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Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 6:52:32 PM

niquefreek

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

Ok so I am new to this whole scene. For years I denied I could even possibly be interested in being spanked, etc. (I was abused as as a child etc.). However, have finally admitted I am not really vanilla.
My question is this: How the hell do I figure out what I want/what my limits are etc. with my husband when I am not even sure what it is I am asking for? Yes I am reading lots of stuff, and checking out lots of things here on collarme and over on fetlife; but I still don't even really know how to figure out what my limits are if that makes sense?
For instance: I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked (I know that is pretty tame for many here but remember I am just getting started so be nice!). I know that I like a "sting" versus a "thud" sensation from being spanked or hit if that makes sense...but I have no idea how/what to ask for? He is new at this as well....so that may be wherein our problem lies. I know everyone has to find their own path but a little advice would be helpful....
Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 6:55:53 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Share your books with your husband...don`t keep it a secret...he may very well *feel* the same way...

< Message edited by ThundersCry -- 1/25/2011 6:56:34 PM >

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 2

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 6:56:06 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You live in Florida, which has lots of clubs and groups. Go to them. Go to a play party and see what's being done to whom, and see if it intrigues you or turns you off. If something interests you, then strike up a conversation with the Top (AFTER the scene is over) and ask about it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 3

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 7:07:32 PM

preytolife

Posts: 138
Joined: 11/29/2010
From: LaLa Land
Status: offline

Well, if you're playing with your husband (and have reasonable communication skills) you could try it out. Nothing too sophisticated, but you might be more comfortable exploring limits on your own than out in the community. Spanking isn't really something you need advice on...provided you don't go insane with the bruising. Find out what works for you?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 7:08:00 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My suggestion for folks in your position is a book called "When Someone You Love is Kinky". I think it might be helpful to you and your husband.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 7:29:47 PM

niquefreek

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

Share your books with your husband...don`t keep it a secret...he may very well *feel* the same way...

Oh it isn't that he doesn't feel the same way, we talk all the time everything is very open. Its just frustrating because he is learning himself about being a dominant (in a sexual way) and so he is asking me what I want and I don't know so it gets hard. And we will be doing stuff, and after i will tell him I would have liked more of this or less of this and he gets frustrated because he wants to know during so he can adjust. But when we are in the middle of stuff it is a totally different headspace for me. If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 6

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 7:31:05 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

When I first wanted to look at the local community and look for a s\lave local to me rather then LDR, I got onto local forums and through that and a comment I made, was contacted by a Lady who is still a close friend to Neets and I. She explained that due to the fragmentation of the local scene, many people were staying away but could be met and perhaps be invited to join them or learn from them. We all attended our (now closed) local Dungeon (public) at Club Lib,. Because both of us were short on practical experience, we watched everyone playing and was lucky enough to have friendly folk give a commentary of what was happening and how it worked including safety. Incedently this is how I first became interested ion Needle Play and was introduced to my then mentor especially in Needle Play and CBT (She is also a pro-Domme). Neets (my wife) on the other hand was given a practical lesson in flogging. It has been by attending munches, the club and privatr partirs and watching and if possible talking to various masters, Masters, Mistresses and slaves that I gained first hand information. Over time I have been able to reaffirm my own hard limits and gain a better understanding if those of others.

My advise to the OP and her hubby, is to read and talk to each other about what you have read and then if possible talk to others to get further information.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 7:31:41 PM

niquefreek

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You live in Florida, which has lots of clubs and groups. Go to them. Go to a play party and see what's being done to whom, and see if it intrigues you or turns you off. If something interests you, then strike up a conversation with the Top (AFTER the scene is over) and ask about it.

I do live in Florida. But due to work reasons, my husband currently lives in another state and we see each other when we can....so it makes it even harder because he doesn't really want me going to any of that stuff by myself (and I am a little hesitant to do so anyway).

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 8:55:46 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

Think about the first few times that you had sex with your husband. Were they mind blowing holy hannah grab my get go right away or did it take time to learn the dance? IMO BDSM is just another dance and the players need to learn the steps. Give it time and continue to communicate

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 9

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 8:59:11 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

Oh it isn't that he doesn't feel the same way, we talk all the time everything is very open. Its just frustrating because he is learning himself about being a dominant (in a sexual way) and so he is asking me what I want and I don't know so it gets hard. And we will be doing stuff, and after i will tell him I would have liked more of this or less of this and he gets frustrated because he wants to know during so he can adjust. But when we are in the middle of stuff it is a totally different headspace for me. If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?

