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Termyn8or -> RE: I need some help. (3/2/2011 3:53:11 PM)
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FR
Do not blame youself. You did not cause the illness, you didn't kill him. The thought that you "gave permission" somewhow isn't right. He didn't forget you once you walked out the door. If he decided not to fight anymore that was his decision. Would you rather have forced him to suffer longer ?
Death is a release. You see it that way if you are considering a bullet. Whatever your beliefs about the afterlife, it's probably better than this corporeal existence. Life in a way, is a test. It's wrong to quit until the time is right, and nobody knows when that is. Look at it this way, he is no longer suffering - you are. It is part of the test.
This is part of life, this page is dealing with the death of Parents and we all hope to get through that, know why ? Think of the alternative. If you don't outlive your Parents, what do you think it would do to them ? No matter how intense your grief, their's would be much worse for them to watch their children die.
Try to avoid drugs, legal or illegal. This has been going on since the dawn of humanity. It's not easy of course, but you WILL get through it. It may help to think of it objectivelty - what if YOU died ? No matter what, once you're dead it is rest. We will all get that rest someday, and there will be people left behind. People who cared about us. Would you want them to get doped up or put a bullet throught their head ? I doubt it. Would you want their life to end just because yours did ? I don't think so.
Compare this. My Father died in April 2009, and perhaps I am a callous ass, because I have seen things more trajic. What is more trajic than the death of my Father ? Well he lived a full enough life I guess. He abused himself with his drinking and his ways and he made it to seventy. Was that so bad ? How can I say that ? One of my closest friends, JM is dead. He was about two years younger than I. At the age of about thirty five he was on top of the world. This Man was the epitome of perseverence and hard work and it was finally starting to pay off. He was going to buy a nice big house a few years earlier, but decided to go for the certification (CDT) to start his own business instead. He was going on about his second year and doing vey well, so well in fact that he was finally just about out of debt with the IRS. One day, in the middle of the night he was entertaining company from far away (France actually) showing him the night life etc. (and he definitely knew where to find it) and one of those pesky trees jumped out in front of his car killing them both.
As really trajic as it was, should I pity him ? No. First of all I don't have pity, but there is something like it. Who should I "pity" ? His Mother. I was a pallbearer at her request, and as loquacious (sp?) as I seem, there were no words. Although she held up well at the funeral, we all knew damn well what she must be going through. I'm sure she would've traded places with him in a heartbeat. I would not blame her - if it were possible. She was seventy and he was in his thirties.
I don't know how many people have died on you, but I can tell you from experience that if you learn to live with it, you'll get to the point where you will no longer dwell on his death. Then you can see the good memories again without falling apart. You will miss him forever, and there's nothing anyone can do about that. In time, you will see that.
It is harder when you are yonger, no doubt. You shouldn't be going through this at this age. I should't have lost JM at such a young age, or my favorite cousin years earlier. But life is not fair. It kicked you harder than it kicks most people. But like anyone else, you heal, and grow.
Then you live. You think he had you to see you go down the tubes ? Hell no, any Parent wants to see their offspring do the best they possibly can. You might find it necessry to do a few crazy things, just don't get self destructive. Punch a wall, curse God, whatever it takes, just don't destroy yourself doing it.
If and when you want to talk face to face about it, a hospice might not be a bad place to start. You don't necessarily need a professional, you need others' understanding and to lend you an ear. Others who have recently lost someone will be worlds better than a "professional". At least they have an idea what you're going through. They are not necessarily there to help you, you help each other by listening. Be sure to listen, and while you're at it listen to those who have lost their child or sibling. Put it in perspective. It sounds impossible right now, but you'll find out you can.
Because you can.
T^T
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