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Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 7:22:38 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

While I personally find micro managing a negative, I wonder if this leads to a deeper bond in humans as well? I suppose it could also lead to enmeshment and unhealthy dependence. Thoughts?

I think Kalikshama asks and interesting question of wondering if Micro-Managing leads to a deeper bond. I definitely can see that this course can lead to unhealthy situations. But.... not every situations.

So... to add another question... how does one's micro-managing be healthy as opposed to unhealthy.... because I think both can create and lead to a deep bond..... just one has a destructive destination as compared to the other.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

Post #: 1

RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 8:26:38 AM

MsKittyValentine

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I think it would be impossible to say if micro managing a sub/slave would lead to a deeper bond between people.

I think micro-managing is just a tool, a tool of control. How skilfully it is used will determine whether it is a good or bad, healthy or unhealthy experience.

Micromanagement is a tool often employed by those who out of weakness and insecurity use it unwisely with selfish motivations. This use by dominants who have it as their one tool can lead to others viewing it negatively.

I use micromanagement of paul in certain circumstances and at certain times and this has worked over the years to reinforce my right to control him as I wish which is healthy as he is aware of my consistent pleasure in dominating him.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 8:40:09 AM

HannahLynHeather

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i don't really consider what i do as micro-managing, she's got 6 things she has to ask permission about, and a few things she's not allowed to do, but other than that she's allowed to pretty much do whatever she fucking likes.

i find it does bring us closer together. heather can answer for herself when i'm done, but my reasoning is that it fucking forces me to consider what i think is best for her and us, rather than just me, and because i focus more on her and us, i feel i am more deeply entwined with her. i have to understand her and empathize with her more than i would otherwise. the fact that there are so few such rules is a sign, that i trust her to handle pretty much any situation sensibly and in our best interests. that and that she doesn't fucking need mollycoddling.

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 9:08:32 AM

HeatherMcLeather

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I certainly feel it brings us closer together. For one thing, it makes me feel more owned, that she has placed whatever rules on my behaviour she chooses to, and every time I come up against a rule it reinforces that feeling, and I don't resent the rule, I feel better about things.

That she only makes rules she feels are needed, and not just to exercise control makes me feel loved, and appreciated. it also makes me feel respected, because she doesn't feel I need to have every aspect of my day controlled.

It shows trust both ways, my trust in her to do what's best for me, and her trust in me to handle most things on my own. It also brings us closer together when we discuss the rules, because we learn each other's reasons for the rule or for questioning it. And these talks often sidetrack and go places we might not have otherwise. They have led to some very deep conversations regarding motives, perceived strengths and weaknesses of both parties. that I feel have brought us much closer together and given us both a much deeper understanding of each other.

I look forward to whatever new rules she puts in place when school starts, because I'm sure they will benefit me, and only be placed where I need them, to guide me along the best path to succeeding in our mutual goal.

And I'm not following blindly, in one case during the discussion of a rule, she came to the conclusion, based on my points, that the rule wasn't needed. So I do question and clarify, and usually that process makes me feel even better and more secure that the rule is the right thing, but it can also lead to her determining that it isn't. That's another thing I love about her, that she will accept that she isn't right all the time (though I know that doesn't show on here all that often

)

I don't think I would thrive under a really strict or all encompassing regime, but I certainly do under this amount of control.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 11:19:04 AM

DesFIP

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I can't imagine doing it 24/7 because I need a lot of alone time. But on a short term basis, having him keep his focus on me for a couple of hours would be hot. I'm not going to say it would deepen or destroy the bond, I just think it would be great foreplay of the mental variety.

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 11:36:16 AM

juliaoceania

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I think micromanaging can rub both ways.

It can set people up to fail if they are not wired for it, and it can increase the bond between people if they are.

It really is like any other relationship structure, what works for people increases intimacy and bonding, and what doesn't causes contention. I would liken it to vanilla vs lifestyle relationships, our relationships are no more intimate, better, or more spiritual, they just feel that way to us because they work for us.

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(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 11:37:58 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I can't imagine doing it 24/7 because I need a lot of alone time. But on a short term basis, having him keep his focus on me for a couple of hours would be hot. I'm not going to say it would deepen or destroy the bond, I just think it would be great foreplay of the mental variety.

You know, I agree, just because you wouldn't want to live somewhere doesn't mean you never would want to be a tourist

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 3:23:48 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
how does one's micro-managing be healthy as opposed to unhealthy....

For those who feel they need that level of control, it can provide a sense of security, so to speak. For others... it'd be "unhealthy", by creating a sense of insecurity, resulting from a loss of autonamy.

quote:

...I think both can create and lead to a deep bond

For some, yes... for others, no. (shrugs)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 3:26:58 PM

sexyred1

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I refuse to be micromanaged in a professional capacity, so I certainly would never go for it in a personal relationship.

I can handle my business and anyone with me, knows and respects that.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 6:51:01 PM

leadership527

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I don't like the term "micro management". By definition it means "too much management".

