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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:09:39 PM

gungadin09

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On the upside, a lot of people here have said that their parents' mistakes taught *them* how to be good parents. From that point of view, you may have done the kid a favor in the end.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:11:46 PM

shorty21

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i know where an abandoned farm is.... Could have shovels and volunteers in no time... Just say the word...

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:33:16 PM

Iamsemisweet

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He has a right to be angry at his dad, but you shouldn't feel guilty. You stayed.

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 7/27/2011 10:34:11 PM >

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The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:41:01 PM

0ldhen

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Remind him of this...The guy did one thing soooo perfectly......he cannot be a total loser....He gave me you, my son...........

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 10:54:39 PM

DavidLee44UK

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

I did not realize how bitter my son is towards his dad til just now. It has me in tears, because I feel responsible for it some how. I picked the jackass.

And chose to stay with him way too long, because I thought it was the right thing.

Anyone else gone through this? I know it just is what it is, but my sons words have really hit me hard for some reason.

just my mom divorced my dad many yrs ago

my dad used to be a teacher, and usedd to talk to me and my bro like naughty school kids all the time, mum used to defend him

but when they divorced said he talked to her same way

he only sees me and my bro once every 4 months if that

hell phone me up and say ill be round in two hours

ive tried explaining that i can't do that i need more time

still haven't got xmas present lol

its easier sometimes just not to bother

and when he divorced my mum he made an issue over the money so much so she gave him extra to shut him up

they from day 1 never talked

you will always get bad fathers but i know friends whose mothers act same or worse

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 11:10:35 PM

DavidLee44UK

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavidLee44UK

quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

I did not realize how bitter my son is towards his dad til just now. It has me in tears, because I feel responsible for it some how. I picked the jackass.

And chose to stay with him way too long, because I thought it was the right thing.

Anyone else gone through this? I know it just is what it is, but my sons words have really hit me hard for some reason.

just my mom divorced my dad many yrs ago

my dad used to be a teacher, and usedd to talk to me and my bro like naughty school kids all the time, mum used to defend him

but when they divorced said he talked to her same way

he only sees me and my bro once every 4 months if that

hell phone me up and say ill be round in two hours

ive tried explaining that i can't do that i need more time

still haven't got xmas present lol

its easier sometimes just not to bother

and when he divorced my mum he made an issue over the money so much so she gave him extra to shut him up

they from day 1 never talked

his mom my grandmother is 99 and on deaths door i get nothing so have to rely on my auntie phoning my mum

sadly my bro is getting same way infuriates mum

you will always get bad fathers but i know friends whose mothers act same or worse

my 99 yr old grandmother his mom is on deathbed and have to rely on my auntie phoning mom for news

sadly bro is acting same way infuriates my mom

< Message edited by DavidLee44UK -- 7/27/2011 11:12:36 PM >

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/27/2011 11:11:11 PM

wittynamehere

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub
I picked the asshole...

Wash your finger.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 1:54:43 AM

Termyn8or

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"Yeah. Take the boy to Disneyland and buy him some cotton candy. !!! "

No, take his ass to the Kennedy space center or something, like I went to. And then tell him why the motherfucker is shut down.

T^T

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 5:59:22 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

I did not realize how bitter my son is towards his dad til just now. It has me in tears, because I feel responsible for it some how. I picked the jackass.

And chose to stay with him way too long, because I thought it was the right thing.

Anyone else gone through this? I know it just is what it is, but my sons words have really hit me hard for some reason.

Yes, I believe a lot of us have gone through this.

Guilt......it's part of life. We just have to learn to let it go.....cannot change what we did yesterday. Only today and tomorrow. Some days tomorrow is questionable.

Another thing that helps......consider that NO ONE has a perfect life. We ALL have challenges of some sort. It's how we deal with them that matters. Teach your kids how to deal with their challenges in a positive way. Don't allow them to use their challenges as excuses for dumbassery. Teach them that we all have our shit to deal with and help them deal in ways that make them stronger.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 6:46:13 AM

pahunkboy

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OP,

males have the tendency to hold feelings in. This can result in a huge blow up later. Let him work thru his feelings. In my experience it is when a guy stops talking- that it is time to worry.... he we work this out in his own time frame. Be a good listener, but do not grill him. Time heals all wounds.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 7:17:47 AM

JstAnotherSub

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quote:

i know where an abandoned farm is.... Could have shovels and volunteers in no time... Just say the word...

I would never, but let's not mention that to the kid this week-lol.

quote:

Remind him of this...The guy did one thing soooo perfectly......he cannot be a total loser....He gave me you, my son...........

I do that every time I can. It does make him smile!

quote:

Wash your finger.

So glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read this!

quote:

Another thing that helps......consider that NO ONE has a perfect life. We ALL have challenges of some sort. It's how we deal with them that matters. Teach your kids how to deal with their challenges in a positive way. Don't allow them to use their challenges as excuses for dumbassery. Teach them that we all have our shit to deal with and help them deal in ways that make them stronger.

I try to do this. He did have a charmed life until a couple of years before his dad left, then my aunt was murdered, his paw paw died, we had 8 other deaths in the family, his nanna died (my mom) then his dad left, dads sister died 3 weeks after that, and his grandma(dads mom) died a month after that!

All of that happened in about 2 1/2 years, and, while I try to not let him use it as an excuse, I think it did fuck his head up bad. I know it did mine!

