Change in play style? (Full Version)

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CherryNeko -> Change in play style? (4/18/2011 10:39:36 AM)

I would like to know if someone can please send me a link to any threads on this subject, because I tried by myself, but I didn’t find anything.

My boyfriend seems to have changed a little. When we played before, our focus was on dominance and submission, and maybe some thrilling experiment. When it ended I was left in this raw state of wanting more, and it usually turned into sexual arousal, and it ended up in sex. Sex was kind of frequent, even when slightly vanilla. Pain was our way of punishment, but on the rare occassions when it was not, he just liked to hear me beg for it, not to actually take it. It wasn’t our main thing.

Now the focus is more like sadism and submission, and we’ve changed from playing once a month to playing twice a week, more or less. He has grown really intense against me and the compliments disappear until aftercare, where they practically rain. He’s way more demanding now. I’m left breathless, we fall asleep wherever we can when it’s over. There is no sex now, just no sex. It’s like his entire focus changed to sadism.

I’m not terribly worried, because he seems happy still, but it was such a change, from teasing to torturing or from encouraging to threatening. He enjoys making it difficult for me and he wasn’t initially like that, not this much. I don’t think it’s normal, but then again, I’m actually kind of new to this. The search terms I used may not have been precise enough. He suddenly turned into a sadist, or he suddenly unlocked his sadism. He was not like that.

(I just don’t want to touch the subject with him, yet.)

Basically I want to know how often it happens, and especially what the main reactions are, for both parts. Any thread or comment about that will help.
Thank you.



LadyPact -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 10:50:25 AM)

I'm not sure that I could direct you to a particular thread, but I am one of those folks who came into the sadism part long after I was in My first dynamic.  I may or may not be able to help you.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 11:15:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko
...and it usually turned into sexual arousal, and it ended up in sex. Sex was kind of frequent, even when slightly vanilla.

Now the focus is more like sadism and submission, and we’ve changed from playing once a month to playing twice a week, more or less. ..........There is no sex now, just no sex. It’s like his entire focus changed to sadism.


I am not shocked that he has discovered his inner sadist, or that he wants to explore that side of himself.  I'm sure there have been things that you became obsessed with for a short time when you first discovered them (e.g. Starbucks, World of Warcraft, Ben & Jerry's, Prada, etc.).  Once the glow is off, life usually returns to normal. 

The concern that I have is his total loss of interest in sex.  This surprises me.  Even though he's a sadist, he's still a man.  And there aren't many men who will turn down readily available pussy (no offense).  After all, sadism and sex aren't mutually exclusive.  For many, one often leads to the other.  In fact, it sounds like your relationship was once this way; sadism was a precursor to sex.

So what changed?  I know he's a sadist, but that's not the answer I'm looking for.  Young, virile men don't usually go celibate for long periods of time.  Especially when they have a girlfriend who is asking (begging?) for sex.

My theory is that either he has a big stack of porn somewhere, or you are not the only woman in his life.  I just find it hard to believe that he's chosen voluntary celibacy.  I guess I'm just pessimistic like that.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 11:25:25 AM)

The only real solution/answer to this is to talk to him. Any threads someone might direct you to would not be about you and him. Even if you are ok, even like, this new development, your post indicates a need to talk about it. Waiting is only going to make things more difficult because the longer the behavior continues without you saying anything, the more likely he is to be surprised and/or confused. Peronally I would be really put off by the sudden absence of sex, but that's just me.

Good luck.



DarkSteven -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 11:34:10 AM)

Rochsub said exactly what I was thinking and said it well. So just pretend that his post came from me.[:)]



Muttling -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 11:37:00 AM)

I've known several couples who have experienced this.   I admire your willingness to please him and it is important to your submissive side, but you should also be able to voice your desire for other activities and your concern for the degrading language that only ends when play is done.



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 2:14:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm not sure that I could direct you to a particular thread, but I am one of those folks who came into the sadism part long after I was in My first dynamic.  I may or may not be able to help you.


I was trying to formulate a concise question about it, but my mind strayed from the task into a sea of things I want to know.

There are, of course, questions directly related to my post. Do you think your sadistic personality was strong enough in the beginning to be considered (if correctly handled) as more satisfying than sex? Has sadism made you want to play more frequently? If you had a partner right then, how did he react?

Yet I would also like to know about your point of view, since it is direct information from an experienced sadist. I’m interested in things like... what do you like the most? Is it seeing someone suffer, or perhaps it is something else? What do you really like someone to do when cornered by you? I ask because I can see that it’s not only the pain, but more something elses that are difficult for me to grasp right now. Also, is there a main thought in your head when your sadistic part awakens? A fantasy, a hunger, a need, a desire maybe? Or is the fantasy always there? And how do you feel during play, and once it’s over? When do you know you’ve had enough?

