Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner

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Lockit -> Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 12:06:00 PM)
I love that CM is a place where people can get information, ask questions and hopefully get answers and discuss many topics that are a part of life, whatever lifestyle we have, live or want and can get opinions on many things. You want opinions and you will get them! There will always be someone that agrees with you or disagrees with you and the give and take of it all is a great thing. There are those that look at a d/s or bdsm relationship as very different and as if there is a rule book they must go by within relationships of these types. Often times you will see someone caught up in how things are supposed to go in dating, courtship, consideration, training, protocol, etc. and think there is a way that it should be done and is asking if it is right that the dom or submissive do a certain thing as if it is vastly different than what they have known in a vanilla relationship and there is a specific way to do things. I think that a relationship is pretty basic and the same qualities or necessities are required in a vanilla relationship as they are in d/s or bdsm. Whatever makes up any type of situation or relationship are up to the people involved, but what makes a good vanilla relationship is part of what makes a good d/s or bdsm relationship, in my opinion. Things such as communication, trust and respect of some sort. As an adult, I consider that we should not negate what we feel is important in a vanilla view of things because we wish to live with d/s or bdsm as a part of our life. What is important to me in a vanilla setting is important to me in other settings. It doesn’t change. By the time we are an adult and have some life experience, I kind of assume we have learned a few things on how to get by in life and don’t regress because we now have some rule book expectation, whether that is self imposed or imposed by another. What we know and experience as an older person will be surely different than what we knew when younger, but taking that into consideration, I am talking about middle aged people that become clueless because d/s or bdsm has now entered their lives. It is in this type of setting, the adult that feels unsure of what is allowable or expected in a d/s or bdsm situation/relationship and comes for advice, that I am talking about. They seek to know if this (whatever this is) is an okay thing to do because they have now entered some sort of lifestyle that has rules that all must adhere to. I know I am mixing up some topics but I think one thing feeds another sometimes. It is often times someone concerned about how things are supposed to go that crosses over into something I would consider relationship skills for any type of relationship. By a certain age range in life, I kind of expect people to have a clue about some things, but that is my own personal take on things and may be very different to how others view it. When in a relationship of whatever sort, whether you call it consideration, training, courting one another, getting to know one another or more seriously involved… *how would you feel if your partner went to a public format and discussed your issues before they had discussed them with you?* Personally I am all for communication and accountability and if whomever I am getting involved or am involved with in any manner has a question I will explain my take and will often times provide a way in which to hear the view of others. I am not afraid that someone will expose some misdeed or flaw I might have publicly. That isn’t my point. I will point out the message boards or friends and say… have at it, but first I do expect our communication to be such that we would discuss it before broadcasting any part of our relationship, not previously given the okay to openly discuss. I would consider it a breakdown in communication or problem within the relationship if they went to others before they came to me. How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue? What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another? Would you have a problem with this?

LadyPact -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 12:27:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue? What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another? Would you have a problem with this? The key word for Me in this is the word "publicly". I don't have a problem with one of the guys running something past a friend to bounce ideas off of them about something they are struggling with. Even if that is before they come to Me. A public "what do people think about this" before they've discussed the issue or brought their concern to Me? I wouldn't be thrilled with that in the slightest. My life isn't an open cattle call of opinions and really, I'd expect them to do a little better than that.

ricken -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 12:45:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The key word for Me in this is the word "publicly". I don't have a problem with one of the guys running something past a friend to bounce ideas off of them about something they are struggling with. Even if that is before they come to Me. A public "what do people think about this" before they've discussed the issue or brought their concern to Me? I wouldn't be thrilled with that in the slightest. My life isn't an open cattle call of opinions and really, I'd expect them to do a little better than that. Thanks LadyPact, I been sitting at the keyboard trying to put that idea into words...I'm having a very unfocused day today... I first came here to learn because of my woman, I thought she was more experienced and into a BDSM lifestyle. So I asked a few questions and looked at a lot of posts, and I learned a few things. This gave me some information to communicate better with her about BDSM . I learned a lot here and one of the ideas RE-ENFORCED in my brain is "talk to her about an issue first" Because after all my research and such turns out she isn't into lifestyle BDSM just likes the bedroom side of stuff.... Still glad I came here though....

