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how do you know - 1/6/2011 3:44:50 PM

freeforfun123

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/6/2011
Status: offline

How do we know what we are tell we try it. We know more about what we are not, then what we are, through experiences. We know that we are not submissive or slaves because we don’t like to be told what to do, or because we like to be in control, at least the image of being in control. We know if we are, because we have an ability to get pleasure from being out of control, or giving the illusion that we are out of control. Myself, I am a dominant or master, I know this only to a point. I know what I like, but I am new at this. This is a new world to me, not the actions of this world, but finding people who might just be the way I am. Finding people to talk too on the subject can help clarify what you might like and what you wont like.

My first question today was in the chat channel on what the difference in a submissive and a slave is. “Imagine asking that question in your normal chat room.” It was refreshing to get a broad perspective on this simple question. Not only to get the responses with different reasons for the answers that they where giving, but to get answers without judgment, without being ridiculed. It might just have been the people online at that time where helpful people. Although with that many people online and not having one person say something negative, its more likely then not that it is a community of people on this site and maybe in this lifestyle that are non judgmental and helpful.

As I write this I still can’t help but feel that negativity is coming. However, I feel for the first time I am looking for what I really want, breather then what society says I should want. I am looking forward to finding the submissive or slave that is right for me. I have many questions on other fetishes in this life and maybe exploring them as well. I would like to thank the people online today for there help.

I also have another question about the whole dynamic of dominant, submissive or master, slave if you will. As the dom or the master I feel it is my job to make sure my partner is happy and satisfied. That they are getting what they need as well is this normal. Even though I know they get enjoyment from the role they play. But how do you make sure there happy. Maybe this question comes from not understanding enough of how submissive or slaves feel. If some of the submissive or slaves could explain, so I can have a better understanding.

< Message edited by freeforfun123 -- 1/6/2011 4:39:29 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 3:47:31 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*erk*

would you mind breaking that down into paragraphs for easier reading? Please?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 2

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 3:49:25 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

It actually is in paragraphs (I'm doing way too much reading on this now!) because they hit enter and continued on a new line.

However, OP, on this message board it's usually regarded as kind on the eyes to provide a line of empty space like I did above. Makes it easier to read.

*goes back to her googling of grammar standards*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 3

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 3:55:46 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

AS.. you're being OCD, stop it now...LOL

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 3:59:14 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

But it's fun......

*wonders if she could call her old English professors and ask which guideline they always made her use*

*remembers it was different for different fields of study*

*wonders which one would be closest to an Internet forum*

*realizes the Greedy Monkey and the mods are probably going to smack her soon*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 5

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 4:01:44 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*thinks AS wouldnt mind being ass smacked*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 6

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 4:04:05 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

*has no comment regarding that assertion*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 7

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 4:15:15 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

Hello OP, welcome.

I'm going to echo what others have said and suggest you make your posts a bit easier on the eyes, please.

I'd like to address some specific things you mentioned...

quote:

ORIGINAL: freeforfun123

Myself, I am a dominant or master, I know this only to a point. I know what I like, but I am new at this. This is a new world to me, not the actions of this world, but finding people who might just be the way I am. Finding people to talk too on the subject can help clarify what you might like and what you wont like.

I take it from the above quote that you're new to both CM and bdsm & D/s-M/s. You seem to be searching for answers regarding your place. I would suggest, first off, to slow down. Before you decide to slap a label on yourself, take the time to learn and understand what each of those labels mean.

While it's true CM only gives you a certain number of labels to choose from...dominant/submissive/slave/switch....that doesn't mean they are the be all and end all. Take the time to discover what weight those words carry before you strap one (or more than one) on.

I would suggest you google "bdsm groups" for your area and attend a munch if your goal is to find people to talk to and to help further your knowledge in regards to wiitwd (What It Is That We Do).

You may also find this link of interest... -=BDSM Book List=- Focus on the non-fiction and try to avoid the porn/fiction for now.

quote:

My first question today was in the chat channel on what the difference in a submissive and a slave is.

There have been many threads based on this question. If you have a look at the upper-right hand corner of the forum page, you'll see the word SEARCH...seek and ye shall find.

quote:

I also have another question about the whole dynamic of dominant, submissive or master, slave if you will. As the dom or the master I feel it is my job to make sure my partner is happy and satisfied. That they are getting what they need as well is this normal. Even though I know they get enjoyment from the role they play. But how do you make sure there happy. Maybe this question comes from not understanding enough of how submissive or slaves feel. If some of the submissive or slaves could explain, so I can have a better understanding.

This would be a wonderful thread to start in the Ask A Submissive section.....unless, of course, it's already been addressed. Remember, search first.

