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HeatherMcLeather -> Helpless (8/26/2011 9:12:24 PM)

I have a problem I am struggling with. Cheri needed us, and there was nothing we could do, all we could do was sit and watch her suffer.

A good friend of Cheri's was brutally and senselessly murdered on Tuesday. The whole case is horrific and just keeps getting worse. And there is nothing I can do, no way to take away her pain. No way to make her world whole again. There is nothing I can do.

I feel useless. I feel like a failure as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as a human. Somebody I love is in enormous pain, and I am powerless to do a thing about it. I'm helpless.

I'm not asking for ways to help her, there are none really, and we've done and will continue to do what little we can. What I am wondering, is how do you deal with that realization that you are powerless, that you can do nothing, despite wanting and needing to do something with every fibre of your being?



GreedyTop -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:18:47 PM)

*hugs to you all*

all I can say is that continuing to be there for her is all you can do.. that's how I handle the feeling of helplessness... just BE there.



myotherself -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:19:15 PM)

I totally understand what she's going through. At the moment I'm dealing with a level of grief I never thought possible. It hurts all the time, and at times it even hurts to breathe.

What is helping me is my friends and my family. Their constant, unfailing love and support is the only thing that keeps me going. When I lose perspective and start to become consumed by my pain, they are the ones that give me the landmarks to cling to so that I don't totally lose myself.

You are not powerless or helpless. You are the most important people in her life right now. She is relying on you to do exactly what you are doing. Without you, trust me she would be in a much worse place than she is now. You just need to keep on doing it.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:22:19 PM)

Sitting with her, heather, is not doing nothing.  It is doing something wonderful, loving, and powerful.  There is a long tradition of sitting with someone in their grief (sitting shiva is what Jewish people do when someone has died). 

There is a beautiful story from the Old Testament of the friends of a man named Job (pronounced Jobe).  He was a holy and righteous man.  He was plagued with terrible things - his children died, he lost everything, he was ill, and here is how Job's friends responded:

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

(NIV)

Do not think that sitting with your friend is doing nothing.  It is bearing witness to something important, something sacred.  It is being available when / if she needs something. 

You can make sure there is easy food for her - some broth, maybe some bread - you can wash her face with a wash cloth, encourage her to have a drink of water, listen, make sure there are tissues, pay attention when she rages, etc.  Sometimes just being there is more than enough.

best wishes to all of you,
sunshine




angelikaJ -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:22:22 PM)

First, your being there for her is a far cry from doing nothing. It is true it will not set her world right, but love and support will help give her an anchor while time helps her heal from this horrible thing.

And she is well loved ... so there is that, and it is not nothing.

Powerlessness is a very difficult thing.
We all want to be able to ease the hurts and griefs in our loved ones lives and when we see them suffer it tears at us and makes us feel quite useless.

I try to remind myself that this isn't about me.
Wanting to fix things and make it right, while often motivated by love can sometimes be a very ego driven thing.

Sometimes the very best thing you can do is to simply be with that person and remain as rpesent as possible, and remember that no matter how it may seem, you are not doing nothing.



Hillwilliam -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:24:10 PM)

Stay available heather. Eventually, the dam will break and if you are there it will help tremendously. She probably isn't ready for that hug you have for her just yet but it will happen soon.

Everyone grieves differently. Let her be herself and reach out in her own time.



Lockit -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:29:52 PM)

I don't have anything profound to say. Maybe just a few more questions that come to mind. I've been here or there and I was trying to remember how I did it. I'm there now. All I can think is it is a mourning process in itself and you just keep breathing, just keep doing what you do in the moment. Little by little, you go moment to moment and then minute to minute until you don't think of having to do it. Whatever you do in that moment, is what you need to do to get to the next moment and somehow we breath freely again. Maybe some lessons learned and maybe not. I don't know... but it does feel like a mourning process to me.

My heart aches for you, but I've seen the strength in all of you and you will all breath freely again. You will.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:49:52 PM)

Continue to stand by. Times like these not a word needs to be said; your continued presence is enough. Wishing love and comfort to you all. [sm=cute.gif]



NuevaVida -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 9:57:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather
What I am wondering, is how do you deal with that realization that you are powerless, that you can do nothing, despite wanting and needing to do something with every fibre of your being?


Loving someone is not doing nothing.  I recognize that sometimes that's all I can do, that sometimes people have to go through their own shit, and that I will also be there when there is something more tangible I can do, too.

Coming out of the darkest year of my life, I looked back and realized it was the love of others that got me through it.  I had to go through the suffering, the life lessons, the personal changes...but as cliche as it sounds, their love (friends/family) enabled me to.  Sometimes the greatest things we do for each other are not tangible at all. Sometimes it's simply being.



Arpig -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 10:00:37 PM)

I don't have anything deep to say either, but just a story from my past. When I was 10 my eldest brother was killed in a hit and run. We found out while we were on a camping vacation. My sister and brothers and I went to the beach. We didn't swim, we didn't talk, much like Job's friends in Sunny's post, we just sat. We'd look at eachother now and then, and smile through our tears because we knew we weren't alone. There was nothing we could do, we were kids and our world had come undone, our brother who had always been the leader of us all, our instigator and the heart of our family was gone out of the blue with no warning. Our parents who had always handled every crisis were reduced to helpless tears and in their grief could do nothing for us .

So we just sat, for hours in silence together.

