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I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 7:42:52 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I did not realize how bitter my son is towards his dad til just now. It has me in tears, because I feel responsible for it some how. I picked the jackass.

And chose to stay with him way too long, because I thought it was the right thing.

Anyone else gone through this? I know it just is what it is, but my sons words have really hit me hard for some reason.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 7:52:10 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		Hard to say whether to blame you, since i'm not sure what the "jackass" did to provoke such feelings. i have some pretty serious resentment against my own parents for stuff they did, too. i think almost everybody does. But i'd be willing to bet that the jackass in question did shit that hurt you, too, not just your son. You thought you were doing the right thing. Doubtless you made many sacrifices for your son. Hopefully he will get over his bitterness in time.

pam

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 7:57:30 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		{{{JAS}}} Yes.. and this, too, shall pass. Allow your son his feelings, encourage his expression of them.. but you are not responsible for more than your part. This is between father and son. I would urge caution in speaking of the father in front of the son. Head nods and hand squeezes are usually sufficient. When ever this crops up with my children, it's very difficult for me to self-gag, but I do try even though they are adults with children and lives of their own. My instinct is to nurture, to protect and to jump in front of buses for them.. but in the end, our children, generally, decide for themselves the quality of their parents, so just hang in there, be there and try to maintain an aura of calmness on the issue in front of your son. Good luck, sweetie.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:00:40 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I have never spoken ill of his dad that I can recall. It has been 9 years since he left, my son was 14 then, 23 now. When he left, he sent child support regularly, as ordered, but he never came to see my son.

I have no anger towards the ex for leaving me, he did me a favor, but the way he and his family acted like my son didn't exist after he left, well, let's just say seeing my kid this hurt, which comes out as anger, makes me wanna go kick some fucking ass.

eta thanks yall

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 7/27/2011 8:01:04 PM >

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:02:29 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Personal responsibility is not about fault or blame.
You had reasons for staying.
You did not deserve bad because of that choice.
I do not know if your son is an adult or a child or what stage of development he is in.
Clearly he is in pain. In time maybe he may come to know the truth of "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time".

I am sorry for your pain... and his.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:08:41 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		It will blow over.   Things often seem more intense when they first surface. 

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:10:57 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		"I did not realize how bitter my son is towards his dad til just now."

What did he do ? Want some stories ? Was the little baby ever in fear for his life with a .357 Magnum pointing right at his head ? If not tell him to shut the fuck up. And what's more if he want's to fix it, tell him just invent a time machine. While you're at it you might sat that you might just throw his ass out on the street. (doesn't matter if he's under 18, you just say he ran away)

Did he get raped, killed or starve to death ? If not fuck him. Don't beat yourself up over it. Things in the present, well OK, those are worth discussing, but shit like this is a waste of time. Refuse to waste your time.

T^T

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:13:35 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Age 23 ..kids always hate the parents- everything was so unfair!    Check back with him when he is 35, and see what the deal is.    Our culture pushes-  oh my parents were bad to me victemhood. 

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:21:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		my daughter feels this way towards her grandparents, my deceased husband's parents. After he passed away they kept in contact with us for a little while but when their next grandchild was born a few years later they basically shut off all contact, stopped coming over to see her, returning our calls, emails, etc...

My daughter really loved seeing them and spending time with them and when they just stopped coming round, she became very bitter towards them. She's now almost 20 yrs old and she's thought about trying to contact them again but her anger towards them stops her. I can't say I blame her. While I no longer hate them...I'm indifferent towards them...she still holds a lot of anger towards them. I've encouraged her to talk to them again but she can't get past how they treated her.

It's hard when you see your child hurting in such a manner. I used to blame myself for it all, thinking I should have tried harder to keep them in her life but after so many years I remind myself that they've always had my phone number, they see me around on Facebook, friends and family relay stuff back to them in my hometown and yet they have refused to ever call or email.

You have to remind yourself that it's not your fault, you've done all you can do and reassure your child that the person or person's aren't bad people, just simply have a different way to handle their emotions.

Just be there for your children and really that's all you can do.