I honestly can't stress enough....slow down....discover what you want from "this" and what you have to offer a partner. The only label you need to worry about right now is "man"....you are a man seeking a partner to explore with.

Best of luck and I hope this helps.

Edited to add....If you decide to stick with CM, be sure to read the Administrative Announcements.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 1/6/2011 4:20:15 PM >

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 8

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 6:22:41 PM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Why not go to Disneyland?

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 9

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 6:28:03 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There's a very simple way to know if your partner is happy or not. It's called conversation. You look at them and say they don't seem to smile so much anymore, and ask what's wrong. You ask for their thoughts on how things are going, are they happy, are they afraid of making mistakes, and so on. The ability to communicate, to listen without preparing rebuttals, but to accept without getting defensive is very important. As is the ability to say what you mean while not being passive aggressive. But to have open communication.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 10

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 6:36:41 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: freeforfun123

How do we know what we are tell we try it. We know more about what we are not, then what we are, through experiences. We know that we are not submissive or slaves because we don’t like to be told what to do, or because we like to be in control, at least the image of being in control. We know if we are, because we have an ability to get pleasure from being out of control, or giving the illusion that we are out of control. Myself, I am a dominant or master, I know this only to a point. I know what I like, but I am new at this. This is a new world to me, not the actions of this world, but finding people who might just be the way I am. Finding people to talk too on the subject can help clarify what you might like and what you wont like.

My first question today was in the chat channel on what the difference in a submissive and a slave is. “Imagine asking that question in your normal chat room.” It was refreshing to get a broad perspective on this simple question. Not only to get the responses with different reasons for the answers that they where giving, but to get answers without judgment, without being ridiculed. It might just have been the people online at that time where helpful people. Although with that many people online and not having one person say something negative, its more likely then not that it is a community of people on this site and maybe in this lifestyle that are non judgmental and helpful.

As I write this I still can’t help but feel that negativity is coming. However, I feel for the first time I am looking for what I really want, breather then what society says I should want. I am looking forward to finding the submissive or slave that is right for me. I have many questions on other fetishes in this life and maybe exploring them as well. I would like to thank the people online today for there help.

I also have another question about the whole dynamic of dominant, submissive or master, slave if you will. As the dom or the master I feel it is my job to make sure my partner is happy and satisfied. That they are getting what they need as well is this normal. Even though I know they get enjoyment from the role they play. But how do you make sure there happy. Maybe this question comes from not understanding enough of how submissive or slaves feel. If some of the submissive or slaves could explain, so I can have a better understanding.

Translation:

Ya don't know till ya try it!

Experience shows more what we don't like than what we do like (no, I don't understand, I just translated it).

He says that he is a Dom because he likes the control. (OP, one of my peeves is someone with no experience calling himself a Master. Please don't do that.) He wants to talk with other kinksters to clarify that.

He asked in chat what the difference is between a sub and a slave and was pleasantly surprised to not be ridiculed as a noob for asking such a basic question. (A question I still don't know a satisfactory answer to...)

He's afraid that the pendulum will swing the other way, but since he's on a roll thus far, he wants to know how he can tell if his sub/slave is getting their needs filled as well.

----------------

OP, let me try a response. (One of the things that may surprise you is that here sometimes Doms will explain things from the subs' perspectives and vice versa. Hell, we even cross plumbing lines - I've answered for Dommes and Dommes have answered for Doms.) Communication is essential, especially if you're new to this world and if the relationship is new. As the Dom, you're primarily responsible for ensuring communication happens, but a good sub will communicate as well. Keep in mind that D/s is nothing more than a flavor added to a relationship, and kink is not the be-all and end-all.

Welcome to collarme!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 11

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 6:46:17 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
(OP, one of my peeves is someone with no experience calling himself a Master. Please don't do that.)

Can we nominate this for sunny's CM quote of the day?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 9:30:59 PM

freeforfun123

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/6/2011
Status: offline

Ok im taking a pounding here, I did not meen anything by using the word master, it was a question on the relationship between the two of master/slave.

I know it is called communication as well, what i ment by the statement was nothing more then my own questions on the practice of being a slave itself. Becouse what i understand of how a sub becomes a slave is when there is full trust developed with the dom and safe words and limitations have been given compleatly to the dom, at that point how would you know.

As far as being a noob ( gammer term I see) I already stated the fact that I was. By asking questions we can gain knowlage. I like to know from asking others who have been where I am now, so I can avoid making mistakes. Im sure someone will tell me we all make mistakes. Yes we all do, and if we spent more time listening to people who already knew we might have avoided some of them.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 9:49:26 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Oh G-d...

This isn't a pounding. A word to the wise: CM is not a safe space. There are safe spaces on the 'net for BDSM. CM isn't one of them.

