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Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 12:50:17 PM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I just got back from visiting my mother in Montana. She is 88. She is still physically strong, and pointed out to me that she could do anything I could do, only slower. I don't know if that is true, but she still bounds up stairs, gardens, does her own yard work, etc.

Mentally, I am a little concerned. She doesn't seem to remember things she says from one minute to the next. We also talked about things she needs to accomplish, like getting her house painted, doing some other repairs, and possibly making some changes in her estate plan, but she seems to lack the will and confidence to do them. She was such a force of nature when she was younger, it is very difficult to deal with her inertia now.

I live about 1500 miles away, as do all my other siblings but one brother. She also has a neighbor that she is close to, who helps her with a lot of things. Still, it seems obvious she is going to need more and more help.

Anyone else dealing with an aging parent long distance? I think part of her problem is depression (she lost my dad and one of my brothers in the last two years), but a lot of it is age. How do you know when it is time to intervene? What kind of things do you do to make sure your elderly parents are not being taking advantage of?

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Post #: 1

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 12:54:05 PM

LillyBoPeep

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my grandma is declining and she lives a 6 hour drive away. i'm thinking that i'll move to a city that's closer so i can visit more often. there's a lot of stuff she needs done but she can't do it herself or she forgets. a lot of it is depression for my grandma, too; grandpa died last year, and she's lost 3 of the 5 kids they had. but on top of that, she really does have the early stages of alzheimers and .... gah... i don't even want to think about that.

my aunt has already moved down there to be closer, and my mom is also planning to move back. i'm thinking i may in the next year or so. i'm younger and more able than all of them, and i worry that my grandma may not have much time left anyway, and i don't want to think "gah, i should've spent more time with her."

but then of course there's the conflict of being young and wanting a life of my own. so... i dunno.

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Post #: 2

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 1:00:00 PM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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It's really tough living away from your elderly parents/grandparents.

I lived in London for nearly 20 years, but when my dad started to get really ill and mum needed more help from her family, I sold up and moved back to the north of England. I'm really glad I did, cos we lost dad recently and although mum is a very young 70, she's not getting any younger and needs help with physical stuff. For example, I'm fitting some new wall cabinets for her this weekend. She knows how to do it, she just lacks the balance and the strength to do it alone.

I can't advise on what to so with your mum, Semisweetie, I can only speak from my own experience.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you lots of love and hugs.

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RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 1:04:22 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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We had my grandmother with us until she died, and I will be the caregiver for my own parents and my mom's best friend, who right now lives in Florida.

It's hard when a very active person ages, because we keep believing we can do things, but our judgment skills are fading. As an example, my cousin's mom decided to stand on her bed to change her curtains. Broke her collarbone in the fall. She wouldnt have done anything that daft ten years prior as STAND ON A BED thinking to do something.

Get help in place as soon as you can, and if there are things that need to be done, she will need to be graciously walked through them. It's not her fault that she can't remember things, she just needs help focusing.

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RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 1:06:29 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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From such a distance, the best you can do is keep up with regular phone calls and such.

What are the chances of getting her to move closer to you, or you closer to her? You said one brother is close, what does he do to help care for her?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 5

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 1:13:06 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I do need to be better about phoning her, Lafayette, and I need to be more regular in my visits. If I have to be there to hire a painting contractor myself, then so be it.

My brother is the most wonderful person, he is so nice to her. He takes her places, checks in on her, and just provides companionship. He also does minor repairs and maintenance for her. For whatever reason, though, he seems kind of reluctant to deal with these bigger issues. I can't be critical of him though, he goes to see her about every other weekend, and it is a 2 hour drive for him, each way. I think I will talk to him about some of my concerns about repairs and her medical issues, and see if he would be willing to take more of a leading role. She is a little difficult to do things for, so you have to tread pretty carefully. For example, my sister offered to dust for her when she was visiting, and my mom took it as an insult, and started crying. Not an easy personality, by any means.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 6

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 2:51:28 PM

Lockit

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This is something I live. Not with a parent, but I'm the person that is entering this phase for lack of a better word. There was no stopping me, stubborn, independent, strong even with pain, I did a great deal more than most around me. Slowly but surely, for one reason or another, no pain control, mild strokes and being unable to work, things started taking a toll. I lived in a building that was twelve floors, with about nine apts on each, filled with the elderly or disabled. I was one of the young ones.