I can't explain how or why, but it helped. Just knowing that they were there made it, not better, not OK, not even comprehensible, just somehow survivable, bearable.

Like the others have said, just be there, be available. Just be with her, just love her, no need to say or do anything, just be. It may seem like nothing, but it is far from nothing, it is everything.



tj444 -> RE: Helpless (8/26/2011 10:26:51 PM)

I am sorry Cheri is hurting. I know how that feels for you, when i was younger, seeing my mother in that kind of pain, she would cry which would make me cry. I cried for her and wished there was something i could do, just as you want to with Cheri.

You just keep being there for her, helping her thru this the best you can. Even though you wish you could do more, being there for her now when she needs love, goodness, kindness around her, that is not being helpless at all. You are doing the most important thing you could and thats let her feel your love to give her the strength she needs. In a similar way as someone with a broken leg needs a crutch to stand, walk with, function, you are the support and strength she needs as she heals over time.



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 12:10:12 AM)

Thank you all, I guess we are doing all that we can, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
Hanners has told me basically the same thing as you did, that there is nothing concrete to do. Just love her. I do that, I really do.

Thanks, you guys are the best.



Epytropos -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 12:34:52 AM)

Express it. Art, music,whatever. It doesn't have to be good, just creating will be cathartic. At least, it is for me.



snappykappy -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 12:53:20 AM)

i found myself when my father and mother and oldest brother died (did not get to make it back for my fathers funeral because i was waiting for the call for my transplant) but i did not greive their loss but honored their life here on earth and what i was taught by them and hopefully will be able to carry their teachings on.

cheri will get through this

there is a film called the hyphen which is extremely awesome which celebrates ones life from when they were born till when they died and what was done in between those dates and that is the hyphen

http://www.thedashmovie.com/

this is something i believe with all my heart whether a person believes in God or not that is their decision and i will respect their decision

This is God. Today I will be handling all of your problems for you. I
do NOT need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. And,
remember....if life happens to deliver a situation to you that you
cannot handle, do NOT attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in
the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.. I will get to it in My time.
All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the
matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.
Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life
now. Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you.
You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day. God has seen you struggling, God says it's
over

Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
...Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you, I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.

You see, all is well

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:


God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm
And safe from harm
For they're so close to me..
...
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew..

Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits 'send'.

When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to IamGodOnline.com



Termyn8or -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 1:03:40 AM)

Heather, you know you are a bitch, but still... And even after the shit you said, oh wait was that Hannah ? fuck.

Whatever this is the most powerful medicine period. Get into it..........

One of you was going to die first. Unless you both walked off a fucking bridge at the same time, one of you is going to make the other go through  that. They got you, as a friend, would you rather "get" them and make them suffer the loss of you ? People die, who dies first dies best, and that ain't no joke. You saw them die, you did them a favor in that they did not see you die. Same with your Parents. See them die, if they see you die it is worse than death for them. This may not be as bad, but it is the same thing.

You who dies first dies best. The dead don't care. Only the living grieve. I applied this t people who lost Parents for many years and eased their pain, but it applies here too, they are dead, you didn't put them through the ordeal of watching you die. You did something for them in a way. Get it ?

Now that is something that age tells you. I know many more dead people than alive. (and no I didn't fucking kill them)

T^T




HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 2:10:10 AM)

Thank you snappy, I'll try to take something out of that, but at this particular point in time I have very little in the way of faith in the benevolence of any God, should one exist.

Cheri's friend was murdered, she had her head bashed in on her first day of college. She attended her first class and then was killed. And to make it even worse it seems that the first people to find her body lit it on fire rather than call the police. That is just wrong in every possible manner. Sorry, but right now any God that would allow that is not one in whom I would put any trust or would look to for any comfort. He certainly didn't handle things very well for Valerie.

And Termy, I guess thanks, but I simply don't see how any of that is in any way applicable to my situation.



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 6:42:44 AM)

Oh God Heather that is just beyond horrific. My heart goes out to her and Cheri if you read this know that you are not alone in this. Not only do you have Hannah, Heather, and most of all Suze, you have us. Please feel free to get in touch if you want to talk.

Love ya,

Zeph aka #7



DarkSteven -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 7:09:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

Thank you all, I guess we are doing all that we can, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
Hanners has told me basically the same thing as you did, that there is nothing concrete to do. Just love her. I do that, I really do.

Thanks, you guys are the best.


Heather, you're doing all that you can.  Nobody could expect more of you.  The only other thing I'll add it to show patience.  Cheri will take a while to emerge from whatever emotional state she's in.  Don't worry - what you're doing now means a helluva lot to her, but she won't show any evidence of it for a while.



MHAP -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 7:19:48 AM)

all hope is not lost, as long as she has friends and people that love her, and the same is true for you.



sirsholly -> RE: Helpless (8/27/2011 7:35:09 AM)

I strongly suggest a quick read of the five stages of grief by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. Then when emotions ease, a not so quick read.
http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm This link is to a brief summery the stages.

Whereas Dr. Kübler-Ross origonally wrote these stages for those dealing with the death of a loved one, they apply to many other situations as well. Cheri is grieving deeply, so these stages naturally apply to her, but they apply to you as well. Grief is loss. Cheri lost a dear friend, but you feel you lost your ability to help and heal your friend (incorrectly, might i add?).

You want to help Cheri through the grieving process, but i urge you not to ignore the fact that you need to heal as well. Be as good to yourself as you are to her.



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