Steven poked at you a bit and then did give you a good answer along a with a welcome. Greedy asked you to use more space and I joked with her a bit. And then LP agreed with Steven on a point.

This is not, in any way, meant to drive you off. But if you feel that is a pounding it may be in your best interests to lurk a bit more on the forums and read how we interact with each other. And/or - I suggest doing both actually - seeking out a space that designated as a safe space.

There is a LOT to learn here. But this is not a safe space environment. I really hope you stay. But I want you to know the facts.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/6/2011 9:50:35 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 14

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:00:52 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I don't even understand what the OP is even asking.

It appears to be just a long stream of consciousness rearing it's head.

If you are questioning what you are and what you like, how could anyone here tell you?

Self awareness is a very desirable trait and even with a newbie, you should know yourself.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 15

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:48:07 PM

CherryNeko

Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline

I will try to reply...

Well... I think communication is the key for any good relationship.
I think before you practice communication with someone other than yourself, you have to feel comfortable enough to actually get to know you.

If I may suggest...? Don't stick with master. Stick with dominant. If you are. Why? I think a master has someone to care for, and while you're submissive-free, whose master are you? Dominant, on the other hand, describes any person when placed next to other one. Or regarding other one. Or one way people react to life. I think it's wiser, and more precise, to stick with dominant. Same for the 'submissive' and 'slave' terms. You don't have to choose between dominant or submissive, also. There are people who feel like they're both, and openly accept it.

It's not precisely like you need to try it in order to know. You may be ignoring it, but you always know, since the very beginning. Everything in anyone's background is more complicated than just deciding to be a submissive, for example. I am so submissive, but then again I don't normally enjoy being told what to do, or not by anyone, or... well, not really, I mean, it's sort of complicated. Or very complicated. I have my moments, we all do.

Now, finding people to talk on the subject won't necessarily help you find out what you like and dislike; not in my opinion. That comes with practice, and you have to try instead of talk. Talking can be just sooo superficial if you haven't lived it, because when you talk you might like fire play, but in the practice you might find out how much you really, really hate it.

People are people, collective for person. Don't judge the people in the lifestyle, actually on the contrary: it is more useful to always judge the person. Not only here.

Another 'just saying' suggestion. You should try to look for more experiences before sticking with a partner, the focus here being in experiences. It would help to get to know you. I'm only saying this because I feel like you're still decoding your personality, and you must master it before mastering both yours and someone else's.

It takes time, like everything in the 'getting to know you' field does, but you'll be glad once you start aiming towards it, and it may even make easier for you the understanding of others. ^^

I guess that's all, for now. Bwahaha.

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 16

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:52:39 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: freeforfun123

Ok im taking a pounding here, I did not meen anything by using the word master, it was a question on the relationship between the two of master/slave.

I know it is called communication as well, what i ment by the statement was nothing more then my own questions on the practice of being a slave itself. Becouse what i understand of how a sub becomes a slave is when there is full trust developed with the dom and safe words and limitations have been given compleatly to the dom, at that point how would you know.

As far as being a noob ( gammer term I see) I already stated the fact that I was. By asking questions we can gain knowlage. I like to know from asking others who have been where I am now, so I can avoid making mistakes. Im sure someone will tell me we all make mistakes. Yes we all do, and if we spent more time listening to people who already knew we might have avoided some of them.

If that was a pounding, you and I are not going to get along at all.

If you are going to write a coherent post to express your thoughts, I am going to ask you very politely to use spell check.

As to what I think you actually wrote, I'll put it like this:

Would you be a master mechanic if you couldn't change a carburetor? Would you be a master violinist if you had never picked one up and played a note? Too many people decide that they want to try this thing and think they are a Master when they don't know squat. That was the point I was making.

Now, My second favor that I'll ask of you. Please read BonesFromAsh's post. She talks about ways for you to learn about these things as well as learn things about this site. There is literally tons of information in the archives. I'm glad you had a good experience today, but a lot of us on the forums will tell you to use the search feature if the questions you have are things that most of us have talked about to death.

As Red says, we can't figure yourself out for you. That's something that you have to do on your own. Getting other people's opinions is all well and good, but you need to form what things mean to you before you can figure out how to apply them with someone else. That is something that happens over time, not overnight.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to freeforfun123)

Post #: 17

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:54:17 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

i think im blind

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to CherryNeko)

Post #: 18

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:58:30 PM

CherryNeko

Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline

I have to keep myself from doing that every once in a while. However, it had been enough. What? Oh, god, that's why the letter's size 3!!! O_O
*cries a river*

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 19

RE: how do you know - 1/6/2011 10:59:44 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

lol... im sorry... but its a tad bit big and bright.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to CherryNeko)

Post #: 20

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