Of course, it’s not a questionnaire; I just wanted to be specific in order to express better what I was interested in knowing. I don’t really know much about real sadism. We used to just play around with it.

I will ask him, but not today. I want to do some research first, probably find something to offer, something that I could develop. I am excited about this, but slightly worried at the same time. I want to be prepared when he tells me.



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 2:15:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko
...and it usually turned into sexual arousal, and it ended up in sex. Sex was kind of frequent, even when slightly vanilla.

Now the focus is more like sadism and submission, and we’ve changed from playing once a month to playing twice a week, more or less. ..........There is no sex now, just no sex. It’s like his entire focus changed to sadism.


I am not shocked that he has discovered his inner sadist, or that he wants to explore that side of himself.  I'm sure there have been things that you became obsessed with for a short time when you first discovered them (e.g. Starbucks, World of Warcraft, Ben & Jerry's, Prada, etc.).  Once the glow is off, life usually returns to normal. 

The concern that I have is his total loss of interest in sex.  This surprises me.  Even though he's a sadist, he's still a man.  And there aren't many men who will turn down readily available pussy (no offense).  After all, sadism and sex aren't mutually exclusive.  For many, one often leads to the other.  In fact, it sounds like your relationship was once this way; sadism was a precursor to sex.

So what changed?  I know he's a sadist, but that's not the answer I'm looking for.  Young, virile men don't usually go celibate for long periods of time.  Especially when they have a girlfriend who is asking (begging?) for sex.

My theory is that either he has a big stack of porn somewhere, or you are not the only woman in his life.  I just find it hard to believe that he's chosen voluntary celibacy.  I guess I'm just pessimistic like that.



No, I appreciate your advice and will consider it, I’ll especially watch out for that porn stack xDD. Thank you!
(He is quite opinionated about cheating, so it’s not that probable...)



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 2:16:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

The only real solution/answer to this is to talk to him. Any threads someone might direct you to would not be about you and him. Even if you are ok, even like, this new development, your post indicates a need to talk about it. Waiting is only going to make things more difficult because the longer the behavior continues without you saying anything, the more likely he is to be surprised and/or confused. Peronally I would be really put off by the sudden absence of sex, but that's just me.

Good luck.


You know, I will take your advice and talk to him soon. Thank you very much!



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 2:17:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Rochsub said exactly what I was thinking and said it well. So just pretend that his post came from me.[:)]


Okay ^-^ Thanks then!



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 2:20:33 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

I've known several couples who have experienced this.   I admire your willingness to please him and it is important to your submissive side, but you should also be able to voice your desire for other activities and your concern for the degrading language that only ends when play is done.


It’s not that the language is degrading, it’s that he used to call me a good girl for every difficult thing I did well, and now he’s become... well, a chuckling fan of my frightened squirming. I'm just not used to it...

At least we're not the only ones! It would be interesting to know how it was for those other couples, or how they felt; but for now, the fact that they went through it too is a relief. Seriously, thank you.



SailingBum -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 3:10:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko


quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

I've known several couples who have experienced this.   I admire your willingness to please him and it is important to your submissive side, but you should also be able to voice your desire for other activities and your concern for the degrading language that only ends when play is done.


It’s not that the language is degrading, it’s that he used to call me a good girl for every difficult thing I did well, and now he’s become... well, a chuckling fan of my frightened squirming. I'm just not used to it...

At least we're not the only ones! It would be interesting to know how it was for those other couples, or how they felt; but for now, the fact that they went through it too is a relief. Seriously, thank you.



He is pure sadist it's that simple. Watching you beg only increases his pleasure ala silence of the lambs. The sadism will get more severe as this does not sound like a "passing interest". Going from once a month to twice a week and no sex. I'd be real careful around this guy he sounds pathological.

BadOne



LadyPact -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 3:23:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko
I was trying to formulate a concise question about it, but my mind strayed from the task into a sea of things I want to know.

There are, of course, questions directly related to my post. Do you think your sadistic personality was strong enough in the beginning to be considered (if correctly handled) as more satisfying than sex?

I wouldn't specifically say it in the beginning.  I had to get My feet a bit wet, first.  Also, I had to do that bit about 'accepting sadism'.  (That's what I called the part about unlearning what we're all taught about how it's not ok to enjoy hurting people.)

If you skip the "in the beginning" part, My answer is an emphatic yes.  I get off on sadism in such a way that physical sex (fucking) isn't really necessary. 

quote:

Has sadism made you want to play more frequently?

Absolutely.

quote:

If you had a partner right then, how did he react?

