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How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:28:06 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		My sub had some stressful news, which she withheld from me for a few days because she "didn't want to add to my stress". I was bent out of shape when I found out that she was carrying the burden by herself (and leaving me to try to figure out why she was "off").

Then I remember once when I had been laid off and withheld the news from my then-wife because we were going to a party that night and I wanted her to focus on enjoying herself at the party. I broke the news to her next morning. I still think that was the right decision.

So what's your take? What's the difference in withholding bad news for a day vs. a few days? Does it make a difference that I was holding back until a specific event had passed? Any way that I can be right and my sub wrong?

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:32:03 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		hahaha at the can I be right and she be wrong sentence.

That said, the one thing that was non negotiable for me was transparency, and I was required to lay any problem, no matter how small or large I thought it to be, on his shoulders, ASAP.

Had I ever kept something back, especially something that made him have to wonder why I was "off", it would have been damaging as hell to our relationship.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:33:31 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		simple answer, no.

sorry, darlin, but timing has to be right not only for you, but for her too. JMHO.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:34:47 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		If you didn't spell it out she had to use her judgement. Sorry, next time define!! LOL

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:36:11 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		The way would be if you and your wife hadn't made the deal, but you and your slave have.

Then you can be right.

But beat her softly, it was a loving mistake, not an outrance discomboobilation of leviathon proportion.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:37:39 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I think she was being thoughtful, which is a good quality. BUt it had a reverse effect, forgive her she meant well. No right or wrong. If you didnt like it then if you were clear then the next time YOU CAN BE RIGHT. lol.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 7/11/2012 1:38:02 PM >

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:39:17 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Kind of her to want to protect you, but I've never been one for shielding people past childhood from the truth--and often not even then!

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 1:42:36 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If your stress was going to be resolved the next day, then that's okay to wait. But if it's ongoing, there's never going to be a good time.

However her past relationships have probably been with people who shoot the messenger, so give her a break. As well as a way to handle it in the future. Do you do better getting bad news first thing in the morning or after dinner?

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 2:18:00 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Any way that I can be right and my sub wrong?


Of course. DS = DarkSteven, Dom/sub and/or double standard.


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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 2:23:57 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I love you, Bita ;)

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 2:29:48 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I love you, Bita ;)

Mutuals, baby.. mutuals.

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He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 2:36:33 PM   
kitkat105


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline 		I wouldn't think there should be a specific time frame, but I'm all very open disclosure/communication about any issue. I would rather be a little hurt or stressed and help to resolve it.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 2:59:20 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My sub had some stressful news, which she withheld from me for a few days because she "didn't want to add to my stress". I was bent out of shape when I found out that she was carrying the burden by herself (and leaving me to try to figure out why she was "off").

Then I remember once when I had been laid off and withheld the news from my then-wife because we were going to a party that night and I wanted her to focus on enjoying herself at the party. I broke the news to her next morning. I still think that was the right decision.

So what's your take? What's the difference in withholding bad news for a day vs. a few days? Does it make a difference that I was holding back until a specific event had passed? Any way that I can be right and my sub wrong?


Master expects me to not withhold any information at all...none, nada. He doesn't care what it is. He sees withholding information as lying to him and thinking I know better than him and taking control back for myself. It means putting myself first instead of making him the priority and then making him have to work even harder to help with whatever the problem is. I have done it a couple of times and it never ever goes well and usually leads to me feeling extremely bad afterwards with him not being happy with me.

There are still a couple of times recently I've withheld info but I try really really hard not to do it. I hate having him worry over me but I also hate the guilt of withholding. It sometimes can be a difficult choice and I am still trying hard to not do it. I have just always used to solving problems all on my own, being a single mother for 20 years.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 3:06:56 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I think you did the right thing in the case of your wife and the party and you waited less than 24 hours to tell her. I'd prefer to receive unpleasant news with breakfast rather than before bed.

In the case of your sub, was there a specific event or stressor? Did you have some sort of aggreement regarding transparency already in place?

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 3:52:03 PM   
frazzle


Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline 		Sometimes as human beings we have to digest stuff ourselves before telling someone else.
What looks like a mountain, may be just a bump in the road once we've thought about it.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 4:12:28 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		In general I'd say never withhold information. I feel pretty strongly about that. And then there is the one time when my ex withheld something from me and in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Other times though, I've been pretty upset when people think by shielding me they're making things better. I don't like others making decisions for me, I'd rather get the news and do what I do with it.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 4:26:26 PM   
Delilya


Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline 		I would prefer to know right away, but wouldn't be mad at my sub if we had never discussed it and he honestly thought he was doing what was in my best interests. As for being right? I'm always right, except for when I'm wrong, and then I'm only mistaken.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 7:05:17 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		But I will admit that I prefer him to be in a good mood if I have to tell him something upsetting. Today I waited until we were alone in the car to tell him we're getting another kid moving in for an unspecified amount of time. Daughter's best friend needs out of her house for a few weeks.

If he's consistently in a foul temper, then I'll preface it by saying I have a problem I need to talk to him about if he can stop barking at everyone.

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/11/2012 7:16:34 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I would want to know right away, but I do understand the idea of "right timing".

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RE: How long to withhold info? - 7/12/2012 5:23:55 AM   
stellauk


Posts: 1360
Status: offline 		What is really important here? Is it the withholding of the information/news or the actual impact the said information/news on someone's thinking/feeling/emotions?

You did say 'stressful' did you not? Well stressful might mean that you might need to 'get your head round it' first, or 'put it into context', work out what is really important, or even make sure that you are able to pass it on without there being some misunderstanding or someone getting the wrong end of the stick.

Sometimes this is necessary to avoid passing on information or news in a way which is likely to lead to misunderstandings or misinterpretation. If the news is difficult or indeed 'stressful' it might need some time spent in thought or reflection first before it is passed on further.

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