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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 2:58:47 PM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I wish, LaT, that *I* was able to fly solo right now...only god knows how much I wish it..

sadly, I m still trying to play ctchup from stupidity of my younger years. Mom SEES that I *am* working towrds the financial independence I shoulda earned for myself a long time ago...

she told me that as long as I was TRLY working for it, she'd help when she could,, if it ver appears that I saw her as Bank of mom... never again.

I hate that that was a conversation that ever ended up happening. I am SO not happy with mycurrent status.

Greedy, it isn't for any of us to pass judgement on you and your situation. None of us here have a clue as to what the details are. Whatever is going on in your life, how you mother is helping you deal with it........that is your business and between you and your mother.

I know that LaT (and frankly, if anyone WERE to judge me, all I can say is fuck off), but I thought it couldnt hurt for folks to hear another side to the story of adult children accepting/needing help from their parents...

although, while I'm not convinced that those who may sit in judgement will actually have an AH HA moment, I can still HOPE that something will get through...

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 3:12:59 PM

DesFIP

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Mine's 22, she still lives at home and I'll pay for grad school even if it goes to a PhD. She's taking this year off. The summer she's taking off, her last real free time and then she'll get a job until grad school starts.

If she needs help right after grad school, until she's stable, of course I'll help her.

The Man's oldest finished college and got a great job. He shouldn't need any help financially.
His youngest is working but occasionally needs help for car repairs.

It depends on the kid and the parents. If $10,000 meant nothing to you and everything to them, then why wouldn't you give it?

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 4:20:35 PM

NuevaVida

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GT everyone needs help at some point in their lives, whether financially, physically, emotionally, etc. People just like to measure "success" in monetary terms, but it's limited to do so.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 7:54:13 PM

tiggerspoohbear

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I moved out at 18, worked full-time, paid for my apartment and my bills. I always had a job, food on my table, gas in my car (my own through a bank loan) and a rood over my head. Anything left over was "extra" and either saved or I payed myself a treat.

For the last 6 yrs I have been unable to work due to mental health issues. I get gov't disability, but once I pay my rent and bills, there isn't much left. I'm lucky, and forever grateful that my dad is not only willing to help me, but does so without recrimination. He knows I didn't ask for this, he's well-off and can afford it. Yet I still feel like a mooch when I have to ask for help every month. Believe me, no extras are being bought. No more magazines, or paperbacks, arts and crafts projects or even clothing, the last unless absolutely necessary. I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

My sister is well off financially, no thanks to my BIL passing away 2 1/2 yrs ago. She and my niece are left wanting for nothing and I'm happy for her. My niece's education is covered once she graduates from high school, whatever she chooses to major in.

So Greedy, yes, I completely understand where you're coming from. I never thought that at the age of 48 I'd be relying on anyone but myself to live. Shit happens, and it did to me. I don't wish it on anyone, especially myself, but life goes on and I've learned to make do with what I have.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 11:25:24 PM

shorty21

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This adult child still gets help on occasion.... Usually for a trade. She helps with gas money for work and i clean her kitechen or do the weeks laundry. Never been a free ride persay. Since i was a mom at age 16 i grew up real quick! Job, car, apartment, and food all taken care of by me but sometime i run a bit short. Daddy works and so do i but gas, rent, and other expenses add up so fast and she doesn't mind helping when she can.

Her husband (He is only 8 years older than me and a year younger than Daddy, so it is odd to call him step-dad) just sold me a basically brand new car for $1300 which i know is about $21,500 less than what it is worth!

Now we are parents and it is our turn to learn! Ask me again in 20 years!!

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 11:44:30 PM

erieangel

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My mom was still helping me a with a lot of things right up until she got sick two years ago. My 27 yr. old son still lives with me and helps with the bills and home repairs. We both figure there are a lot of luxuries neither of us could afford if we both lived alone. My daughter...well I paid for her much of her wedding, have some set aside for baby furniture when we can find time to go shopping together. My son and son-in-law are going to be replacing my roof hopefully in Sept. or else it may to be put off until spring. Families help one another, simple as that.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/25/2011 11:54:39 PM

myotherself

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I needed help from my parents for the first time a year ago when finances became a real issue. It was only a short-term loan, and I worked damn hard to pay it back quickly (within a couple of months). I'd changed from a high-paying job and a nice house into teaching and a very small house in a not-so-nice area. But still I managed to mess up by not managing some important payments as well as I could have. Lesson well and truly learned.

My brothers both needed help from the parents - younger brother was laid off and went back to university to retrain, and ended up moving back in with parents. They helped a lot, although he worked while he was studying. Older brother is on the verge of leaving his abusive, alcoholic wife and needs help to get a place of his own.