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 12:47:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit *How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue?* Like there was a communication problem between us. *quote:* *What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another?* I suspect the "motivation' was that they felt we couldn't discuss it for some reason -- and would likely examine if i'd contributed to this? However, I also believe such occurances open the door for greater communicaiton. *quote:* *Would you have a problem with this?* I would in the sense that I'd feel we had a communication (possibly even trust) issue -- but, again, also believe it may open the door to greater communicaiton in the future.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 1:19:46 PM)
Sometimes one just needs to bounce ideas off others in a safe and neutral atmosphere to help hammer out the best way to approach it in the relationship. CM is perfect for that. Not everyone would feel comfortable discussing BDSM issues, or even issues where BDSM is simply a minor subtext, with their real life friends and acquaintances. I also suppose it depends on what you mean by "public". I guess I don't consider CM to be public because for the most part, we don't even know each others' names and or even what others look like. For the most part, I don't see the problem with asking for relationship advice here, be it BDSM or vanilla, prior to tackling the issue in real life. In fact, I have been grateful on several occasions to have this place as a sounding board, and I think it has caused me to avoid some mistakes. Of course, a notable exception would be that whole Arturas-Tammy cluster a few weeks ago. which was obviously just in lousy taste, since both parties were active members of the forums. Other than that, I just don't see the problem. .

littlewonder -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 1:49:02 PM)
personally I don't run my problems past anyone at all, not even friends or family, UNTIL I discuss the problem with my partner who whoever I have the problem with then. Only then if the problem is still unresolved, do I run it past others. Imo until you do that you're just making noise for the sake of attention.

DesFIP -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 1:58:20 PM)
If you don't know what you feel about it, then learning more can help you identify what your issues are. Saying "I have a problem with this but I don't know what it is" isn't going to get us very far. It's like going to a 12 step meeting or group therapy, sometimes hearing what others say is enormously helpful. Especially if your partner is logic based, this could just be a very frustrating conversation. Now, if I can identify the problem and still don't want to talk to him then that would tell me that this issue isn't the problem. That the relationship in general has major problems.

littlewonder -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 2:03:01 PM)
quote: Saying "I have a problem with this but I don't know what it is" isn't going to get us very far. We actually just had something similar like this happen last week. Instead of asking others or going elsewhere we were able to pinpoint the issues even though I had no idea why I was feeling as I did. We just simply hashed it out between us both by going back and forth and bouncing off words, phrases, ideas until we both came to what the cause was. Personally I think no one else can tell you or help you until you talk to your partner. He or she may be able to give you a quick answer instead of wasting the time of everyone else and then everyone else getting angry or upset that you just wasted their time and/or didn't take their advice. Usually by that point they're shaking their heads and saying and thinking "why did you bother asking me then???"

fragilepieces -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 2:05:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue? What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another? Would you have a problem with this? There are very few people here who know me personally and most of them do not read the forums so if a partner chose to use the boards to discuss an issue---pfffttt it probably would not bother me. I agree with Iamsemisweet you might need someone else to bounce idea's off from---it might be something that may not even be an issue. I don't even think it matters how old a person is when they come to this 'lifestyle' things can be a bit different...sometimes we 'claim' so many 'truths' about this lifestyle that I think it's pretty easy for common sense to fly out the window---especially when one is new.

Lockit -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 2:13:16 PM)
I'm loving the different perspectives from everyone. Thank you. I can see a lot in each post that I can agree has its benefits... still I am a hard core something or other, but hopefully willing to see other views other than what I have. [;)]

LaTigresse -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 2:16:21 PM)
ANYone that is in a close personal relationship with me, that takes a problem with me, to another person before discussing it with me, is going to get a mega ass chewing. Many years ago, once upon a time, Generic Dude went to his father about me. Once. It never happened again. Anyone in a M/s relationship with me, that has a problem with me or any aspect of our relationship is REQUIRED to bring it to me first. If they discussed it with ANYone else without my permission, chances are, the relationship would be over.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 2:34:38 PM)
I think it depends on the partner. Some are not open to discussion. I've posted anonymously in the past with problems. I haven't had to do that with Shore. We take the talk it out method and it's worked well with us. He's such a mushy, lovey dovey kinda guy. [:D]

DomImus -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 4:17:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Sometimes one just needs to bounce ideas off others in a safe and neutral atmosphere to help hammer out the best way to approach it in the relationship. CM is perfect for that. I think CM doesn't count in this equation. It can't. Some of the very people who have already blasted this practice on Page One are the usual suspects and first responders to these very types of threads. The hypocrisy is so overwhelming even this early in this thread that I don't know how to reply.

