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RE: Change in play style? - 4/18/2011 11:04:46 PM

CherryNeko

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That was really a helpful reply, thank you! It makes me feel more comprehensive of the situation. The parts about sex and the frequency of play were relieving, and I liked very much your answers. I feel more informed now, that's what I wanted.

Thank you for answering my questions! I will now answer yours:

>Are my needs getting met?
I'm replying to this question in regard to play. Yes, I would even say more than before, although now he really gets serious. Maybe the only need he's not meeting is that he would call me a good girl very often (I'm crazy like that), and I really miss that. However, this new intense dynamic sort of lessens his playful side and I've noticed he gets sort of contemplative. Or maybe we're just tired, cause I know I am.

>Do I like this type of play?
Strangely, yes. I thought I didn't, but it started as a compensation behavior for having missed me during the time when we were both buried in work. Now I think I want it more than he does once it's started. He may have gotten mean, but he still stops when I get angry. Besides, he gives me a special look when he likes what is going on. I have to take a picture of it someday...

>Do I need to have sex or have a traditional type of orgasm to be satisfied?
It has been satisfying to do this and I don't really need an orgasm right now. In a month, probably it will all have changed, and I wouldn't like to give my cute chick-flick sex up in favor of pain sessions.

quote:

I'd assume he's getting what he needs right now, the question really is you.

My need for information may not be getting met right now, but I think he isn't sure himself of some things. I want to postpone the important questions a little, so that I can make my mind about this without jumping to conclusions, and make some research. Your post and LadyPact's post have been really wonderful, and now I am less worried. I would like to be supportive instead of confused when we talk (doesn't that sound nice...), so I'm trying to really do some research.

So far, I have found it's normal for people to come to terms with the sadistic side a while later, and that when it happens, sessions take place more often. The sex remains unchanged, and sometimes it's even fueled, but it doesn't disappear from people's lives.

It's mostly good information. We'll have that conversation anyway, and we'll talk about everything. I'm just now more at peace with the majority of this, and the information has been quite inspiring.

Thank you!

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/18/2011 11:07:55 PM

CherryNeko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

He is pure sadist it's that simple. Watching you beg only increases his pleasure ala silence of the lambs. The sadism will get more severe as this does not sound like a "passing interest". Going from once a month to twice a week and no sex. I'd be real careful around this guy he sounds pathological.

BadOne

There are sadists, and then there are people with sadistic tendencies who like to find masochist partners to have consensual "fun" with. It can be very hard to tell the difference. Your partner's actions raise a big red flag with me, OP, especially the no sex part. IMO, he has replaced pain with pleasure in his brain. I agree with BadOne, he will escalate, I think if you look back you will see he is doing that at a faster and faster rate.

If so, he's dangerous.

Okay. Thank you, I'll make sure to keep an eye on that.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/18/2011 11:26:04 PM

caelestis

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So sometime last year I met this guy. Really liked this guy, had a great connection with this guy. Said guy had heard about BDSM and was curious and I was the first submissive he was with. It started out slowly because he was hesitant to really hurt me, he was testing the waters. Once he became comfortable with one aspect of things and comfortable with the fact that I wasn't going to freak out at some "weird" fetish or fantasy, it was as if he suddenly wanted to try everything, test out all the stuff he'd been unable to until now. He went through a sadistic streak (and while confused at the time, I adored it) and then just as suddenly became interested in a different type of play.

I'm guessing (if I'm wrong, sorry) that its relatively new to you both? At the very least the sadism part. It could be that he is comfortable with the idea of being able to act on sadistic feelings and is just really enjoying the new type of play. Sort of like when you hear a new song and you really like it and listen to it until everyone around you wants that song to go away and never come back. I can really only compare to previous experience in a like situation. It may not be fitting to you at all, but I hope it helps.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/18/2011 11:26:50 PM

CherryNeko

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Well he does ask for my permission beforehand and we do comment on it when it's over, but deep, hidden feelings is precisely what we have to talk about now.

quote:

Pick a time that is completely away from play or romance of any sort where you can have a frank conversation.

That exactly was my plan! I'll do it.

Thank you!

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/18/2011 11:46:05 PM

CherryNeko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: caelestis

So sometime last year I met this guy. Really liked this guy, had a great connection with this guy. Said guy had heard about BDSM and was curious and I was the first submissive he was with. It started out slowly because he was hesitant to really hurt me, he was testing the waters. Once he became comfortable with one aspect of things and comfortable with the fact that I wasn't going to freak out at some "weird" fetish or fantasy, it was as if he suddenly wanted to try everything, test out all the stuff he'd been unable to until now. He went through a sadistic streak (and while confused at the time, I adored it) and then just as suddenly became interested in a different type of play.

I'm guessing (if I'm wrong, sorry) that its relatively new to you both? At the very least the sadism part. It could be that he is comfortable with the idea of being able to act on sadistic feelings and is just really enjoying the new type of play. Sort of like when you hear a new song and you really like it and listen to it until everyone around you wants that song to go away and never come back. I can really only compare to previous experience in a like situation. It may not be fitting to you at all, but I hope it helps.

