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Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 6:40:20 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		By this I mean those who have kids that are raised.   I want to know if kids are costly after they are raised.    It is hard for someone who is not a parent to understand.

But are you ever really "done" with raising a kid?

What expenses have you paid out that you were not planning to?

Can this also apply to grandkids?

At what age did the expenses stop?


I was watching tv tonight and a parent put a mortgage on his home to help the kid save her home.   I thought that was a nice gesture- but possibly foolish.

If you do shell out extra cash- does it ever resolve?
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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 6:56:49 PM   
MstrDennynSlave


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes it stops and sometimes it doesnt. My daughter left her husband and moved back home with her two young girls. They stayed with me for a little over a year. Then she found her own place. She is doing quite well now. My other daughter, I'm helping out whenever I can. She has been fighting for almost 2 years to get her SSI back. Before she turned 18, the person that was her case manager didnt get the forms filled out and turned back in to continue her SSI into adulthood. She is living with her grandmother, and I help her out by having her babysit my dog when I'm away. which is usually a couple of days a week. You are never "done" raising kids. You will always worry about them, always want to help them, even when they dont want the help. Sometimes when they really need the help, you arent in a position to help them. It tears at your heartstrings during those times.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:05:04 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I put my parents thru the ringer.    The tug at heart strings... hits home.   

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:09:40 PM   
KMsAngel


Posts: 17415
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline 		depends on the kid.

my oldest was instrumental in persuading me to go back to school up here. we share a house and the expenses, but i'm still unemployed and not quite making enough on my student allowance to pay for all my bills. so they pay for my groceries (lucky i'm cheap). when i refuse to get something because it's too expensive, she glares at me and tells me she's sure i paid for stuff for her well past her 'leaving home' years, so she doesn't think it's a burden to help me out a little in this way. however, i don't let her pay any of my other bills. and when i'm gainfully employed, i won't usurp her husband's place as her provider, but i sure as heck plan on spoiling the nearly here grandbaby in many ways :)

my youngest on the other hand, is in her early years of learning to live within her means and hasn't quite gotten past the 'i have money, i can buy it' mind set, although she's learning. even a year on her own now has made a huge difference in how she handles money and bills. she pays all her own bills, has learned how to budget - especially when living with other young house mates, and has watched friends sink completely and have to depend on their parents to bail them. she won't ask me for money as she knows i haven't any, and has offered me money (that she owes, mind you!) when she is able to. even when i was making good money, i wouldn't give her money, i'd take her shopping and get her vegetables and meat, and by then she had learned to be very happy with that :P

my kids will always be my children, no matter how much i'm their friend now in their grown up years, if i am able to help and i don't think it would hurt their experience of learning about life, i'll always do what i can when i can.

my sister on the other hand, has always and will always bail her children out of their financial messes, to the extent of taking over their phone or car payments/actual car, if they need it. she knows she's 'buying their love', but 'can't help herself'. fortunately they're good kids, just slow in growing their independence muscles.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:19:23 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I am an adult child who has (much to my regret AND eternal thankfulness) been financially assisted by my parents, more times than I really want to count.

My Dad has passed, but stepmom helped mewith the moveout ofFL.

Mom, most recently, covered the cost of repairing my car so that I could continue to go to and return from my job.

Mom has always come thru for meinmytimes of deepest need. I HOPE that I will not need tocontinue to have to rely on her, but until this financial mess has gotten sorted, it is ONLY a hope.

I hate it. it is SO unfair to her.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:24:37 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		My kids are both just over 30 now. Financially they have been cut off. I believe I bailed them out of their foolishness enough and feel it is now time for them to solve ALL of their problems. They are both parents and need to take rsponsibility not only for themselves but their children.

It isn't easy telling your kid 'no' when they call and ask for help but it's been good for them. They are both doing well and have matured tremendously over the last few years.

I now have a responsibility for myself. I am 49 and do not want to work my entire life. I also do not want my children having to provide for ME when I can no longer work. My responsibility is to eliminate my debt and create a healthy retirement fund.

And yes, it is AGONY watching your adult children struggle with stuff you cannot 'fix'. Especially when it also involves little people (grandchildren) that you love just as much as you love your children.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 7/24/2011 7:44:40 PM >

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:33:30 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I wish, LaT, that *I* was able to fly solo right now...only god knows how much I wish it..

sadly, I m still trying to play ctchup from stupidity of my younger years. Mom SEES that I *am* working towrds the financial independence I shoulda earned for myself a long time ago...

she told me that as long as I was TRLY working for it, she'd help when she could,, if it ver appears that I saw her as Bank of mom... never again.



I hate that that was a conversation that ever ended up happening. I am SO not happy with mycurrent status.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:37:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have a 20 year old. I can tell you that even though she may be an adult yet she's still my child and there are still expenses.

Is it cheaper for me personally now that she's older? Yes because she's been lucky financially due to her circumstances and she's set financially for awhile and has her own job, own apartment, college paid for etc...so financially I have no concerns at all.

