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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/3/2011 12:34:07 AM

MaamJay

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I am happy to guide and offer the benefits of My life experience to someone who wants to help themself AND who visibly puts in the effort to make positive changes. I am NOT going to attempt to "fix it" for them (as that teaches them nothing except a belief in messiah friends) and after too much patience in a former relationship (when someone talked the talk but failed to walk the walk) I'm not going to hang around too long if I don't see steps of progress being taken.

By guidance I mean - a certain amount of empathy with their circumstances if the situation demands it (especially if it is through no fault of their own such as an accident/illness/death in the family etc), discussion of the problem(s) and brainstorming possible solutions, assistance with comparing solutions (eg going through pros and cons, risk-benefit analysis etc) to inform the decision-making by the person needing the help, and being their person to be accountable to as they make baby steps along the pathway of the solution.

Any or all of this could occur in My capacity as a friend or in D/s ... that doesn't make a huge difference to Me, though I might consider imposing somewhat stricter accountability measures on a sub of Mine than I might do to a vanilla friend. That said, I would much prefer a sub who has the majority of their shit together in the first place, and someone who doesn't would have to be pretty damn special in other ways to capture My attention. However, any sub of Mine could count on Me to be there for them in this capacity should their life circumstances change and they needed this sort of guidance and assistance.

Ma'am Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/3/2011 6:39:14 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

but I would expect the person I got involved with to be be more or less in "working condition", otherwise I wouldn't have been attracted to them in the first place.

I think the world would run a lot smoother if people looked for others that were in working condition

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/3/2011 9:06:34 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay
I am happy to guide and offer the benefits of My life experience to someone who wants to help themself AND who visibly puts in the effort to make positive changes

EXCELLENT distinction MaamJay. I think that statement serves quite nicely to divide the white knight/wet puppy dynamic from the more healthy desire to help other humans when one is able.

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/3/2011 1:50:48 PM

analyticalmaster

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This one like most things is a maybe, many a beginning dom falls pray to the white knight syndrom and usually this will fail for multiple reasons. You cant fix someone who will not choose to be fixed, assuming you even know what needs to be fixed in the first place. I certainly cannot help someone with serious mental issues but yes I can and have helped people get over some financial issues. D/s can be an effective tool for that sort of thing. Any skill can be taught and for a lot of people they need both the carrot and the stick to do it effectively. I have no problem with helping someone I care about with a money issue, people have helped me out for a lot less reason. The trick of course is to help not enable, I certainly would not just hand a drug addict money. It is not unusual for the Dom in a family to be the primary bread winner, so if a sub lives with a dom who makes more money, is he helping her to have a better standard of living or is he enabling her not to do better for herself. I say it depends on the situation but even if it is enabling, I am not so sure that is always a bad thing. That isnt even considering the value she brings to the relationship, ie laundry and cleaning. Plus if someone belongs to me, their problems are my problems. Of course in a high tpe relationship, whatever the slave owns is also owned by the Master, this would include assets and liabilities.

So bottom line for me, D/s can and often does improve ones life

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/4/2011 5:42:54 AM

xssve

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Joined: 10/10/2009
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If discipline is what is missing, then a Dom/Domme can indeed supply the missing element of discipline, and I've heard anecdotal stories form subs to support that - there is no substitute for self discipline however, and as you become more mature, ongoing micromanagment can result in learned helplessness rather than self discipline, so really, the outcome is always dependent on the quality of the interaction between the two members of the dyad and what you want out of it.

There are always doms who will try to instill learned helplessness, much of the religious gender dynamic is based on it, it's generally thought of as more "traditional", and there are women who are down with that, but it's a more complicated world nowadays, and that "tradition" left a lot of women vulnerable, financially and emotionally when their spouses died.

I've seen pampered housewives who never had to lift a finger, trudging back and forth to work at fast food restaurants in their Golden years, because hubby didn't have his shit together financially to the degree it may have appeared.

So yes, you can take advantage of an external source of discipline to keep you on track, but ultimately, you need to use that time to learn self discipline because that is going to expand the possibilities for you in the future.

And, most mature doms will appreciate that, micromanagment is a common fantasy for both sides, but it's a lot of work for the micromanager, and a fantasy to some is a burden to others.

Lot's of women play helpless, and there's nothing wrong with that either, it starts falling into higher level of gamesmanship there, but it's going to go over some peoples heads.

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/4/2011 12:29:08 PM

milfyclass

Posts: 8
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Unhealthy. Only you can change your own life. Get really annoyed at the YMs that send me a msg saying they want me to control them. Gosh. I want a healthy, sane, normal independent thinking Younger Man with initiative - and just wants to 'play' once in a while. Not 24/7. Think those type really need to take a long hard look at themself first.

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/4/2011 1:12:50 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: milfyclass
Unhealthy. Only you can change your own life. Get really annoyed at the YMs that send me a msg saying they want me to control them. Gosh. I want a healthy, sane, normal independent thinking Younger Man with initiative - and just wants to 'play' once in a while. Not 24/7. Think those type really need to take a long hard look at themself first.

Wow... just wow. Are you SURE you're not actually 19 years old? You have exactly the sort of tiny viewpoint coupled with utter certainty that I normally associate with that age bracket. Don't mistake your limited imagination for the actual boundaries of reality.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/5/2011 1:23:34 PM

WalterRego

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There’ve been a lot of general opinions given so far (which is what the OP sought) but I’d like to offer one or two ways a Dominant has/is helping me.

