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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 3:11:30 PM   
niquefreek


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/19/2010
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[/quote]
And the source of knowing what I wanted? Well that came in my dreams and my fantasies which, when I look back, had been driving me for quite a while.
I'm fascinated by the psychological aspects of bdsm. So, if your husgand needs to know, and you both feel that it is a loss of the dynamic for him to ask then confess and set a whole delicious scenario for that to take place.
The toys, the groups, the play: all of that will follow and naturally so. But first I think it's bdsm the inner game.
[/quote]
Thanks.  That is kind of how we even made it this far.  Another thing that I have been doing that I am hoping will work is I have been going to kink.com and watching some of the stuff on the different channels, sending him clips and telling him what I like, or what I don't and why.  We will get there I am sure, I was just kind of hoping someone might have a quicker recipe to follow!

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 3:14:49 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek




And the source of knowing what I wanted? Well that came in my dreams and my fantasies which, when I look back, had been driving me for quite a while.
I'm fascinated by the psychological aspects of bdsm. So, if your husgand needs to know, and you both feel that it is a loss of the dynamic for him to ask then confess and set a whole delicious scenario for that to take place.
The toys, the groups, the play: all of that will follow and naturally so. But first I think it's bdsm the inner game.

Thanks.  That is kind of how we even made it this far.  Another thing that I have been doing that I am hoping will work is I have been going to kink.com and watching some of the stuff on the different channels, sending him clips and telling him what I like, or what I don't and why.  We will get there I am sure, I was just kind of hoping someone might have a quicker recipe to follow!


You're welcome.
PS What's the point in a recipre if you don't get to eat it?
Enjoy!


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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 3:49:49 PM   
dnvrslavehunter


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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek
If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?


Not sure if this works for you, but I'd suggest not worrying about telling him whats annoying. If you like it give a moan, or a "yessss", lean into his spank or something simple like that which shouldn't take you out of your headspace but if hubby is paying attention should clue him into you like what he just did.

As is mentioned in a later post pick a safeword. Anything that you really don't like, ie more then annoying or not your favorite, you say the safe word and play stops.

With plenty of play hubby will be more and more in tune with what you like, as will you. Push the envelope a little each time, if you bust out the safe word you know thats a limit (at least for now).

Just my newbies 2-cents worth

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 4:38:53 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

I was just kind of hoping someone might have a quicker recipe to follow!


Interrogation time!

Get him to demand answers from you. 'Can you take it harder for me? Huh? Huh? Getting a bit much for you, am I? Ooooh, looks like I've hit a sweet spot, huh? You like that? I said do you like that? Answer me!'

That's what I did when I was new and unsure. Still do, if I feel like I need feedback. The important thing (which can be harder than it looks) is not to let the questions make the scene lose momentum - he can keep going while you answer, he doesn't need to stop for each question (if that makes sense?). That way it's continuous - you might feel less like you have to break out of your headspace, because nothing's actually stopping.

Maybe something to try, if you like the idea.

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 4:48:18 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek
If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?
It makes total sense. For the record, BDSM and sex are not the only areas wherein this occurs. LOTS of times we want our partner to "surprise" us with exactly what we want. Sometimes that's as simple as the right meal on the table. But the sad truth is that there are no ESP pills. So while your partner (and you) are learning what it is that you want, then there's just no substitute for "communication".

Think of it as an investment in your future mood :)


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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 4:58:16 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
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Status: offline 		Well a crop is stingy and can be found at your local Tack shop much less expensively than via any BDSM store.

You may find that your liking for certain sesations shifts as you experience more ot that certain thuds will feel better than others.

One thing that may be useful to you, that was very useful to me was journaling play sessions.

It helped me find language.
How do you describe into words something that you have not yet defined?

I did it by detailing everything I felt (physically and emotionally), my thoughts, my perceptions.... and then I owuld send it to him, re-read it and make more notes: impressions.

I did the events themselves chronologically as best I could and then what it flet like, what my thoughts and feelings were.