On the other hand I still worry about her probably just as much as I did before. I'm constantly calling her to make sure she made it to work, got home ok especially when she works late shift, when I hear of an accident her way, when I haven't heard from her in awhile, making sure things are ok with her and college, boyfriend and all that stuff that goes along with being a responsible adult.

Now had she not been blessed financially then I would be paying for college, for her living expenses, a car, insurance, apartment rent and whatever else she couldn't afford while on her own. Had that been the case I would not have been able to sell my home and move and be with Master and do the things I've always wanted to do in my life.

My sisters who have adult kids in college are constantly lamenting to me about all the financial problems they are having and have no clue how they are going to afford to pay their mortgage and the next semester of college. There are times they've had to choose between one or the other and sometimes their child has had to skip a semester because of that reason. I feel for them.



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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:41:02 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		My parents help out now and then. And have bailed either myself or my partner out of a jam, but we always pay the assistance back, and we help them when they need it. We're very lucky.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:46:35 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I wish, LaT, that *I* was able to fly solo right now...only god knows how much I wish it..

sadly, I m still trying to play ctchup from stupidity of my younger years. Mom SEES that I *am* working towrds the financial independence I shoulda earned for myself a long time ago...

she told me that as long as I was TRLY working for it, she'd help when she could,, if it ver appears that I saw her as Bank of mom... never again.

I hate that that was a conversation that ever ended up happening. I am SO not happy with mycurrent status.


Greedy, it isn't for any of us to pass judgement on you and your situation. None of us here have a clue as to what the details are. Whatever is going on in your life, how you mother is helping you deal with it........that is your business and between you and your mother.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:46:57 PM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

By this I mean those who have kids that are raised.   I want to know if kids are costly after they are raised.    It is hard for someone who is not a parent to understand.

But are you ever really "done" with raising a kid?

What expenses have you paid out that you were not planning to?

Can this also apply to grandkids?

At what age did the expenses stop?


I was watching tv tonight and a parent put a mortgage on his home to help the kid save her home.   I thought that was a nice gesture- but possibly foolish.

If you do shell out extra cash- does it ever resolve?



My mom was a single mother and worked two jobs to make sure that we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. I've pretty much had a job since I was 13 (detassling corn). When I was 18 it was expected that I was an adult and I would and could take care of myself. It was never really expected by much of anyone that I would go to college or become something. I was expected to be pregnant and a single mother at a young age. So, when I decided that I was going to go to school a big top ten school it was carefully explained to me that I would be expected to figure out the financial terms on my own. Now that I do have multiple degrees and a well paying job the tables have turned and I do quite regularly care for my mom financially. We have had our disagreements and she does not manage her money very well, but she made some incredible sacrifices for me and I can damn well do the same now.

I remember this one time I wanted this beautiful prom dress and I had to have this dress. It was expensive and she probably had to scrimp and save to get me that dress. I didn't understand the financial aspect of it then, but I do now and I know how much that had to hurt us for me to have that dress.

At the same time as someone else said she is always worrying about me. I'm still her baby and I always will be. We live and hour and a half apart and every time I drive home from her house she makes me call her and let her know I got home okay and I'm going to be 30 real quick. Sometimes I tell her stop telling me what to do I'm 30 yrs old and I can make my own decisions! Doesn't mean she's going to stop doing what she's doing.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 7:50:28 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

By this I mean those who have kids that are raised.   I want to know if kids are costly after they are raised.    It is hard for someone who is not a parent to understand.

But are you ever really "done" with raising a kid?

What expenses have you paid out that you were not planning to?

Can this also apply to grandkids?

At what age did the expenses stop?


I was watching tv tonight and a parent put a mortgage on his home to help the kid save her home.   I thought that was a nice gesture- but possibly foolish.

If you do shell out extra cash- does it ever resolve?


I have raised three others and am still raising my last one. While the two boys are both in the military, my spending on them after graduation has actually been almost non-existant. The only thing I insist on paying for are plane tickets when they want to come back here; and even then it's a fight with both of them to let me pay.

My oldest daughter went through med school, and while most of her schooling was taken care of with a trust fund left her by her father, there was some that I picked up ( I paid for her apartment all through med school and her residency, which enabled her to save enough to buy a house afterwards, I bought two cars for her while in med school and through her residency, and I often sent her money for food when she came up short. She once tried to pay me back for the apartment, food, etc, but I told her no. I truly felt that it WAS my job as a parent to do what I did )

With all that said, I can say that for ME, the job of raising kids is never done, not until they put me in the ground. And I am not just talking in a monetary way. Luckily, my late husband left us comfortably off...in that respect, none of them will have to worry about paying for college, etc; in addition to what he left, my job pays exceptionally well, so spending the extra money on my kids is a welcome passtime for me.


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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 8:44:06 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		My sons both got (one is still getting) free and clear college educations. I am hoping that will be the end of their financial dependence, although I have told them both they could live with me if they needed to. I know what is going to happen to all these kids who graduate from college 60 to 90 thousand in debt. What a way to start your adult life. I am just happy we were able to provide better for our sons.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 9:11:18 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I'm an adult child, with no kids of my own.  My mother (dad has passed) does not spend much on me, and pretty much stopped spending anything on me as of the time I moved out at 18 - - despite whether I needed it or not.