What I can definitely attest to is that in the areas I control Carol I am also closer to her. This happens because it takes knowledge to control effectively. So if I made no comment about dinner tonight then she would go off and cook something and we would eat. But I would know nothing about what she's cooking, what challenges she's facing doing it, or what maybe needs to be on the grocery list. If I command her, on the other hand, then I'm going to get feedback. If I routinely command her about dinner then I will, in short order, know a lot more about the status of the kitchen than I did before I started "micro managing" it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 7:02:52 PM

Kalista07

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I can see where you are coming from with this I think KnightofMists and Jeff. While I detest the term micromanagement and would more than likely claw my skin off if I was consciously aware that someone was doing this with me.....there are some areas that I could benefit from it. An example is once I started eating on a regular basis and then began eating something every two hours I miraculously started losing weight. In fact I lost 50 pounds in less than 4 months!! I had asked my husband to help me remember to eat every two hours and he wasn't invested in it......Due to stress and some other things, it's become very difficult for me to remember to eat again most days. I suppose if I had someone micromanaging that area of my life it would bring us closer.
However if they were trying to micromanage how many times I could pee......Then I would quickly become resentful and hateful.
But it could just be me.
Kali

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/22/2011 7:11:21 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

I don't like the term "micro management". By definition it means "too much management".

That is not what it means

It means to manage in small detail.

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to leadership527)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 12:26:33 AM

tazzygirl

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Joined: 10/12/2007
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quote:

I think Kalikshama asks and interesting question of wondering if Micro-Managing leads to a deeper bond. I definitely can see that this course can lead to unhealthy situations. But.... not every situations.

So... to add another question... how does one's micro-managing be healthy as opposed to unhealthy.... because I think both can create and lead to a deep bond..... just one has a destructive destination as compared to the other.

I wouldnt know about the deeper bond. Mine ended up being the other side of your coin. Resentment on my side as the newness wore off on his side. Ended up being a bad situation. A ten year friendship was lost as a result.

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(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 7:25:04 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I don't like the term "micro management". By definition it means "too much management".

That is not what it means. It means to manage in small detail.

*blinks* well, perhaps... but not in any actual usage I have heard over the last 25 years... ever... not once.

EDITED TO ADD: ".... outside of BDSM circles."

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 7:35:40 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I don't like the term "micro management". By definition it means "too much management".

That is not what it means. It means to manage in small detail.

*blinks* well, perhaps... but not in any actual usage I have heard over the last 25 years... ever... not once.

EDITED TO ADD: ".... outside of BDSM circles."

I agree with Jeff on this... the term I understood out of this lifestyle has always referred to some one that was over managing even undermining those responsible of the tasks to be done. In my world, I have found that micro-managing activities tend to create wedges and stress between people more than it ever helps. Their is an implied sense of distrust that can often occur when micro-managing is being applied and this is very contrary to building relationships. However, this doesn't neccesarily translate in to these lifestye relationships. Which I find intriquing as it is very contrary to my experiences outside of the lifestyle.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to leadership527)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 7:35:54 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I don't like the term "micro management". By definition it means "too much management".

That is not what it means. It means to manage in small detail.

*blinks* well, perhaps... but not in any actual usage I have heard over the last 25 years... ever... not once.

EDITED TO ADD: ".... outside of BDSM circles."

Micromanage does technically mean manage in small details, in practice, it's earned a negative connotation implying over management.

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 7:53:34 AM

juliaoceania

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Encarta defines it my way, wikipedia extends it to the negative connotations associated with it.

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 7:57:00 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I agree with Jeff on this... the term I understood out of this lifestyle has always referred to some one that was over managing even undermining those responsible of the tasks to be done.

*chuckles* And as supporting evidence Carol points out that I've never seen the class, "How to be a better micromanager" but I have seen about 2 gajillion "How to delegate effectively" classes.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 8:25:21 AM

LillyBoPeep

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i agree with the definition of micromanagement without negative connotations attached. micro-management isn't negative in and of itself, but it can be for those who don't respond to it. some people apply it in an effective, mutually beneficial way.
we need some people who are micro-managers to pop in and say "what's up with those people and their whimsical desires for lack of control?" to balance things out. =p

think of it like a zoo -- in the zoo you have animals whose environments need to be managed constantly, all the way down to the smallest degree of temperature and humidity. in another part of the zoo, you have animals that roam around like peacocks or ducks and more or less fend for themselves. and throughout the zoo, you have other animals who are scattered throughout the spectrum, some requiring special care or special diets, and others that are fine eating that funky dogfood from the 25cent vending machines. nobody supposes that any of those animals are "doing it wrong" just because they're different -- i don't know why this "you're doing it wrong" attitude gets applied to people for their kinks.

i don't really know if a micro-managing relationship would work for me in the longterm but like someone said earlier, just because you may not want to live somewhere, doesn't mean you might not like being a tourist. i've had some temporary instances of heightened control, and like i said in one of the threads that led us to this topic, it did something to my head and hit all my happy objectification buttons. in those instances, it made me feel very small, but also very close to the person who was doing it. like leadership said, in order to manage effectively, you have to be familiar with what you're managing, which means more involvement in what's being managed.
but i think, over all, the response to something like that depends on the energy from that person in general. i just don't "buy" certain things from certain people because they don't have the kind of energy to make it believable.

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RE: Micro manage.... are you closer because of it. - 6/23/2011 2:12:51 PM

Tristan

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I do not like to micro manage in my professional life or my personal life. I believe in most situations it kills creativity. The focus is too much on the details at the expense of all of the other creative ways there are to solve a problem or the ways to act appropriately. Setting standards of conduct or tasks to complete seems more appropriate in most situations especially after trust has been established. Micromanagement seems like it would be a frustrating experience in most situations.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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