is able to see anything else. I think Red pretty much nailed it, if indeed the health of your friendship with her is important. Validate her feelings but not her sense of 'right'. It's a tough one for sure. Not a line I navigate successfully.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 11:37:17 AM

needlesandpins

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i wouldn't agree with her at all. i see my role as a friend to be to tell the truth, be supportive where i can, and lend an ear when someone just wants to let off steam. i think that where it counts the most, and that's probably in their worst situations it's where you need to be most truthful. be tactful yes, but don't aid the wrong.

needles

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 12:00:21 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
I would still be concerned, though, with not trying to set her straight.

Sure. I don't have any easy fix to offer you though. What if your friend converted to a religion that you thought was batshit crazy? A high school friend of mine who was the total hippie chick found Jeezus a few years ago -- and I meant to spell it that way, because she is insufferable now. What are you going to do? Not too damn much, that's what.

If you have a problem with saying, "You're wrong," you could phrase it differently, so you are validated differently, instead of her being invalid, so to speak. "I love you, and always will, but what you're describing is not the way I see the world."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Kaliko)

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 1:51:52 PM

kdsub

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She is coming to you for advice and as a confidant. Don't let her down by being a yes person...You will be doing her no good and perhaps harm.

That said there are always ways to soften criticism. Always find something to agree with but still guide her to what you believe is the truth.

There is no reason you can't be a friend and still have criticism if she is asking for your thoughts... Just don't harp on her... Let her make her own mistakes and only give advice if asked or to protect her.

Butch

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 3:44:15 PM

TheLilSquaw

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I see my role as a friend as someone who is truthful. Sometimes that means being blunt and harsh.
It's not my job to lie or to validate those i care about. It's my job as their friend to be REAL with them.
I expect the same in turn.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 4:00:25 PM

littlewonder

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I've had friends who pulled that kind of shit so I got to the point with everyone I say "Do you want validation or my opinion or advice?", and depending on how they respond, that's what they get. It's something you might wanna think about doing or just tell her she can talk about stuff with you but do not expect any kind of response. You're just there to listen to her, not respond.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 4:53:21 PM

Kana

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Friends to me are the ones who'll tell you the harsh truths acquaintances won't. That's what separates them as friends. They know I love them so I'll really listen, value their opinion, and I know they love me, so I hear with ears wide open,cuz I know that if they're willing to hurt me, hurt my precious wittle feelings, that I'm aware that it's important to them to say it and I listen accordingly

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/22/2012 7:37:24 PM

LizDeluxe

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I would call her on her paranoia but I would do so as gently as possible and try to subtly steer her toward a different perspective. A heavy hand is likely to galvanize her but blindly validating her does her more harm in the long run.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/23/2012 6:59:08 PM

DesFIP

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"I understand that in light of your past you would immediately interpret this in that way. I, personally, do not see it in the light you do. However, what do you propose to do feeling the way you do? Do you think complaining to HR will get you what you want or do you think they will decide that you are the problem person?"

But eventually you have to tell her that you don't want to listen to her victim mentality. That she needs to confront her past and put in the past instead of trying to recreate it all the time. And that you don't want to hear her constant complaints when she refuses to do anything to change her situation.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/23/2012 7:13:07 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

I've had friends who pulled that kind of shit so I got to the point with everyone I say "Do you want validation or my opinion or advice?", and depending on how they respond, that's what they get.

I do something similar - I like to problem solve but I know several of my female friends just want to be able to vent. So I ask them which they want, and that's what they get.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/23/2012 7:14:55 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

If you have a problem with saying, "You're wrong," you could phrase it differently, so you are validated differently, instead of her being invalid, so to speak. "I love you, and always will, but what you're describing is not the way I see the world."

Yes, using "I" statement lets you maintain your integrity without invalidating her.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/23/2012 7:57:43 PM

Kaliko

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Thank you, all. It's hard for me, as I would rather somebody hit me over the head with the truth, but...yes, perhaps there is a more delicate way to do it. I like the idea of asking first what she wants to hear. Maybe at some times she'll feel stronger than others.

(in reply to kalikshama)

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 8:25:23 AM

DesFIP

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When she tells you that she wants you to validate her, ask her if she seriously wants you to lie? Because there is no way to say that she's right, everyone is conspiring against her when it's not true.

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 9:35:01 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Myself, I prefer the truth. Even if it pisses me off royally. I will respect the person pissing me off far more for it. I don't like 'yes' people.

I am weird in that regard I think. Most people seem to only want validation, agreement. Some sort of confirmation that they are 'right'. What it all boils down to, to me, is how important the relationship is.

It sounds to me like this person's identity is very solidly based on her being the victim. I doubt she is able to see anything else. I think Red pretty much nailed it, if indeed the health of your friendship with her is important. Validate her feelings but not her sense of 'right'. It's a tough one for sure. Not a line I navigate successfully.

What she said.

When I started uni 2007 a "friend" got all butthurt when I applied critical thinking skills (my favourite subject at uni) to what she said...and gave her alternative views to stuff she claimed at work (we worked together in the past, so I knew her work place and the people she was talking about...and it wasn't bitching about past colleagues but just her view about a relative of one of those disabled residents there)...anyhow, to cut a long story short after I gave her 2 or 3 alternative views about the situation she told me about, she got all pissy and snapped at me "why do you always have to disagree with me"

Well...I wasn't disagreeing...I was only offering her alternative possible reasons for the situation she had explained to me...but that was too much to bear for her

Well...not very much later we then went completely different paths as she was just too obsessed in wanting a yes-sayer with me....and quite frankly...that...I am not

And I am perrrrrrfectly ok with that

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 9:38:35 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I've had friends who pulled that kind of shit so I got to the point with everyone I say "Do you want validation or my opinion or advice?", and depending on how they respond, that's what they get.

I do something similar - I like to problem solve but I know several of my female friends just want to be able to vent. So I ask them which they want, and that's what they get.

I also sometimes say: "If you don't want my opinion...then don't ask for it."

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 2:03:06 PM

TheBoyDownBelow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Should I have? Should I validate someone's opinion because it's what they want to hear, even if I disagree? Or should I tell her I think she's wrong?

IMHO Honesty goes a long way...

(in reply to Kaliko)

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RE: Should I validate my friend's opinion, even if I di... - 12/25/2012 3:55:42 PM

Kirata

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

She is constantly looking for validation for...oh...pretty much anything. Sometimes, I lose patience with this. She told me something just the other day...something about her relations in the office...and I disagreed completely with how she is interpreting the situation. She interprets things based on her insecurities, not on how things actually are. I didn't immediately say "Yes, you're right, the entire office is scheming against you..." and so she got a bit upset and said "Can't you just validate me?"

Very likely her co-workers have developed a shortness of patience with it too, and not knowing her like you do or having your history with her, they just don't want to be around her. It's not hard to imagine her picking up on that and feeling like they were all against her. But even if that's not the case, that's still how she feels. Accept that she feels that way, and just say "I'm sorry things are so hard at the office." You don't need to challenge her over the accuracy of her interpretation. What's that about?

K.

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Post #: 20

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