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New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:19:02 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

I am new to this lifestyle. I've always been interested in it, but have never experienced it myself. I met a woman 2 years ago who lives it 24/7 as a slave and had some long conversations with her about it. It sparked my interest even more. I am just now trying to experience it for myself.

I'm excited, but scared at the same time. I personally think I'm naturally submissive, just in every day life. But at the same time I'm very independent. (If that makes any sense.) I also have children and wonder what sort of effect it would have on them if I ever decided to take this outside the bedroom.

Any insight on this?

Post #: 1

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:23:21 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

Do what is best for your kids. Don't get so caught up in what you want to experience that you forget they are priority #1.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 2

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:39:00 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

I found this to be very interesting and relevant for the relationship approach of any single mother, or woman at all:
http://www.ted.com/talks/hanna_rosin_new_data_on_the_rise_of_women.html

Women are independent these days. That's not a comment on their character; it's a comment on the economic reality. There are plenty of submissive men who are 'independent' but seek a Domme; it's the same concept, really.

If you seek a dominant man but are fully employed, have a life and are raising kids, you're not alone; you're pretty much in the majority. Good luck, and be aware of how the trends affect your target demographic -- single men who have preferences towards dominance. I'll tell you this, experienced Doms with the ability to take you on as a full-time slave, and who meet your preferences in physical and social attraction, age, availability, and who are in a situation to accommodate children in their lives will be very rare. But they're out there. Find the right one and hang on for all you're worth.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 3

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:54:44 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

Thank you DMFParadox - That was very helpful. I'm not too sure about living it 24/7 but just knowing my personality I think if I ever met a dominant man I would probably end up submitting to him 24/7 naturally.

My only concern is how my children would view it. I have both a daughter and a son. Would my son start to think woman are just to be used because he see's mommy submitting to a man? Same with my daughter, will she start to think that its just her role in life to submit to men? I submit because I WANT to..I made that choice on my own. I want my children to know they have a choice.

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 4

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:55:50 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Pick someone who also considers what is best for the children to be his top priority. When I started looking, I looked for a man who had kids about the same age as mine and who was as devoted to his as I am to mine. He attended parent/teacher conferences, went to their events, was a den leader for Boy Scouts, and so on. I didn't have to worry that he would consider my children to be a problem because unlike most divorced men I've known, he doesn't think of his own in that way.

My daughter once asked me why I do what he asks, and I responded by telling her that I like to do stuff for the people I love and then reminded her of what I've done for her.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 5

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:56:24 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums! I know it can seem a little intimidating
(ok...ALOT intimidating) when you are first starting to explore your
submissive nature. Remember to breathe!

While being a single mother might make openly practicing some
acts of submission difficult, I don't think you would be in a relationship
with a man who didn't share the same concern for your childrens well
being as you have. There are many ways you can still be submissive
outside of the bedroom, and the children wouldn't even notice.

Stick with us here in the forums. Read the posts in Ask A Submissive
and Ask a Master. There is a wealth of knowledge here to be had.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 6

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 6:58:49 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

When my daughter was young and I was in a different relationship with another Dom my daughter just always saw us as a loving couple with old fashioned, traditional values. I didn't go around calling him Master, he didn't sit there and beat me in front of her, etc....Yeah sure she'd roll her eyes when I would make him a cup of coffee or sit at his feet while watching tv but it didn't look any different than any other relationship in the world.

Just take your time, don't rush into anything, wait and find the right man who will want to be a part of your life and your children's. If it's right all the pieces will fall into place.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 7

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 7:12:36 PM

LoveSparkie

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline

Thank you so much everyone for your answers. This has to be one of the most helpful and friendly forums I have been on. It also helps to hear opinions from other mothers. Again, thank you. :-)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 8

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 7:14:55 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Thank you DMFParadox - That was very helpful. I'm not too sure about living it 24/7 but just knowing my personality I think if I ever met a dominant man I would probably end up submitting to him 24/7 naturally.

My only concern is how my children would view it. I have both a daughter and a son. Would my son start to think woman are just to be used because he see's mommy submitting to a man? Same with my daughter, will she start to think that its just her role in life to submit to men? I submit because I WANT to..I made that choice on my own. I want my children to know they have a choice.

No. Children gain such impressions from their peers far more than from their parents. In fact, being aware of how your kid's friends relate to each other and perceive the world will allow you to have a much better understanding of what dynamics your own kids will pick up.

Most likely, as long as you don't go out of your way to convince them that women are just to be used, they'll see your relationship with common sense: that it's how you want things, and that therefore there are some women who would want things the same way. But not all. And as long as you make them aware of the range of possibilities and a good internal compass, they'll find their own way.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 9

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 7:26:31 PM

delicatelydirty

Posts: 126
Joined: 2/7/2010
Status: offline

I am a single mum and I have had one long term D/s relationship that went very sour ... I jumped in to early and ignored all the warning bells going off in my head ...
The best advice anyone could give and have already is go slow, don't rush it... if you want to explore it in the bedroom by all means do so when your kids arent around . But like any relationship, kink or otherwise if children are involved this is not something to take on lightly (which clearly you arent) but realistically a D/s relationship is not going to look much different to a "normal" relationship in the day to day aspect anyway. We all still have to work, raise our kids, eat, sleep ect ect labelling it D/s doesn't immediately putting a big flashing sign over your head saying I am different

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 10

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 7:43:38 PM

chasingbliss

Posts: 13
Joined: 11/26/2010
Status: offline

single mom here,

my advice: keep your kids out of it completely. explore as safely and wisely as you know. if they are at Dad's, the sitters, then explore. Do not involve them. It is not for them to know and seriously, would you want to even think about this stuff of your mom when you were a child?

