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I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:13:59 AM

Gurlugon

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline

I'm afraid to talk to anybody...I don't know why. I guess it's a fear of being judged or I don't know...I guess I know what most people are going to say. I don't know...

Three weeks ago today my father lost his eight month long battle with cancer.

Two months ago this week is when I left his house in Florida to visit my home in South Carolina.

After I left, his condition went straight downhill. It got to the point that he was so embarrassed with his condition that he wouldn't talk on the phone (throat cancer) or even take visitors.

I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop thinking that if I would have been there, he would have found the strength to pull through, because it was literally right after I left that he started worsening.

It isn't my fault that he had cancer, but I could have been there and I wasn't.

It's so hard just to wake up every day. I have no job, no school, no reason to wake up, so I just sleep. It's all I want to do any more.

And I don't even sleep. I found out recently that when you drink and go to sleep, your mind is still active until the alcohol wears off, so I've been getting virtually no sleep for the past year.

Most people I know would tell me to seek professional help, but I can't afford it, nor would I consider it. "Professional help" never did a damn thing for me except put my mother in debt.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm so fucking depressed that I don't even apply for jobs anymore...I can't make it through an application without getting extremely frustrated and stressed.

I'm so tired of crying but all I can think about is how I've failed my father and myself. I can't stop these dreams...dreams about him, about my attending a private school my senior year and how I don't feel like I earned my diploma...how I quit my job only because I hated it...I just can't handle it and the only solution I can come up with is a fucking bullet.

I need some fucking help.

So I come to the collarme forums, asking for help. Pretty fucking stupid in retrospect.

You can see how I'm not thinking very clearly...

Post #: 1

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:26:07 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

My father died of lung cancer. I am old enough to have watched alot of good motherfuckers go the WAY OF ALL FLESH.

By the time they get that far along they are ready to go gently into that goodnight, quote me.

My father held on way past his time so my twin brother and his family (wife and daughter) and her family (consisting of two girls), great granddaughters he'd never seen, they were 10 and 8 respectively ---jesus, the color came into his face and he was actually clowning around from his bed as best he could, getting pictures taken with them and wearing his shriner fez and.....

Long story short, came time for my brother et al to leave, and so the night before I had a simple talk with my father.....(the majority of which is none of your fuckin business) and left his house, so that my brother and family could spend a couple of unencumbered hours with him before heading off to Fargo to catch the plane home.

He got to see what he wanted, he was at peace with himself and his life, and made the trip as the plane took off from Fargo.

I have several stories like that.

In every case, they were given permission to die. It would have been a burden to them to go on, but they lost their guilt about it.

YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME, WASN'T YOUR CALL, and you couldn't have changed the outcome. No sense agitating his spectre because of this, he wouldn't have seen it the same way you do now anyhow.

Tough, maybe...but it is what it is. He did his bit as gracefully as he was able, you do likewise.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 2

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:38:45 AM

sofldan

Posts: 150
Joined: 11/15/2008
Status: offline

Sorry for your loss, but you being there would not have slowed down or stopped the inevitable. I have what some people would call cold outlook when it comes to death but that's through losing so much and so many throughout my life. But I can understand your grief it is natural but don't blame yourself. I went through a lot of grief when helping take care of my Grandmother who had Alzheimer's and taking care of her with my Uncle until she passed at home. And my Uncle also took care of Grandpa who had cancer till he passed. I was in the Army at that time and couldn't be there was told he had 24 hours to live but by the time I got there it was too late.

We all are going to die someday and it's no ones fault. No one can will another to live past the time they are going to live for. A presence of a loved one will not prolong life. So what I would suggest is see if there are groups in your area most are free ( groups like aa etc) that are for those who are grieving. Talking about it can help. But you have to get yourself back on track and deal with this in a mentally healthy way.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Remember the fallen who gave all for our freedom. US Army veteran.

Hey lemme tie you up, all the cool kids are doing it!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 3

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:45:24 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

First, you have my condolences for your loss. Second, please stop blaming yourself for your father getting sicker. You went home to visit. You didn't do anything wrong.

