Missokyst
Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline
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Recently here on CM, a woman who is fairly new to BDSM posted a question on what
dominants might do to punish their sub.
It made me take a step back... and with some consideration I posted a few
possible ideas for them to try.
Later I started to think of what it is I have I done in my own relationships. I know I seem like I am a serious person who probably doesn't have any playfulness in me at times, but for me, d/s is what allows my inner child to come out and play. Any playfulness I had as a child was kept underwraps until I felt it was safe enough to let out. If I were to peg the years I acted as a child I would say only between 1st and 5th grade as those were years I actually felt sand between my toes or dirt under my nails. Before those years it was not allowed, and after.. well.. life happened. I have learned to be self regulating, often going between being cautious and reckless in a blink of an eye. But even the reckless me was deliberately considered.
But, here is the thing, I was never disciplined. My teachers let me do what ever because I always got my work done before class was over. I had the run of the school as I went on my merry way getting other projects done. My parents never spanked me, any yelling they did was at each other, and the only time my mom ever slapped me was when I raised my voice to her (my only time) because she remarked that women who dressed a certain way, got raped and they probably deserved it. For the most part my family just went its own way.
I can say that I have felt on my own since before I was a teen.
Zoom forward a decade plus.. I was 25 when I met Steve shortly after my marriage ended. On our first major argument I walked out of a party in a bad neighborhood, determined to walk home (15 miles away). When he found me, he made me get on the motorcycle with him and we rode home.
He wasn't happy about my deliberate action and it led to a few hours of a naked me out on his porch and a sound spanking for taking the risk to walk home. He and I had a very old fashioned "man in charge" relationship, complete with spanking for bad behavior. But there was always rationale to his actions. He never demanded I obey him, he just hoped things
would go smoothly and if I was out of line he called me on it with spankings or standing me in a corner while we both cooled down.
I would say that our relationship had some punishment with the end result being that I would obey. Of course I mostly obeyed because I wanted to please him. The spankings were just a reminder for me to reconsider what was going on.
This was quite a bit different from my marriage in the years early where I was made to obey or be subject to yelling which I find intolerable.
My husband and I had a "no questions asked, just do it" type of cohabitation. I obeyed because it was easier than trying to argue.
There was never any physical punishment but we did have a lot of kinky sex.
Now, zoom forward again.
The most recent X and I had a more playful dynamic. For us it was fun, getting caught masturbating, smirking at his puns, taking a swat at him when he was not expecting it and getting my comeuppance in the end.
Ours was more of a funishment arrangement.
In fact... lol most of what I have done in the last decade or so has all been fun!
Getting tortured is fun.
Getting hauled over a sofa for a spontaneous spanking is fun.
Getting bent over and taken from behind without negotiating first is fun.
I had fun in the years before the x and I have had fun in the years since. I enjoy bdsm.
I enjoyed what I had with Steve too. The punishment dynamic seemed to fit for me at a time I felt no one cared what I did. And I will admit the sex was hotter after we resolved things with spankings.
But I did not enjoy what I had with my husband. The premise of just "obeying"
because he was the husband still rankles me to this day.
I have run the gamut from starting out as a slave who obeyed, to being a
submissive who required controlling, to.. to... what?
I enjoy bdsm. I love the physical nature of it. I love the playfulness of it. And I even enjoy making my partner happy because I am freakin in the clouds from being allowed to feel free, content and cherished in play, when so much of my
life has been about being controlled, responsible and staid.
I know I am not slave material. I hold too much resentment for things which to me, are illogical.
I am a submissive when that desire is sparked within, whether it is from his personality or my complete need to ensure he is happy enough to stay. I am definitely a masochist who relishes in banter designed to ignite a reaction.
I have been pretty lucky in my life in that I have only dated men who were kinked. It didn't take me long to discover what did not work (slavery) and what did. And thankfully I am not prone to letting other people's opinion of what I do effect my joy in doing it. lol I would suck at being a serious, always obedient, never questioning, mate. I need the playfulness in my life, regardless of how horrified people can be because for them, it is about avoiding punishment.
So, what do you enjoy?
Do you obey or expect obedience?
Do you sometimes need to feel the tug of a rein and the snap of a whip?
Do you need to control your mate or dole out pleasure or pain because it is what YOU want?
Or do you just want to wallow in pain or pleasure until gratitude spills out in to all areas of your
relationships?
_____________________________
pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley
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Funishment, punishment, or damn it just obey! - 
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