I did and do explore, when my child was and is with his father. You may think all these things of submission yet reality is never fantasy. It is never all you imagine. If you find a good Master, you will learn and grow. Take it on your free time, not your "mommy time." I too live in desire of more than currently what I am able to obtain, yet as a submissive, every obstacle, you must learn to submit to and therefore from, learn. In time, all good things will come.

(in reply to delicatelydirty)

Post #: 11

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 9:34:02 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

There are certainly men who would reserve their desires for power inequality and subjugation for just you and not your children. Also, I don't personally believe the validity or deepness of your submission needs to be defined by how constantly you are brought to express it. I also genuinely believe we're meant to always be more by our relationships rather than be limited to less, regardless of what particulars this signifies for each person (submissive, mother, lackluster flute player, whatever).

Knowing that submissives tend to only want just a little bit of validation for what they do to satisfy their partners, I'll throw in this quote:
"If I could give you anything, I'd give you back yourself."

I'm only writing this to reassure you, because chances are, if I somewhat get it, a few other guys might understand as well. Also, the fact that you're younger than me and caring for kids made me feel suddenly selfish and self-centered all of a sudden (more than usual, that is).

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 12

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 10:00:53 PM

HeidiAnn

Posts: 113
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

I think that being a parent helps me focus on what is good and constructive in adult relationships. In our home the needs of our child come first and the bigger decisions we do in life are always thought from the perspective on how it would influence our child. For me this usually helps to put things in a healthy perspective (though I personally have to struggle to focus on the needs of the parents aswell, which are very important too - especially in the longer run).

I think we parents are the most important role models for our children on how to build good relationships. I hope that I am able to show my child how to build a good, working and loving human relationship. How to love and care for some one, how to solve problems and argue constructively, and how to overcome the struggles that life brings.

_____________________________

"The most difficult thing is trying not to forget who you really want to be." - Nong Toom

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 13

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 10:28:42 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I am new to this lifestyle. I've always been interested in it, but have never experienced it myself. I met a woman 2 years ago who lives it 24/7 as a slave and had some long conversations with her about it. It sparked my interest even more. I am just now trying to experience it for myself.

I'm excited, but scared at the same time. I personally think I'm naturally submissive, just in every day life. But at the same time I'm very independent. (If that makes any sense.) I also have children and wonder what sort of effect it would have on them if I ever decided to take this outside the bedroom.

Any insight on this?

The fact that you are considering various issues and willing to ask for input prior to acting out any conduct that might otherwise not be in the best interest of your children, is a good sign that you are capable of making sound decisions for the best interest of your children.

Clearly the only action to ever pursue would be in the best interest of your children. If any actions or choices are not in the best interest of your children it would be unwise to proceed.

Never fail to put your children first and foremost in all you do, regardless of what you or others might attempt to persuade. Without the continuity of your ability to demonstrate healthy motherhood qualities and skills in the forefront it surely makes sense that indeed anything less would be an unfavorable choice for you and your children.

Continue in giving the highest and best care to and of your children as they deserve it and so do you!

Welcome to the Message Boards - Forums!

< Message edited by Zevar -- 12/18/2010 10:35:42 PM >

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 14

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/18/2010 10:45:47 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie
My only concern is how my children would view it. I have both a daughter and a son. Would my son start to think woman are just to be used because he see's mommy submitting to a man? Same with my daughter, will she start to think that its just her role in life to submit to men? I submit because I WANT to..I made that choice on my own. I want my children to know they have a choice.

Think of it this way... straight folks have gay kids. Gay folks have straight kids. The trick is to teach them that they are who they are and what works for you, their grandparents, your friends and their friends' parents may not work for them - that they need to find their own path. But you'll love them all the same.

My humble opinion.

ETA: Granted, no matter how much you keep them out of it (and it is my opinion that you should) little pitchers do have big ears. I can't count how many times I've seen people on here talking about how once they got into BDSM they suddenly began to wonder what was in the locked box in the bedroom or why their parents did this and that. Just make sure you teach them that there are a variety of ways to have healthy loving relationships, giving more information as they ask for it as they get older.

I suspect you'll do just fine.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/18/2010 10:48:41 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 15

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/19/2010 8:21:42 AM

avena

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

I also fall into the single mom, submissive woman category. I have to agree with what previous posters have said. Take things slow, and do your best to explore when the kids aren't at home.