It helps. You have a point there, because even though we had been together for a while, we had settled in a style that made it easy to both get the thrill and try some new things, lightly. Maybe he’s not as softcore as I am, but so far I have found myself liking this in a way which could only mean I’m not that softcore either. Just scared. Yes, I am new to this, but he isn’t. Well, yes he is, practically. I’m literally new, but he used to have little sessions with his past girlfriend. This is so different to the other posts, I appreciate it! I somehow skipped the fact that he could have been testing the waters with me. I don’t know how I could have missed it, when it seems so obvious once you say it. Anyway, the explanation seems to fit. I’ll remember this.
Thanks very much.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/19/2011 6:43:39 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko

Oh god, that was incredible. I even had to reread a number of times. What you wrote gave me a much needed perspective, and it made me think. Thank you very much for your answer, LadyPact! I really found it helpful.

I'm glad it helped.

I'm not necessarily sure that I agree with the folks who have said that the change in the play style is something to be worried about. I have to wonder a bit if they are seeing something differently than I do based on the difference of someone having always been sadistic (like SailingBum) and someone like Me who came to sadism later. I know that a part of that, for Me, was going through the process of accepting sadism. That happened in varying stages.

When I crossed over (for lack of a better term) there was that period I mentioned earlier of getting My feet wet. It was something of an experimentation and affirmation stage. I wanted to do X and I was still following through that X was really ok and not all of that stuff that I was taught about 'don't hit/hurt people'. Part of that was gaining confidence and going from hoping it was ok to knowing it was ok. I was having a blast and My play partners were having a blast, so that started to happen. It was kind of like being a kid in a candy store. Better.

Towards the end of that process, I probably was burning the candle at both ends there for a while. That might be exactly the point where your Dominant is now. If it is, a whole new world is opening up for him.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/19/2011 8:49:57 AM

Rochsub2009

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I wish more male sadist would comment on this thread. While your experience is quite insightful, LadyPact, I think that a male Dom might have a different perspective on his complete loss of interest in sex.

Remember, statistics say that men think about sex once every 2 minutes or something like that. I hate to make us sound shallow, but men are ruled by our dicks. I've known many women who preferred cuddling to sex, or oral sex to intercourse. But I don't know many men who choose other options over sex. Particularly not for an extended period of time when sex is readily available and their partner wants sex. That just strikes me as suspicious.

I'd also caution the OP that NONE of our opinions mean anything. You have to talk to him. He is the only one who has the answers that you seek.

Good luck.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/19/2011 7:43:42 PM

CherryNeko

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Well, most men agree that they wouldn't change sex for any other thing. However, from my point of view, it depends on the person, not the gender. The difference that the majority of posters see is that he is a male sadist.

I've thought about it a lot these days, and I can't bring myself to feel worried for his becoming excited about pain. It's just his apparent replacing of sex with sadism what is the problem, but it could be a natural consequence, and it's happened to someone before (regardless of their gender). I think it's an infatuation, although I don't know if it will evolve into something permanent or into something else.

I relate what I had thought he was going through to what you have mentioned about your own experience. However, I still wouldn't know precisely about what they say, because I'm a woman; and they are men. I still have to take it into account, but it's less worrying that way, because our way of thinking would easily deal with that.

quote:

It was kind of like being a kid in a candy store. Better.

I'm going to quote you someday.

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/19/2011 7:52:56 PM

CherryNeko

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I can say I'd never prefer cuddling/oral to intercourse, but that may be me.
Thinking about sex really often doesn't make a man appear shallow, just natural! Well, 2 minutes sounds kind of exaggerated to me, but who am I to contradict statistics.

This isn't in Ask a Master because I didn't think it would be a gender issue. In retrospective, I accept it would have been a good idea to include it there, because I do want to know how it works for them. However, I got really interesting points of view, and the information came from women. It relieved and appeased my hunger for real information, and I know that was really what I was looking for.

I'll still keep in mind everything everyone had to say, of course.
Thank you very much, Rochsub!

< Message edited by CherryNeko -- 4/19/2011 7:53:18 PM >

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RE: Change in play style? - 4/19/2011 7:53:33 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I wish more male sadist would comment on this thread. While your experience is quite insightful, LadyPact, I think that a male Dom might have a different perspective on his complete loss of interest in sex.

Remember, statistics say that men think about sex once every 2 minutes or something like that. I hate to make us sound shallow, but men are ruled by our dicks. I've known many women who preferred cuddling to sex, or oral sex to intercourse. But I don't know many men who choose other options over sex. Particularly not for an extended period of time when sex is readily available and their partner wants sex. That just strikes me as suspicious.

I'd also caution the OP that NONE of our opinions mean anything. You have to talk to him. He is the only one who has the answers that you seek.

Good luck.

Reasons why I am beginning to have great respect for the Rochsub.

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