I think that as long as both sides are aware of the intent and details of any financial support (gift, loan, repayment period/schedule), then that's actually quite responsible. At times we all need help from our parents, no matter how old we are. And as my mum says, "I didn't give birth to you to abdicate responsibility as soon as you left home. You'll always be my baby and you should always be able to rely on me for help, if you need it"

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/26/2011 11:05:15 AM

LaTigresse

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Using fast reply...

The one thing I did wish to add is that, I think sometimes parents help too much because of their own guilty feelings about their parenting. I also believe that, while it is hell to say no and watch your child struggle, fall on their face, really suffer at times......allowing them to do so is the best thing for them.

Too often, helpful parents impede the growth and maturity of their teen and adult children. They convince themselves it is the right thing to do but in fact, it is quite selfish. It is far easier to help, even if it is difficult for the parent to do so, than to watch your child suffer in any way.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/26/2011 11:11:57 AM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Too often, helpful parents impede the growth and maturity of their teen and adult children. They convince themselves it is the right thing to do but in fact, it is quite selfish. It is far easier to help, even if it is difficult for the parent to do so, than to watch your child suffer in any way.

I agree, LaT. I've seen teen kids of friends grow up with no accountability, no sense of boundaries,a huge sense of entitlement, and no ability to take care of themselves. Watching them grow into adulthood has been awful, because of all the problems they have encountered. And typically it's guilt-driven by the parents.

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/26/2011 12:07:32 PM

Darktra151

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Oh man this whole thread has made me value my own mommy. That poor lady has been put through the parental ringer. My brother moved in and out so many times that I lost count. He never was a financial burden but it was like a revolving door with him. My oldest sister was even worse. She would move in a with a man, they would split up. ( who knew moving in with someone after knowing them for 5 months would be a bad idea * shakes head*) After the split she would come running back to mommy with my baby niece in tow. ( My niece's future therapist will have a ball with that info. Can someone say CHA-CHING). I personally moved in and out myself. I left at age 18 and then came back after a break up. Then I left again and I never want to go back. My mother has been angel to us all . We always had to contribute financially but my mom would do anything to help her kids. She spent many long hours babysitting my niece while my sister finished up her masters. She always kicked one of us a 20 for gas or food if need be. To this day she is my emotional support system. I could call her crying over something like my job or issues with the man i love and she just listens. Through it all I believe my mother did something right with all of us. My brother is the greatest man out there. He adopted his wife's 3 children ( abusive father) and now works day and night to support them . He loves them as his own. My sister has her issues but she has completed her Masters in Education in the midst of being a single mother . She is a much loved teacher in a very poor inner city school system. I turned okay as well. I have my psychology degree under wraps and I just finished one in exercise science. I am starting to see now that my life's calling to help morbidly obese people get healthy . Mentally and physically. Ya I think my mom did okay. I am going to go hug her now.

< Message edited by Darktra151 -- 7/26/2011 12:10:51 PM >

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RE: Question to adult parents - 7/26/2011 9:36:48 PM

Missokyst

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Hmm.... I put my kids through college but apart from all the expenses of raising them that's about it in goods. They buy everything they need and help support our household, yes, we do live together. I really can't see the point of each of us having our own space since we get along very well together and still do things as if we were all buddies. If the girls ever wanted to have a child and they did not marry in all likelihood I would help out with perks.

My mom though.. EEEKS. She took out a loan on her paid for home to the tune of 100,000 to help my sister pay off her husband when they divorced. Part of that loan also covered my sisters daughters loan for her home that she borrowed from my sis and her about to be ex. So, from going from paying zero as a home owner, she now pays 700 a month. Of course 2 hundred of that is paid by my niece as that was what she used to pay my sister for her loan. My sister does not repay any of the amount, though she claims to pay my mom's excess spending when she overdraws and the credit card must be drawn out from the home loan.
Oh, and the kicker is my sister and her husband divorced and recently remarried.

My mom does not understand why she can't spend and it hasn't clicked that a big chunk of her retirement is spent in a home loan payment. Since my mom only gets 1000 a month, a lot of her money goes into paying her credit cards because she was used to having money, AARP takes a chunk, and insurance takes its share.

My other sister, brother and me expect to get very little when my mom passes away. But my sister will not have to repay unless my mom rewrites her will (currently splitting the assets 4 ways), but not counting the loan. And my niece will have her house paid for as once my moms house is sold and my mom is gone it will be difficult to recover the money unless she is very willing.

I think I raised my kids to accept that they don't need a lot of things to be happy. We have lived in small places and large, very little changes in our lifestyle and it is always fun to figure out how to decorate on a small budget.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/26/2011 9:38:06 PM >

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