Have you considered finding a grief support group? Some of them are free and you'd be talking with people who are in a situation similar to yours. If nothing else, you'd have a reason to get out of bed and safe place to express your feelings. Grief is a process and you're still in the early stages. It's only been three weeks; give yourself time to mourn and work through them at your own pace. Please stop drinking. Alcohol is a chemical depressant so you're just making your depression worse. Go to AA (free) or another group that will give you help to quit if you need it.

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I doubt your father would want this for you. I don't believe he would want you to continue this self-destructive pattern. Just focus on today and do one thing you think would make your dad proud. It can be as simple as getting a decent meal or as complex as finding a support group and going to a meeting. But do one thing today, right now. Come back and tell us how it went if you like.

_____________________________

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Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
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(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 4

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:54:36 AM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost. The help I would offer you is to find a professional to talk to. Are there any friends you could talk to about this?

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(in reply to sofldan)

Post #: 5

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 10:58:31 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I was there when my mother died and it made no difference. Cancer doesn't care.

You are clinically depressed. You need help. The same way you needed your father to fight against the cancer, to try every therapy suggested, you need help for your brain dysfunction.

You are no more responsible for having this disease than he was for having his. 1 in 4 people will be depressed during their life and only 1 in 8 seek help. I can tell you that your primary can prescribe a cheap, off patent SSRI today that wouldn't cost more than an antibiotic would. You could be lucky and have the depression lift immediately allowing you to begin to function again. Or you could have to try two or three meds and not get relief for a couple of months.

If you go get medication for the illness, you than can go talk to a grief therapist in a support group for not much money a week. Call Hospice to get a name.

Or you can do nothing and in three years you still won't have a job, won't have finished school and won't be sleeping well. I've been there. Choose to get help. You don't deserve to live like this. This is not payback for you not being with your father at the end. It's just a disease and one your father doesn't want you to have. You know he's still loving you and wanting the best for you. Take care of yourself for him, if not for yourself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 6

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 11:15:37 AM

Gurlugon

Posts: 23
Joined: 12/23/2009
Status: offline

I've been looking on google and I can't find any free counseling...tons of counseling, none of which is free. I do live in a pretty rural area though...even if there was free group it'd probably be two people; another grief-stricken person and the counselor.

Thanks for the fast responses...It's nice to know that people care for others, even when they're strangers.

As to the comment about talking to friends, yeah I could, but I wouldn't want to put them on the spot like that. None of my friends know what I'm going through and I wouldn't want to force my dread and grief into their lives; they have enough problems.

(in reply to hlen5)

Post #: 7

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 11:26:41 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

Columbia Area Mental Health Center (Im taking his info from your profile)

(803) 898-4800 Main Number

Start there.

Fees and Payments

Fees for services are set by the SC Department of Mental Health. Payment (Medicare, Medicaid, private insurance, cash, check, Visa or MasterCard) is expected at the time of services. Some clients may be eligible for reduced fees based on their financial status. For billing questions, call 803-898-4880.

http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/camhc/access_services.html

If you find you cannot afford their services, they can steer you in the right direction.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 8

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 11:27:58 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Try your county health department to get low-cost counseling or for a referral to someone who will work on a sliding fee scale.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 9

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 11:33:34 AM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I was there when my mother died and it made no difference. Cancer doesn't care.

You are clinically depressed. You need help. The same way you needed your father to fight against the cancer, to try every therapy suggested, you need help for your brain dysfunction.

You are no more responsible for having this disease than he was for having his. 1 in 4 people will be depressed during their life and only 1 in 8 seek help. I can tell you that your primary can prescribe a cheap, off patent SSRI today that wouldn't cost more than an antibiotic would. You could be lucky and have the depression lift immediately allowing you to begin to function again. Or you could have to try two or three meds and not get relief for a couple of months.

If you go get medication for the illness, you than can go talk to a grief therapist in a support group for not much money a week. Call Hospice to get a name.

Or you can do nothing and in three years you still won't have a job, won't have finished school and won't be sleeping well. I've been there. Choose to get help. You don't deserve to live like this. This is not payback for you not being with your father at the end. It's just a disease and one your father doesn't want you to have. You know he's still loving you and wanting the best for you. Take care of yourself for him, if not for yourself.

