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staring - 6/18/2011 8:35:42 PM   
julietfell


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline 		A brief question: what is your stance on staring? Staring at other men/women while you're out with your SO, and not being very subtle about it. Is that normal? Is it ok? What if it's constant?

My Master stares a LOT and I'm having a really hard time with it. We've talked about it a bunch and he tries to stop but he sat me down recently and said that it's just who he is, and he's really sorry, but I'm going to have to accept it. I don't know how to feel about that or what to do about it, so I thought I'd ask some people in the community what their take on it is. Thank you.
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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 8:38:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		For me, I wouldn't have gotten to the stage of committing to someone who was that rude. If he wants to go out and stare at others, then I'd stay home with a good book. I would rather be alone than lonely in company. And as long as he pays attention to everyone except you, you will be lonely when with him.

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 8:49:22 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Master stares at other people from time to time. I do as well <shrug>. Doesn't bother either one of us. We see it as human nature. He may find others attractive or interesting. Doesn't mean he's gonna do anything more than stare.

I would say if you feel insecure about his staring you need to ask yourself why and then do what you need to do to fix it.



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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 8:51:01 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have never been with someone who did this often. If they did I would not stay. It is not that they are admiring someone else so much as they are being rude. I would expect my mate to think other women were attractive, but to ogle someone is not only rude to me, it is rude to the person they are checking out. As someone who has seen men behave this way towards me when their significant other is present, it made me highly uncomfortable.

The sad thing is, more often than not, the women were catty towards me as if I had made their man look at me. And I promised myself because of that I wouldn't tolerate a man that enjoyed doing this.

If they can't dominate their own eyeballs, they have no business dominating me.

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 8:54:35 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Is he deaf? A lot of deaf people have to take in the situation through their eyes instead of their ears. They tend to stare more than the general hearing population.

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 9:04:50 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

Everyone checks everyone else out. The point is to do it unobtrusively. Who you are with won't feel slighted if you're discreet. I don't mind my escort checking out others if it's not that noticable.

I've made a game out of it with girlfriends, seeing how much we can describe someone without seeming to look at all, it's fun.

Actually staring at others to the point where THEY notice it is rude in the extreme and makes all parties uncomfortable. I think there is some truth to the saying "Only two types of people stare (back, I think?)... cops and crazy people".

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 9:06:57 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		Probably depends...Everyone 'stares' at others on occasion. It's just human nature that, if you see someone attractive, you look for a moment. It's almost reflexive in a lot of people. As littlewonder put it, it doesn't mean he'll do anything but stare.

That being said, if he frequently stares...and does so
quote:

hard
, or for extended periods of time, especially in front of you...it may be cause for concern. It could be he is just rude, and long after realizing what he is doing, is not considerate enough to look away for both your sake and for the other woman's sake. It could also be that he isn't all that into you. Honestly, I used to stare at other men a lot more frequently before meeting my SO. But after being with the love of my life for a while, I stopped finding other men attractive , at least by and large. He feels the same way. I think people tend to be more interested in others when they aren't very interested in who they are with.

Talk to him about it and find out what's wrong.

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 9:33:49 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		My stance on staring is that it's rude no matter who does it.

However, noticing someone who looks appealing and looking at them "unobtrusively" as someone else said, is fine. I have no problem whatsoever with Master doing this but I'm usually the one checking out all the hot women and quietly nudging him to have a look. He's usually so focused on something else that He misses the best ones

luci

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RE: staring - 6/18/2011 10:40:23 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		He doesn't stare but he does check out other women.  I cared when I was still insecure about my own looks.  Now I'm feeling pretty damn good, so I point them out to him - particularly the blonde ones (he likes the blonde ones).

Staring is rude.  Thankfully he is not rude.  But a glance at someone?  Sure, why not? 


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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 2:20:39 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Some looking at others is normal, but it seems like he's overdoing the casual checking out. Master or not, being rude is being rude. He's obviously not interested in changing since he told you to accept it, I guess its up to you what happens now.

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 2:50:52 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Some looking at others is normal, but it seems like he's overdoing the casual checking out. Master or not, being rude is being rude. He's obviously not interested in changing since he told you to accept it, I guess its up to you what happens now.


This.

And, well - it he's doing it a lot, well it's kinda "creepy" too.

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 2:54:06 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietfell

We've talked about it a bunch and he tries to stop but he sat me down recently and said that it's just who he is, and he's really sorry, but I'm going to have to accept it.

You know how we tell children not to stare because it's rude? Why does he get a free pass because it's 'who he is'? That's slapping a corny self-help slogan onto an excuse for behaving like a five-year-old. It doesn't make his behaviour ok.

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 3:50:28 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		Staring is rude, master or not.  Looking is normal.

When I was younger, I used to get very upset about my ex looking at other women, especially since I am red headed and freckled and he seemed to really dig looking at women who were nothing like me.

Then, one day, I realized he did the same thing and got that same look in his eyes when it came to old cars he loved, and it hit me.  He dug looking at pretty things, but he always hopped in his old 67 Frod van and came home to his red headed freckled faced broad........