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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:28:26 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		YOU are the focal point. They never really needed to meet in the first place.

Harsh ? The harshest, and the realest.

T^T

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:31:25 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		One of us is stoned, or maybe both, but damn if I can make any sense of what you have typed!

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:34:17 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		^ he said it is always darkest before the dawn. 

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:38:14 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		I mean that YOU take the hotseat. Fuck people who would ignore their family, you don't want them around anyway.

Grandchildren in my family - if they were not seen in too long, steps were taken to rectify that. Nobody EVER ignored the children. What kind of fucking family is this ?

Sorry to be harsh but that is about the only way to really put it.

T^T

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:41:19 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Not going through it, but have in the past.  You haven't done anything wrong, caused it, or anything else. 

There is a bright side to it.  This means you're the "good" parent in his eyes.  That's definitely worth something. 


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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:42:47 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Not going through it, but have in the past.  You haven't done anything wrong, caused it, or anything else. 

There is a bright side to it.  This means you're the "good" parent in his eyes.  That's definitely worth something. 



Yeah.  Take the boy to Disneyland and buy him some cotton candy.   !!!

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:44:00 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		I have had this "sort" of issue with my son many times. He is 14 and carrys things against both his father and I that for a long time I believed would never heal. The only thing I can suggest, and no it doesn't fix everything, is to remind him the way I did my son. Yes I picked the bad guy. I made him your dad. But without having picked the "wrong guy" I wouldn't now have the right son. No matter what ever happens. No matter how much you hold against me. Even if you hate me. I will always love you. That is the one thing that will always be true.

This is something very hard for a parent to deal with, and I wish you the best of luck and blessings.

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We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 8:52:50 PM   
DarthVaderOfLove


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/17/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

{{{JAS}}} Yes.. and this, too, shall pass. Allow your son his feelings, encourage his expression of them.. but you are not responsible for more than your part. This is between father and son. I would urge caution in speaking of the father in front of the son. Head nods and hand squeezes are usually sufficient. When ever this crops up with my children, it's very difficult for me to self-gag, but I do try even though they are adults with children and lives of their own. My instinct is to nurture, to protect and to jump in front of buses for them.. but in the end, our children, generally, decide for themselves the quality of their parents, so just hang in there, be there and try to maintain an aura of calmness on the issue in front of your son. Good luck, sweetie.
You should listen to her. 

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 9:14:29 PM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		hey, don't be kicking yourself over it, i mean so you picked a guy who turned out to be a fuck up, how the fuck were you supposed to know how he'd turn out. that's the risk we all take when we play with love.

so you stayed with him longer than you should have, in hindsight, so fucking what, that's nothing to blame yourself over either, you made the decision you thought fucking best given what you knew at the time. like we could ask any more of a person, i mean really.

so your son has issues, so what, that's his fucking cross, not yours. you aren't responsible for his feelings, he is. if i were you i'd just take heart knowing that your kid trusts you enough to be fucking open and honest with you about shit that has got to be painful to him. i'd say you did pretty good girl, pretty fucking good.

now go eat some ice cream or get drunk or something.


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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 9:50:00 PM   
shorty21


Posts: 126
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: Des Moines
Status: offline 		my dad left when i was twelve and younger bro was ten. Thirteen years later my dad will not speak to me after repeated attempts by me to establish contact. My 23 year old brother blames me for his failed pothead alcoholic life. This is bull and i just let him rant and remind him i did not make our father cheat. Still i take the brunt of his anger even resulting in drunken physical outbursts.

Try to be supportive in healthy bounds. Once it reaches an unhealthy level suggest a counseler or group for him to vent to.

Being the kid in this situation trust me... It will dawn on him one day that you are only responsible for your part....

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:04:11 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Heck the kid doesn't hold anything against me as far as I can tell. Even if I jokingly say I am a failure as a mom, over some silly shit, he always tells me how strong he thinks I am and how great I am.

It's all in me. I think I wish I woulda found the strength years earlier, but such is life.

I will be over it tomorrow I hope. Some times, I think we just gotta think on shit like this, so we don't make the same mistakes again. Thanks for the thoughts and kind words.

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