I am a high functioning, independent professional, and only sub in private. I’ve always managed myself, my life and my family. But for most of my adult life I have had trouble getting to sleep/falling asleep. It has made many of aspects of my life difficult as I have always stayed up late, reading or watching tv and waiting until I was unable to stay awake. Over the years I tried tapes, sleep music, hypnotism, alcohol, sleeping pills, herbal remedies. None worked.

I’d mentioned my difficulties to my present Dominant and even said that I wished I could go to bed when she did or that she would require that I did. She agreed and shortly after, made a rule that when I was with her I must go to bed when she does. And stay there (after an hour or two if not sleeping I was allowed to get up out of bed). Later she extended that to the times when we are not together, giving me an 11 pm bedtime which I must adhere to. I was required when away from her to report and if I don’t she will ask me or remind me. To my surprise, it has been almost two months and this has worked remarkably well. Aside from one or two times I disobeyed, I’ve never in my life gone to bed this early for this long a time. Yes, I wanted it for myself, but that never helped before. Her making a Rule as something I was expected to adhere to and report on has been what has made it work.

She has also set a Rule about a number of days and minutes that I must exercise each week. Again, something I wanted myself, but her Rule, the dynamic in other aspects of the relationship to please and obey her and the fact that she expects reports from me and/or asks (when we are not together) if I have followed, have helped me more than I can express.

A Dominant can give more than just moral support, but can use all the methods he or she uses in other aspects of the relationship to mold or help a submissive better themselves – for the good of both.

_____________________________

A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/5/2011 1:42:46 PM

Flagrante

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I agree totally with leadership527. There are as many perspectives as there are people.

None of us are perfect. We all have our wounds and our armour and sometimes our wounds hurt and sometimes our armour leads us into procrastination or self-destruction in the mistaken belief that this will aid us.

When a dom(me) builds a calculated helplessness in the sub through micro-management or any of the many other methods, than that is abuse. When a dom(me) helps a sub to help herself, that is freedom. I believe it is the difference between night and day. And if the sub consequently outgrows the dom(me) and leaves, that is also fine. That is choice and freedom and happiness, something to which we all have a right. This is surely the reality of the bargain between dom(me) and sub. Both benefit, both grow, both glow.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/5/2011 3:16:41 PM

CastlesKT

Posts: 10
Joined: 3/10/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WalterRego

There’ve been a lot of general opinions given so far (which is what the OP sought) but I’d like to offer one or two ways a Dominant has/is helping me.

I am a high functioning, independent professional, and only sub in private. I’ve always managed myself, my life and my family. But for most of my adult life I have had trouble getting to sleep/falling asleep. It has made many of aspects of my life difficult as I have always stayed up late, reading or watching tv and waiting until I was unable to stay awake. Over the years I tried tapes, sleep music, hypnotism, alcohol, sleeping pills, herbal remedies. None worked.

I’d mentioned my difficulties to my present Dominant and even said that I wished I could go to bed when she did or that she would require that I did. She agreed and shortly after, made a rule that when I was with her I must go to bed when she does. And stay there (after an hour or two if not sleeping I was allowed to get up out of bed). Later she extended that to the times when we are not together, giving me an 11 pm bedtime which I must adhere to. I was required when away from her to report and if I don’t she will ask me or remind me. To my surprise, it has been almost two months and this has worked remarkably well. Aside from one or two times I disobeyed, I’ve never in my life gone to bed this early for this long a time. Yes, I wanted it for myself, but that never helped before. Her making a Rule as something I was expected to adhere to and report on has been what has made it work.

She has also set a Rule about a number of days and minutes that I must exercise each week. Again, something I wanted myself, but her Rule, the dynamic in other aspects of the relationship to please and obey her and the fact that she expects reports from me and/or asks (when we are not together) if I have followed, have helped me more than I can express.

A Dominant can give more than just moral support, but can use all the methods he or she uses in other aspects of the relationship to mold or help a submissive better themselves – for the good of both.

This^

i find i stick to things for my Master more then i would for myself. Even if they are things i would want for myself doing them for him makes them so much easier and more rewarding.

kt

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/5/2011 3:24:58 PM

WalterRego

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Well heck, Castleskt, I do things for a Dominant that I wouldn't do for myself. And find myself enjoying them because I'm doing them for her.

And it makes it easier for me to get over the "difficult" parts. Just as if she has me doing something which I don't want to do, but will try harder to endure or get past those parts, for her.

QED: if i'm doing something I believe she wants me to do and which I essentially want to do anyway, that's double incentive.

_____________________________

A person should not choose the form in which he wishes to perform the service, but he should perform it in any manner the opportunity affords. He should be like a vessel into which anything may be poured - wine, milk, or water.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel

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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/8/2011 8:00:10 PM

avena

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WalterRego

Well heck, Castleskt, I do things for a Dominant that I wouldn't do for myself. And find myself enjoying them because I'm doing them for her.

This caught my eye. I detest doing housework. I mean REALLY detest it. But when I'm with D, I do it not just without complaint, but often find myself humming happily as I'm doing it. Doing things for him makes me truly happy.

Does that improve my life? Doing housework without whining about it - no, not an improvement. The housework would get done with or without the whining. The happiness whilst doing it - yes, definitely an improvement.

D can't fix me. I'm not broken. But he does help and guide me to expand my horizons and learn new things. His presence in my life has made my life better in so many ways.

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Post #: 52