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RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 6/30/2011 8:55:57 PM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline 		Absolutely unhealthy and no more appropriate then to enter in an egalitarian relationship with the expectation that your boyfriend or girlfriend is going to fix your problems. I and just about every healthy individual I know enters into a relationship for the mutual enhancement of the lives of both parties, not the enhancement of one life who has very little to offer the other party.

I don't understand why people seem to think being a submissive gives you a free pass to hand off your baggage to someone else. I guess I'll just have to blame it on cheesy romance novels.


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I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to ImpishSub89)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 6/30/2011 9:05:17 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*shrugs* I got involved with Carol because I wanted to "fix" her. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to help others or be helped. That sort of thing is only bad when it becomes a way to not face adulthood.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ImpishSub89)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 6/30/2011 9:15:08 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

  Do you think is unhealthy for the sub to want someone else to fix things or at least help or lead the way?


You can't fix someone else. Period. All you can do is offer support. If you try to fix someone all you're teaching them is rely on someone to clean up the mess.

FYI, this is what our circle of friends refer to as the "Cinderella Sub". They expect a fairy godmother to shake her magic wand and then she gets to live with Prince Charming happily ever after.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 6/30/2011 10:56:55 PM   
ImpishSub89


Posts: 32
Joined: 6/27/2011
Status: offline 		ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 3:09:04 AM   
MsKittyValentine


Posts: 36
Joined: 6/22/2011
Status: offline 		I guess if someone wants a Dom to come and along and sort out all their problems and 'improve' them in some way, then they can get that. Plenty of, particularly male Doms, it would appear, seem keen on that relationship dynamic.

Myself, and I can only speak for me, would run a mile from a sub who presented themselves to me asking that I sort out their lives. For so many many reasons.
Firstly, I need a sub who is in a healthy state, mentally, physically, who is solvent, happy and confident about themselves and what they are. I would hate to have to sort out someone's problems all the time. I want them to serve me not the other way around.

Some dominants though seem to thrive on taking on lame ducks and putting them straight. Lucky them if they feel truly qualified to sort out a persons problems in a way which avoids manipulation, exploitation, selfish personal agendas and even abuse. Some of this help seems to come at a price and the price is being 'locked in' to a D/s relationship with a controlling nobody or egomaniac. Help and support should come free from an expected return or it is just cynical manoeuvring.

I have very little in the way of belief that any one person can sort out another such that they can be sure they could survive independently and flourish should the Dom/support not be around. I think what can happen is one form of dependence is substituted for another and no real help or improvement is given.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 5:15:17 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 



I am of the opinion that for lasting change, one must integrate the information / behavior beyond someone else lording it over them.  Lots of people support their sweethearts in getting things done.  One person is better at finances?  have at it.  One person likes to cook and is better at it?  Why would it be 50 / 50?  Fift-fifty doesn't mean "I do the dishes half the time, and you do them half the time."  It means I give my 100% all the time, and so do you.  My 100% will sometimes be only 12% of the relationship when I'm going through a rough patch.  Sometimes it will be 97% of the relationship - when you are having a hard time. That's how interdependence works.

Why wouldn't we want to support each other, do the thing we enjoy, create goodness in the relationship.  Don't ask a turtle to be a giraffe and vice versa.  However, turtles don't just swim.  They walk on land too.  It needn't be perfect, but it can be done.

best,
sunshine



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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 5:28:36 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 



I have a problem with the "come in and make the situation better", you know if I would notice the problem with any people in my life, I would offer help and support, provided they want it and they understand that I am not taking over their life for them, that I'm giving them a hand and helping them on their feet again, that I won't be their crutch.

I like relationships where the people aren't dependent but are in a relationship because they want to be, that you help somebody who's a friend or a relationship should be a given, but help can only go so far, we all have phases and times where we need help but when you become reliant on somebody else telling you what to do and how to run your life, that's not help.

As an example, if somebody is depressed, yes, of course I would help him or her out and help to get back on their feet, a friend fell into a black hole after a divorce, when it was obvious that she needed help, yes, went there, helped her clean the house, helped her sort through the papers, made sure she ate, got her CV in order and look for a new job (they worked in the same company, never a good idea) but always encouraged her to seek professional counseling as I could not be her support system forever, it wouldn't be fair to both of us and as a friend you aren't distanced enough to be of real help, in a relationship and a BDSM relationship possibly even more difficult.

I sometimes want to go around with a sticker and slap it on people's foreheads "You can't fix anybody who doesn't want to be fixed!"

_____________________________

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Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to ImpishSub89)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 5:55:07 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think it is safe and fair for a dom/me to come into that subs life and fix it or do you think that that is unhealthy?  Do you think is unhealthy for the sub to want someone else to fix things or at least help or lead the way?

It's never healthy for a person to rely on someone else to 'fix' their life. A person can, however, seek another to help support them while they take on the responsibility of putting their own life back in order.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 6:04:10 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 


It depends on the nature of the help. He wouldn't be doing any favors by taking over your finances and making sure all your bills were paid on time. This teaches you nothing. If he were to guide and supervise you, I'd support that.

My ex IS doing all his mother's finances. She's 80+ and never had to do them because her husband took care of that for 50+ years, leaving her with the inability to handle it herself once he became incapacitated.