If I needed money, it was on loan from her.  She helped me with my legal expenses from my divorce - $15,000.  But on a 3% interest loan, which I am still paying off.  On rare occasion she'll tell me to skip a payment and write it off as paid.  But that's uncommon.

I moved out when I was 18, and back home when I was 20, but had to pay rent.  No free rides with her.  When I was losing my house in foreclosure during my divorce, I asked if she'd help me buy my ex out.  No go.  When my brother almost lost his house, she said "Welcome to apartment life."  Tough?  Yep.  But she's all about teaching us lessons.  It's hard sometimes, and I've borrowed from friends during really hard times.  Then again, she has 5 kids.  She'd go broke if she were always bailing us out of our jams.


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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/24/2011 11:17:38 PM   
LadyRedRose


Posts: 104
Joined: 1/28/2011
Status: offline 		impish, i'm 47 and my mother still makes me call when the kids and i get back home after driving a couple hours. she'll get ticked off if i don't.

as for the op, my parents still help me when they can and i help them when they need it. that's just what our family does. nothing strange about that, it's just the way it goes. same with all of my sibs, we all are there when someone needs us.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 12:49:08 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

By this I mean those who have kids that are raised.   I want to know if kids are costly after they are raised.    It is hard for someone who is not a parent to understand.

But are you ever really "done" with raising a kid?

What expenses have you paid out that you were not planning to?

Can this also apply to grandkids?

At what age did the expenses stop?


I was watching tv tonight and a parent put a mortgage on his home to help the kid save her home.   I thought that was a nice gesture- but possibly foolish.

If you do shell out extra cash- does it ever resolve?


I'm very much with LaT on this matter.  My policy is that they are grown and therefore, need to stand on their own feet.  Not that I wouldn't put a roof over their head if they needed one, but I don't bail them out by sending them cash.  My son is actually the least likely to need it and has honestly never called Me about a money problem since he moved out.  He really is the more responsible of the two, even though he is the younger one. 

My daughter will tell Me about her money issues, but she knows that I'm not bailing her out.  She's managed.  Yes, I will let her struggle a bit.  It was the best lesson that I could teach her about financial responsibility.  She's the one who needs to control her impulses on the matter, which she did when she got her first 'grown up' situation where she found out that it was not something that Mom was going to fix for her.


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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 5:44:21 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

I'm an adult child, with no kids of my own.  My mother (dad has passed) does not spend much on me, and pretty much stopped spending anything on me as of the time I moved out at 18 - - despite whether I needed it or not.

If I needed money, it was on loan from her.  She helped me with my legal expenses from my divorce - $15,000.  But on a 3% interest loan, which I am still paying off.  On rare occasion she'll tell me to skip a payment and write it off as paid.  But that's uncommon.

I moved out when I was 18, and back home when I was 20, but had to pay rent.  No free rides with her.  When I was losing my house in foreclosure during my divorce, I asked if she'd help me buy my ex out.  No go.  When my brother almost lost his house, she said "Welcome to apartment life."  Tough?  Yep.  But she's all about teaching us lessons.  It's hard sometimes, and I've borrowed from friends during really hard times.  Then again, she has 5 kids.  She'd go broke if she were always bailing us out of our jams.



That is interesting that both kids were treated the same.   I noticed with my mom-  us 4 kids- she varied her approach.   Not unfairly-  as far as I know... 

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 6:37:18 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy


That is interesting that both kids were treated the same.   I noticed with my mom-  us 4 kids- she varied her approach.   Not unfairly-  as far as I know... 



There are five of us and when it comes to money, she mostly is the same.  She sticks to her principles, and whether or not I agree with those principles, I respect that she has them and holds herself to them.

I'm more apt to get a loan from her than others are, because I pay them back.  Others have not, so the bank is closed, so to speak.

Regarding my loan from her for my legal issues, I think at the time she was ready to just write the check as a "gift."  But I didn't want money coming between us - we have a great relationship - and I thought if she saw me going to dinner here and there, or doing "wants vs. needs" things, she would come to resent it, feeling like she wrote a check so I could go to dinner with friends.  I would feel weird about doing anything "social" and I didn't want that to be an issue with us.  As I told her, "I don't want to feel like you own me."  So I insisted on making it a loan. 


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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 6:59:30 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My sister and I help out Mom financially a little. (She doesn't really need it; she's just obsessively frugal.) Mom and Dad regularly help my brother, who is disabled.

Mom mentioned taking over brother's finances, to which I am opposed, as he is capable, but doesn't have any real need, as there are lots of safety nets and no consequences. He doesn't mind eating at the Salvation Army if he runs out of money at the end of the month.

Dad will occasionally throw some cash my way unasked. I used to feel resentful about the 7 years of college and fancy wedding my sister received, but have been self-supporting since I was 16 and am long over that.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 11:15:31 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Others have not, so the bank is closed, so to speak.


If only I had a dollar for every time I told a mooch friend "The Bank of KK is CLOSED!"...

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