Great Post!

_____________________________

My fave Thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2626198/mpage_1/tm.htm

One time "Phallus Expert Extraordinaire"

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 11:33:45 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

quote:

As to the comment about talking to friends, yeah I could, but I wouldn't want to put them on the spot like that. None of my friends know what I'm going through and I wouldn't want to force my dread and grief into their lives; they have enough problems.

In my experience...they know.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 11

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 12:53:15 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

I'm afraid to talk to anybody...I don't know why. I guess it's a fear of being judged or I don't know...I guess I know what most people are going to say. I don't know...

Three weeks ago today my father lost his eight month long battle with cancer.

Two months ago this week is when I left his house in Florida to visit my home in South Carolina.

After I left, his condition went straight downhill. It got to the point that he was so embarrassed with his condition that he wouldn't talk on the phone (throat cancer) or even take visitors.

I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop thinking that if I would have been there, he would have found the strength to pull through, because it was literally right after I left that he started worsening.

It isn't my fault that he had cancer, but I could have been there and I wasn't.

It's so hard just to wake up every day. I have no job, no school, no reason to wake up, so I just sleep. It's all I want to do any more.

And I don't even sleep. I found out recently that when you drink and go to sleep, your mind is still active until the alcohol wears off, so I've been getting virtually no sleep for the past year.

Most people I know would tell me to seek professional help, but I can't afford it, nor would I consider it. "Professional help" never did a damn thing for me except put my mother in debt.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm so fucking depressed that I don't even apply for jobs anymore...I can't make it through an application without getting extremely frustrated and stressed.

I'm so tired of crying but all I can think about is how I've failed my father and myself. I can't stop these dreams...dreams about him, about my attending a private school my senior year and how I don't feel like I earned my diploma...how I quit my job only because I hated it...I just can't handle it and the only solution I can come up with is a fucking bullet.

I need some fucking help.

So I come to the collarme forums, asking for help. Pretty fucking stupid in retrospect.

You can see how I'm not thinking very clearly...

Local hospitals often have grief support groups.

I understand your reluctance to try professional help, if it did not help your mother, but the thing is not all "professional help" is the same.
Think of your favorite food in the world... and then realise that if it is prepared badly it can be made to be inedible.
The right kind of professional help can make all the difference in the world.

You know, my dad died in 2003. It was Father's Day and I was visiting. My step-mom came and got me after I had fallen asleep and said he needed me.
I tried CPR.
It did not work.
I have gone over the mistakes I made and even at one point felt as you do: that I killed my dad. Nope, a heart attack killed my father.

I regret that I did not save him and still sometimes rewind the tape ... and the fact is I did the best I could, the ambulance was all volunteer and it took forever to get there, and CPR does not work on everybody. People die from heart attacks in hospitals with the best equipment, doctors and nurses.

From my perspective, I think sometimes blaming oneself is easier. It means that in the end you might not have been entirely powerless and being powerless can be terrifying; that you might have had some control over the terrible outcome.

You deserve a better life than the one you are living now. You deserve the future you were going to have before it got derailed by grief and guilt. You deserve peace of mind and sleeping throught the night. You deserve the success of school.

I am sorry for your loss.
Your grief is "normal".

But a grief support group (and some counselling on the side) will help you regain perspective and make the small steps necessary to move forward with your life.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 12

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 1:08:45 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

A few years ago, my grandmother died from complications following hip surgery. She had ulcers and the surgeon kept finding reasons to delay her surgery every time it was scheduled. This went on for several days. The anticipation of general anesthesia caused her stomach to be deprived of food....a big no no for anyone with ulcers. After surgery, she was given blood thinner to prevent clotting. She didn't die from the surgery. She bled to death from her stomach because of food deprivation and blood thinner worsening her ulcers. I could blame myself for not protesting more when her surgery was repeatedly put off, but I couldn't see into the future at that time and I know my grandmother wouldn't want me to blame myself EVER. I'm sure your father feels the same way. He doesn't want you to let his passing destroy your life. Live your life the way he would want you to. He's looking forward to telling you how proud he is of you when you join him on the other side someday. Don't ruin that for him.

