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Sub Guilt - 4/28/2006 8:49:23 PM   
Clothespingirl


Posts: 82
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline 		This one's just a whine, everyone can ignore it, I'm only posting here because I can't very well cry on my mother's shoulder about this stuff

I'm feeling guilty because I had to turn a man down.  He was perfectly decent and straightforward with me, and we'd been planning on meeting, but it became obvious to me that we're wildly incompatible.  It wasn't just emotional and intellectual incompatibility; some of the tastes he revealed gave me a distinct "There isn't enough Lysol in the WORLD!"  feeling.

But I still feel guilty.  I hate looking like I've led someone on, and I hate hurting people's feelings.   And I think some of it must be submissive feelings, too.  I really want to please a man who attracts me, and not being able to do it hurts.

This is the first time I've broken off plans to meet with somebody just for incompatibility instead of dishonesty.  It's the right thing to do, it's better in the long run, but I feel bleh.

And of course I'm just FRUSTRATED too.   That man melted my damn brain.  Which is a good reason to stay away from him, under the circumstances, but still...   Being a sensible grownup sucks sometimes.

That's all, I feel better now!  Thanks for listening.



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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/28/2006 8:55:13 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		It never feels good to have to do that, but you seem to realize you made the right choice. I have had it happen too .. if you share wildly different kinks neither of you would have been satisfied. You shouldnt feel guilty! Guilt is for the truly wicked .. too bad they rarely feel it....smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/28/2006 8:59:09 PM   
CanadianGuy


Posts: 219
Status: offline 		Aha!  This is where you are!  You're four hours late for our meeting!  GRRRRR!



Seriously now, sounds like you did the right thing for both of you.  Hopefully you broke it to him gently.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/28/2006 10:16:56 PM   
DigitBox


Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Clothespingirl

This one's just a whine, everyone can ignore it, I'm only posting here because I can't very well cry on my mother's shoulder about this stuff

I'm feeling guilty because I had to turn a man down. He was perfectly decent and straightforward with me, and we'd been planning on meeting, but it became obvious to me that we're wildly incompatible. It wasn't just emotional and intellectual incompatibility; some of the tastes he revealed gave me a distinct "There isn't enough Lysol in the WORLD!" feeling.

But I still feel guilty. I hate looking like I've led someone on, and I hate hurting people's feelings. And I think some of it must be submissive feelings, too. I really want to please a man who attracts me, and not being able to do it hurts.

This is the first time I've broken off plans to meet with somebody just for incompatibility instead of dishonesty. It's the right thing to do, it's better in the long run, but I feel bleh.

And of course I'm just FRUSTRATED too. That man melted my damn brain. Which is a good reason to stay away from him, under the circumstances, but still... Being a sensible grownup sucks sometimes.

That's all, I feel better now! Thanks for listening.




I had to do the same kind of thing with one guy I was getting to know. After two dates, several night time chats, and a couple of phone calls, I realized how much we really were wrong for each other.

What made it worse was that he would keep inviting me to the monthly fetish night he goes to. Finally I had to stop being nice to him and be firm, saying that he needed to get over me. That was really hard to do.

Take care, sometimes this sort of thing happens.

< Message edited by DigitBox -- 4/28/2006 10:20:44 PM >

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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 12:26:31 AM   
ElectraGlide


Posts: 1246
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Clothespingirl when you say incompatibility do you mean you two were way different than each other or you just had a bad instinct about him. I find when I am real different it is interesting and I can get a little space to pursue my hobbies and interest. If I am way too compatible with a lady then I feel like I am with a clone of myself lol.

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 4:17:15 AM   
Dustyn


Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
Status: offline 		Guilt is self created chains of slavery that you willingly put around your neck and set on someone else's lap.  Life is too full of screw ups, accidents and just bad shit in general to waste time with something as emotionally stunting as guilt.

You, as a human being, can only be resposible for what you think, feel and do.  While you might influence others in those same ways, they are still ultimately resposible for them.

Then again, I'm a cold, callous bastard from time to time.

