RE: Giving up something you love for your Love.

RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Charnegui -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 8:16:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze quote: ORIGINAL: Charnegui It does not actually feel like giving up something. It feels like winning the lottery (in my case that is) The material stuff (flat, furniture, books, records, clothes etc.) was easy, but giving up a place of my own that I quite liked (even if I just spent about 4 month a year there) and moving into a house that belonged to both of us, that was the hard part. I wasn't sure if I could wake up next to somebody for the rest of my life, but we solved that problem by getting a house that was bigger than we actually need it, so we had spare rooms and I got a room that is just mine, not my office, just my own bolthole, it's not even a guest room, it's just MINE. Still got my own place.... I already gave that part up twice and a third time? But if I do, I'd like it the way you did LadyC, just a part of the house that's really mine. And I never ever will give up my furries.... Gaia is a part of my life for 6 yrs and if not for her, I wouldnot be writing here. So she'll be taking her last breath (over a century hopefully [;)]) in my presence.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 9:40:58 AM)
Oh hell no, the pets are part and parcel, in fact if they'd disapprove of somebody it would be just that

NuevaVida -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 9:50:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 Wow...I haven't had to give up anything. Quite the opposite. I've gained so much more because of him. At this point, this has been my experience. But then prior to meeting him, I had decided IF I were ever to enter into a relationship again, it would have to add to the goodness in my life, not take away. He adds.

NuevaVida -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 9:52:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Oh hell no, the pets are part and parcel, in fact if they'd disapprove of somebody it would be just that Absolutely. The muchacho came first, and is as close to a kid as I'm ever going to have. We rescued each other, and he stays. I told the Mister that - "Love me, love my cat." It took him awhile to become buddies with the little guy, but I appreciate that he did. I've told him if he doesn't want to live with a cat, I can move in next door to him, but the cat stays with me. [;)]

SorceressJ -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 9:55:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Oh hell no, the pets are part and parcel, in fact if they'd disapprove of somebody it would be just that AMEN to that, word for word.. [image]local://upfiles/1044097/F2782893742F4E778F578E24000F9A6A.jpg[/image]

juliaoceania -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 10:04:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie Yes, another question from me. Hey, I'm learning here.. Have you ever had to give up something you love for your significant other? I am speaking both to doms and subs here, because I'm sure there are a few things doms have had to give up in the name of love (or lust..whatever). Reason I'm asking is because I am getting to the point where I am realizing all the things I may have to give up for a future dom and wonder, am I ready for that? What was it you gave up? How did you feel about it? Why did you make the decision to give it up? I think that my first dom got off on the entire martyr thing, his submissive "giving up" things for him. I do not think he would acknowledge that... Boundaries are extremely important in a relationship. In my opinion (notice I said it is my opinion) healthy people have well established boundaries of what they are willing to "give up" for another person. In the most functional relationships these boundaries are shared, in dysfunctional relationships one person walks on another's boundaries in ways that make that person feel unsafe, unvalueable, and and unheard. Rule of thumb, I am not willing to "give up" anything that helps me remain happy and emotionally stable. This means I am not willing to give up exercise, meditation time, nutritious foods, my family, my friends, my vocation, nor my home (by home, I mean a place that I feel a sense of belonging where I can feel comfortable and a sense of ownership over the space). I am also not willing to give up my sense of identity, nor my personal views on life. I am also not willing to give up my personal ethics for another person. There maybe other things i am unwilling to compromise for a relationship, but the above are my fairly short list. If a relationship demands that you give up the things that ground you and make you "you", why would you want it? I never equated submission with martyrdom.

GreedyTop -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 10:04:15 AM)
~FR~ my ex wanted to deny quite a few of the friends I have gained through this site.. regardless if they were f2f friends or not. he didnt APPROVE of some of them (never mind that he made ultra nice with them at teh wedding). Fuck that. I am an adult, I will choose who my friends are, and if they prove themselves NOT to be? well, it's on ME to cut them out, if needed. I REFUSE to be dictated to. If my partner asks me to quit playing "you dont know jack", solitaire, or not go to bar sponsered events (or some such).. no problem.. but do NOT come between me and my friends/family..