_____________________________

Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.

Collared by MartinSpankalot May 13 2008

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 13

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 1:53:19 PM

NocturnalStalker

Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gurlugon

I'm afraid to talk to anybody...I don't know why. I guess it's a fear of being judged or I don't know...I guess I know what most people are going to say. I don't know...

Three weeks ago today my father lost his eight month long battle with cancer.

Two months ago this week is when I left his house in Florida to visit my home in South Carolina.

After I left, his condition went straight downhill. It got to the point that he was so embarrassed with his condition that he wouldn't talk on the phone (throat cancer) or even take visitors.

I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop thinking that if I would have been there, he would have found the strength to pull through, because it was literally right after I left that he started worsening.

It isn't my fault that he had cancer, but I could have been there and I wasn't.

It's so hard just to wake up every day. I have no job, no school, no reason to wake up, so I just sleep. It's all I want to do any more.

And I don't even sleep. I found out recently that when you drink and go to sleep, your mind is still active until the alcohol wears off, so I've been getting virtually no sleep for the past year.

Most people I know would tell me to seek professional help, but I can't afford it, nor would I consider it. "Professional help" never did a damn thing for me except put my mother in debt.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm so fucking depressed that I don't even apply for jobs anymore...I can't make it through an application without getting extremely frustrated and stressed.

I'm so tired of crying but all I can think about is how I've failed my father and myself. I can't stop these dreams...dreams about him, about my attending a private school my senior year and how I don't feel like I earned my diploma...how I quit my job only because I hated it...I just can't handle it and the only solution I can come up with is a fucking bullet.

I need some fucking help.

So I come to the collarme forums, asking for help. Pretty fucking stupid in retrospect.

You can see how I'm not thinking very clearly...

*Warning; moment of humanity incoming.*

First off, I agree with you; professional help is all a load of stupidity. You sit down on a couch for an hour and get scammed out of one-hundred dollars or more while getting cliche advice. Or they diagnose you and put you on pills.

Having lost family members of my own, it still to this day bothers me and in truth you'll never be able to do much about the sorrow. What you will be able to do is subside it and allow the more proud moments you and your father shared take over.

Look, you're eighteen, you're beginning to get on the road to becoming something positive in life. I'm sure your father would not want to know that you are so down on yourself. It was not your fault that what happened had happened. I am willing to bet that you did more for your father by supporting him by being a fantastic son. There is nothing stronger than a bond between parent and child, and no parent wants to see their child act in this way. He may not be around in a physical sense, but he is alive in your memory and the best part is that with your memories you never really lose them at all. It took me time to realize that, but you eventually will one day.

Do your father good, dedicate achieving every goal in his name, and stay away from the bad things. Too many people allow their depression to not just linger, but define them. You have the potential now to honour him, and know that he would be elated to see his son progress through life in such a way. Your father's unwavering strength has been passed down to you now. I was in your position a few times in the past few years but now I am as happy as I have been in my life. Part of that is because I know that, like you, I had great people in my family influence my life and would want me to reach my full potential.

If you need somebody to talk to, you can send me a message. Just don't dwell on this too much. There is no shame in coming here and admitting how you're feeling and why. It takes a lot of guts and heart to put yourself out here in front of a bunch of strangers, and that is admirable strength. If you're going to derive anything from this post is that you can take my word that it will get better. It will also take work. Don't say that you can't get back up because everybody can. People overcome challenges everyday, and this is yours. Three years ago I was sleeping irregularly much like you, and too lost in my own tenebrous memories to want to do much. What made me one day say, "To Hell with this?" I looked at a picture album with the person I lost in it, and something in my head literally just said, "It's time." I began to progressively change my attitude around, went to continue my education. Now I have a 95% average, will be transitioning to university soon enough. It is almost like going from homeless to a castle, but in your own mind.

I don't believe in taking pills to suddenly make everything better. You just need to turn that sadness into inspiration.

Now go out there and own the world.

_____________________________

"The road I walk is paved in gold to glorify my platinum soul."