Endivius -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 5:15:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit *How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue?* I would be dissapointed, and upset. They are welcome to listen to as many opinions as they wish, but at the end of the day mine is the only one that matters, that's why they should be talking to ME. quote: *What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you* There is a break down in trust. I make it clear that I am interested in them and want them to be my s/s, and that it is not acceptable if they do not bring concerns to me. They can talk to whoever they want to, but they better talk to me first quote: *and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another?* Might be a deal breaker quite frankly. I have no problem with them discussing our relationship with others, for ideas, and insight, as long as they bring those concerns to me FIRST. I would look at the person as not trusting me, and I would have to decide if that is a fault of mine or thiers. Depending on the answer, would decide thier fate. As for how it would affect me personally, I'd be highly annoyed, but easily get over it. quote: Would you have a problem with this? Deffinitely. I'm guessing by "public" you mean, outside of you and your partner but with friends and family respecting privacy, and not broadcasting it out openly. Otherwise, i'd toss all thier shit outside, call u-haul and tell them to get off my lawn.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 6:02:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit *How would you feel if someone you were involved with, publicly discussed a relationship issue with others before they discussed it with you or even let you know there was an issue?* I have different boundaries than many others, and would not be quick to see this as a betrayal. Sometimes it is really a cry for help, and I have known some people to be so emotionally overloaded that they knew they had lost perspective and had no clue where to start with damage control. Would I feel upset? Yes, but I would have to suck it up and take responsibility, because either I would have pushed someone too far or else there was an even larger problem that I had been neglecting for communication between us to be so messed up. Also, some people are just...who they are. I have to accept this and deal with it if I want them in my life. My mother is one...when she is upset, her brain shuts down, logic and reason is tossed to the four winds and everything out of her mouth comes straight from her intense feelings. The whole world gets to hear about it, and yes, my face has gotten very red on occasion but I deal with it. She cannot understand the lost perspective and betrayal until she has calmed down, and by then I feel that the only benefit that can come afterward is for her to regain a more balanced perspective. Recently she has been telling all and sundry that I have not contacted her in three weeks, and I had a phone call from my sister in Texas over it...asking if I was pissed off at mom. Everyone in four states heard that I must be mad at her and was neglecting her. Mom had just gotten off the phone with my sis, and when my sis phoned me...I had to tell her that mom and I had been on the phone for over an hour the previous night, and that I was waiting to take her shopping later that day. My sis was morally outraged, lol, but I understood the way mom thinks. She wasn't getting enough face time (yep, when she left her phone in the charger all day long, day after day, it didn't ring but put all calls into voice mail, which she didn't know how to use), and though we had talked several times, AND I had taken her shopping, AND had spent an hour on the phone with her the night before...to HER, she had processed this as "she is being ignored." Mom is not losing her mind, she has always been like this. I am used to having no privacy at all and having all of my issues discussed freely. le sigh Other people would likely go batshit crazy with feelings of betrayal, and I understand this. Am only giving my POV and not trying to diagnose any other scenario. quote: What do you think would motivate someone talking about your relationship with others before you and what effect do you think it would have on you, your relationship and your view of one another? Would you have a problem with this? Okay, all of this is a "what if". I have to think about it in terms of my current relationship. My sub can come to me about anything, since I prefer transparency he is having to get used to that. If he tells friends first before getting up the nerve to come to me with something, I will be pleased with him over finding some way to bring it to me. If he came into forums, where I was known, to air our dirty laundry without getting my permission to do so first...I would have to assume that one of several things are going on: 1) That he is pissed and is trying to hurt me. 2) That he is really at the end of his rope and that I have failed him; that I need to drop everything to caretake my sub and fix where I screwed up. 3) That he is trying to give himself permission to leave by getting others on his side, or is trying to provoke me into releasing him. The effect it would have on me would depend on why he felt the need to do this. I would be upset but would have to "man up" with some damage control, putting us first and damn my reputation here in the message boards at CM. If he is not more important to me than my ego and hurt feelings, I shouldn't be with him to start with. If we were breaking up and his coming here to rant about it just to hurt me...if I deserved it I would suck it up. Either way, I hope this never happens, but it is the risk all of us take when we hook up with someone. Would I have a big problem with this? Not exactly. A red face? Definitely. I would have a far bigger problem if he felt he could not come to me with it first...if he couldn't expect me to handle our problems...that I had damaged his trust so thoroughly. When he is upset or overwhelmed, he needs to...NEED to come to me and basically lay it at my feet. All of that aside...drat...I missed a trainwreck, the Arturas - Tammy thing. Sorry to hear about it, for both of them...and yet, at the same time, I loves some CollarMe trainwrecks. [:D] ***** edited for clarity...two missing commas can make an entire sentence come out wrong, lol.