sexyred1 -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 10:07:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery quote: ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie Yes, another question from me. Hey, I'm learning here.. Have you ever had to give up something you love for your significant other? I am speaking both to doms and subs here, because I'm sure there are a few things doms have had to give up in the name of love (or lust..whatever). Reason I'm asking is because I am getting to the point where I am realizing all the things I may have to give up for a future dom and wonder, am I ready for that? What was it you gave up? How did you feel about it? Why did you make the decision to give it up? At the risk of sounding idealistic..... I strongly believe that when two lovers sit down and talk, even at an apparent impasse, and agree to continue to talk until they find a solution mutually satisfying, that they will find such a resolution. I've seen it happen repeatedly. But often people don't do that. They get to the perceived impasse, and decide something's gotta give, jumping right to loss and sacrifice. And sure, that's OK to a point...but it's not the best approach, and it all too often is the beginning of cracks in the relationship's foundation, as small but denied resentments creep in. There are always more options. We just need to learn to look for them. Not after 12 years. Being smart is knowing when to throw in the towel. Oh, and actually, BOTH people need to find a solution, not just one.

windchymes -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 10:33:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 Wow...I haven't had to give up anything. Quite the opposite. I've gained so much more because of him. At this point, this has been my experience. But then prior to meeting him, I had decided IF I were ever to enter into a relationship again, it would have to add to the goodness in my life, not take away. He adds. These

leadership527 -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 10:58:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery At the risk of sounding idealistic..... I strongly believe that when two lovers sit down and talk, even at an apparent impasse, and agree to continue to talk until they find a solution mutually satisfying, that they will find such a resolution. I've seen it happen repeatedly. Me too. But I have to tell you that from absolutely heart-wrenching personal experience I can tell you that base chemistry is real. It is quite possible (and incredibly painful) for two people to love each other deeply and for those same two people to be success-driven type-a personalities used to succeeding at what they turn their hand to and yet still have it not work. That was a REALLY bitter pill for me to swallow.

sexyred1 -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 11:03:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery At the risk of sounding idealistic..... I strongly believe that when two lovers sit down and talk, even at an apparent impasse, and agree to continue to talk until they find a solution mutually satisfying, that they will find such a resolution. I've seen it happen repeatedly. Me too. But I have to tell you that from absolutely heart-wrenching personal experience I can tell you that base chemistry is real. It is quite possible (and incredibly painful) for two people to love each other deeply and for those same two people to be success-driven type-a personalities used to succeeding at what they turn their hand to and yet still have it not work. That was a REALLY bitter pill for me to swallow. Yes, and it is also quite possible for base chemistry to exist, and you can be crazy in love with someone who is the antithesis of yourself. My guy and I are still crazy about each other, but we could not be more different as people. We just do not work as a couple and we tried. Same thing with my ex husband, too totally different people who loved each other deeply. So yes, it is idealistic to think that love overcomes all obstacles. And yes, it is a very bitter pill to be in love with someone who ends up not being right for you.

ClassAct2006 -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 12:06:25 PM)
That is one reason old fashioned matchmakers tried to match like with like - religious background, height, class, looks, outlook, shared life's aims etc. It's certainly wise particularly if you're submissive and more likely to give up more. I think relationships shoudl be life enhancing and I make it clear my children and my career are not going to be compromised at this life stage for any man. In my long marriage what did I give up? It never felt like giving things up. When it was hard I suppose I was losing years of being in a close loving relationship. I might have had an extra child if I were with a man who was keener. I would have liked a slightly different wedding. I wanted a honeymoon abroad. Things like that but they didn't really matter. Anyway what are you having to give up? May be they are so unreasonable things it should make you think twice? Women all over the globe give up much more than men, lose careers and then are abandoned sometimes abroad with nothing,. You have responsibilties to yourself not to put yourself into too vulnerable a position and to explain to a dominant man what elements he might be asking you to give up which are crucial to your happiness. He might not know. Men can't read minds.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 12:37:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie Yes, another question from me. Hey, I'm learning here.. Have you ever had to give up something you love for your significant other? I am speaking both to doms and subs here, because I'm sure there are a few things doms have had to give up in the name of love (or lust..whatever). Reason I'm asking is because I am getting to the point where I am realizing all the things I may have to give up for a future dom and wonder, am I ready for that? What was it you gave up? How did you feel about it? Why did you make the decision to give it up? I think that my first dom got off on the entire martyr thing, his submissive "giving up" things for him. I do not think he would acknowledge that... Boundaries are extremely important in a relationship. In my opinion (notice I said it is my opinion) healthy people have well established boundaries of what they are willing to "give up" for another person. In the most functional relationships these boundaries are shared, in dysfunctional relationships one person walks on another's boundaries in ways that make that person feel unsafe, unvalueable, and and unheard. Rule of thumb, I am not willing to "give up" anything that helps me remain happy and emotionally stable. This means I am not willing to give up exercise, meditation time, nutritious foods, my family, my friends, my vocation, nor my home (by home, I mean a place that I feel a sense of belonging where I can feel comfortable and a sense of ownership over the space). I am also not willing to give up my sense of identity, nor my personal views on life. I am also not willing to give up my personal ethics for another person. There maybe other things i am unwilling to compromise for a relationship, but the above are my fairly short list. If a relationship demands that you give up the things that ground you and make you "you", why would you want it? I never equated submission with martyrdom. I gave up a couple of those things and so did he, as long as it is not forced and you feel you gain more than you give up, it's worth a try, yet if it is only you giving things up and nothing is reciprocated - don't walk, run!