Hey. Give both of yourselves a little slack. At first, you'll be fumbling around. Once he can read you better, he'll be more confident and be leading the sessions better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 10

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/25/2011 9:26:34 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

Share your books with your husband...don`t keep it a secret...he may very well *feel* the same way...

Oh it isn't that he doesn't feel the same way, we talk all the time everything is very open. Its just frustrating because he is learning himself about being a dominant (in a sexual way) and so he is asking me what I want and I don't know so it gets hard. And we will be doing stuff, and after i will tell him I would have liked more of this or less of this and he gets frustrated because he wants to know during so he can adjust. But when we are in the middle of stuff it is a totally different headspace for me. If I have to stop and say "hey can you spank my ass a little harder; or you know that was really annoying stop that" it kind of blows the mood for me - if that makes sense?

There are several ways to deal with this issue. It depends some on your creativity. One way is to use the Traffic Light safe word system: Red = stop, Yellow = slow, Green = MORE.

But some peopel feel this is too awkward - or that it 'breaks' the scene. Some people build the safe word stuff into the scene. If you are role-playing an interrogation then when the sub spills the secret, it stops the scene. If you are doing something less fantastic, you can still build in a slow or stop, but it takes some creativity.

One thing I like to do is to use a non-verbal safeword. It works even if you gag the submissive. Typically I put a bell cat toy in her hand. If she drops it, it makes a noise and I stop and investigate.

The Dom can make this into a demeaning thing, if they want - don't demean the sub for using the safeword, but instead for failing to hold the toy.

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 11

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 1:27:50 AM

bornbothsexes

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/1/2010
Status: offline

my thought are if it feels good go with it ,,,,but for the 2 of you to find common ground try books and find a new thing make a sort of play date and make a list with like and disk like boxes and try them all

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 12

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 2:16:16 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

Ok so I am new to this whole scene. For years I denied I could even possibly be interested in being spanked, etc. (I was abused as as a child etc.). However, have finally admitted I am not really vanilla.
My question is this: How the hell do I figure out what I want/what my limits are etc. with my husband when I am not even sure what it is I am asking for? Yes I am reading lots of stuff, and checking out lots of things here on collarme and over on fetlife; but I still don't even really know how to figure out what my limits are if that makes sense?
For instance: I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked (I know that is pretty tame for many here but remember I am just getting started so be nice!). I know that I like a "sting" versus a "thud" sensation from being spanked or hit if that makes sense...but I have no idea how/what to ask for? He is new at this as well....so that may be wherein our problem lies. I know everyone has to find their own path but a little advice would be helpful....
Thanks

I think it's important to realise that you aren't alone in working out what you want. Regardless of whether you have been together years, your now starting a new relationship and that is the way everyone starts off.

Reading is always good. Communication rocks and by the sounds of it, you are both already way ahead of the pack on that score, so keep talking. Try and work out what it is you are both looking for... is this purely a sexual thing... or is this more about him taking authority? Are you turned on by simply good, fab sex and toys... or by the desire to submit, obey or just by being his? If this is a bedroom relationship, then practice is what makes things perfect and only time will work that out. Don't get too bogged down by the whole limits thing... just look at subjects and say whether this is a definate yes or no at this time with an agreement to come back in 6 months and review ... try finding one of the online lists of play and going through it together maybe?

I would avoid clubs right now. Munches maybe in due course. But if your not a social person, then neither will really be helpful IMO.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 13

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 2:27:41 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

