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electricred -> RE: Here's another part-time "LDR" thread... (4/25/2011 8:16:34 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: aromanholiday
I have a couple of questions before I can answer in more depth.
1. Why do you think the couple of nights a week isn't enough and that a distance of two hours is going to be a potential problem? The reason I ask is because normally, if everything was going smooth in a relationship, most people do not think of asking for advice. Also, is the problem or potential problem that you see on her end or your end? Who is bothered most by it? I realize these are personal questions. No need to go into detail, of course. In fact, I recommend you not do so on a public message board, but a general idea of why you anticipate this becoming an issue would help me to know better what to say in response.
2. Do you plan upon taking this to permanent live-together status and if so what is your timeline for that? What I can suggest hinges upon your answer to this question, as different long-term goals require different approaches. Just as a for instance, if you do not envision you and her living together within the next year or two and you still want to own her, then your activities should be informed by the goal that you need to prepare her to tolerate and be content with distance control for an indefinite time period.
" --- Set guidelines and times for meals, and make her go running and practice yoga daily. It's not that I'm trying to tell her she's out of shape, but because she has a bad habit of rarely eating and can't stick to workout routines. She has told me she feels much better about herself when she sticks to her routines and eats right, so maybe if it's something I demand, she will be more driven. I also would probably work out or do cardio at the same time she does."
I can say something about this one right now. It's a great idea for establishing more control. But for the above to work, you need to make her accountable for her obedience. By this, I mean she should report her activities to you daily for review. In writing. She can record her food intake and activities in a diary kept during the day.If she's never done this before, it'll initially be a little annoying. She may find she forgets to report things if she doesn't write them down as soon as she's eaten them. And writing down your food right after eating it is also annoying, at first. She may find it a pain to measure foods (most people think they can judge food quantity accurately by eye and guessing; most people are wrong, unless they've weighed food regularly for a year or two--after that you start to get a feel for actual quantities but it always helps to measure/weigh anything before it goes into your mouth). She may find it tedious to ask google what the calories were for everything she consumed that day. But in time these become routines that she won't have to think much about. Daily reporting by her and careful monitoring by you of what she reports is important to make this stick. And, as it probably doesn't need to be said, having consequences for noncompliance is equally important.
In the beginning, just watch. Observe carefully over a decent period of time (1-2 months) both exercise and foods: the name of the food, the quantity (she may need to buy a food scale for this), and the approximate time she ate it. Calories can be easily calculated by her online. Those should be reported as well as the daily intake total. Significant exercise (like a yoga class) should go on the same report: amount, type, and approximately when she did it. During that period, she will get used to the routines of recording, calculating, reporting and also become relaxed with providing this information to you.
Once you have a clear idea of what she is doing/is not doing, then you can start to modify the pattern: tell her she has to do X exercise sessions a week instead of Y sessions, for instance. Or eat a minimum of X number of calories per day. Slowly increase the control over this. I'd recommend you research nutrition if you don't know a lot about the subject, and, after 6-8 weeks of her taking in her caloric minimum, start to make changes so that the majority of those calories are healthy ones, not "empty" or dangerous-for-health calories such as those from junk food/alcohol. Don't be too micro-managing over this: let her select the foods she likes to eat, but if she's eating an unbalanced diet, insist that more of the calories come from whatever food group she is deficient in. This is especially important in someone who does not eat a lot: what they do eat needs to count as they may otherwise not get all the nutrition they need. All of the above is standard nutrition/diet advice for an otherwise healthy person (if she has other health issues, tread very carefully here, obviously. Do nothing that might exacerbate those conditions.)
