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RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 7:54:06 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Mentally, we all have to work through our grief alone, but physically it is nice to have people we love to help us. It just takes time to work through our sorrow. It makes me sad that people as young as Cheri have to suffer such a horrible loss, and the fact that her friend was murdered and her body subjected to more indignities makes it worse. It would be horrible to be 18 and have such a shocking exposure to exactly how depraved people can be. Poor Valeries' family must be consumed with grief also. Don't forget to reach out to them. Even a sympathy card helps, even though it seems trite. There is nothing anyone can say or do, but as time goes by, the hurt will lessen. You don't forget, exactly, it just becomes less raw. That's how people are, otherwise our grief would overwhelm us.

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Post #: 21

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 8:43:08 AM

Endivius

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I will extend this piece of insight; it will not be aplicable to everyone, but it certainly applies to me, and so by sharing it, perhaps you will find it does in some part to you as well.

The world is a cruel place. In that cruely, it is indiscriminate, it has no interest in age, race, sex, nothing. But in that chaotic catharsis, it is fair, saint and sinner alike are consumed by it. I have lived a great many horrors in my life, all first hand, and every day, I wake up with those memories. And every night when I close my eyes, they wait to remind me graphically. There is suffering, and there is desperation in our desire to ease it; either it be for ourselves or for those we care for. What you can do, is memoralize those you love and lost, by remembering thier deeds. Remember who they were, and to talk about them with others, share the person and who they were with those you know. I have no illusions that this will be true for everyone, or possibly anyone other than myself. And if it is true for you, wether in whole or in part, remember that you have people to share your burden with, even if only a small fraction of that burden is all you can spare to share. Make it a practice to remember those you loved by how they lived, and not by how they died.

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Post #: 22

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 8:49:27 AM

GreedyTop

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that was awesome, Endi

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Post #: 23

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 11:22:05 AM

tiggerspoohbear

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I'm so sorry for Cheri's and all your loss. This is indeed a most difficult time, but as others have said just being there for her, not saying a word, is helping her. You may not see it, you indeed feel helpless but your very presence is what is getting her through this. As young as all of you are, I have never seen more strength of spirit, more love, more living than most of us can every hope to achieve in a lifetime.

Know that we are here for all of you, that most of the people on these boards care enough to hurt with you too. We've all lost a bit of our humanity knowing there are such people out there, that it's affected one of ours directly. We hold you in our thoughts, in our prayers, in our spirituality, in our heart of hearts. We all hurt for Cheri, for Suze, for Hannah, for you Heather. In our own way we grieve with you too at the loss of innocence, the loss of joy, the loss of a dear one, the loss of a FRIEND.

Chantal

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Post #: 24

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 11:37:56 AM

LadyPact

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Heather, supporting a person when they are grieving certainly isn't "nothing". No, you can't changed what happened. It's a terrible thing and I'm sure that Cheri's head (as well as the rest of you) is just reeling right now.

You really are doing more than you know. Just by being there to support her and love her. Just think of how much worse this would be if Cheri didn't have that right now. If you can see that, then you'll see that you really *are* doing something, just by being a part of her world.

I'm terribly sorry for the loss.

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Post #: 25

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 3:44:25 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

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I have been in this situation many times. I too lost friends to violence when I was a young woman. Being there with her, just being quiet with her, listening to her are all of the things that will help her to get through this. There is no understanding of this kind of violence, the pain is great for those close to the victim. Loving people around, just being, is the best thing ever. You're a wonderful girlfriend, Heather. This is what you are doing for her.

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Post #: 26

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 3:47:51 PM

JstAnotherSub

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All you can do is hug them and say I am sorry for your loss. It does not get easier as you get older and see more senseless death, but you do realize that sometimes, just being there is doing all you can do. And it is enough.

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Post #: 27

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 4:06:09 PM

Termyn8or

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"Cheri's friend was murdered, she had her head bashed in on her first day of college. She attended her first class and then was killed. And to make it even worse it seems that the first people to find her body lit it on fire rather than call the police. "

What ?

Wonder no more why I'm half fucking crazy. Just be there, that's all you can do. You can't make her eat, or sleep or smile. Give it time. Give her time. Give her your time. You are not helpless, you just don't happen to be a god.

