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agirl -> RE: I need tips on verbal abuse as a dom. (4/21/2011 9:14:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Revenge93
quote:
ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Hey dude...I just got back to this thread and obviously, you have clarified your points and now I understand. Sorry for appearing to be judgemental, but as it has been said, all we ever have to go on is how and what someone writes.
Now onto the issue....I also very much agree with KentAltDom.
Here is the thing from a sub point of view and I actually think I can help a tad. My ex husband was like you; he wanted to do whatever it was I desired but had a personal threshold (with the verbal and physical) that he could not cross. He tried, but I needed more than what he could provide. I understood you cannot push a man past a barrier like that. He had issues within himself that only he could deal with.
Onto my ex boyfriend. He had never experienced this lifestyle with anyone before me (he is much younger than me). Since we had awesome chemistry I was able to construct what we did slowly but surely in the direction I wanted. Now, unlike my ex husband, HE had no qualms about saying or doing anything that turned him on.
And here is where the relevance to you comes in: while I loved rough and kinky talk, being dirty and deviant, being called you slut, whore, etc. I was not and am not into degradation.
So, it is a case of experimentation. If he said you hot fucking whore, I loved it. If he EVER said, you ugly, worthless fucking whore, I would go ballistic. There is a line to be crossed with everyone.
In your case, you need communication, communication and more communication on both your parts. She needs to let you know what level of verbal she needs and you need to let her know what you are comfortable with.
Believe me, it will be a work in progress, mine certainly was for 12 years. I let him say and do things I NEVER thought I would and I also learned what was unacceptable to be said or done to me.
Hope that helped.
Thanks for checking back in and being understanding.
Well, this sub enjoys being called a whore, and to be treated accordingly. It's relatively early into our relationship, so I'm still getting a feel for her boundaries and interests (which so far I've not hit a brick wall with anything). She tells me constantly how much she enjoys the things I've been saying to her, but that she thinks I'm holding back, and that she wants to me to be "meaner", and even yell. I'm comfortable staying calm and talking to her, but I've never raised my voice or really understand how far she wants me to take it. I've not really though about a difference between degradation and the more docile verbal abuse I've been doing. So, thanks, because your clarification it will make it easier to put into words and ask about.
To be honest, it'd be very hard for M to *degrade* me because I have years and years of affirmation that he thinks extremely well of me........so he can pretty much go full steam ahead on the *humiliation* front.
One thing here though......M goes at his own pace. He doesn't crack on just because I say I like something.
He is perfectly fine with me talking about what I enjoy but he's never going to get involved until HE is certain I'm not running away with myself and that he is at LEAST 99% certain of the outcome.
There are some things he knows I'd like to experience and even knowing him for over a decade, he's not prepared to do........yet. And some things he's done, were years in the pipeline.
This is a trust type of thing....... YOU have to be sure that when you decide to DO that thing she says she wants, that YOU have enough security that the outcome will be be a good one. So, you need to be able to trust HER........NOT just what she says she likes/wants/gets her hot/fancies the idea of.
You're still getting a*feel for her boundaries and interests* and while this is something she might like, it's a good idea to wait until you think you can confidently get stuck in. If you're still getting to know her, then she's still getting to know you.....someone has to be in control of what gets done and when.
In hindsight, I'm thankful that M didn't do some of the things I expressed an interest in, because it wasn't until they ACTUALLY occured that I looked back and realised that if he'd gone ahead at the time, they may very well have not turned out so beautifully. They were all worth waiting for even when they took years, because there were NO doubts on either side.
It doesn't matter how much I say I like/want/wish for something, it'll only ever occur when HE is confident that it is the right time. He will not do anything that he isn't comfortable with on whatever front. It's not that it won't ever happen, it's not that he can't/won't......it's that *I* am not getting what *I* express I want JUST because I've expressed it.
It's not just ME involved and if it goes *tits up*, it's down to him and that's serious enough for him to wait until he certain.
On the humiliation aspect, when you know her well, you'll be confident in what and how you can get her all het up. She's working off of an *idea* of what it might be like at the moment, not off of the reality of it.
YOU know YOU better than she does, and YOU know what you are confident with and are comfortable doing. That is your guide to a positive outcome.
We've done things that neither of us had ever done before, at times, but even then, they were done knowing that there's be no negative fallout because we were in the same boat........and have years of knowing each other extremely well, and trust, behind us.
agirl
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