As I learned the language of expression, my Master learned me.

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 10:14:58 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		From what I can figure out, you want the secret recipe for instantly teaching him everything he needs to know about you and how you react during play so you can just drift off into subspace. If anyone actually has such a formula, I would like a copy. Especially if it also includes teaching a dom how to know themselves well enough to know how they will react during play. So far, the only thing I have seen that works is time, practice and open communications.

One thing in particular that stood out to me is your statement that your headspace is one where you can't talk without breaking your mood (or focus). This is actually quite common among new subs. What happens is they get into their submissive mind set as they have always imagined it to be. Pretty much by definition, if you have fantasies of submission, you have some sort of notion of how a submissive "should" feel and act. If yours includes the notion of slaves keeping silent, of "having no say", then it makes a lot of sense that the more you are getting into the submissive self of your fantasies, the less you actually can say without breaking the mindset

If this is the problem, then before the next session starts, talk with him about what a submissive should be in his fantasies. Write rules, or set punishments or anything else required so that you can maintain being his fantasy of submission during the session. I am quite sure that he will agree to a definition of submissive that includes you being able to talk.

The interrogation scenarios suggest by VC could be one way to structure the session that would work to set a different definition of submissive. Another would be the classic Arabian Nights scenario where you must tell him the dirty stories (or show the porn clips while telling him what you like). The idea is for you both to learn what submissive means for both of you.

You need to pay close attention to when he talks about how a sub shows her submissiveness. Contrary to what most inexperienced subs think, most Doms see failing to inform them of what they need to know as passive rebellion. A sort of "you can make me but you can't break me" attitude. Most Doms want a sub who is actively doing everything they can to help the Dom succeed in dominating them. Since your Dom has little experience, having a sub who is not actively helping him to dominate makes a steep learning curve even steeper. The best way to teach him how to be dominate is to learn what makes him feel dominant and do those things.

You want him to learn how you submit. You want him to learn how to dominate you. So ask him and listen to what sort of submissive makes him rock hard. Then really try being that person during play. Keep what works and make changes next time. and the next. Tell him what type of dominant you fantasies about and make changes the next time and the next. Pretty soon you will be old married folks talking about how all the young whippersnappers want a quick fix when all the fun lies in getting there.





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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 10:25:47 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		well if the 2 of you only get together infrequently try to meet on a date that would allow you to go to a event together. another thing would be to find someone to be your chaperone that he is ok with and would allow you to attend events with someone so you could see some scenes and get ides for play at home. also he could look into some munches and events where he is and see for himself what kind of play there is and possibly get a mentor to hel-p him be more of a top, and give tips on how to adminster the blows effectively and such. just ides that could help both of you to continue to learn without playing outside the bedroom. all this is based on the communication and trust between the 2 of you

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/27/2011 12:28:22 AM   
roughleather


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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek
Oh it isn't that he doesn't feel the same way, we talk all the time everything is very open.  Its just frustrating because he is learning himself about being a dominant (in a sexual way) and so he is asking me what I want and I don't know so it gets hard.   And we will be doing stuff, and after i will tell him I would have liked more of this or less of this and he gets frustrated because he wants to know during so he can adjust.  But when we are in the middle of stuff it is a totally different headspace for me.  If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?


That's a standard frustration in kink. Of course, it happens in regular life: "What do you want to do?  I dunno, what do you want to do?"  Tangled up with sex turn-ons, though, it's a hassle to unravel.  Kink is about primal urges and things can go wrong emotionally. Accept that one or both of you may get upset.  That's OK, it happens.

A suggestion: get one of those books of sex scenes by number. Make a list of the ones that turn you on, and the ones that really turn you on. Have your husband do the same, but without seeing your list.  Then match.