- Dustyn


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Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to ElectraGlide)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 4:41:24 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		The fact that you "feel" something speaks volumes, however, gross incompatibility is not something that can be negotiated away. It exists, it is and no matter how much one or One wants the O/other, it is a deadly snake that will rear its head when least expected---think instead that you did for you and that person a service by allowing you both to find the O/one.

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Mistress Hathor


(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 4:54:54 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		This is the reason I won't have anything to do with online relationships. One bad experience and I've learnt my lesson. I'm not stupid enough to have to learn a lesson twice.

People's feelings change and people fantasize over the internet, they are engaging in illusion and when it comes to the crunch, I think many people realise they are just fantasizing and freeze. That I can understand  but I find it dispicable that people lead people on and then don't explain themselves and apologize but instead blame the other person.

Still, it was a social worker I was dealing with and from work experience I know social workers blame everyone but themselves for their fuck ups so I should have been warey.

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 5:54:40 AM   
rapture2778


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		It is such a challenging/frustrating experience to find the right "partner", but it was explained to me once as this:  for every "potential" partner that you come into contact with, and for each one of those that "doesn't" work, it is just one step closer to finding the one that is right for you!!  i applaud you for having the character to call it off before hand, instead of just not showing like so many do....when it works it works and when it doesn't, it doesn't...you shouldn't let this make you feel guilty, at least you are one step closer....best of luck to you in finding what you are looking for!!!

(in reply to meatcleaver)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 6:40:20 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		LOL at the "Not enough Lysol" comment  That right there says it all, in my book!

Try not to feel guilty. It's all part of the "bizz".





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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 6:55:39 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Clothespingirl

I'm feeling guilty because I had to turn a man down.  He was perfectly decent and straightforward with me, and we'd been planning on meeting, but it became obvious to me that we're wildly incompatible. 


I guess I don't know why you would feel guilty about being honest with both him and yourself. I am sure you have given alot of thought to what it is you seek in a partner, what qualities are important to you...and also, what things you can't or won't accept. While I may have at times felt a badly for having had to disappoint someone by telling them that they were just not right for me...guilt is not the emotion that came to mind. I felt empathy for their disappointment...not bad or guilty for my decision. I think you are just making mature decisions and being true to yourself....not a reason to feel guilty in my book.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:03:24 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Guilt?  Bah!

Smart Girl.  Let the guilt go and yell "NEXT"!

TexasMaam

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:12:34 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		I understand. I just did the same thing this past week. On paper (computer screen?) everything seems to fit. But in person there's no ping-click-resonance. If you don't have that, then there's no real point. But guilt? Ye gads!! I feel horrible, yet good. Weird place to be.

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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:15:53 AM   
Summarizer


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		Thread Summarized:

"Look at me! I am sooo coveted! I am turning guys down and breaking their hearts! Look at me! Look at me!"

(in reply to sublizzie)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:18:08 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Identity summarized:

"Summarizer": can read a thread and edit to 25 words or less: Read my posts! Read my posts! Read my posts!

goof.

TexasMaam

(in reply to Summarizer)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:31:22 AM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Identity summarized:

"Summarizer": can read a thread and edit to 25 words or less: Read my posts! Read my posts! Read my posts!

goof.

TexasMaam


Loud laughter...Hey, I tend to identify myself with one word  "Asshole" but I might have to acquire "Goof" instead...I like that...

C

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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:33:35 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Don't feel guilty. That other person should know that's the way things are and much better you back off now than wasting his time on a meeting. Usually gut instinct is right.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 10:38:36 AM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Try some perspective..........saying yes would only have made it even worse-you gave both of you better chances,well done.

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 11:30:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Identity summarized:

"Summarizer": can read a thread and edit to 25 words or less: Read my posts! Read my posts! Read my posts!

goof.

TexasMaam


You made me laugh.. was that "summarized" enough for the summarizer..LOLOLOLOL

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Sub Guilt - 4/29/2006 11:40:50 AM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		There have been a couple of times when i've had to do this, and yes, the guilt can be pretty overwhelming if i allow it to be.  i finally came to the conclusion (and a lot of late nite chats with myself..lol) that it's not only okay to feel badly, but it beats the heck out of not feeling anything.  When that happens it will be time for me to crawl into a hole and stay there...

good luck,
jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to Clothespingirl)
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