Are you talking about My other half or about play partners?  Let's stick with the other half......

We didn't have your situation.  The sex part didn't stop between us when I topped other people.  Yes, if we drove to Atlanta and I topped until 3:00 AM, he knew I was just plain tired.  If I want sex, it's usually going to be after I get some rest.  Wanting it is actually debatable.  I may or I may not depending on various factors.  Since we don't play with each other, it was never a big deal if I engaged in sadism on Saturday and we went to bed early on Sunday to have our time with each other.

quote:

Yet I would also like to know about your point of view, since it is direct information from an experienced sadist. I’m interested in things like... what do you like the most?

Between sex and sadism?  It honestly depends on My mood.  I have gone through periods in My life where I've voluntarily gone without sex.  I can't say that I've done that since I came into sadism.  It would probably be harder for Me to give up the sadism, but I haven't had to do that for any period that was even a month at a time.

quote:

Is it seeing someone suffer, or perhaps it is something else?

That's part of it.  The bottom line answer though is that I just plain enjoy inflicting pain.  It doesn't always matter to Me if the other person enjoys (I didn't say didn't consent, I said didn't enjoy) receiving the pain or not.  I love the force I get to use.  The reactions that I get from others when the pain is being inflicted.  I love the rush associated with it.  I like controlling people through pain.  If it's on the list associated with "sadism," I can guarantee that it's probably on My happy list.

quote:

What do you really like someone to do when cornered by you?

I'm not really sure what you mean by this.  My tastes in inflicting pain are rather....... eclectic.  It's all going to depend on what I'm in the mood to do and how I interact with the person that I'm dealing with.  One day, it might be that I want to look at pretty whip marks on someone's back and the next day I want to watch how much fun it is to jolt them with electricity.  I happen to love needles.  (The top space is very unique with that kind of play.)  I
may just be in the mood to beat someone with the stick (we call it the ugly stick) because I know how much they absolutely HATE it. 

quote:

I ask because I can see that it’s not only the pain, but more something elses that are difficult for me to grasp right now. Also, is there a main thought in your head when your sadistic part awakens? A fantasy, a hunger, a need, a desire maybe? Or is the fantasy always there?

The undercurrent is always there.  Inspiration for it can come from anything.  This is why it never makes sense to Me when folks come to these boards and say they have run out of ideas.  I don't understand how that is even possible!  All it takes is a thought in My head that says, "oh, I could use that to hurt people".  "This would be really cool to use" or "I wonder what kind of marks this would make".  It can come from outside influence (reading, watching other people play, etc) but it doesn't have to be. 

quote:

And how do you feel during play, and once it’s over?

Exhilarated.

quote:

When do you know you’ve had enough?

When I'm too tired to continue or the bottom can't take anymore.  It's actually not that unusual for Me to finish a scene with one person and just move on to the next.  (After the aftercare is done, of course.)  I'm very lucky on the endorphin issue.  I can ride top space well into the next day if I've had a good night of play the night before.

quote:

Of course, it’s not a questionnaire; I just wanted to be specific in order to express better what I was interested in knowing. I don’t really know much about real sadism. We used to just play around with it.

It was a bit easier for Me to answer it that way.  I hope that worked out.

quote:

I will ask him, but not today. I want to do some research first, probably find something to offer, something that I could develop. I am excited about this, but slightly worried at the same time. I want to be prepared when he tells me.

If it makes you feel better, he's probably not going to tell you that he feels like uber sadist now.  It sounds more like he's realizing that he has some freedom in his sadistic expression and right now, is just so freaking cool!  This is the part that comes right after folks get past the accepting themselves part.  You might find some people have expressed this feeling and referred to it as "the best within".  Sounds like he's just on the other side of that and having a blast with it.

This is not to say that I think the whole lack of physical sex is cool.  That's the part that would seem to have the priority in My eyes.  Of course, I'm saying that knowing that I'm NOT the person who's ass is on the receiving end.



sheisreeds -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 3:25:19 PM)

I'm in a sadomasochistic dynamic, in which we are both equal parts sadist and masochist. Just like any relationship our play and sex change and fluctuate a lot.

For me, and a lot of times my partner sadomaschocism is as good as or better than sex. Sometimes after a good scene of beating one another we're too tired and blissed out to think about sex. Like Saturday we were at a party and I just remember laying on the medical table staring at the ceiling and babbling. Too blissed out from cuttings and get hit with a bat (plastic bat!)

So we tend to either play a little bit and have sex, or go for an all out scene and it happens if it happens.

Also, there has definitely also been play, especially when really increasing my intensity and depravity level when I didn't want sex, I was turned off to sex but not to play. Enough comfort with those forms of play and I was into sex afterwards.