T^T

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 28

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 4:41:54 PM

SoulAlloy

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I am sorry for both of your loss.

You are doing a wonderful thing by being there, all i will say is to look after yourself too.

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Post #: 29

RE: Helpless - 8/27/2011 5:58:37 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Late to this thread... what a horrible tragedy! Heather, you are being a good friend. It's all anyone could ask for.

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Post #: 30

RE: Helpless - 8/28/2011 5:23:09 AM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

Be there. Share the pain. That's all. It'll have to do. For now.

In spare moments, prepare for what thoughts and emotions the two of you may face when the culprit is found, as those can be intense.

Hugs,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 31

RE: Helpless - 8/28/2011 8:02:02 PM

SuzeCheri

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Thank you all for your well wishes and condolences, I am with the people I love and who love me and I'll get through OK.

C.

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Post #: 32

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 7:47:30 AM

0ldhen

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From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
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You all have my sympathy.

Once things settle a bit, perhaps you all can find a way to make something positive happen. When the catch the perp, attend the trial, write letters to the prosecutor, volunteer at a group that provides support for the families who are victims of such crimes. Attend every freakin parole hearing the perp ever has, and campaign, campaign, campaign, to keep the bastard behind bars.

These are some of the things we did as a family 18 years ago when my brother was slain. It helps.

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Post #: 33

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 11:22:24 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

I have a problem I am struggling with. Cheri needed us, and there was nothing we could do, all we could do was sit and watch her suffer.

A good friend of Cheri's was brutally and senselessly murdered on Tuesday. The whole case is horrific and just keeps getting worse. And there is nothing I can do, no way to take away her pain. No way to make her world whole again. There is nothing I can do.

I feel useless. I feel like a failure as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as a human. Somebody I love is in enormous pain, and I am powerless to do a thing about it. I'm helpless.

I'm not asking for ways to help her, there are none really, and we've done and will continue to do what little we can. What I am wondering, is how do you deal with that realization that you are powerless, that you can do nothing, despite wanting and needing to do something with every fibre of your being?

Dearest Heather and crew, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Heather.......I believe that just you, being you, is exactly what Cheri needs from you. My only addition is to make sure you take good care of you too. But I believe Hannah will make sure of that. As a mother who has watched her teen and adult children suffer horribly at times, completely unable to 'make it okay' I understand how painful this is for you. Just keep loving her. My kids tell me that is more than enough.

Cheri.....Again, I am so very sorry for your pain.

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Post #: 34

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 11:39:44 AM

Buzzzz

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all you need to do is let her know you are there.

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Post #: 35

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 12:23:36 PM

Marc2b

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I just got back from a sojourn and was most distressed to see this. I’m sitting here trying to think of some magic words that will make all this pain go away but, of course, none exist. So I will just say this:

Cheri… my deepest condolences. I do not wish to sound pessimistic but I do not believe in stupid words like “closure” in situations like this (there is no closure on someone who was part of your life). There will always be a presence of an absence in your life… but that does not mean you will not know joy again.

Heather: One of the most maddening things about death is the frustrating feeling of utter powerlessness to do anything about it. We want to make things right, to put things back the way they were… but, of course, we can’t. But while we may be powerless to undo what has been done, we are not powerless to offer comfort and help with healing. Just by doing what you have been doing, being a shoulder to cry on, you are admirably fulfilling the old adage about a friend in need.

To whatever gods there may be: I demand justice! Make the sick, self obsessed, ego-stroking, heartless, evil fucktards who did this suffer! Make them feel what they have inflicted upon their victim and all who loved her! And if you do not do this? Then what good are you? Go fuck yourselves you useless fucktards!

To the sick, self obsessed, ego-stroking, heartless, evil fucktards who did this: Be it the justice of the gods or the justice of man I hope you get full measure of what you deserve. A life time in prison in which your ass is traded for cigarettes on a daily basis would be good. Even better, I hope you develop an actual conscious someday and truly see what you have done, truly see yourself for what you are, truly see yourself as others see you… I can think of no worse punishment than that.