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/27/2011 10:56:40 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		One of the most erotic srories I ever eread (loerotica I think but an age ago) was about exactly this...a couple starting out. It was such an amazing story that you know it had been for real. It went like this:
They had a cookie jst. And either one of them each one of them could add a suuggestion into the jar. The only rule was that the piece of paper had to beging by:
She .......
Or he...but ofcourse there was no knowing which one of the couple had written what.
SO it was just as possible for her to have written for example:
He comes home from work and ties her hands behind her back
as for her to write:
she is blinfolded and told to strip and stand naked in the corner...etc etc
The only other ground ruke was that they each got to alternate taking
a suggested scene from the bottle and xarrying that scene through.
The story ended of course with her taking a suggestion from the bottle and submitting to that.
A fantastic way of supporting a dynamic within a marriage and getting most fantasies out where they belong.


< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 1/27/2011 10:57:04 AM >

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/27/2011 12:40:17 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		then you want a part time top/bottom relationship

before you play discuss exactly what it is the two of you are going to try and how, then talk about it after

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/27/2011 12:43:16 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

One thing in particular that stood out to me is your statement that your headspace is one where you can't talk without breaking your mood (or focus). This is actually quite common among new subs. What happens is they get into their submissive mind set as they have always imagined it to be. Pretty much by definition, if you have fantasies of submission, you have some sort of notion of how a submissive "should" feel and act. If yours includes the notion of slaves keeping silent, of "having no say", then it makes a lot of sense that the more you are getting into the submissive self of your fantasies, the less you actually can say without breaking the mindset


derfrewop - You had some good points about communication but I wanted to say that this non-new sub naturally goes into a less-verbal or non-verbal space absent any of the notions you describe.

Prinsexx - LOVE the cookie jar!

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/27/2011 1:23:00 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Prinsexx - LOVE the cookie jar!

.....
Told you to be the one
And my only
I want to be faithful
But I can't keep my hands out the cookie jar
My hands, my hands, my ha uh my hands
Can't keep my hands, my hands, my, my, my
Can't keep my hands, my hands, my, my, my
Can't keep my hands, my hands my hands out the cookie jar.
I got a thing for Milano, Biscotti Italianos
And I never turn down some Oreos if you got those
Butter Pecan Puerto Rican,
Or them Oatmeal Raisin Asians.
Hazelnut Brazilians,
Macadamia Caucasians,
Double stuffed or thin mint
It don't matter you getting it
Cause I got a sweet tooth that'll never come loose
And the fact of the matter is. ......
My hands, my hands, my ha uh my hands
Can't keep my hands, my hands, my, uh, my
Can't keep my hands, my hands, my, uh, my
Can't keep my hands, my hands my hands out the cookie jar. ]

cold shower


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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/28/2011 3:51:16 AM   
subsfaith


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quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

My question is this: How the hell do I figure out what I want/what my limits are etc. with my husband when I am not even sure what it is I am asking for?  Yes I am reading lots of stuff, and checking out lots of things here on collarme and over on fetlife; but I still don't even really know how to figure out what my limits are if that makes sense?
For instance: I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked (I know that is pretty tame for many here but remember I am just getting started so be nice!).  I know that I like a "sting" versus a "thud" sensation from being spanked or hit if that makes sense...but I have no idea how/what to ask for?  He is new at this as well....so that may be wherein our problem lies.  I know everyone has to find their own path but a little advice would be helpful....
Thanks


I think there are several issues here.  Going backwards, you are very quick to suggest the blame may lie in your husband.  This isn't about blame, about him being new.... but in that one line you demonstrated a lack of trust in him and did him a dissservice.  He is here at the side of you because he loves you and wants to please you, and find some new things for himself to enjoy - just like yourself... so please don't look at this situation as one where it is the fault of someone, but a journey you are travelling together, learning together, one where things might go wrong at times, but it really isn't your place to punish him and make him feel bad if they do.  We live and learn from our experiences, not live and blame.

Now from the beginning...  how to figure out what you want?  Look at your fantasies realistically, which ones to you want to beome a reality?  I imagine there will be some that are just hot but you can't imagine ever doing them, and others that you know you really want to try.