That being said, I have a teenage daughter, with no father to ship her off to. Originally, I did a lot of 'exploring' with my laptop, in my bedroom, after she had gone to bed. L But now, thanks to good friends with other teenage daughters, I spend one weekend every 4 to 6 weeks with D, and she spends the weekend with friends. I get the 24 hours a day experience, and she gets a weekend of gossip and giggles. It's a win/win situation! Eventually I would like more...but for now, it's better than nothing. And it's only a few more years before she's grown up and moved out, and then I don't have to worry about her seeing or hearing something that would make her uncomfortable.

There are aspects of my lifestyle that still spill over into my everyday life, though, and she does notice them. D insists on me wearing high heels, and since until now I prefered going around barefoot to wearing shoes, it's a skill I never acquired. So to gain that skill, I often wear my heels around the house. She asked about it once...and I told her that it was a skill I wanted to acquire, and the only way to do it was to practice. Which was perfectly true, and she accepted it. One thing I try very hard to do is to never lie to her about any of it. If she notices, and asks, I talk to her about it. Not that I give her details, but telling her that I do something because it makes me feel good or happy, is usually a more than sufficient answer for her, at this point in her life. Children are incredibly perceptive. And if they think their parents are weird or strange, as long as they're happy and weird or strange, the children don't seem to mind much.

On a side note...Perhaps it's just me, but all of the dominants that I know (I have several dominant friends, aside from D himself) are very accepting of my daughter and my relationship with her. Perhaps it's just that they are, for the most part, parents themselves. But as often as I've turned to several of them for BDSM advice or support, I've also had as many long conversations on 'parenting matters'.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 16

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/19/2010 9:39:09 AM

Capndependable

Posts: 24
Joined: 12/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I am new to this lifestyle. I've always been interested in it, but have never experienced it myself. I met a woman 2 years ago who lives it 24/7 as a slave and had some long conversations with her about it. It sparked my interest even more. I am just now trying to experience it for myself.

I'm excited, but scared at the same time. I personally think I'm naturally submissive, just in every day life. But at the same time I'm very independent. (If that makes any sense.) I also have children and wonder what sort of effect it would have on them if I ever decided to take this outside the bedroom.

Any insight on this?

I am on the other end of this problem. I am a full time Father of two kids.

I suspect I have it easier than you might LoveSparkie because all my children see is an adult who thinks it is important to respect my wishes and that doesn't hurt me one bit.

I don't know how old your kids are, so making an intelligent comment on how you might handle things with them is impossible.

That said. Yes a lot of discussions with them as to all the different types of relationships will never hurt.. But do NOT try and make it a crash course!! LOL Simple discussions as subjects come up will do just fine *grins* The knowledge that you don't expect them to follow in your footsteps when the time comes couldn't hurt either.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 17

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/19/2010 8:38:53 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Perspective of a Dominant man to a submissive single mom:

First, look for a man who is a good candidate to be a husband and father. Looking for a dominant man is secondary, since the sort of men you find attractive and "click" with will likely be of the dominant personality.

Second, spend a bit of time figuring out what it is you are really interested in- that is, do you dream of being deferential to a man, having him run the household, that sort of thing, or is it mostly the fetish and bondage/ pain activities?

Dominant personality sort of men aren't always into fetish and BDSM activities, and those who are into play aren't always interested in being head of household and 24/7 dominance.

It takes a while to sort this stuff out- generally, the more specific and tightly targeted your list of interests, (e.g., latex, needles, edge play) the smaller the pool of candidates will be.

A good man who is generally dominant can usually be interested in sexual fetishes and play even if they are new to it; but men who aren't good husband/ father material, however good at play and BDSM activities they are, likely won't be made into the man you want as a life partner.

Good luck.

< Message edited by AnimusRex -- 12/19/2010 8:39:19 PM >

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 18

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/20/2010 3:38:57 PM

couldbemage

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline

With a little discretion, lifestyle ds with kids in the house is no big deal. As for fetish activities, just close the bedrrom door.

...and there are certainly child friendly doms that like strong and independent subs. Of course, we're mostly taken. Or poly. Awesome is rare.

Myself, I have 2 kids, a partner that is another dom, and we each have our own subbie. We just don't act too weird in front of my kids. No protocol stuff.

(in reply to AnimusRex)

Post #: 19

RE: New to BDSM and a single mother - 12/22/2010 3:28:11 AM

DommeKeliDallas

Posts: 311
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

Thank you DMFParadox - That was very helpful. I'm not too sure about living it 24/7 but just knowing my personality I think if I ever met a dominant man I would probably end up submitting to him 24/7 naturally.

My only concern is how my children would view it. I have both a daughter and a son. Would my son start to think woman are just to be used because he see's mommy submitting to a man? Same with my daughter, will she start to think that its just her role in life to submit to men? I submit because I WANT to..I made that choice on my own. I want my children to know they have a choice.

You are NOT a single woman.
YOUR CHILDREN COME BEFORE YOU DO!
Keep your sexual desires to yourself.
Do NOT allow ANY man to come into the lives of your children who may be abusive to them...just because you might think that is "sexy."

Be responsible.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)

Post #: 20

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