domiguy -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 6:31:25 PM)
You air our personal laundry out in public and you are gone.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 10:01:18 PM)
Hello Lockit, First I must confess that I couldn't read all that you wrote - it was too small - but I get the gist of what you were saying, and I know you had this very discussion on a particular thread recently. I think that what you are seeing - if I understand the premise of your question - is actually NOT about people and relationships. I think it is about NEW people in this realm trying to get their bearings. When someone joins any new group - be it a dance troupe, a new work place, a new religion - there are always questions of norms. What is ok? What is expected of me? What can I do to make this as smooth as possible? Oh heavens, what was that? Was that right? What are the norms HERE? I'm living where it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone how much you weigh and what your age is and if you are married. These are friendly things. They are ways to get to know you. In MY world, they are not. So when I first got here, I was shocked by the behavior. I went to my expat friends who were here, and I asked them if this was normal and if I should be offended and how should I respond, etc. I DIDN'T go to my boss and say, "um, I know we are in a new relationship, but can you please explain to me why you asked me if I'm married and how old I am?" Of course not. I don't know him that well. I don't want to offend him. I want to be pleasing to him. I want to be a good employee. When we are new to wiitwd, PARTICULARLY people on the submissive side of things, we want to do it RIGHT. We want to be pleasing - it's how many of us are hardwired after all. Questioning someone else's behavior is not generally considered a pleasing thing. What I've noticed as the difference between new subly types and new domly types is this: Domly types: How do I do this?... (information) Subly types: Am I doing this right? (opinion) I have seen a lot of newbies come and go, and it's a pretty common occurance. I don't really want to trash people for wanting to be pleasing, for wanting to respect the norms of a philosophy (so to speak), for wanting to figure out how they are supposed to be. After being around the block a few times, that's different. Once you've been in the community and you know what's what, you can relax and be yourself. You come to realize (hopefully anyway) that in fact you are just fine as you are, and there is a lid out there somewhere that matches your pot-ness. Remember, Lockit, a goodly amount of subly types get a lot of self-identification from being pleasing, from their relationships, from connection with others. Wanting to have those good connections and wanting to do the right thing is different than it is for domly types. The very thing that domly folks love about subly folks is the reason for the discussion. They are branches from the same tree. The whole discussion of the negatives of one's personal relationship once one has been around awhile is inappropriate to me. Let's remember that recent clusterfuck thread that was just disgusting to see this point. There are things one can do to help a new subly person with the "what's right" question - support them in getting another subly person as a mentor, have the subly person write about their concerns, pay attention to responses and put priority to exploring them. I particularly like the discussions of submissive folks together. It takes the whole "I gotta be pleasing" thing out of the equation. Best wishes, sunshine

seekingreality -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (8/31/2011 11:17:38 PM)
Frankly, if I was going to do something like that, I would first create a new profile, giving myself a different age, different state, etc., so there was no chance anyone would know who I really was. And then when I posted about the issue I would change the details enough so that even people who knew us wouldn't know the post referred to us. If there were a veil of anonymity like that, I see no problem getting advice. But I wouldn't air out my personal issues online in a way that they could traced back to the involved parties. And then after I had gotten whatever advice I sought, I would delete the profile.

Epytropos -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (9/1/2011 1:11:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit As an adult, Did you feel differently as a child? [;)] As to your question, unless it was a completely anonymous situation I wouldn't want my business aired in a public forum. On CM where there are persistent usernames and a small enough community that people know who is with whom I would have an issue with it. If it was completely anonymous and she just wanted to get some outside opinions that would be fine with me, whether before or after talking to me about it. There is a reason that the nuts and bolts of my situation are known to no more than one or two other people on this site (or any other), and it's because I am intensely private and don't wish to have things aired. If someone betrayed that commitment to privacy and started sharing my business with the world there would be hell to pay.

CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Publicly discussing relationship with others before partner (9/1/2011 1:21:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss I think that what you are seeing - if I understand the premise of your question - is actually NOT about people and relationships. I think it is about NEW people in this realm trying to get their bearings. When someone joins any new group - be it a dance troupe, a new work place, a new religion - there are always questions of norms. What is ok? What is expected of me? What can I do to make this as smooth as possible? Oh heavens, what was that? Was that right? What are the norms HERE? I'm living where it is perfectly acceptable to ask someone how much you weigh and what your age is and if you are married. These are friendly things. They are ways to get to know you. In MY world, they are not. So when I first got here, I was shocked by the behavior. I went to my expat friends who were here, and I asked them if this was normal and if I should be offended and how should I respond, etc. I DIDN'T go to my boss and say, "um, I know we are in a new relationship, but can you please explain to me why you asked me if I'm married and how old I am?" Of course not. I don't know him that well. I don't want to offend him. I want to be pleasing to him. I want to be a good employee. When we are new to wiitwd, PARTICULARLY people on the submissive side of things, we want to do it RIGHT. We want to be pleasing - it's how many of us are hardwired after all. Questioning someone else's behavior is not generally considered a pleasing thing. What I've noticed as the difference between new subly types and new domly types is this: Domly types: How do I do this?... (information) Subly types: Am I doing this right? (opinion) Sorry I snipped, but I did not want to quote the entire post. Very. Good. Angle. Yes, it was also true for me when I first discovered the BDSM chatrooms. I felt like I was in a foreign country and didn't know the customs. [;)]

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