When you compared this to limits, which is obviously something you have read about, I get confused.  Limits are there initially to help you find a suitable match.  You pick someone who shares your limits, or someone who respects your limits.  Your situation is different.  You already have a suitable match, your husband.  So stop worrying about what your limits are and start enjoying your journey of the things you have already discovered you like, and then build upon those.  There may come a time when your husband speaks up with one of his fantasies and it something that squicks you out, then is the time to be open about it, tell him what you think about it and let him draw his own conclusions.  You are putting the cart before the horse a bit and confusing yourself here I think, chill out and relax, enjoy the moment and stop sabotaging your journey.

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

I know that I like a "sting" versus a "thud" sensation from being spanked or hit if that makes sense...but I have no idea how/what to ask for?


You say "I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked". 

This shouldn't be about you asking for anything.  Your hsuband loves you and wants to please you, so he will enjoy giving you thinks that you want.  Your job is to tell him what you want.  So with regards to the above you would say "I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked" and then you leave him to decide if that is something that he wants too, or if that is something that he wants to give to you.  Please remember this relationship isn't about you, it is his life too, when you think about things that you might not want to try, have you even considered that there may be things that your husband doesn't want too?

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek
Its just frustrating because he is learning himself about being a dominant (in a sexual way) and so he is asking me what I want and I don't know so it gets hard.


I think you do know some of what you want, like the text about, you think you want to be tied and spanked, I am sure there are lots of things that start with "I think I want..."  that would be your starting point.  List your fantasies.  Out of hte bedroom it is called talking, in the bedroom it is called dirty talking.  Open your mouth and let it ramble.  You will make mistakes over time, you will say you want something, but on trying it you might find you really don't want to do it again, jsut be honest.  Sometimes you have to suck it and see if you like it... and none of that teeny tiny bite sized portions where you can't taste it, embrace new experiences with an open mind and explore your sexuality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek
And we will be doing stuff, and after i will tell him I would have liked more of this or less of this and he gets frustrated because he wants to know during so he can adjust.  But when we are in the middle of stuff it is a totally different headspace for me.  If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?


Forgive me for being quite so blunt but this really does so sound so selfish.  How hard do you imagine it is for your husband to hit you during sex and get no feedback from you?  Are you really so precious that you don't want to make it a tad easier on him while he travels on this difficult path?  I understand you are in a different headspace, but really, would it be so hard to say "oooh, that's nice"... or " ow, that's the wrong sort of pain"?  It blows the mood...?  Tough, while he may be in control during these times you still have an obligation to treat him fairly.  Be positive when it is nice, and when it is annoying consider it might be something he is enjoying doing for himself before you undermine his choices.

I am usually one to suggest educationing yourself with reading and adventures, but since you seem to be confusing yourself with things such as limits, a socially invented concept, can I suggest you look into yourself and your relationship for all these answers.  Being with your husband in this new way will educate you both over time, whereas you are trying to run before you can walk.  Be cool my freind, enjoy each other and this path, be open (and honest) not just with each other, but with yourself, and use your common sense.  But most of all, this isn't just about you OP,  this is about your husband too, please remember that, he sounds like a special man, a keeper.





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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/28/2011 12:02:20 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		Nonverbal states are often the most profound and intense of all D/s experiences. They are one of my favorites and I highly encourage them. But the issue in this case is getting there from here for the original poster. She is clearly wanting nonverbal to really make "it" for her. However, this is actually about 2 people who love each other. I don't doubt that he is game for the task but just when he needs the most feedback and reassurance that he is doing OK, she drifts off into nonverbal subspace.

In any relationship, imagine your response to the sequence of ...I hit you and you won't say anything at all. No matter how strong your relationship may be, no matter what the circumstances, it will shake your confidence about what you are doing. Shattering the confidence of a complete newbie dom right at the moment where it matters most does not lead to good things.

Yet the issue here is not one of blame. or even something that can't be easily overcome. But first, he needs to have confidence that he can do this with the woman he loves without threatening the relationship. The best way to do that is for her to make it easy for him to dominate her. She doesn't get her personal favorite fantasy fulfilled right away but she makes it much more likely that she will in the future.