My brother has a learning disorder and my mother wants to take over his finances. I strongly object to this. He just needs some guidance. He pays his bills on time but blows money and then runs out of money for food. He manages by eating at the Salvation Army or Mom's at the end of the month. I think she does him a disservice by helping him out.

You sound much higher functioning than either of the two people in my examples. Have your D help you impose structure but you need to do the work yourself - you will be better off in the long run.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 6:26:01 AM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		I know a couple of Doms and Dommes who do this.   The way they do it, it's not really someone coming in to fix the sub's life.   Instead, it gives the sub someone to be held accountable to.  

They talk with their sub about reasonable goals then establish rewards as well as punishments for associated with those goals and keep track with how the sub doing.   It's a different sort of relationship than most have, but it is healthy and works well for them.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 7:09:09 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 


Lots of people have some debts, and I don't think that makes them unsuitable as relationship partners. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect a dominant - or any other partner - to come in and pay them off for you. They may be able to help you learn to manage your finances better, but ultimately, you're going to have to be responsible for yourself and pay them off (or declare bankruptcy if you really can't).

(in reply to ImpishSub89)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 7:37:49 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89
ok when I am referring to chaos think financial and circumstantial umm for example if the submissive is in debt or other such similar things. Fixable but the sub is in a position in which it is hard to think things.  Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 

I don't see "reliance" as a problem. Or, if that IS a problem then it's a problem with any helping arrangement that has ever occurred in the history of humanity. It's a part of deciding to be the helper in such a situation that you plan your own exit again.

The part that worries me is mixing sex and money. In other words, what you need here is a helpful dominant personality, not a fuck buddy who's handling your money.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ImpishSub89)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 8:52:50 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think it is safe and fair for a dom/me to come into that subs life and fix it or do you think that that is unhealthy?  Do you think is unhealthy for the sub to want someone else to fix things or at least help or lead the way?


In my opinion, for me at least, it is unhealthy. The only lasting changes I have made were changes that I made for myself. Other people may have a different experience than I have.

I desire someone who wants me the way that I am, not as a fix-it hobby. I am not a model airplane, I am not a puzzle to be completed. I think that going into a relationship with the idea that you will change someone is unhealthy. I do not want to be changed, I want to be appreciated for who I am.

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 12:33:58 PM   
ImpishSub89


Posts: 32
Joined: 6/27/2011
Status: offline 		thanks for all the input i really appreciate and liked more the an few comments 

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 6:24:00 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14449
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

Do you think it is a good idea for a dom/me to come in and make the situation better.  OR is this bad because a reliance on the dom can occur? 


Making the situation better: ensuring that the submissive pays bills first then, necessities, then play money. Teaching. Being supportive.

Reliance: Paying the bills for the submissive and giving them an allowance as play money.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 7/1/2011 6:41:24 PM >

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 6:30:52 PM   
KiGirl


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/6/2009
Status: offline 		Relying entirely on a dom/me to fix everything isn't healthy, as has been repeatedly stated. Regardless of who holds the leash, a D/s partnership is just that...a partnership. You work together to achieve goals. You don't expect the other one to come in and fix your life without adopting a 'fix it' attitude for yourself. Just be conscious of that.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/1/2011 8:17:54 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpishSub89

Just a query that I thought it would be interesting to get other peoples opinions on...

Lets say there is a submissive, who's life it rather chaotic.  Do you think it is safe and fair for a dom/me to come into that subs life and fix it or do you think that that is unhealthy?  Do you think is unhealthy for the sub to want someone else to fix things or at least help or lead the way?

I am curious as to what responses are gonna be so let em fly.

Delightful Dreams and Nervous Nightmares




for the most part I believe that it's not such a good idea. For primarily two reasons that may have varying degree of merit to a given situation.

1 - The D type is lacking the skills necessary to do the fixing and is more likely to do more damage than good.

2 - Ths S type is unprepared and unwilling to walk that path necessary for the fixing to occur.


but in very rare situations.. the D type might just might have skills and the S type will actually be will walk the walk determined by the D type. mmm and I thought unicorns were rare!

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/2/2011 12:07:44 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		If it's just a matter of not knowing how to budget or simple behavior changes a subs willing to learn I do think a d/s relationship can help those issues cause the d's teaching the skills needed . If they won't follow the lead then there's no helping.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/2/2011 4:24:58 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Many dominants have what I call a "messiah complex," and I have been guilty of that in the past. You can't fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed, and I no longer try.

However, a huge reason for why I chose to have power over someone is b/c I see ways in which I would like to *empower* them. With male subs it is often self esteem issues when it comes to females.

There can be a fine line between fix and empower, and I try to find it.




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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: D/s as a way to improve ones life. - 7/2/2011 4:42:29 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

Many dominants have what I call a "messiah complex,
Hmmmmmm...well that would explain the hair & beard wouldn't it?

Actually I think its a crappy thing to expect somebody to 'fix' you, that's a horrible burden to put on somebody. And I find it terribly arrogant to think I might be able to fix somebody else. There's nothing wrong in offering advice and guidance, but I would expect the person I got involved with to be be more or less in "working condition", otherwise I wouldn't have been attracted to them in the first place.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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