I doubt that you really do not know what you want... most people actually have a fair idea of what they want, what you fantasise about when you get yourself off, what you secretly hope he will do to you or will let you do... what ever rocks your boat.
The problem is usually in getting this across to your partner as indeed you seem to struggle with... i have been there too... i seemed incapable of telling Him things, i would hope that He would just do it totally right. And if things could have been different and better for me i would try to tell Him afterwards... i used to think that was good info for Him, but He just took it as critism and it pissed Him off much... He also did not really take much info during the deed well, as that seemed to sound much like orders to Him... the topping from the bottom syndrome... a woman just can't win it seems
I have found that since the Man has a dominant personality my best bet is to be submissive about everything or atleast as much as i can. So i make suggestions and ask for things respectfully before hand... eventhough sometimes i am totally embarrassed about my requests.
If there are issues during sex i try to be as honest as i can as polite as i can, sometimes begging, always say please and thank you.
i never nit-pick about sex afterwards anymore... maybe things could have been better, but after the deed all He wants to hear is that it was great and not that "really this or that"
Oh well, good luck

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 14

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 3:05:47 AM

CherryNeko

Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline

Whenever there's something you want to try, say it. Talk about it, comment on every expectation, action, play session, even idea. If you stay tuned in to each other, it will be easier. Trying bit by bit is making sure that it'll be good, but also just diving (with the pertinent safewords and precautions) will be great. Stay communicated and don't let your fears get to you. You've come a long way already, and that is such a good sign!

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 15

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 4:30:44 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

You can learn by exploring and also studying, like college, lol.

Here's a booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm.

I like "Screw the roses, send me the thorns", "the Loving Dominant", "The Topping Book" and "The Bottoming Book", and have heard good things about "SM101".

My husband and I figured it out as we went along. We started with a tiny suede whip and kept going back for heavier and heavier ones til we found one that was just right.

We found munches and local events to be quite helpful. I'd have a hard time going by myself too, perhaps you can hook up with another sub near you or schedule one of his visits around an event?

In Fort Lauderdale, Fetish School during the Fetish Factory's Memorial Day Weekend extravaganza is very educational and lots of fun: http://www.fetishfactory.com/anniversary/feted.html

Enjoy the journey!

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 16

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 4:50:09 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Your profile has kind of an SDC feel to me. Have you tried the local SDC events? http://www.sdc.com/swingers-parties/swingers-meet-and-greet.html

There's often cross over. You might be able to find some SDC-ers also into BDSM who can mentor you.

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 17

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 6:52:43 AM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

do you just want to play kinky games or be in a d/s relationship?

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 18

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 8:19:41 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: niquefreek

Ok so I am new to this whole scene. For years I denied I could even possibly be interested in being spanked, etc. (I was abused as as a child etc.). However, have finally admitted I am not really vanilla.
My question is this: How the hell do I figure out what I want/what my limits are etc. with my husband when I am not even sure what it is I am asking for? Yes I am reading lots of stuff, and checking out lots of things here on collarme and over on fetlife; but I still don't even really know how to figure out what my limits are if that makes sense?
For instance: I am pretty sure I want to experience being tied up and spanked (I know that is pretty tame for many here but remember I am just getting started so be nice!). I know that I like a "sting" versus a "thud" sensation from being spanked or hit if that makes sense...but I have no idea how/what to ask for? He is new at this as well....so that may be wherein our problem lies. I know everyone has to find their own path but a little advice would be helpful....
Thanks

There are quite a few questions here. But first of all I think how lucky you are to have a husband you can even begin to explore with. Both of mine were straight/vanilla/power-overs so that would have beem an impossibility.
The very first relationship I got into was on-line and then phone calls. I was submissive then and felt a certain degree of anxiety simply because I said I didn't know what I wanted, but then again I knew I really did. Does that make sense? And of course the most delicious game began, (which was perfect now I look back on it) and it was a confessions game. He also needed to know what I wanted and at the same time keep his dominance and so a series of highly erotic exchanges took place whereby I would confess and he would listen. (Wow that felt so good).
And the source of knowing what I wanted? Well that came in my dreams and my fantasies which, when I look back, had been driving me for quite a while.
I'm fascinated by the psychological aspects of bdsm. So, if your husgand needs to know, and you both feel that it is a loss of the dynamic for him to ask then confess and set a whole delicious scenario for that to take place.
The toys, the groups, the play: all of that will follow and naturally so. But first I think it's bdsm the inner game.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to niquefreek)

Post #: 19

RE: Figuring out what it is I want - 1/26/2011 3:08:44 PM

niquefreek

Posts: 8
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

I want it just in the bedroom. I have no idea what may evolve, but for now that is the only place I am interested in submitting.

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 20

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