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 14

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 2:07:33 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

It sounds to me like you are in the second stage of grief, Pain & Guilt with some depression thrown in too.

Grief counceling and antidepressants can probably help you. Although time and allowing yourself to work through the grief will probably have the same end result.

The thing that I found out about about watching someone we love die of cancer (my father died of cancer), is we do so much of our grieving while our loved one is still with us, the process (stages of grief) can get a little turned around and mixed up. Speaking to someone who can help us put all the confused thinking into perspective can be very helpful. Antidepressants, can help clear the fog away so that you can begin some Critical Thinking processes that put things into a bit clearer perspective.

My opinion isn't really all that weighty, but I will say that leaving your loved one may have been the greatest kindness you could have shown. Those who love us, hang on for us, despite the pain and suffering it causes - because they love us. I know many have said all they wanted/needed was the permission to let go. By leaving, you may have given him the permission to surrender to the illness without having to watch you grieve his passing.

I dont' know. For so very long I was angry with my own father for not fighting harder, not doing EVERYTHING possible to stay with us longer. I was angry with him for leaving me, even though rationally I knew he didn't have a choice. Grief fucks up our thinking processes, and we just have to work through them.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

Post #: 15

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 2:48:52 PM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
Status: offline

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and while it isn't the same situation or anything close I also wasn't there for either of my parents when they died.

It's good that you have come here, started a thread, reached out, sought to communicate, and shared with us that what you are thinking and feeling. These are emotionally healthy responses to your situation.

I'd just like to add two things.

First thing is about death, which is the most traumatic experience we could ever have, both for the person dying and for those left behind. You have lost a parent, someone who brought you into the world, who shaped your childhood, someone you first formed a relationship with, and as your childhood is carried with you throughout your life, so too will this experience and the sense of loss and bereavement that goes with it. It will always be there in some way. Furthermore time heals, time also helps you to change perspective.

Thing is about death, nobody knows. There is no way of knowing or finding out, there is only what you believe. Many believe that there is some spiritual element, and who is to say that while your father is no longer here in the physical and among the living, that the relationship between you continues but in another dimension that you at this moment in time cannot perceive and have no way of knowing?

Please think about that for a moment. What if? What if your father in some way could perceive you, his young son, left behind, and what is happening, what would he be feeling? But furthermore, if there were a way of contact between you, what would he be saying to you now?

This leads me to the second thing, which is often that what we perceive isn't quite what it is in reality. Your reality is just that, your reality. You may think that you are burdening other people and giving them problems, but how do you know that? You don't...

This is a major experience in your life, one of the biggest, the most traumatic, and something that's going to take some time to get over. You need that support and help from others, you need to be among people, to talk things through, because this is what is going to help you through your own grieving process.

You also need to find some way of picking yourself up and bringing yourself together. Maybe you can find some way of honouring your father, celebrating your relationship, that bond and that love you shared between each other. Perhaps there was something he always wanted to do, something he wanted you to do, wished for you to experience. What were his interests? What interests did you share together?

Nobody can ever say what is happening, where he is, but if he were looking down on you now, what would he want to see in you? What would you want to show him?

Can you find some way of celebrating your relationship, that love you shared, that bond, and finding some way to honour your father? What would it be?

_____________________________

Usually when you have all the answers for something nobody is interested in listening.

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 16

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 3:53:11 PM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

FR

Do not blame youself. You did not cause the illness, you didn't kill him. The thought that you "gave permission" somewhow isn't right. He didn't forget you once you walked out the door. If he decided not to fight anymore that was his decision. Would you rather have forced him to suffer longer ?

Death is a release. You see it that way if you are considering a bullet. Whatever your beliefs about the afterlife, it's probably better than this corporeal existence. Life in a way, is a test. It's wrong to quit until the time is right, and nobody knows when that is. Look at it this way, he is no longer suffering - you are. It is part of the test.

This is part of life, this page is dealing with the death of Parents and we all hope to get through that, know why ? Think of the alternative. If you don't outlive your Parents, what do you think it would do to them ? No matter how intense your grief, their's would be much worse for them to watch their children die.