Funny thing, in a morbid kind of way, when his dad left, his dad told me I had kinda nutted up after my mom died. I did I reckon. I took care of her for years, doing everything for her, brought her home to die, and was there in home hospice with her for weeks, then held her hand as she took her last breath. It was rough on me.

He could not understand it because he had never lost anyone he cared for. 3 weeks after he left, his sister died, then a month later, his mom died. I went to the funerals and actually sat and held his hand, looking at the first tears I had ever seen him shed in 20 years. It hurt me so bad to see him hurting, I didn't even say the cruel thing that was going through my mind, which was "Do ya get it now asshole?"

Karma or coincidence? Who knows. I know I hate that he had to learn that life lesson in such a harsh way.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 7:27:13 AM

pahunkboy

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Show me the posters on this board who did NOT date an asshole.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 8:38:14 AM

DesFIP

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The problem with him being this bitter is that it is hurting him. Holding all that negative emotion always does. You don't have room for happiness when you're filled with bitterness. Just like you can't fill a glass with juice if it's already filled with water. I would strongly suggest he gets some short term help talking it out with a professional. Not for the sake of his father, but for his sake. He needs to pour out the bitterness from his glass so he can refill it with happiness.

Mine was 16 when all the anger started to come out. He spent six months talking to a male therapist and released a lot of it. Having already dealt with that pent up anger is making the growth process he's doing now easier.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 8:50:33 AM

pahunkboy

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Alot of people had dads who were away. Or parents who were not fair.

He needs to feel and talk this out- and then get over it. Life at 23, is not the same as at age 35.   When you hold negativity in- it can weaken the immune system.

It is nothing that your son did- at times I felt that my dad wanted the all American boy.   Anything my parents did- my view changed from age 23 to age 35.

Life is full of twists and turns.

Term had a good post here- in that there are people far worse off.

BTW- many MANY people have flaws.... bad ones.   That is life and the process of growing.

When I held pain in - it came out in other ways which derailed my life.   When I dealt with it and got over it- that friction stopped.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 9:33:29 AM

Termyn8or

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"Remind him of this...The guy did one thing soooo perfectly......he cannot be a total loser....He gave me you, my son........... "

I like that. Now I will be calm. Long time ago my Mother revealed to me a secret - that my Parents are human. OMG I couldn't believe it ! The Master and Goddess of the universe were just, just folks like me ?

Remember the official story of an American inventor who supposedly was pulled up into a train by his ears and therefore became deaf ? Bullshit, can you imagine a scenario like that ? Somebody probably beat the shit out of the kid and that's why he was trying to get on the train in the first place. The good old days were good, but not perfect. Daddies still went to jail and hookers still had kids. People came out of these hard times and made a name for themselves. They learned, learned more and eventually taught. Sometimes they taught the whole world.

Strife, poverty, a broken home, these things are bad of course. But not an excuse. Teach the kid to read and givum books. Good books on science and all that cool shit. Feedum once in a while.

My Mother picked an asshole, but he had some redeeming qualities. Errrr, maybe I'm not the best example.......but the point is you are not limited by your Parents. The only way that can happen is from lack of teaching, and remember, if a door is open, that means NOBODY closed it. If a light is on, that means NOBODY shut it off.

Fuck the past, don't let it fuck you.

T^T

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 9:49:07 AM

erieangel

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I know where you're coming from. Should you blame yourself? No way. If your ex never even came to see his son after you two split, that is the fault of your ex. Allow your son to have his feelings of anger and bitterness. Help him deal with what an asshole his father is and maybe encourage him to go talk to his and ask flat out why things have been this way. Your son may not like the answer he's given, but it might help him. Even knowing that his dad is total loser at this point could be therapeutic because it will validate your son's feelings. Sometimes when have anger or bitterness over something, we aren't sure our feelings are appropriate.

I never knew my dad, he left when before I was 3. Over the years he was in and out of my life for brief periods, saying how much he loved me, etc. But he never stayed around. When I became an adult, I ran into him one day as I was shopping with my kids and the sperm donor decided he should be able to be grandpa. I thought about for a few days, talked to my counselor, and then told the sperm donor that I didn't want him around my kids. They'd been through enough and didn't need a him pretending to be a grandpa and then abandoning them once they got used to having him around. The man didn't say much, but his 35 year old girlfriend lectured me about one day wishing I'd given him yet another chance. And guess what, when I heard he'd died, I asked my mother why I should care.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 10:09:47 AM

Termyn8or

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"I asked my mother why I should care"

Blood is thicker than water. Axle grease is thicker than blood.

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 10:19:44 AM

LaTigresse

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My father is clueless about the humans he fathered. My younger siblings don't even know the guy and do not want to. There is a lot of hurt, anger, resentment in various individuals. My father and mother never made an effort to be a part of my kids lives. It's likely they wouldn't even recognize them immediately without an introduction. My kids do not want their kids around my father, or their own father. It is quite possible that my mother will never meet them.

What matters is the people that are a part of your/their daily life. The people that do love you/them.

As an addition........I have to be honest, the only reason I would attend any funeral for my parents would be for my siblings. The parents I thought I knew when I was a child are, in essence, already dead.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 7/28/2011 10:24:47 AM >

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: I picked the asshole... - 7/28/2011 5:54:53 PM

erieangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

"I asked my mother why I should care"

Blood is thicker than water. Axle grease is thicker than blood.

T^T

My mother was married 4 times. The sperm donor was her first. My "dad" was her second for he was the who raised me. Husbands three and four came when I was a teen and an adult, so they were never even father figures in my eyes.

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