There was so much pain in that building. So much depression which seemed harder on the men. We all understood where we were in life and that the young people in our lives had to get on with life, but many didn't get a visit or a call from anyone for many months, sometimes they didn't get any, ever. We watched over one another, would tell others when we saw signs of someone going down or needing help and we all did what we could. Most isolated.

There was a process I noticed and I now see myself entering. You know you are on a downhill slide... you still think like that young person, still see yourself sprinting forward in life and yet, each day you have some reminder that that person is gone, your friends, family, spouse, career and now, the body or mind is leaving. You know its happening, you try to prepare. You leave notes to yourself, you try to keep things going and you don't tell people. You keep thinking you are just down a bit and you will get back up and kick butt. Time seems of little value as each day and long night blend into the next and soon a month has passed and you don't even remember it. You have nothing to really gauge life and time by. Pain is major and it puts you in a fog... you sleep less, you eat less and soon you don't feel like cooking and cleaning and you eat crap that is easy to afford or prepare. Your happiness is effected no matter how you look at things and you just may cry... then get mad at yourself for being weak.

You forget one thing and think you forgot ten things. You start to doubt yourself. It doesn't matter how well you think of yourself, something is out of your control and you are afraid it is you and you may go into some denial in the process, you may laugh it off, you may be strong one day and weak the next. You don't want to be a bother or burdensome and you hold on to whatever keeps you from that nursing home or hospital. You will even fight off anyone that makes it seem they think you are getting close and we may even resent you, all while loving you very much. Many wish to slow down or stop but if they do, somebody, whether it is family, friend, doctor, social worker or neighbor... is out to get you and put you away. A place you see only as a place you go to end your life and you aren't ready for that. You would rather go your way... in your home, whether it is falling down upon you or not. What does it matter that something needs paint or weeds fill the garden? You can't care because you can't fix it. You can't ask for help because that puts a target on your back. You act like you don't care.

You like your coffee or tea, sitting at your little table watching your program and you don't want some room in a facility when you become a room number and a body just waiting to die... with the funky group art work or stupid things to do. Hell, you might want to sit back and smoke a joint or sip some whiskey and you know that can't happen in a nursing home where they rule you, lock you in and control everything.

No... we are not going to admit too much and we are afraid of you.. but mostly we are afraid of what this slowing down body means and what you will do to us. We may prepare some things and totally ignore others... it isn't easy because to sit and sort it all out and plan our demise and who gets what and what to do... means... we have accepted that which we don't want to accept, even if we accept it some days. We can't go on a drive to chill or find enjoyment. We can't walk like we used to and have to use those carts or canes and walkers. When you are there we will sprint so you don't see how bad it is and will pay for it later. In everything our joys diminish and we are less likely to have visitors or outings and soon... we just like sitting in our rooms... OUR own place and room. Even if we are sad there and no one visits or calls or when they do it is more a check in than a fun thing, which only reminds us again... we ain't no young thing doing our thing and reminding us we are that older person with less use, you have to look after, rather than something else we would rather be.

I see so much sadness and I see myself headed down that downhill slide. I still kick up my heels, but you know... pain and lack is starting to kick my ass and that memory thing is bothersome and even if its funny that I forget a word or say it backwards, I know... it is only a matter of time before I am where they are.

We don't want to sit and die... we want to sky dive... we want to dance and sing and do all we did or didn't do. Yet... there is no one there to do it with. I'm headed there... so are you. I may get there before you... but we all are going there.