Try to avoid drugs, legal or illegal. This has been going on since the dawn of humanity. It's not easy of course, but you WILL get through it. It may help to think of it objectivelty - what if YOU died ? No matter what, once you're dead it is rest. We will all get that rest someday, and there will be people left behind. People who cared about us. Would you want them to get doped up or put a bullet throught their head ? I doubt it. Would you want their life to end just because yours did ? I don't think so.

Compare this. My Father died in April 2009, and perhaps I am a callous ass, because I have seen things more trajic. What is more trajic than the death of my Father ? Well he lived a full enough life I guess. He abused himself with his drinking and his ways and he made it to seventy. Was that so bad ? How can I say that ? One of my closest friends, JM is dead. He was about two years younger than I. At the age of about thirty five he was on top of the world. This Man was the epitome of perseverence and hard work and it was finally starting to pay off. He was going to buy a nice big house a few years earlier, but decided to go for the certification (CDT) to start his own business instead. He was going on about his second year and doing vey well, so well in fact that he was finally just about out of debt with the IRS. One day, in the middle of the night he was entertaining company from far away (France actually) showing him the night life etc. (and he definitely knew where to find it) and one of those pesky trees jumped out in front of his car killing them both.

As really trajic as it was, should I pity him ? No. First of all I don't have pity, but there is something like it. Who should I "pity" ? His Mother. I was a pallbearer at her request, and as loquacious (sp?) as I seem, there were no words. Although she held up well at the funeral, we all knew damn well what she must be going through. I'm sure she would've traded places with him in a heartbeat. I would not blame her - if it were possible. She was seventy and he was in his thirties.

I don't know how many people have died on you, but I can tell you from experience that if you learn to live with it, you'll get to the point where you will no longer dwell on his death. Then you can see the good memories again without falling apart. You will miss him forever, and there's nothing anyone can do about that. In time, you will see that.

It is harder when you are yonger, no doubt. You shouldn't be going through this at this age. I should't have lost JM at such a young age, or my favorite cousin years earlier. But life is not fair. It kicked you harder than it kicks most people. But like anyone else, you heal, and grow.

Then you live. You think he had you to see you go down the tubes ? Hell no, any Parent wants to see their offspring do the best they possibly can. You might find it necessry to do a few crazy things, just don't get self destructive. Punch a wall, curse God, whatever it takes, just don't destroy yourself doing it.

If and when you want to talk face to face about it, a hospice might not be a bad place to start. You don't necessarily need a professional, you need others' understanding and to lend you an ear. Others who have recently lost someone will be worlds better than a "professional". At least they have an idea what you're going through. They are not necessarily there to help you, you help each other by listening. Be sure to listen, and while you're at it listen to those who have lost their child or sibling. Put it in perspective. It sounds impossible right now, but you'll find out you can.

Because you can.

T^T

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)

Post #: 17

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 6:46:18 PM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline

Call hospice. They can help as well. They will direct you.

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 18

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 7:21:34 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Look, fella. You're 18. You've got plenty of changes in your life already. The guilt won;t help.

Cancer is a killer. It took my mother, and I'm still pissed about it. Cancer is not affected by who's around someone. In other words, your guilt has no basis.

You know what kind of life your father wanted you to live. Go and live it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 19

RE: I need some help. - 3/2/2011 7:54:03 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You aren't the life giver, you're not the taker either. My kids lost their Dad because he killed himself..........They were beautiful and young and so was he, at the time. They lost him and have been stuck with me since then.

My daughter had a stroke at 23yrs..........Believe me , sometimes shit just falls and you happen to be in the firing line over and over.

The guy that teaches me banjo lost his wife a few months ago and he'd been with her for over 30yrs.

Sad and painful stuff really is shitty..........we can lose years through it....My little children have lost years through that tragedy but are now young men with the knowledge that they have great lives ahead of them, despite losing their Dad.They'll always be the *kids without a Dad* but they'll also always be the kids that survived and thrived all the same.

I still have MY Dad and that used to make me feel horribly guilty. Sometimes you can only be adequate, and sometimes that's good enough because sometimes that's all you get to be.

Hope you find a helpful adult to talk to.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to Gurlugon)

Post #: 20

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