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 4:09:51 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		staring and looking can be totally innocent or intrusive both
it depends what the reason behind it is
i personally like looking at people, so does my Husband, some people catch my attention because they are out of the ordinairy or doing something that interests or surprices me and so i might look for longer and then it might be considered staring... but i never much understood what exactly is so rude about it.

i have been stared at myself quite a lot too... the main reason was because i used to have massive tits. I never minded the staring so much, but the nudging and whispering made me always feel very uncomfortable and i think that was extremely rude

so i would like to say to the people who think it is ok to *glance* and then nudge other people in an *unobtrusive way* to point out their discovery... to think again; because you are the rudest!

Now people stare at me because i can dance and i don't mind anybody looking or staring at all unless they are jealous, if you don't like what you see, look away.

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 4:33:12 AM   
ILustAfterPeon


Posts: 39
Joined: 5/28/2011
Status: offline 		It is not normal to stare for a long time at anyone except Peon.


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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 5:08:36 AM   
rawtape


Posts: 105
Joined: 10/31/2006
Status: offline 		Just curious; was your dom raised outside the States? Because different cultures often have different mores about staring, eye contact, and personal space. Even in the vanilla arena, I recently had to sit one of my colleagues down and tell him that his staring/eye contact behaviour was making some of his peers and juniors uncomfortable.

Now, it's also possible that he might imagine that being a dominant and all that, ordinary cultural mores might not apply to him. Personally, I consider such behaviour bad form -- one doesn't have to go around discomfiting others in order to shore up one's image of oneself; that's just acting like an adolescent. Ultimately though, he is your dom and he has stated that he will not/cannot change; so the decision as to what to do about it remains yours.




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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 6:09:16 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have never been with someone who did this often. If they did I would not stay. It is not that they are admiring someone else so much as they are being rude. I would expect my mate to think other women were attractive, but to ogle someone is not only rude to me, it is rude to the person they are checking out. As someone who has seen men behave this way towards me when their significant other is present, it made me highly uncomfortable.

The sad thing is, more often than not, the women were catty towards me as if I had made their man look at me. And I promised myself because of that I wouldn't tolerate a man that enjoyed doing this.

If they can't dominate their own eyeballs, they have no business dominating me.


Jesus Julia, nothing to change on this one at all. It's horrible when another man is checking me out in front of his date, I hate that. I also hate it when other women check out my man, I mean yes a quick glance, ok, that's human nature, but staring someone down like a fat kid and piece of cake? Not cool.


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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 6:32:08 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		my ex used to love the amount of attention i got when with him. it made him proud to know that they could look but not touch because he was my choice. i used to feel the same when i'd catch a woman checking him out. we would also point each other's types out to the other because it didn't matter about just looking. we've been out with groups of friends, but where it's very obvious that i was with him as my husband, and still had guys come up and start chatting me up. again it didn't bother him because i was his and he knew i had no interest in those people.

i guess where it would bother me is in a casual thing whereby the other person has other partners. it may well be ok that they see other people, but i wouldn't want to feel like he was checking those potentials out in front of me. or as others have said, outright oggling is just rude

it's all going to depend on how secure you feel. if you know it means nothing then why worry, if it's such a big deal then either he has to kerb it somewhat or you move on.

needles

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 7:11:19 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


quote:

ORIGINAL: julietfell

We've talked about it a bunch and he tries to stop but he sat me down recently and said that it's just who he is, and he's really sorry, but I'm going to have to accept it.

You know how we tell children not to stare because it's rude? Why does he get a free pass because it's 'who he is'? That's slapping a corny self-help slogan onto an excuse for behaving like a five-year-old. It doesn't make his behaviour ok.



This.

And I guess for me, whether or not the guy in question is actually doing what I would consider staring. Looking appreciatively at others can be done without making the person you are looking at uncomfortable. Unless they are insecure and uncomfortable with any attention.

I tend to not even notice it unless it's followed by something verbal. I am a people watcher. I check out all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons. If that bothered someone I was with then yes, it is their problem and yes they do need to deal with it. I am not going to put on blinders and forego one of my greatest pleasures in life.

I think that the biggest mistake anyone can make is assuming WHY someone is looking. 99.9% of the time I am not looking because the person in question is hot. It is actually quite rare that I see anyone good looking enough to warrant a second glance. People are just interesting to watch.

OP, if you are all that damned bothered by it.......buy the guy a pair of sunglasses that conceal his eyes and tell him to move his eyes, not his head. Problem solved.

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RE: staring - 6/19/2011 7:25:11 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rawtape

Just curious; was your dom raised outside the States? Because different cultures often have different mores about staring, eye contact, and personal space. Even in the vanilla arena, I recently had to sit one of my colleagues down and tell him that his staring/eye contact behaviour was making some of his peers and juniors uncomfortable.


I'm thinking more than a little that THIS needs to be taken into consideration.





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