So don't think of us as someone that needs your care. Think of us as someone that needs your love, your companionship, the laughter and to be treated like the young people we are in our minds... even if we are losing our minds. lol We don't want to be baggage and the moment we think we are... we are shutting doors to you and for you to know just how bad it might really be. We don't want to be an obligation... we want you happy to see us and spend time with us or we just want you to let us be.

We still feel vital... we just need someone else to let us know they think so too.

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Post #: 7

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 3:41:18 PM

servantforuse

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Mine are both 83. I flew to Florida twice last year to be with my mom who is in a wheelchair. My dad had minor surgerys on each trip. Last April he called me on Thursday and I was in Clearwater the next day. They are finally looking for a condo here in the Milwaukee area. I'll be glad when they get back home..

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 8

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 4:11:23 PM

dovie

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I feel like I'm being split in two. My kids and grandkids are in the Pacific Northwest and my mom is in NY. She's 77 years old, on oxygen, can hardly move around a lot and lives with her 85 year old husband who leaves her alone with the live in housekeeper most nights. I don't know what to do or which way to go. My mother doesn't want to move to where I am, nor do my kids. And what about my life? If my mom gets worse or her husband dies, I will leave everything and go to her. I figure, I'll have to work it out from there. Mom refuses to do a will (is superstitious) and is already having trouble navigating the health care system. I've had to intervene several times from here. We bought her a computer and she doesn't want to learn how to use it. We bought her hearing aids, and she refuses to use them, so everyone has to talk loud and constantly repeat themselves. Me, I want to meet her where she is. Mom can be an ornery cuss and say the meanest things to you under heaven. I'm praying about this and hoping to come up with a plan shortly. *sigh.

dovie

_____________________________

"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

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Post #: 9

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 4:21:29 PM

agirl

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My Mum and Dad are right on my doorstep and that means that I'm right here to watch their decline. Mum forgets a LOT and Dad *pretends* that he doesn't know it. He's as sharp as a knife and has a wide and varied life, including going abroad every few months.

They are 77 and almost 80, both still the head of the family and the keeper of the hub of family interaction. When they die, there will be many lost connections.

As I'm not far away from my Ma and Pa, I have no answers really. I'm caught between having a child still at home, having an adult daughter that's had two strokes, being her carer, and having 4 grandchildren.

I would say that being on the *ground* is very different from being the visitor, no matter how much you love the wrinklies.

I CAN make sure they aren't taken advantage of because I'm right here......but even at a few months off of 80yrs, my Dad is still making sure *I* am not taken advantage of...LOL. Also, they have the majority of their grandchildren and great grandchildren close by. The UK is a small place, so none of us are ever THAT far away :-)

One sister lives in Canada......she won't get to be with Ma and Pa or be there to share the part of life that involves their ending or the intimate part of life at it's close. There's a reality to be faced with both. She's given them some great hols out there in jolly old Calgary over the last few years. So we all play our part according to our *cloth*.

I ACHE at the thought of losing my Mum and Dad, they still look after their family, me included, despite me being almost 54yrs. I ACHE at the thought of just losing their mad, crazy company. They are a pair of real characters, they aren't *old people*!

Dad pisses me off, telling me all the things I *ought* to be doing with my car and interfereing wherever he can.....Mum, looks up from her Ikea trolley and denies putting a Wok in it that she'd been in raptures about a few moments beforehand :-) You just have to love their fucking annoying, darling selves.

When do you intervene? Hard to say............ I rather think it's something you just *know*.....the signs become ever bolder?.

When my Dad doesn't care whether my car has had a service or an oil change, yeah, that'll be a big sign.

When I beat Mum at Scrabble or Yahtzee more than once a month......that'll be a sign.

We'll know. We'll just know.

agirl

Did I mention that I adore my Mum and Dad?