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Post #: 36

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 12:36:42 PM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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wow, Marc.. I LIKE that!!

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Post #: 37

RE: Helpless - 8/29/2011 1:33:16 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

What I am wondering, is how do you deal with that realization that you are powerless, that you can do nothing, despite wanting and needing to do something with every fibre of your being?

If you are like me, you will do the very best you can...and still be beating yourself up over every little thing. What you should have done but didn't think to do at the time; the times you said the wrong thing by mistake and made things worse.

Carin died several years ago and still I have some survivor's guilt that bites me when I am least expecting it to. The slightest feelings of guilt over the most stupid things can trigger panic attacks, and I am finally starting to get a grip on those again.

If either of you need to, turn to hospice to help with your grieving and to help you cope with feeling so helpless in all of this. Sometimes it is like being swept along by some tide...while in pitch darkness. I knew I needed to swim, to do something, but I didn't know in which direction to go and I felt so lost. If your sense of security is shot to H, because this could easily have been you or Cheri...take self-defense classes. Maybe you and Cheri can take them together.

Her death was senseless and so very wrong. I am still having a WTF moment over the people who set her body on fire...this is not a normal reaction and I have to wonder if they were involved, knew the murderer and were trying to destroy evidence. Either way, what they did was very messed up.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 38

RE: Helpless - 8/30/2011 11:26:17 AM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Marc2b

To whatever gods there may be: I demand justice! Make the sick, self obsessed, ego-stroking, heartless, evil fucktards who did this suffer! Make them feel what they have inflicted upon their victim and all who loved her! And if you do not do this? Then what good are you? Go fuck yourselves you useless fucktards!

I think it bears thinking about what I've put in my tagline.

This is our world, and we have the freedom to act. The flip side to being free to act, is that others are also free to act. And some of those will act in horrible ways. To give up liberty for safety may seem tempting, but it ultimately sells us all short. An overprotective parent does more harm to a child than they realize. There is no reason to imagine deities are more inclined to damage our spirits than parents are. Some may be inclined that way, but I certainly wouldn't appreciate major interference in strictly human affairs. It makes a lot more sense to complain about hurricanes and the like, as those aren't a matter of human actions against other humans, both parties equipped with free will.

I don't see you telling the police or politicians to go fuck themselves as useless, despite the fact that if you hand over all your freedom to them, they can prevent such things from happening. Maybe because that feels less theoretical, makes us feel the choking grip of control too keenly. But, really, is there any being you would hand over your free will to in exchange for safety?

I prefer to live with occasional horrors and periodic grief, rather than having someone else live for me, or dictate how I may live.

I could go into the theology of it, as well, but this isn't a place for that unless Heather or Cheri want that.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to Marc2b)

Post #: 39

RE: Helpless - 8/30/2011 12:25:55 PM

Marc2b

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quote:

I think it bears thinking about what I've put in my tagline.

This is our world, and we have the freedom to act. The flip side to being free to act, is that others are also free to act. And some of those will act in horrible ways. To give up liberty for safety may seem tempting, but it ultimately sells us all short. An overprotective parent does more harm to a child than they realize. There is no reason to imagine deities are more inclined to damage our spirits than parents are. Some may be inclined that way, but I certainly wouldn't appreciate major interference in strictly human affairs. It makes a lot more sense to complain about hurricanes and the like, as those aren't a matter of human actions against other humans, both parties equipped with free will.

I don't see you telling the police or politicians to go fuck themselves as useless, despite the fact that if you hand over all your freedom to them, they can prevent such things from happening. Maybe because that feels less theoretical, makes us feel the choking grip of control too keenly. But, really, is there any being you would hand over your free will to in exchange for safety?

I prefer to live with occasional horrors and periodic grief, rather than having someone else live for me, or dictate how I may live.

I could go into the theology of it, as well, but this isn't a place for that unless Heather or Cheri want that.

You are reading way too much into that third paragraph. It is primarily a rant against the unfairness and indifference of the universe (a young woman has lost her life at the hands of sadistic self-centered shitheads, and we are powerless to correct the matter). It is not a statement of my religious beliefs.

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Post #: 40

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