Besides, at a certain level, her submission likely includes that his fantasies have priority over hers. Emphasizing that now gets her what she wants, him really truly being able to take her into her fantasies. Not changing now makes that far more unlikely.



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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/28/2011 12:04:23 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		ehhh try it you might like it

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 4/1/2011 1:43:08 AM   
deb55555


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/26/2011
Status: offline 		I find reading the short stories on various sites a great help. Like www.literotica.com Some of them make me wet and some dont. That helps me work out what im into.

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 4/1/2011 4:40:23 AM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: deb55555

I find reading the short stories on various sites a great help. Like www.literotica.com Some of them make me wet and some dont. That helps me work out what im into.


Was just about to make this suggestion. If you're avoiding your local community like you say, which is 100% reasonable in your position, erotic literature would be about the easiest way to explore without having to go through the whole "Ok harder... no not that hard, like 20% harder than before... ok like that, but lower" bit which can kill the mystique of it. Just go through a ton of erotica and pick out your favorites to share with him. Ideally, have him do the same and share with you.

One author I might suggest is Mike Kimera. His work is extremely dark but also extremely good and might help you get a better grip on the internal aspects of it all. Even if you're intending to keep BDSM purely sexual there's always a deeper component to sex if you're doing it properly. You can find a bit of his stuff at www.cleansheets.com and www.eroticareaders.com (or you could when last I visited), but the majority is in print publication so you may have to spend a few bucks.

You might also try contacting someone directly whose forum posts you find indicative of a suitable attitude to work through a kind of interrogation on your needs - someone with more experience may well be able to piece together what your desires are, suggesting things you may not even be aware of and picking apart the specifics on your major fantasies. I suspect, and experience has shown me in the past, that a lot of what you want to know you already know but aren't able to discern at this point. Now, I would run that through your husband first - that kind of thing can be extremely intimate for obvious reasons, and if he's the jealous sort he might not be on board with it. Still, definitely something to consider.

EDIT: Quote broken? Not sure what happened with that...


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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 4/1/2011 11:35:36 AM   
PrinceImriel


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/10/2011
Status: offline 		Hello...

First in my experience,  it's very common for people who were abused as a child to be drawn to the submissive lifestyle.   There is nothing wrong with you.  You are simply wanting that discipline from some one that loves and cares about you. 

You are very lucky to have a husband that is open to your wishes and desires,  what you need him to do is take total control during the scene and push you till he finds your limits.  The way to do it is through experimentation and not worrying about the moment.  The sub is in a totally different head space, no sub wants to tell her Dom how she wants to be spanked while it's happening.

The proper way to enter the scene is to make sure you have your safe words....  The basics are simple   yellow=puase (I need a break and a moment to catch my breath, it's to intense right now)   green=go (I've taken my moment, caught my breath and I'm ready for more)   red=stop    EVERYTHING STOPS IMMEDIATELY   calling a red can be a very emotional experience and a good Dom will not only stop the scene immediately, but wrap you up in his arms and tell you everything is ok,   I also encourage my subs to know there limits because I do push them to find them.   Lol!

At the end of a scene I always like to have an open session, that means we sit down and discuss our feelings and experiences of what occurred during the scene.   Then what I do is store this information away for putting it in to practice for the next scene.   It sounds like you have a very loving husband that wants to please you and make it perfect for you.   Tell him to just keep experimenting and sooner or later it will get there.  It's a learning process, and I think he's being to hard on himself.

Good Luck!!!

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RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 4/1/2011 12:34:10 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		geez all this reading, munchs, talking WhatFuckingEver. Jump your hot ass into the bedroom and "explore" yea yea its really that simple.
When you first started having sex did you ask a bunch of stranger how to do it???? Of course NOT! Grab him by capt midnight and enjoi.

Yep yep BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to PrinceImriel)
Profile   Post #: 40
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