< Message edited by agirl -- 10/12/2011 4:24:51 PM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 4:29:02 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I do need to be better about phoning her, Lafayette, and I need to be more regular in my visits. If I have to be there to hire a painting contractor myself, then so be it.

My brother is the most wonderful person, he is so nice to her. He takes her places, checks in on her, and just provides companionship. He also does minor repairs and maintenance for her. For whatever reason, though, he seems kind of reluctant to deal with these bigger issues. I can't be critical of him though, he goes to see her about every other weekend, and it is a 2 hour drive for him, each way. I think I will talk to him about some of my concerns about repairs and her medical issues, and see if he would be willing to take more of a leading role. She is a little difficult to do things for, so you have to tread pretty carefully. For example, my sister offered to dust for her when she was visiting, and my mom took it as an insult, and started crying. Not an easy personality, by any means.

So you already know what you need to do. This isn't a snark, but hoping there is something else just isn't going to stop the train, if you know what I mean.

Talking with your brother sounds like a great idea. Two hours isn't that far, really, in the great scheme of travel considering where the rest of you are.

Also, when you talk to your mom, mention some of those big things and just ask nonchalantly, "hey, mom, have you gotten around to calling 'so and so' about fixing 'x?' If she hasn't, then just say, "how about we get that set up when I visit on ____?"

This way, you aren't stepping on her toes making her think she is losing it, but still driving home (subtly) that the stuff needs to get done.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 11

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 4:37:05 PM

dovie

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Came back to add this piece. Not all of us had parents that treated us kindly. I can't imagine having to care for someone that abused you in some shape or form and forgiveness has not happened in your life or is not possible for you because of the hurt that was done.

dovie

_____________________________

"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 12

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 4:39:58 PM

nancygirl34652

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Joined: 3/10/2010
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Ms Lockit, that was one of the most profound, moving things i have ever read....here or anywhere.

How beautiful and loving to share such personal feelings and thoughts with us...so very, very caring of You.

May we all listen to what You have said and really, truly hear.

< Message edited by nancygirl34652 -- 10/12/2011 4:40:33 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 13

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 5:55:51 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dovie

Came back to add this piece. Not all of us had parents that treated us kindly. I can't imagine having to care for someone that abused you in some shape or form and forgiveness has not happened in your life or is not possible for you because of the hurt that was done.

dovie

My parents are not the same people that they were when I was a youngster. In fact they were pretty, bloody horrid when I was under their care. I was oblivious to the punative struggles they had. They weren't kind, they didn't have TIME to be kind. I thought they were a pair of cunts and left home the very moment I could. I wanted them to just disappear and let me live my life the way I wanted to.

I got that in spades......apart from Dad popping into my shared accomodation to moan about the untidy garden....and slipping £10 notes under the piano music, knowing that I was the only pianist.

That was then, this is now. They aren't struggling to keep a large family any longer and hey..... they are allowed to find themselves a bit lacking. It's not a big deal. I find myself lacking as a parent, too. I've got a lot in common with them and I learned a lot from them too.

What people mean by *abuse* can pretty much mean anything from harsh words to sexual interference.....and there's quite a lot of ground inbetween.

I'm not going to apologise for asking.... What was abusive?

agirl

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Post #: 14

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 6:21:44 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nancygirl34652

Ms Lockit, that was one of the most profound, moving things i have ever read....here or anywhere.

How beautiful and loving to share such personal feelings and thoughts with us...so very, very caring of You.

May we all listen to what You have said and really, truly hear.

Agreed. Thank you for that, Lockit.

(in reply to nancygirl34652)

Post #: 15

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 7:08:05 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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My sisters and I have had to deal with this with my mother since we were all still even young because my mother does not have full mental capacities and as she gets older it gets worse.
We've learned to deal with her memory losses by just repeating things if it's important and if it's not we just let it go.

As for daily stuff, only one of us lives near mom so she takes my mom shopping, writes her checks for her, helps her with her house, takes her to the dr's office or whatever it is mom needs. My sister is annoyed that she is the one having to do it all but she's the only one of us who lives nearby.