Many diet/nutrition programs provide the sort of reporting structure described above because it helps people to meet their goals. They feel accountable for meeting them. Getting the structure from you rather than from some impersonal for-profit nutrition program will be far more meaningful to her, obviously. She will also likely feel more controlled by you (an obvious goal in distance relationships) if you decide to change around what she does, but initially, only do so if there is good "business logic" behind it (i.e., don't start out with whim-based changes; save those for later). For example, you may think she needs to develop a bit more musculature, sometimes people who don't eat a lot or are quite thin are not really strong. So you might add or substitute some form of weight training activities to the yoga. Or you may want to change her eating patterns around: have her eat at certain times or maybe just not eat at other times. Or eat more of certain types of food that she is not getting enough of or less highly-processed foods. Most people, no matter what their weight, do not eat enough servings of fruits and vegetables. Five servings per day (this sounds like a lot but a serving is only about 4-5 oz or about the amount of the food that you can hold easily in your fist) is considered optimal by many nutrition programs. That might be a good place to start changing this--that is, assuming you have determined she isn't taking in a good proportion of these categories of of foods.
Finally, you could give her reading assignments, articles or books you find that provide sound information on nutrition. Starting people off with the "Eat This, Not That" serious of articles you can find on yahoo (and also in books) are often big eye-openers for people who've never closely examined their food intake before, particularly that of highly processed or prepared foods.
One Caveat: while normally going into great detail with someone in an area you want them to change is a good idea, if she has any history of eating disorders, particularly anorexia or binge/purging, be very careful how you approach this. Go quite slowly and easily at first. The level of careful monitoring and control I describe above could re-excite the obsessive/compulsive elements of such a disorder. You don't want to do that, if at all possible, as those behaviors are much harder to break in a person (and quite harmful to their health, obviously). But in general, assuming she has no issues in this area, then the more detail and control you add to to the activity, assuming it doesn't conflict with what you enjoy and want to control about her (this latter is important: if it becomes a "job" for you, she will sense that you are serving her and that may confuse/discourage her), the more a person with a strong need to obey will like it. It will make her feel safe, contained, controlled, and give her even more of that wonderful, special feeling that you are watching her and watching over her.
I wasn't able to PM or access your profile, so I'll respond here.
1 - The distance hasn't been a problem, other than the fact that we aren't able to see each other when we want. There hasn't been any signs of specific problems coming at all, but not being able to see each other often is an annoyance. We are both slightly stressed with the distance, which is why it might become a problem. It costs a lot of money and adjusting schedules to see each other.
2 - I could definitely see us living together within 1-2 years, but it's not something that's been discussed yet. It may be something we talk about this fall, though.
3 - I would be interested in more information on how to handle the diet/workout regime for someone who has had a history of eating disorders. This sub had previously been anorexic, and while that isn't a problem now, it's a major reason I feel the need to regulate her health. I'm fairly educated on nutrition through playing sports my entire life, so it wouldn't be difficult or seem like a job for me to help her. I want her to feel safe and enjoy doing as she's told, and benefit from it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
Electricred, why not keep it simple and build it up over time, and trust your instincts instead of labelling yourself as 'unoriginal'. Orders have to be something you believe in and have a purpose in order to be useful. Be creative by all means, but surely going all out to come up with 'interesting' orders just for the sake of it has little purpose?
Start with the basic principle: what type of woman do you want? where can she improve? what orders/rules do I need to put in place to generate this improvement?
Simple examples: she stays up late at night?, then get her to bed early (presumably you want a lively woman on your hands); her diet could be better? then make some changes (presumably you'e concerned with her health); she spends too much time posting on message boards and not enough time on learning, then regulate her time (presumably you want a knowledgable woman).
The orders/rules have to have a purpose, and presumably there's no better purpose than moulding her into the type of woman you want on your hands. Simple order/rules will be effective in order to cement the dynamic.
Edited to add: ahh, just viewed your 'just a bit of fun' post.....presumably code for instant sexual gratification.....takes all sorts, I suppose....
I don't want to force myself into the details of her life, although it seems like she might be comfortable with it. I'm going to start with small changes that could benefit her, and others that are more for sexual pleasure than personal control. I'm not sure how far to take this yet, so I'm keeping it simple. I'm brainstorming, not developing an extensive list of demands, so many of these won't be implemented. I'm only trying to have a good time, help her if I'm able, and see where it goes.
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