juliaoceania -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 1:08:46 PM)
quote: I gave up a couple of those things and so did he, as long as it is not forced and you feel you gain more than you give up, it's worth a try, yet if it is only you giving things up and nothing is reciprocated - don't walk, run! I was talking about my list of things I was unwilling to give up... If others feel that they can or should, go them! But, I will say I really believe this: quote: Rule of thumb, I am not willing to "give up" anything that helps me remain happy and emotionally stable

leadership527 -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 1:47:09 PM)
I think you nailed the balance here Julia and LC I've given up a whole RAFT of things for my marriage with Carol. But those things were perceived by me to be, at best, sparkly toys and at worst useless baggage. For instance, I've given up my sense of "individual self" -- useless baggage given the level of intimacy I want. I gave up my high paying career and the sports car that went with that -- sparkly toys. CAROL is what makes me happy and emotionally stable. I have not given her up :) It is certainly my assessment that my gains completely dwarfed my losses. So periodically I remember the money, toys, freedom, etc. wistfully... but that feeling doesn't engender a feeling of resentment. It'd be kind of like a guy who wins the lottery. He may periodically remember "a simpler life", but he doesn't want to give his winnings back :)

juliaoceania -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/25/2011 2:06:08 PM)
quote: I gave up my high paying career and the sports car that went with that For some people their work is not a career, it is a vocation, there is a difference between the two. I would abandon a position for the sake of prestige or money for someone who was my life mate, but I would not give up my vocation... which for me feels like a calling more than a job, my inner bliss, if you will.

agirl -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/26/2011 10:42:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie Yes, another question from me. Hey, I'm learning here.. Have you ever had to give up something you love for your significant other? I am speaking both to doms and subs here, because I'm sure there are a few things doms have had to give up in the name of love (or lust..whatever). Reason I'm asking is because I am getting to the point where I am realizing all the things I may have to give up for a future dom and wonder, am I ready for that? What was it you gave up? How did you feel about it? Why did you make the decision to give it up? I can't think of ANYTHING I've given up FOR M, let alone something I love. He's certainly never asked me to, or expected me to. I'm curious about the comment you made that I highlighted in red. If it's some future dom, what things are you already thinking you may have to give up? Jeff said...quote..........On the other hand, as carol's owner, I go out of my way to give her wondrous things. The very last thing I'm seeking to do is have her "give up things". I'm busy shoveling coins into her great big bowl o' happiness as fast as I can shovel.....unquote And this is how my relationship is......It can look as if one or the other of us is giving up something or other at any given time but it's not at all............we call it being accomodating or being generous, and that goes for both of us. We genuinely like each other and it comes naturally to us to NOT want the other to have to give up stuff they love. OTHER people certainly might think we've given up things FOR each other......... but funnily enough, we don't. So, what ARE these things you may have to give up? agirl

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/26/2011 11:13:50 AM)
sure i did, i had to give up my fucking freedom, just the same as heather did. what else do you think you'll have to fucking give up?

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/26/2011 11:16:10 AM)
quote: It doesn't sound domly to put himself last sounds like the fucking epitome of domly to me.

CreepyStalker -> RE: Giving up something you love for your Love. (6/26/2011 12:24:56 PM)
I've had to give up on my dreams of growing (or sticking to my face) a purple goatee. It's a horrible sacrifice, but I'm gradually coming to terms with it.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875