With my wiring I have to have S&M involved in some way to really get aroused, and enough S&M, and it's better than an orgasm for me.

The real question is, and I haven't seen the OP bring this up:

Are your needs getting met?

Do you like this type of play?

Do you need to have sex or have a traditional type of orgasm to be satisfied?

I'd assume he's getting what he needs right now, the question really is you.

****

edited to answer the questions specified by the OP

> Do you think your sadistic personality was strong enough in the beginning to be considered (if correctly handled) as more satisfying than sex?

In the beginning no, now totally.

> Has sadism made you want to play more frequently?

In the beginning yes, I wanted to play all the time. When the sadistic streak in me started to come out, it was much like when my masochism did, I was ravenous. Now, I more want to play to really make it count. I play heavy on average once a month, and light far more often.

> If you had a partner right then, how did he react?

He loved it, wishes I was actually more sadistic.

> what do you like the most? Is it seeing someone suffer, or perhaps it is something else?

I do love screaming, that really gets me going. Though more so it is the power and the control, it's the fact that I can make someone scream. It's also the fact that they want to scream and I have the power to give that to them. I also like fear, I like feeling the other party's anticipation. I like the hypervigilence when I'm topping I'm aware of everything around me.

> What do you really like someone to do when cornered by you?

Whatever response comes out of them naturally, that's what I want, whatever is raw and real.

> I ask because I can see that it’s not only the pain, but more something elses that are difficult for me to grasp right now.

Likely control and power.

> Also, is there a main thought in your head when your sadistic part awakens?

Not really, and it's always just kinda there.

> A fantasy, a hunger, a need, a desire maybe? Or is the fantasy always there?

I need it for sure, it's how I connect with my partner, but I don't have anything specific from it that I need.

> And how do you feel during play, and once it’s over?

During, I feel amazing, right after I feel serene and amazing. The next day I tend to feel a little drained. I get top drop and sub drop.

> When do you know you’ve had enough?

When my partner has had enough, fulfillment for me is their limit, and the fact that I got them there. When they're done I'm done. With my partner we've planned really heavy topping scenes where it was clear he was going to need to safeword out within minutes (like when I was hitting his privates with a rope dart). When he was done so was I, because I had gotten him to that destination, it was just as good as if it had gone on for hours.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 3:31:13 PM)

quote:

He is pure sadist it's that simple. Watching you beg only increases his pleasure ala silence of the lambs. The sadism will get more severe as this does not sound like a "passing interest". Going from once a month to twice a week and no sex. I'd be real careful around this guy he sounds pathological.

BadOne



There are sadists, and then there are people with sadistic tendencies who like to find masochist partners to have consensual "fun" with.  It can be very hard to tell the difference. Your partner's actions raise a big red flag with me, OP, especially the no sex part. IMO, he has replaced pain with pleasure in his brain. I agree with BadOne, he will escalate, I think if you look back you will see he is doing that at a faster and faster rate.

If so, he's dangerous.







Muttling -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 4:24:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CherryNeko


quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

I've known several couples who have experienced this.   I admire your willingness to please him and it is important to your submissive side, but you should also be able to voice your desire for other activities and your concern for the degrading language that only ends when play is done.


It’s not that the language is degrading, it’s that he used to call me a good girl for every difficult thing I did well, and now he’s become... well, a chuckling fan of my frightened squirming. I'm just not used to it...

At least we're not the only ones! It would be interesting to know how it was for those other couples, or how they felt; but for now, the fact that they went through it too is a relief. Seriously, thank you.




It was a very difficult transition for all of the couples I know and I have seen a common thread.   They never really sat down and talked about the new direction they were going, it was more "I want to try this..." or "What do you think of...."   The talk was focused on specific activities instead of the feelings surrounding them.

Pick a time that is completely away from play or romance of any sort where you can have a frank conversation.



DesFIP -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 8:45:14 PM)

If he has suddenly  become very vocal about cheating, while no longer wanting to have sex with you, I'd take that as a red flag. In exactly the same way that guys who cheat suddenly start accusing their partners of doing it.



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 9:35:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If he has suddenly  become very vocal about cheating, while no longer wanting to have sex with you, I'd take that as a red flag. In exactly the same way that guys who cheat suddenly start accusing their partners of doing it.


Well... he has always been like that... I think it was because it happened to him once. He's always been like that.

Thank you, I'll keep an eye open ^.^



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 9:38:25 PM)

(I know, right? ^^)



CherryNeko -> RE: Change in play style? (4/18/2011 10:07:05 PM)

Oh god, that was incredible. I even had to reread a number of times. What you wrote gave me a much needed perspective, and it made me think. Thank you very much for your answer, LadyPact! I really found it helpful.



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