I haven't lived near her in over 15 years so there's not a lot I can do. I make my obligatory calls, listen to my mom rant about things, ask her if she needs anything, try to chip in a few bucks to help pay for her meds or bills since she makes very little on social security and then I call my sister to find out what's REALLY going on since I can't trust mom to tell me everything either because she simply won't tell me or she doesn't know because of her mental inabilities. If my sis said she needs something done I do what I can for where I'm at and I make sure my other sisters know.

My mom doesn't own anything and has no money so the whole idea of a Will is basically useless so we haven't even bothered with any of that.

I'm in process of trying to get one of my sisters to take a power of attorney over my mom since she was in the hospital last year and not having a poa made it difficult to really help her. Being I live too far away it would not be helpful for me to be the one named.

I have a feeling in the next couple years I'll be having to make more trips back home to help with my mom and we're all going to have to make some tough decisions.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 10/12/2011 7:09:18 PM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 7:47:42 PM

dovie

Posts: 1211
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: dovie

Came back to add this piece. Not all of us had parents that treated us kindly. I can't imagine having to care for someone that abused you in some shape or form and forgiveness has not happened in your life or is not possible for you because of the hurt that was done.

dovie

My parents are not the same people that they were when I was a youngster. In fact they were pretty, bloody horrid when I was under their care. I was oblivious to the punative struggles they had. They weren't kind, they didn't have TIME to be kind. I thought they were a pair of cunts and left home the very moment I could. I wanted them to just disappear and let me live my life the way I wanted to.

I got that in spades......apart from Dad popping into my shared accomodation to moan about the untidy garden....and slipping £10 notes under the piano music, knowing that I was the only pianist.

That was then, this is now. They aren't struggling to keep a large family any longer and hey..... they are allowed to find themselves a bit lacking. It's not a big deal. I find myself lacking as a parent, too. I've got a lot in common with them and I learned a lot from them too.

What people mean by *abuse* can pretty much mean anything from harsh words to sexual interference.....and there's quite a lot of ground inbetween.

I'm not going to apologise for asking.... What was abusive?

agirl

I'm glad that your experience and your relationship with your parents has evolved in such a positive manner. It appears you have a good understanding of their trials while raising a family. I'm sure they appreciate you as much as you appreciate them.

dovie

_____________________________

"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 7:48:59 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My mom doesn't own anything and has no money so the whole idea of a Will is basically useless so we haven't even bothered with any of that.

Unless your mother is living in a box, naked, she has stuff. Might not be stuff of great value, or even things that you would want, but she has stuff.

A will is NEVER useless, and not meant only for those who have a significant estate to distribute. The big double "Ds" are two things that bring out the absolute worst in people, Divorce and Death.

Even if you get a simple will from a stationary store and fill it out, better to have that than nothing. You said your sister writes her checks for her, so she has a bank account. Want it frozen after her death? Does she have a life insurance policy? Who is going to take responsibility for that cost?

More goes into a will than simply saying who gets your stuff. Having one is in your mother's and you and your siblings best interest.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 7:49:31 PM

dovie

Posts: 1211
Status: offline

At Lockit,

This is beautiful and I thank you for sharing this! I will read this more than a few times.

Best,
dovie

_____________________________

"Sometimes love is a nice long lick!"

gentle dove with 38's *the kind you shoot with*

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 19

RE: Elderly parents - 10/12/2011 7:59:04 PM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dovie

Came back to add this piece. Not all of us had parents that treated us kindly. I can't imagine having to care for someone that abused you in some shape or form and forgiveness has not happened in your life or is not possible for you because of the hurt that was done.

dovie

There is a bumper sticker that I absolutely love, that says, "be good to your kids; they'll choose your nursing home."

Sometimes there isn't a lot of obligation, at the back end of the deal.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.

(in reply to dovie)

Post #: 20

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